1.15.2013

Three Months

Today marks three months since Miles' sweet spirit left us.
A day I that is burned into my soul forever.
Each month it seems that the 13th, 14th and 15th creep up on me and hit me like a freight train.
I'm fully aware that they are coming, yet they catch me off guard and play havoc with my emotions and mind each month.

On that day three months ago, October 15, 2012, Mark and I held our son in our arms as his spirit left his body.
Headed for celestial glory.
We both felt his spirit leave at the same time.
It was an amazing moment.
We continued to lay next to him, on each side, until his beautiful little body let go.
It was 4:54 PM.
Yet another time that is burned into my soul forever.
Being with him in that last hour of his life in this mortal world was such a sacred experience.
An experience I never would have wished for, yet am so grateful for.
To be with my first born son just as he crossed through the veil.
Although I wasn't there to greet him on the other side, I was able to see him off.
In ways similar to that of a mother seeing her child off to new adventures of a two year mission.
We don't know who is there to greet them, what they will do every day, who they will be with daily, what they will eat, where they will lay their head each night and more.
Yet there is comfort in knowing that they will be close to the Lord and on his errand.

Although I sent my son off, I wish so badly I knew I was going to see him again in two years.
But I am learning to look at it as though my son's mission was four years and one month.
I'm so lucky I was able to be with him for those four years and one month of his mission here on Earth.
There truly is peace and comfort in knowing that he is in the best hands possible.
Yet it's so hard to let go.

Through this trial, and in sending Miles on to his new mission, we have seen, experienced and been blessed with many tender mercies in our lives.
Over the next little bit I would like to share with you some of them.
But for now, and for today, I will let you see one of the first tender mercies we experienced as we left Miles' hospital room on that day on October 15, 2012.

As we left our sweet son and said our final goodbyes my heart ached to know that I would never again hold my son in my arms again.
I would never stroke his hair again.
I would never run my fingers over his eyebrows to comfort him and calm him.
I would never feel his soft cheeks so full of life.
I would never kiss his warm forehead, cheeks or dainty lips again.

My heart was broken, my body too weak to move and my head so full of thoughts it was too much and too hard to process.
Just then Mark and I turned around one last time to tell him of all of our love and sorrow and we saw this.

A classic thumbs up from Miles.
It was as though Miles was trying to tell us that it was okay.
That he was okay.

Our hearts melted and found strength in this tender mercy.
A true gift for us to help strengthen us and bring us peace.
I'm so grateful for this tender mercy along with all the others we continue to experience.
They are truly treasured gifts from above.

8 comments:

  1. Oh Andrae, thanks for sharing your beautiful perspective. I am grateful for your example, but I wish so badly that this experience did not have to be yours. We continue to pray for you.

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  2. Words cannot express the depth that our hearts ache for you and Mark and Vivian...Your words are like a balm for the aching soul. You are brave and wise. Thank you sweet friend for allowing us into your life and heart.

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  3. Tears filled my eyes as I read your post. Thank you for sharing such deep, personal experiences with us. It is so inspirational and testimony building to read your beautifully written experiences with such a diffcult trial. And it is truly inspirational that you are able to find so many positive things to take away from it. Hang in there. You and your sweet family are still in my thoughts and prayers.

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  4. I have been so touched by your testimony. You're positive outlook and eternal perspective are inspiring. Thank you so much for sharing them with us.

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  6. Few words to express how we feel, but truly - we love you, admire you, ache for you, and pray for you. Thank you for sharing.

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  7. Truly inspiring. Our thoughts and prayers are with your family.

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  8. I'm so sorry...Just reading this post brought back all those raw feelings only a mother and father of an angel can feel. I know those feelings all to well, except I didn't get to be with my baby during her final moments. I got to hold her the day after she was found. But one of my tender mercies when seeing her after the accident was seeing that smirk on her face saying I got what I wanted Mom and you weren't there to stop me. One I saw multiple times a day. My heart hurts for you, but as I have read your posts I know your faith is strong. Isn't it great to know that their mission has only begun.

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