A Day I Have DREADED For Years

 

 (Vivian wearing the raincoat we had bought for Miles to wear at this age, but never got the chance.)

Today is a day that Mark and I have literally dreaded for years. Today marks the day that our sweet Vivian will be older than her older brother Miles on this Earth. How is that even possible? Older than your older brother? No parent should know a date or milestone like that. Over the past month my mind and heart have been fighting the fact that this day really would become a reality. Yet here I am slapped in the face with another milestone in life and this long journey of grief that I would rather not ever know.

It was two and half years ago that I took this picture of Miles and Vivian after snuggling them in bed for the last time ever. If only I would have known. I never would have allowed anyone to leave this bed. In this picture Miles and Vivian are now the exact same age as of today. I just still can't believe it.

Over the last month we have already experienced many firsts with Vivian. It's been both exciting and very bittersweet. She has lost her first tooth. Thus the Tooth Fairy has now made an appearance at the Kelly house. On her fourth birthday Vivian decided it was time to ditch the Strider bike of Miles' and ride a big girl bike without training wheels. This took only one try. It was incredible to watch. She is pushing and exploring her independence daily and that in itself is very interesting for me as a mother.

I've literally tried to focus my attention on Vivian and truly enjoy each moment with her over the past month. I can't help but think of her brother at this age as I hold her and hug her each day. To remember what it was like to hold my sweet boy at that age and feel his awesome hugs with his arms wrapped so tight around my neck. Vivian doesn't quite hug as strong and as intense as he did, and oh how I miss his hugs! But I find myself starring at Vivian's feet and hands remembering Miles' sweet little body and how much I miss every inch of it!

So here we go forward, time ticking away, reminding me each day that life is moving forward, even if my mind and heart still can't grab a hold of this concept, as I'm stuck in a frozen yet ever aging life. Yet I am trying to appreciate all the new adventures in our lives as I see my girls so happy as they grow. Both girls are so sweet to always remember and even include Miles in their thoughts, words and hearts each day. He may not have been here physically to lose a tooth, to ride a two wheel bike and many more things, yet we feel him close with us, cheering us on and watching over us in the most special ways. It truly is a sacred and beautiful thing.

Love So Hard It Hurts

 

All 100 stickers so proudly put on his shirt in ONE spot. He was soooo proud!      

Last week an angel mom whom I've never meet in person, but call her friend, asked me this question, "if you knew from the beginning of his life that Miles would die, would you have done anything different?"

I have never thought of this before. Probably because I won't really allow myself to think of things I didn't do, but I try and focus on things we did do. There really aren't too many regrets I have with Miles. I of course am not a perfect parent, I'm trying just like everyone else. More than anything I mourn over the memories lost than the memories lived imperfectly. But her question really got me thinking and still has me thinking about how I am with my girls. I responded with something like this.

I would be more patient with him and probably less strict about trivial things. I wouldn't get so upset about being late for things because he wasn't hurrying like I expected him to in order to get out the door. He was trying and for that I should be grateful. He was just little and his hurrying isn't what mine is.

I would let him make more messes, and leave his forts up longer instead of being bugged by his creative imagination because I saw it as out of order and chaotic. 

I would let him mix his play-doh with as many colors as he wished. I mean it's for him to play with, not me. And if he wanted crazy mixes, who am I to stop it?

I wouldn't worry so much about him getting his clothes messy and dirty from food or playing. I would instead try and be more like my grandma and get to be a master of stains. And should I not get one out, I may look at it more like a badge of childhood honor gained from a new adventure conquered.

I would have hugged him longer and probably slept in his bed every night with him. (Okay maybe not that last part....but maybe.)

I wouldn't listen to what the world wanted him to be or put expectations on him, or myself as his mother, to conform to the world's views on what we should be doing and when. I would want him to only worry about what the next hour's adventure would be. Not what the world and society wanted him to know, do and think in his life.

I would want him to LOVE life. I think he did, but I would make sure he worried less, and experienced joy in every moment no matter the circumstances. There is always something positive to find right. I would help him look for that.

But above all I would look him in the eyes every day and make sure he knew he was loved more than anything in the world. I honestly did tell him everyday that I loved him. But I would make sure he KNEW it with every action, word and touch I had with him. I would love him so hard it would hurt!!

Miles' first ice cream cone ever. He was 2. I was too afraid of how dirty he would get so I never gave him his own cone. He got plenty dirty but he loved every minute of it! And it all washed up perfectly.

Changing Through Trials

I know I have been MIA a little from here.

I feel as though I have just been hanging on, grasping for air at times really. The holidays are really hard, and for some reason this one is proving very hard for me. I don't know why, but it is.

My two girls keep me busy and for that I'm so grateful, but it's in the quiet moments my heart and soul are very heavy.

Some days I just wish someone would show up at my door and take my girls, even for just an hour so that I can cry and release all these built up emotions.

But knowing me I wouldn't allow it, and I would insist that all is well.

There are so many times as of late that I just can't process that Miles really left us, or even sometimes that he really lived on this Earth with me.

Did I really hold my sweet little 17 month old red head daughter in my arms for her to say her final goodbye to her older brother?

My heart and mind will never forget these moments, yet they seem to not want to recognize their reality. But this pictures confirms it's reality.

I don't know why after two years, I still can't understand this all.

Some days, weeks and months I can, yet some hours and minutes I can't at all.

Lately I have heard of so many people's trials. 

I have even been witnessing many around me.

Trials are such a hard and difficult thing for not only the people going through them, but those watching as well.

My heart aches, truly, as I witness and hear of so many.

Why do we have to suffer? Why do we have to hurt?

I'm not convinced that we will ever fully understand the Why in this life.

But I do know that if it weren't for trials we would not be who we are and who we are becoming.

As I watch others endure trials that I may never be able to endure, I find strength, hope and even love in a depth that would never be should it not be for the fire of the trial at hand.

As odd and as hard as it is to say, I am grateful for this trial that I am, and may always be facing.

I know there will be more trials in my life. I don't get a "skip trials pass," although I would love one!

But through this trial I have felt the fire of my refiner, forging me into a new person.

One that I wouldn't otherwise be if I didn't feel the intense heat and scorching of the fire and each  swing of the hammer molding me and shaping me into something and someone new.

I have felt this change all the way from the depth of my soul to the outward skin that covers body.

I have changed, and I continue to change into something better and new each day that I allow my maker to make modifications to me as I allow him and work with him to become what he has envisioned for me to become.

So why trials? Why me?

Why not? Because God loves me and each of you so much that he trusts us with hard things.

He trusts us to trust in him, to allow him to help mold us into something we wouldn't otherwise allow ourselves to become if it weren't for facing and enduring hard things.

So here is to becoming what he has in store for each of us by trusting in him.

A Sleeping Child

Ever since Miles passed no one has really been sleeping around our house.
There are many struggles that many people are unaware of.
The ability to sleep is one of those challenges.

I can't sleep without taking some sort of sleeping aid.
I have tried and failed almost each time.
My mind, thoughts and feelings are truly haunting and overwhelming.
It's a true battle that I can't seem to find any ground in as of yet.

Mark is so exhausted from working so many jobs and long hours.
Some nights he just crashes.
Others are spent tossing and turning.

But Vivian, sweet Vivian has struggled with sleep from the night we came home from the hospital.
It's as though she is a new born again.
Waking every two hours, or even less.
She was sleeping fine before the accident.
Since, she has been continually waking.
Needing to physically touch and feel either Mark or I next to her.
She truly has an issue of separation anxiety from Mark and I since the accident.

We have tried many different things with her over the past almost 5 months to help her sleep again.
It even go so back that I counseled with her doctor about the matter.
We have tried a few different sleep aides, toddler approved of course.
And to no avail, no sleep.
In fact, it seemed less when we tried these.

We tried the crying it out method.
Which would only lead to a poop filled diaper and her lethargically standing up, resting her head on the side of the crib.
This gave me terrible anxiety about her suffocating herself during the night.

We slept next to the crib with the nightlight on.
No, she needed to touch us and hold our hand.

A couple months ago we finally found ourselves bringing her crib mattress into our room on the floor next to the bed each night.
She would then sleep for a few hours.
When she would wake we would lie next to her on the floor holding her hand.
Some nights we would sleep on the floor for up to 5 hours.
It made for some long and uncomfortable nights.
But it was the best sleep we were all getting with her in months.
We were excited and happy about the new arrangement.

As of last week I found myself more engaged as a parent again.
At least at bedtime.
I have tried to return to our old bedtime routine as much as possible.
This is something that is so hard for me to do.
Bedtime is such a cherished and even sacred time for me with my children.
We have always had a set routine that we do with our children each night.
Baths, pajamas, family scriptures study, family prayers, family hugs and kisses, then books are read or stories told to the children while in their warm beds.
This is followed by soft lullabies played in the room, with the glow of the night light, and a final kiss and tuck in for the night.
It's parenting bliss.

Since Miles passed I can't bring myself to do this each night.
Especially with Mark working such late nights and I'm all alone with Vivian.
It's just too hard emotionally.
Then when I don't do it I feel guilty, it's a vicious cycle of emotional pain each night.

But last week I told myself I could do it again.
And I have.
The routine is a little modified, but very similar.
I can't bare to have the favorite lullaby CD play right now.
I find myself transfixed to it and just sobbing in the dimly lit room.
So for now, it's put away.
One day it will come back into the routine.

Now I sit outside Vivi's room and read for awhile as she falls asleep.
This assures her that I'm still there and she is okay.
It seems to do the trick and I get some great reading in.
I don't mind this new addition too much.

I'm beyond happy to report that Vivian has now been sleeping in her own room for just over a week now.
This is big news at our house!
She even sleeps until about 5:30 AM.
At which time she finds her way into our room, reaching out for me next to our bed.
It's wonderful.

Thank you to many of you for your concern about this matter.
For all the prayers and fasting on our behalf with this issue.
It has truly helped!