Physical Changes

I've almost posted about this topic a few times.
But I don't want to sound like a complainer or that I'm being a sob story.
But then Monday this happened.

After a great weekend with family I found myself at the doctor's office getting pumped full of a cocktail of fluids. Never in my life have I needed an IV bag fully loaded with drugs, except when giving birth.
Turned out that I had a bad infection that my body just couldn't fight off.
They are currently running blood work looking for other things and making sure all my levels are okay.
This doesn't happen to me. I'm generally a healthy person.

When Miles passed away we were warned by many doctors, counselors and other's that we should expect to be sick A LOT within that first year of Miles' passing.
But we were blessed to not experience any such thing.
And thank goodness because being pregnant and grieving at the same time was all my body could handle.
I was shocked we never experienced what everyone told us we should expect.

Now it's not to say we haven't experienced some illness.
The day after I gave birth to Clara I got shingles.
Thinking it was just a rash I missed the window for medication.
That was miserable!!!

Now that we are almost at two years, it seems as though we are being hit by it all now.
 I never understood the toll that grief would take physically on our bodies.
No one told me about that.
No one really talks about it much.
Well let me tell you it is real!

The human body is amazing.
It can take A LOT, yet it can only take so much.

Grief has brought on, just to name a few things:
(Note: these are mainly physical changes, not emotional. That's a long list all on it's own.)

- Lock Jaw. I have had this now for over a year and can't get it to go away. I can't eat certain foods anymore because I literally can't chew them. 
(You would think I would lose weight because of this one. Nope.)
- Shingles. As I mentioned earlier. Miserable, just miserable.
- Exhaustion. Exhaustion like I have never know it before. No matter how much I sleep, nap, etc. I'm exhausted. Just physically and mentally exhausted. Working out helps, but I'm so exhausted I feel as though I can't go as hard as I use to.
- Aging. I honestly physically feel at least 10 years older, if not more. My body just does not feel and act the same as it used to. I can even see the evidence of this in pictures of myself. It's not pretty.
- Infections. It seems I get a random fever almost weekly or every two weeks lately. My body just can't fight anymore....it's just too exhausted.
- Sleeplessness. honestly I'm so exhausted you would think I would just crash out in seconds at night, but I can't sleep. I'm not haunted by images, smells, thoughts, dreams, etc much anymore, but I just can't sleep well.
- Motivation. I used to be so motivated and determined. Driven you could say. I lack all of that now and it frustrates me beyond words. That's not me at all, yet I just don't care.
-Weight Gain. As hard as I work out, even sometimes three times a day, my body will not let go of weight. It is holding onto dear life for anything it can.

Now, honestly I'm not writing this to get sweet messages of sympathy. 
I write this to let other's know that as one is grieving they are also changing in ways they never saw coming. Ways they don't understand. Ways that are frustrating, yet they are so helpless from.
If you are someone experiencing this craziness, know that you are not crazy. 
Your body is in shock and trying to cope.
For how long? I have no idea, maybe some things will be with us forever.
But I hope that most things calm down after a bit.
They have to right?!?

If you are someone that knows someone grieving, experiencing a life changing or traumatic experience in life ask if you can help. No...don't ask, just do something. Take their kids for a couple hours, bring dinner over one night, or just let them vent about all these new changes that are so frustrating and real.

Truly the human body is incredible. 
It is a defender. It knows when things are not right and it goes into defense mode.
Even sometimes against itself it seems.
What an amazing creation God created for us.


  1. Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this! I'm glad it's not just me.

  2. Yes, thank you for your honesty in telling like it really is. I can't seem to get my motivation back either, and my husband and I both feel like we've aged so much since losing our daughter. I hope they can find what's wrong and that you can feel better soon. And thank you for this blog. I'm a fellow angel mom who takes so much comfort reading other people's stories and knowing I'm not alone.

  3. I guess your body just shuts down on you. :( I have a question, you mentioned in a previous blog that Miles had some sort of float on when he went into the water that day, do you mind me asking what kind? I teach swimming at my home in Florida to 3 and 4 year olds. And I am always having to explain to parents why some of those things are not safe, Thank you and feel my hug from Tallahassee, Dina

  4. Truth! Thank you for writing and sharing. I couldn't have explained it any better. So sorry for your loss. Huge hugs!!!