10.15.2015

Beautiful Heartbreak

I still can't believe it's been three years ago that I last held my son in my arms as he took his last breath of life. If you would have told me that I would have this trial in my life, I would have never believed you. Losing a child was not anything I ever even considered. I had personally not known anyone, or I didn't think I did, that had faced that trial. But now I know that I did know mothers of angels, I just didn't know it. Oh how my world has been opened up in the last three years to others trials.

I was the person who had life all mapped out. A course ahead, a game plan, and a solution to each bump in the road that did or even may come up. Life was great and when it wasn't it was all going to be okay. There wasn't anything we or I couldn't take on with some good hard work and a good attitude. Life was generally good.

Well life threw me the biggest curve ball and it smacked me right in the face and shattered every fiber in me. At least that's how it has felt at times. Yet, even when I felt, and do feel, the most lost, the most shattered and the most darkness I have ever felt I also feel the most love, light and renew sense of hope that I have ever felt. It's the most peculiar, sacred and beautiful thing that I can barely even put into words.

This song described it best! I often have this song on constant repeat and full blast in my house. I love it so much and it truly strengths me! She truly captured my heart in this song!

In the past three years I have fought though things I never thought I could even take on. I may not always win, but I always come out stronger. To say that I am a different person today than I was three years ago is an understatement. Am I completely different? I like to think I still had love, compassion, sympathy and a giving nature, but boy have those things been multiplied a hundred fold!!! My outlook on life has been refocused. My love deeper. My conviction to help so much stronger. My desire to serve others and help lift others is full of determination. I have fought to become this person, and I continue to fight each and every day. I may always have this battle. So am I brokenhearted? YES! Of course I am. How could a mother not be, when she unexpectedly has to say goodbye to her child and expected to continue to live without piece of her, and piece of her heart? But as she sings in this song, it's a beautiful heartbreak. I'm not sure that I'm at the top of my trial yet, but the view I do see from where I am now is so exponentially expanded from where I was before losing Miles. I have not only Miles but both my Savior Jesus Christ and My Eternal Father in Heaven to thank for helping me climb this mountain and see this view. And not just see but see with clearer vision and an open heart that was literally opened more fully by shattering it into pieces.

 (When we left Miles after he took his last breath and we said our goodbyes, we turned around one last time and found him giving us a thumbs up. We always did that as a family. It truly touched our hearts!!!)

So as I continue up this mountain, with both smooth trails and rocky trails, I have faith that my view from the top is going to be more grand than I can imagine. But I know that it's work to get that point, and sometimes painful work. But I'm here now, I'm not giving up, and I'm up for the hike. Besides I have one of the cutest, loving and tender angels that I know by name, Miles, giving me a thumbs up and so much more as I journey ahead. I truly love you more than you know Buddy!!! I'm holding on until Eternity and when I see you again, I'm NEVER letting go!!!

5 comments:

  1. You're amazing and I love you! XOXO

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  2. I have been thinking a lot about you over the past couple of days Andrae. As I read through your posts and see the sacred photos you share, I feel a deep ache for you and your loss. It is so heartbreaking. It doesn't get any easier does it? I hope you know of all the love and thoughts and prayers that are constantly headed your way. Hang in there. You are loved by so many here and on the other side of the veil. I hope I can witness your beautiful family's reunion some day.

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  3. That was beautiful. And inspiring.
    Thank you, Andrae.

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  4. My sweet friend in grief....It gave me chills to see the picture of Miles precious thumb and think that he totally did that for you! I know it will all be okay but for now we must push along forcefully with all our might until we reach our child. Love you my friend. Keep truckin

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  5. Thank you. You expressed my feelings exactly. A friend passed along your blog to me when I lost my 3 yr old daughter last month, and I am just now reading it. Thank you for your strength and for your testimony. I'm so sorry for your loss. And every other mother who ever goes through this. I never knew. I'm so glad we know what we know. Where would we be without it!?!

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