I was the person who had life all mapped out. A course ahead, a game plan, and a solution to each bump in the road that did or even may come up. Life was great and when it wasn't it was all going to be okay. There wasn't anything we or I couldn't take on with some good hard work and a good attitude. Life was generally good.
Well life threw me the biggest curve ball and it smacked me right in the face and shattered every fiber in me. At least that's how it has felt at times. Yet, even when I felt, and do feel, the most lost, the most shattered and the most darkness I have ever felt I also feel the most love, light and renew sense of hope that I have ever felt. It's the most peculiar, sacred and beautiful thing that I can barely even put into words.
In the past three years I have fought though things I never thought I could even take on. I may not always win, but I always come out stronger. To say that I am a different person today than I was three years ago is an understatement. Am I completely different? I like to think I still had love, compassion, sympathy and a giving nature, but boy have those things been multiplied a hundred fold!!! My outlook on life has been refocused. My love deeper. My conviction to help so much stronger. My desire to serve others and help lift others is full of determination. I have fought to become this person, and I continue to fight each and every day. I may always have this battle. So am I brokenhearted? YES! Of course I am. How could a mother not be, when she unexpectedly has to say goodbye to her child and expected to continue to live without piece of her, and piece of her heart? But as she sings in this song, it's a beautiful heartbreak. I'm not sure that I'm at the top of my trial yet, but the view I do see from where I am now is so exponentially expanded from where I was before losing Miles. I have not only Miles but both my Savior Jesus Christ and My Eternal Father in Heaven to thank for helping me climb this mountain and see this view. And not just see but see with clearer vision and an open heart that was literally opened more fully by shattering it into pieces.
(When we left Miles after he took his last breath and we said our goodbyes, we turned around one last time and found him giving us a thumbs up. We always did that as a family. It truly touched our hearts!!!)