9 Months

This morning Vivian and I took Clara to the doctor for her 2 week check up.

She is doing great!

She is such a sweet baby.

We all love her so much!

I have to admit I am a wreck today.

I have been crying all day long.

Well all weekend long really (I will post about that later).

Today is 9 months since Miles left this mortal world.

Further more it's a Monday, just as it was 9 months ago.

I remember each hour of the days 9 months ago.

I watch the clock all day on the 13th, 14th and 15th each month and remember the smells, the sounds, all the machines and tubes, the hard decisions and most of all my son laying there on the hospital bed alive but unconscious.

If only I was able to talk to him one more time in the hospital.

What I would give to hear his voice one last time.

To call me Mom one more time.

I know that he heard all the words of love that were spoken to him.

All the kisses, hugs and strokes of love.

Those moments and hours of those 3 long days are burned in my memory and heart for forever.

So needless to say it's a hard day.

I had to wear my sunglasses into the doctors office today to cover my blood shot eyes.

How embarrassing!

When we came home Mark arrived home for his lunch break.

It was great timing!

When we pulled up, we were pleasantly surprised by this sweet bag and flowers on our door step.

I again began crying and just sat in the car looking at them while the girls slept in the back.

Mark came in the car and we just sat there and continued looking at the doorstep with tears.

The last time we had things like this on our door was 9 months ago 

when we came home from the hospital, the day our son became an angel.

Emotions flooded over us.

It was such a beautiful sight! 

Inside the bag were notes of love from members in our ward.

Mark and I sat in the car as he read them aloud.

My streaming tears quickly became rivers on my cheeks.

Each card was so sweet, thoughtful and most of all beautiful.

Sometimes people say they don't know what to say to us or someone who 

is grieving or facing a hard trial.

Well let me help you.

All you have to say are words of love, as each of these cards did.

Letting someone know they are thought of, loved and prayed for means the world to us.

It means even more when you speak of our son Miles.

It validates that he is loved, remembered, and that he has touched and continues to touch people's lives.

That means the world to us!

It truly warms our hearts.

Thank you for all the love on such a hard day!

Fear or Faith

Mark and I are learning many lessons from our trial of losing Miles.
We have both grown in ways that we never imaged.
We are grateful for these life lessons and the way we are being shaped and molded each day by our Heavenly Father as we endure the refiner's fire. We pray daily that we as we endure the heat of the fire we are becoming the gems that he intends us to be.
I just wish these learning experiences weren't because of the loss of our son Miles.
But I suppose we don't get to chose our trials.

We are truly being changed each day.
Our perspectives in life have changed, the way we view others has changed and most of what is important in this life is more clear. 

We are not the same people we were 8 months ago.
We are changed for forever.
Sometimes we mourn our old selves a little.
But most of all we are grateful for who we are becoming.
I appreciated the words in a devotional recently by Jo Anne Kay who said "We … will never be the same after going through our trials and challenges in this life, and that is the whole purpose. We skin our knees and bloody our hands as we struggle against the sharp rocks. But in the process, we are transformed into stronger, more loving, more compassionate, more sensitive individuals. Trials, when viewed from an eternal perspective, bring wisdom and gratitude."

Throughout this trial our faith has been and is continuing to be tested greatly.
I never would have imaged that the loss of my first born would be one of my greatest trials in life.
There are hard days, good days, happy days, and sorrowful days. Sometimes all of them in one day.
But within each day we try to keep the faith.
It's truly what we hold on to with all our strength.
Faith in our Heavenly Father.
Faith that if he trusts us with this trial then we can endure it. 
Faith that we will not only see, embrace and love but be fully reunited with Miles and our entire family again.

Having faith isn't always the easiest to exercise.
Often times fear is overwhelms us during our trials.
It's ever present during trials and sometimes much easier to focus on.
Fear of the future, fear of the unknown, fear of the exact trial we are facing.
With fear comes confusion, frustration and hopelessness.
It's hard to combat.

Mark and I have learned that fear and faith cannot coexist.
This is a new slogan in our life.
We have to chose to hold onto faith.
We have to chose to exercise faith.
We have to rely on and live in faith.
It's a choice we have to make everyday of our lives.
Although it's not always easy to live in faith, we have to chose faith over fear each day.
It's what keeps us going.
It's what Miles wants us to do.

I know we all have trials in life.
Some are harder than others, and come at different times in life.
It is through those trials that we become our better selves.
We become what we are intended to be; if we allow ourselves to be molded and refined.
It's not an easy process.
With it comes pain that is not only physical but also mental and emotional.
But if we chose to exercise faith over fear I know that we will become stronger and better people.

Harold C. Brown said "Our goal must be to find the good that can result from our challenges. God in His great wisdom and love will do what is best for us and those around us, if we will but turn to Him and have faith in Him. It will often require enduring experiences that are not pleasant or easy, but enduring them with faith will eventually result in greater blessings for us and certainly a blessing to those who watch how we handle these difficult challenges."

I believe this with all my soul.
I pray that as people watch us endure our trials they may find the strength to endure their own with faith.

Transformation Place

I've struggled each time that I have been at Miles' graveside. My whole body aches to hold him, to feel his soft skin against mine, to run my fingers through his hair and to kiss his sweet cheeks. I would give anything just to feel the warmth of not only his body but his loving embrace one more time. To feel our bodies and our souls connecting just as it use to be.

This Memorial weekend has been a hard one. Mark has had to work so the days have been long and lonely. Because of his work schedule we haven't been able to journey to Idaho to be at Miles' graveside. Luckily we have visited his grave a lot over the past few weeks. Because we aren't able to go this weekend I am finding myself in a sort of denial. So much so I find myself just becoming numb to everything, the holiday itself, the purpose of it, and even the fact that the holiday is now more sacred than ever before to me. Numb to the reality that Miles is really gone. Numb to really everything right now. I suppose it's a coping mechanism, and that's the only way I can cope right now.

A good friend of mine (who also lost her sweet son) recently sent me a message that I would like to share. She sent it to me just days before we went to the cemetery to lay my grandpa to rest. I knew it would be even more difficult to be at the cemetery for his funeral with all the family around and realization that within 7 months we had lost our first son and my dear grandpa. I made sure to wear my big sunglasses to hide all the tears streaming down my face. It was hard. Thankfully my black dress hid all the wet spots caught by my baby bump. But my sweet friend's message truly shed a new perspective on the graveside that I have found so comforting. 

She said she was reading something that was, as she said "talking about how when we plant seeds, the seed passes away and after a time a beautiful plant sprouts in its place. We can view our dear loved ones who have passed on in a similar way. We lay their seed (or body) in a protective cocoon and bury them in the ground and after a time they will rise and grow into the beautiful perfected beings they were meant to become. I really liked this analogy. It made the process seem beautiful."

She then quoted: "The graveside service is not a burial, but a planting. The grave is not a hole in the ground, but a fertile furrow. The cemetery is not the resting place, but rather the transformation place." (Author unknown)

Thank you Hilary for the beautiful perspective. You sent it at a time when I really need it. It has changed me forever!

I want to thank all those who took time out of their weekend to show so much love and support to Miles' and our family. Visiting his transformation place, leaving gifts, beautiful flowers, messages of love and even releasing yellow balloons with polka dots with message of love sent up to heaven. Also for sending pictures of each occasion. I can't tell you how much it means to our family that you remember him, visit his transformation place and continue to love him as we do. Thank you! We love you all!

Zoo Trip

Mark didn't have to work until later in the afternoon.

So we thought we would take advantage of a beautiful morning and take Vivi to one of her favorite places....the zoo.

Have I ever told you how much of an animal lover Vivian is.

She can't get enough of animals.

Any animal.

Nor have we met an animal that she is afraid of.

We have to keep a close eye on this girl around animals.

So Vivian and I grabbed our hats and we headed to Hogle Zoo.

We have found it's best to go in the early morning.

All the animals are up, eating and playful.

Plus it's not too hot yet.

It's perfect. 

One of Vivi's favorites are the sea lions.

She talks about them swimming in the water to everyone we meet. 

The zoo was giving out animal hats to all the children.

Vivi chose the elephant.

It cracks me up. 

You can't go to Hogle Zoo without riding their amazing carousel!

It's always been a family favorite of ours. 

We were lucky to see the first showing of the year of the bird show.

We saw it last year with the kids as well.

Miles loved it.

Vivian was fascinated.

This bird flew right over our heads.

Along with a few others.

If you are ever at the zoo to see the show we recommend it!

What a great morning with the family.

I think we will do this a couple more times before the baby comes.

Day of Service for Miles

May 13, 2013 has come and gone.

It was the day we chose to honor Miles by donating to Primary Children's Medical Center.

It was a wonderful day.

Thanks to many of you these boxes were jam packed with 120 sweat pants and 130 t-shirts.

The goal was 100 of each and we exceeded that goal. 

The quilts my Great Aunt Helen, along with others, made were nothing short of beautiful works of art.

Each one is so unique and special in it's own way. 

The goal for the quilts was 49, one for each month of Miles' life.

Again the goal was exceeded and we donated 54 quilts total.

That's an amazing feat. 

(Helen I'm sorry I didn't have a picture of you and the group on our camera.)

Needless to say the hospital staff was in awe of the donations and very excited.

I can't help but think of the many people who will benefit from our donations.

Parent's facing difficult trials who just need a change of clothes.

And all those sweet children that will be wrapped in the warmth and love of an amazing quilt.

I'm not sure that we will ever know the impact our donations will have on someone,

but I have been praying that whoever receives them will feel the love we send with each one.

Thank you everyone who helped with this amazing project.

It was truly an honor for our family and Miles!

Look who's Two!

Our little red head is now two years old.

When did she grow up?

Lately I have been noticing that she looks so much bigger.

We celebrated her birthday while at my parent's house in Idaho.

All she wanted for her birthday were pink cupcakes.

So pink cupcakes it was. 

We did our birthday balloon launch with wishes.

Vivian chose a blue balloon with polka dots for Miles. 

I'm sure he loved it.

Vivian loved watching the balloons fly away. 

Her favorite pal, Ralphy even gave Vivi a birthday kiss. 

That's a little Ralphy toy dog in her hands she got for her birthday.

She is in love with it.

But nothing bets the real thing.

Vivian, we love you so much.

You are such a pure joy to have in our family.

You have strengthened us more in the last 7 months than you will ever know.

I'm so sorry you have had to lose your best friend, Miles.

But I know he's always watching over you.

He truly adores you just as we do.

Your strength through this all has been nothing short of amazing.

I know the future holds great things for you.

We love you!

Happy Birthday sweetheart!

Thankful Hearts

Last night Mark heard a knock on the door rather late.

I was in the shower trying to compose myself and my emotions.

Mark came up and told me that I needed to look outside when I was dressed.

As I opened the door I found our door and window full of hearts and a message saying 

"You are Loved!"

That was exactly what we both needed to end a long day and night.

I can't thank whoever did this enough.

Your timing was perfect, and your thoughtfulness and love truly felt.

Vivian is enamored by all the hearts.

She loves to point out all the colors of each heart.

She does not want to take any of them down.

Thank you so much for thinking of our little family!

We truly do appreciate it more than you may ever know!

Mother's Day

Today has been a really hard day for me.
So hard I really just can't put what I am feeling into words.
I'm so grateful for my beautiful children.
All three of them.
It's funny to think that two of my children are in heaven right now.
Oh the conversations they must be having.

I keep remembering last year's Mother's Day.
Was it really a year ago already?
Remember, I got the best video message ever.
Here it is again in it's entirety.

I can't even tell you how many times Vivian and I watch this clip each day.
She loves it so much, as do I.
Miles and Vivian both came up with their own messages for me, without any help or practice with dad.
Mark said it was taken in one shot.
Perfection.
This video truly is a treasure to me.
Oh how I wish I could get another video message like this one today from all of my children.
Here's to hoping for dreams of them tonight.

Set in Stone

This past weekend we headed to Idaho for a couple reasons.

First, Miles' headstone was set.

Finally the ground has thawed enough to have it set.

So we went to the cemetery to see it.

There's a little adjustment that needs to be fixed, but otherwise we are pleased with it. 

Mark's grandmother's headstone has the Angel Moroni symbol on the top of it.

In Hawaii that's how all the LDS headstones are distinguished.

We have always liked that, so we incorporated it.

When Miles passed, Mark's sister and brother-in-law gave us a beautiful painting by Greg Olsen titled, Take My Hand. 

We were amazed and awe struck when we saw the picture because the little boy looks so much like Miles.

He's also wearing a shirt Miles had at the time, except in grey.

The fact that Jesus and the little boy are out in nature and looking at a squirrel was perfect.

Miles loved being out in nature.

This picture brings us such peace when we look at it.

So we incorporated the picture on the headstone.

I can't say that it was good to have the headstone in place.

It truly was a bittersweet thing.

Of course it's nice to have something beautiful with his name on it at his gravesite.

However, having his name, birth and death date etched in stone for all to see is a hard thing.

It makes our reality that much more real.

The fact that my son is no longer on this Earth is a very difficult thing to deal with, let alone having something to visually look at and tell me and others that it's true is hard. 

It's nice to have the headstone completed and set.

However, it's a difficult and complicated matter for me.

I find being at the cemetery in general is a complicated thing for me.

It's four hours away from us, so we don't get to go there too often.

When there it's beyond difficult for me to stand there, knowing that my sons body, the one thing I want most in this world to hold, is so close yet unreachable.

I ache to hold him again. To kiss him. To snuggle him.

I know one day, if I hold true and prove myself worthy, I will do all those things again with him.

It's just so hard to wait.

We also went to Idaho to visit my grandpa.

He's very ill.

I'm afraid he isn't going to be around in this mortal world much longer.

Seeing him, being with him and talking with him was wonderful.

Vivian is enamored by Papa Great.

She thinks he's so cute, and speaks of him daily.

She even calls him a couple times a week.

I have such a new perspective on death.

But regardless of that new perspective it's hard to let go of him.

I know he aches, for my grandmother, just as I do for Miles.

I'm so happy for him that he will soon be with her again.

It's made me ponder lately. Is it better to know someone is leaving this world soon, being able to spend as much time as you can with them? Making the most of each moment you have. Telling them things you want them to know. But having to watch the slow process of death take your loved one away.

Or is it easier to not know they are leaving you, and be completely overtaken by grief, shock and maybe even in denial?

I've concluded that both are difficult.

You never truly are prepared for either one.

A loss is a loss, and each loss hurts deeply.

While there I had some quiet time alone with my sweet grandpa.

We spoke about Grandma and Miles.

I know they are together, I have felt it.

I told my grandpa a couple things I wanted him to tell Miles for me.

Things I would rather not share with others.

But I also asked him to give Miles a big hug and kiss for me and tell him just how much I love him and miss him.

I know he will pass the messages on.

I also know that grandpa will look over Miles along with grandma.

He told me he would.

I take great comfort in that.

I'm so glad we made the trip.

It was worth every minute.

 We will be returning often in the next little bit.

Trials in Life

I've often caught a glimpse of an older lady who lives in our complex stopping and scowling at my window.
She then sometimes walks off shaking her head. I don't know her, but I know she is a tidy lady.
So I'm sure she doesn't appreciate that it is springtime and I still have Halloween up in my window.
I'm sure she didn't like that I had a spring banner up along with the Halloween decals for Easter either. The thing is Mark and I can't seem to take these Halloween decals down.
Miles put them up just weeks before he passed.
He would spend each day rearranging them ever so carefully.
He loved them.
He was so excited for Halloween!

If only this neighbor knew why we still have Halloween in our window during the spring.

If only she knew that during the winter I would boil water just to steam up the windows in the house to see all his little handprints that cover the window.

Handprints that I can't bring myself to clean off, even if less light comes into the house.

I love that dirty Halloween window.

I may keep it that way as long as we live here.

If only she knew all this, I'm sure she wouldn't scowl at my window anymore.

She may even love those decals as we do.

Through the loss of Miles we have and are learning many valuable lessons in life.
One of which is judgement.
Who am I to judge another?
I don't know their trials in life.
I don't know why they are in the situation they are in.
I don't know the cause for their actions, dress, behavior and more.
Instead I do know that there is a story behind each person.
That's what I try to say now, "that's a story" instead of something mean or judgmental about someone.

I often find myself out in public really looking at people.
Trying to read their soul I guess.
(It hasn't worked yet, and I'm not too sure I would want this power anyway.)
I look at them and wonder what trial they are up against.
What is their hardship right now?
Everyone has one. Everyone.

I even find myself looking at older women wondering if they too have lost a child.
Then I wonder if they have, how have they lived so long with the heartache?

When I look at people this way, realizing that they too are facing an unseen trial, I find myself loving people so much more.
I have more patience with them and even myself.

Marvin J. Ashton wrote " If we could look into each other's hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance and care."

Mark and I aren't perfect. It's not always easy not to judge another. But it is something we work hard on everyday. I don't want people to judge me when they don't know all the details of my life.
So I in turn shouldn't judge them, right?

I can't help but think what a better and loving world it would be if we all judged a little less harshly and in turn just loved one another more. If instead we helped strengthen and build one another up. What a wonderful world it would be.

Six Months

Today marks six months since we last held our son in our arms.
Six months since he took his last breath of life in my very arms.
I can't believe it's been that long.
Yet it seems like forever.

Not only was it six months ago today, but it was also a Monday six months ago, just as it is today.
The past couple days I have found myself looking at the clock and remembering exactly what was happening in our lives at that exact moment in time six months ago.
It's a hard reminder.
I will never forget those hours and what each day brought.

It's been a cold and rainy day today.
Fitting for the day really, and my mood.

It's been a hard day for all of us.
But not as bad as I thought it would be.
Only because I have found myself in a state of numbness.
I think both Mark and I have been.
Self imposed as a defense mechanism I suppose.

Vivian kept wanting to watch videos of Miles today.
She even asked where he was today.
She hasn't done that in awhile now.
That was hard.
Really hard.

Today the reality has been apparent that life has moved on.
Well, except ours.
I received only one message and one text from people today thinking of us.
That's much more than Mark's zero.
I'm not looking for a pity party.
Really I'm not.
It's just that the silence validated the fact that everyone's lives have moved on.
Yet, we still find ourselves stuck.
That's a hard reality to face.

Through this trial I have found that not only are people more distant from me, but I am from them as well.
I suppose it's another defense mechanism.
It's as though a large part of me, my heart and everything I am is locked up in a way.
Locked up to safe guard myself from any pain.
Maybe even locked up from the reality of this all.
I don't often let people know the true pain I feel because it hurts both me and them.
I don't want to hurt anyone or have them worry about me.
So it's just easier to keep locked up inside.
Deep down inside.

Tonight I let Vivian fall asleep in my bed.
I just wanted her close to me as Mark worked late.
Mark then showed up with fries and ice cream.
He thought we needed something to cheer everyone up.
Vivian perked right up.
She never really was asleep.
I think she was waiting to see her dad.

So we did a few things we never would have before.
We all ate in our bed, stayed up late and watched clips on the computer.
Vivian was so happy.
She probably thinks we do that every night after she is asleep.
(Boy is she wrong if she thinks that!)
She finally fell asleep in-between the two of us.
I laughed at the thought of what we were doing and mentioned to Mark how much we have changed.
We never would have allowed that kind of behavior so late before.
But it was exactly what we needed to end the night.

Now they are both asleep.
If only I could do the same.

Sleepless Rain

Last night I found myself escaping to Miles' old bed rather early.
Some weeks I find myself nestled between those car sheets often.
I don't know why but I enjoy being in his old bed.
I often find myself trying to escape to his old world.
Looking at all the shadows that surrounded him each night.
Listening to all the noises that helped lull him to sleep.

Last night I stayed awake most of the night listening to the rain fall upon the skylight.
My mind was racing of so many memories of him, things I needed to do and people I could help in some way or another.

My friend recently said that rainy days are her favorite since her sweet son passed.
It's so fitting to the mood she is in.
I echo that statement.

As I thought about the truth in that statement I couldn't help but think of rainy days.
It doesn't mean that there is always gloom all around us.
In fact some rainy days are full of sunshine mixed with rain.
Other days the skies are heavy with dark billowing clouds.
Some even bring thunder and lighting.
There are a mix of things that can happen on a rainy day.
Just like the way I feel each day.
I never know what that mix will be either with each day.

But always in the end the rain brings with it a fresh smell.
It cleanses the Earth.
The grass is always greener due to the rain.
The spring flowers bloom with amazing color because of the rain.
Rainy days are just what is needed to bring on new life after a long winter.
And so it is in my life too.

I still often struggle to see what it is the Lord is trying to make of me.
What I am being molded into through this new trial in life?
My rainy days may be longer than just one season.
I'm sure they will come and go all throughout my life.
My emotions will be very heavy one day, but light showers and sunshine the next.
But that isn't a bad thing.
It's actually a beautiful thing if you think about it.
As long as I am always looking for the rainbow and blossoms around me at the end of each day.

I think once the sun comes up in the morning it's time to remember that rainy days can bring a new sense of joy too.
One that Miles' and I always made sure to get out enjoy.
Rainy days were always some of the best to get out in at our house.
We never took the change of pace for granite.
Remember this?
I think it's time for Vivian's splash boots to get soggy again!

Sibling Love

This morning as Vivian, Mark and I were all snuggling in our bed, welcoming the new day,
Vivian was extra happy.
She was being super silly with some of her favorite stuffed animals, Rocky and Ruby.
Then suddenly she stopped and made a funny noise.
She was looking at the portrait of Miles next to our bed.
It's one of our favorites that my brother in law's dad did in pastel chalk for us.
It's amazing!
Vivian then said "talked me."
I asked her if Miles visited her last night and if he talked to her.
She said "yes" with such excitement.
Mark and I were so excited.
I immediately asked her what he said to her.
She thought for  a minute and said "Love you."
Mark and I found ourselves chocked up with such love and tears at the same time.
I asked her "Did Miles visit you last night and tell you that he loves you?"
She smiled big and said with even more excitement "YES!"

What a great way to start the morning!
If only Vivian was able to tell us more about these special visits that I know she gets from her brother.
I'm sure it happens often.
Miles loves her so much, I couldn't image that he wouldn't visit her all the time.
I'm sure he is watching over her daily.
If only I could join her in her dreams with him.
Doesn't that sound like Heaven?!
It does to me!


I hope when she is older she can tell us more about these special occasions.

Coincidence?

General Conference is this weekend.

Mark and I are very much looking forward to it.

We have always enjoyed it, but we find ourselves thirsting for it more than ever.

Last October 2012 General Conference Mark had to work all weekend.

So I packed Miles and Vivian up and headed to Idaho to visit my family for the weekend.

I'm so glad I did.

It was a great weekend.

Sunday my parents, the kids and I all packed up in my dad's truck and headed out for a long drive.

It's a tradition my family has done for years. 

Go for a drive, listen to conference and see the changing of the colors the fall has brought on.

It's makes for a beautiful drive.

It was funny, my parents got really excited when Elder Bowen's talk came on.

It was as though they were anticipating him.

I didn't know much about him, 

so I was impressed to hear what he had to say seeing my parent's enthusiasm.

Sadly I don't think many of us heard much of his talk.

Just as Elder Bowen began his talk Miles needed to stop and go to the bathroom.

So we found ourselves making a quick pit stop on a dirt road up in the mountains surrounded by amazing white giant windmills.

Once everyone was done with their business and settled back in the truck 

we had missed most all of his talk.

After an extended weekend at my parents house.

The kids and I packed up and headed back to see our dad.

Miles desperately wanted to get back to Mark.

It wasn't too unusual, but a little that he wanted to leave sooner than planned to see Mark.

The days after we got home Mark and I were watching conference talks 

each night to catch up on the ones we missed.

The night before we headed to our family reunion, where we lost Miles a day and a half later, we ended on this talk by Elder Bowen, "Because I Live, Ye Shall Live Also."

Mark and I stayed up that night talking about the current trials we were facing at the time.

They seemed very heavy for our shoulders to bear in that moment in time.

We reflected on this talk and spoke about how hard it would be to lose a child.

We were so lucky that the loss of a child wasn't a trial we had to bear, and that we hoped we never would have that trial because it made our current ones seem so much less.

We both said that we weren't sure that we could bear that trial.

It was at that moment we were grateful for the burdens we had to bear, as our hearts were heavy for those that bear the loss of a child or a loved one for that matter.

Is it coincidence that this was the last conference talk that we listened 

to just before Miles returned to Heaven?

Some may say so.

But for me, I don't believe in coincidences anymore.

I truly believe that God's hand is in everything.

It's just hard to recognize or understand it all the time.

But he knows us better than we know ourselves.

He prepares us in ways that we don't understand, for things to come.

I hope you all find some peace, love, hope, strength and joy in the upcoming General Conference.

I'm praying for it myself.

Easter

Easter this year was a very hard, beautiful and deeply personal holiday for us.

Mark and I have such a deeper appreciation and understanding of the true meaning of Easter.

We are eternally grateful for all that our Savior Jesus Christ gave and suffered for each of us.

It is because of him, and through him, that we will be reunited with Miles and are an eternal family.

I couldn't be more grateful and appreciative for anything in the world.

What an amazing gift and selfless act he has given each of us.

Vivian looked so beautiful in her Easter dress.

How did we get this sweet, curly red head?

I wonder almost everyday. 

I'm so grateful I have her to keep me busy each day.

She has strengthened me more than she may ever know.

My Aunt and Uncle host an Easter dinner and egg hunt each year.

It's a wonderful time for all.

Vivi loved finding the eggs in the yard.

But her egg hunting was no match for the trampoline. 

Vivian spent most the evening jumping away on it.

Both of my kids have loved the trampoline!

(Miles and Vivian last Easter. Oh how they adore one another.)

It seems each year our egg hunts end with some good bouncing to end the evening.

What a perfect way to end a great day I suppose.

Clarification for Service Projects

First I have to say that Mark and I are overwhelmed by so many of you who want to help out with our service projects.

Thank you!

To clarify a couple items for the sweats and t-shirts.
The hospital only accepts clothing that is in new and unused condition.
Also, we are collecting sizes for adults only.
No children clothing.

If you could have the clothing to me by May 1st so that we can organize everything and get it ready to donate it would be much appreciated.

I'm sorry for any confusion or lack of clarification from my previous post.
Thank you again for all your support and love.
It's truly a testament of your kind and generous hearts.
Thank you for helping make this world a better one through your kindness!

Service for Miles- Part 2

When Mark and I followed the life flight carrying our son to Primary Children's Medical Center Hospital we came straight from the pool.
I'm not sure who gave us t-shirts but somehow we ended up with t-shirts covering our swim suits.
I did have a coverup dress with me that I quickly slipped on.
But we just grabbed what people handed us and left in a moments notice.

We found ourselves at the hospital in wet clothing in the chilly month of October.
But our clothing was the last thing on our minds.
At that moment I didn't care what I was wearing.
In those moments I do remember being freezing cold.
The shock of the situation was taking hold of our bodies and the chills were taking over.
We were both shaking from both the cold, wet clothing and the shock of the situation.

A sweet social worker named Katie came in with a pair of heather gray sweat pants and beige t-shirts for each of us.
I've never felt the warmth and coziness of sweat pants quite like that before.
I didn't even matter if the clothes were way too big.
They were dry and warm.
It was such a simple but huge blessing for Mark and I in that time of complete fear and shock.
We were so grateful.

Sometimes I like to wear those sweats around the house or for walks.
I may never let go of those big, baggy sweat pants as long as I live.

The hospital is in need of such clothing articles.
For parents like us who come to the hospital in a moments notice, or may need a change of clothing due to unexpectedly having to stay the night.
I have been going all over the valley in search of sweat pants and t-shirts of all sizes and colors to donate with the quilts.

Not everyone is as talented as my Great Aunt Helen and can quilt, but most everyone can buy one pair of sweats.
So if anyone else wants to join me in gathering sweat pants or t-shirts in any size, it would be greatly appreciated by parents like Mark and I.
You will never know how much your simple efforts will bring some warmth and comfort to a parent facing a challenging situation.

I you want to participate in gathering sweat pants and t-shirts feel free to email me and let me know how you would like to help.
My email address is: andrae.kelly@yahoo.com

Any efforts are greatly appreciated!
I can't wait to donate all these items.
Think of all the people's live we will be touching.
May 13th is going to be great!

Service for Miles- Part One

I have been consumed in a couple service projects as of late.

Service projects in behalf of Miles.

Today I will post the first part, the truly amazing part.

Tomorrow I will post the second part, the part you can help with if you so choose.

My great Aunt Helen called me a couple weeks ago on my birthday.

She had something she really needed to talk to me about.

I don't really know her that well, but I knew I should call her. 

I forgot for a couple days as it was a very busy weekend.

I called her a few days later, and found myself in tears or pure joy, excitement and overwhelming love.

When Helen heard about what Miles' tragic accident she felt as though she wanted to do something to remember him.

Helen has a four year old grandson, and said she felt as though she needed to do something.

Mind you she has only met Miles once, two years ago at a family reunion.

I must tell you that Helen is an AMAZING quilter.

She has quilted for almost 40 years.

Ever since she heard about Miles' she has been busy quilting quilts for Primary Children's Medical Center Hospital.

Now Helen isn't just doing a few quilts to donate in behalf of Miles.

She has been planning on doing 49 quilts, one for each month of Miles' life, and donating them to the hospital in his name.

(This is one of the quilts. Beautiful right!)

These are not just simple quilts.

They are piece quilts and no two are alike in color or pattern.

They are 46" x 60" too. 

So they are a decent size.

When Helen called me two weeks ago she was calling to ask if Mark and I are okay with her efforts and cause.

Of course we are okay with it.  I am blown away.

It's beautiful, amazing and simply so generous!

I immediately asked, "How can I help? I'm not a quilter, or even a sewer for that matter, but I want to help!"

So Helen has been teaching me how to bind the quilts.

(this is the completed stack as of last night)

She will have 38 quilts done by the end of this week.

Of course she has some generous friends helping her out with the cause.

People I may never even met, but I am extremely humbled by and grateful for.

If you are one of these amazing people reading this right now, thank you from the bottom of my heart!

The whole thing blows my mind, and makes my heart burst with gratitude and pure love.

The CEO of Primary Children's Medical Center heard of Helen's efforts and said he wanted to make an occasion of the donation.

I guess he remembers Miles' case and hearing good things about our family.

So on May 13, 2013 our family will be participating in a special ceremony at the hospital as we donate all the quilts and other items in Miles' name.

Truly amazing right?!

I'm so overwhelmed by all the love, thoughtfulness and true kindness of so many people working so hard in behalf of my son and family whom they have never even met.

This is a huge undertaking!

So it's going to be a busy month and half of learning new skills.

I'm so excited about it!

Helen is even going to help me make quilts for my two girls in memory of Miles.

I may just become a quilter myself.

Waves of Grief

The past few days I have been overtaken and surprised in a couple situations of the grief sea.
Grief is a hard thing.
Often you have "triggers" throughout the day that bring with them a flood of emotions, memories, fears, guilt, and definitely tears.
You never know when they will come or how hard they will hit you.
You could be playing with your children, driving your car or even laying down to sleep.
These waves of grief become part of your new life.
They can be small waves, tidal waves and anything in between.
You never know how hard they will hit or how big they will be.
You just have to hold on and endure them.

The other night we were invited over for a family dinner.
We were having a good time.
Vivian was playing with her cousins.
We were making homemade ice cream.
Things were great.
Then Vivi began asking me "Mom, where is Buddy?"
She has always called Miles Buddy.
We all do.
She kept repeating the question.
To which I asked her "Vivian, where is Buddy?"
She would say "I don't know."
I would then remind her that "Buddy is with Jesus."
Then minutes later she would ask "Mom, where is Miles?"

It broke my heart.
I tried so hard to keep my emotions in control.
Thank goodness there was a lot of commotion around.
No one really noticed what was taking place.
But it was a hard moment for me.
She hasn't asked where Miles is in awhile.
At least not out in public.
I felt so bad that she didn't have her Buddy there to enjoy that fun evening.
I wish so badly I could give her back her best friend.
She misses him terribly.
Everyday.

Today at the library we went to the Toddler Story Time.
We always attended it when Miles was alive.
Now we go to the Baby Story Time.
I saw some people we haven't seen since the accident.
It was good to see them.
But hard in the same sense.
One mother in particular asked me if Miles was in school.
Our sons are the same age, and both missed the cut off date for school this year.
I wish so badly that my response was "Yes, he's is school and he loves it!"
But sadly I was faced with the reality that she had no idea what had happened to our family.
So my response instead is not only hard for me, but shocking for her to hear as well.
"No, Miles passed away."
Tears are then pooling up in my eyes making everything blurry.
But I'm trying not to make a scene.
Trying so hard to not gather Vivi up before story time even begins and rush out the door and head back to the safety of my own home.
A place where I don't have to face hard questions such a this.
A place that I can just try to find myself again without all the questions, concerns and alarming responses.
A place that I can look at pictures of Miles and try to feel his spirit still alive and around me.
Even if I can't hold him physically.

Moments like this are not only hard for me, but I know it's just as awkward for sweet concerning people such as her.
I don't want people to feel bad for asking me about Miles.
I love talking about him.
In fact it hurts worse when people don't talk about him, remembering him and that he did live.
He lived for four beautiful full years.
But I feel bad making other people feel bad or even awkward when they too are in such a state of shock of the news I just unloaded on them.
Welcome to my new life.
It's very complicated.

Needless to say I have spent the afternoon crying a lot.
I barely made it home as I was crying so hard.
I now have a terrible headache.
The joy and aftermath that comes with such crying.

Grief is such a strange, overwhelming and challenging thing to learn to live with.
How do I handle this sea of grief?
It's one of my many new challenges in life.