Memorial Day 2014

I found myself day dreaming of this Memorial Day this year. What would we do? I found myself walking past the aisles of the stores with all the fake flower arrangements weeks before. How could one of those even come to envelope my love for my son? I soon started getting angry whenever I saw them. They were everywhere I turned. Yet I watched people pass them without even a glimpse at them. I soon found myself thinking how people didn't even know or see the pain I have been carrying around with me for 19 months. 19 Months!!! So long, yet so short.

I came home one night and asked Mark what he wanted to do for Memorial Day for Miles. This was our first Memorial Day that we would be able to visit his grave. He didn't know what to do either.

We decided we wanted to involve the girls. Miles would love that more than anything. So we took the girls to the store and we all chose special things for our brother and son. We ended up with mostly colorful pinwheels. He loved pinwheels so it really was fitting.

On our way out to visit Miles grave we stopped to buy a nice flower arrangement. Vivian was so excited to go to Miles grave. She is understanding it a little more. Yet when we got there, she yet again wondered where Miles was. So we took her over and pointed out the engraving on his headstone.
She loves seeing Miles holding Jesus' hand. It seems to give her peace, just as it does us, seeing Miles and Jesus together.

We set out our family blanket and some snacks for everyone. We staked in the pinwheels. Vivian grabbed our special brush and dust pan we have for visiting the cemetery and she started cleaning his headstone. She even cleaned grandma and grandpa's along with those who surround Miles.

We took with us Miles' favorite stuffed animals. Mr. Hugs (his white bear in the picture at the top of our blog) and Monkey, his sock monkey. They were the last things Miles held onto as he laid in his hospital bed. Oh how he loved them!

The weather at the cemetery was so nice. The heat from the sun was beating upon us yet the constant Idaho wind was cooling us at the same time. It was so nice to lay at his resting spot and watch his new pinwheels spin in the wind. I found myself laying down and hugging Mr. Hugs soaking up that warmth from both the sun and the comfort of Mr. Hugs. I silently spoke with Miles in my heart. I'm certain he heard every word. It almost felt as though Miles was hugging me right back through Mr. Hugs. It truly was the most peaceful time I have ever felt at his transformation place. Oh how I can't wait for the day I get to hold that boy in my arms again! I'm afraid I may never let go! I love you Miles!!!

Memorial Day 2013

For Memorial Day this year we weren't able to go out of town to be at 

Miles' grave due to work schedules.

So we dedicated the day to do some of Miles' favorite things.

We started the day off up in Big Cottonwood Canyon at one of Miles' favorite places, Silver Lake.

Our family has always enjoyed going to Silver Lake.

In fact a week and half before Miles' passed we went up there 3 times in less than a week's time.

Our very last family photo was taken there. But that's another post.

We love it there!

Then we ate lunch outside and fed the birds.

After a nice lunch we went to Miles' favorite indoor bounce houses, Kangaroo Zoo.

Oh man did he love this place!

His personality really came out when we would go there.

In fact the month before he passed he incessantly kept asking to go there.

Mark and I really wish we would have taken him!

(I know it's blurry, but you can still see the fear on her face.)

Vivian was frightened by the place at first.

I don't blame her, those blow up things are huge and could be scary with 

all the dragons and such on them.

But after a couple attempts, and dad getting in with her, she was hooked. 

She even went down the huge slides all by herself. She's a brave one.

Just like Miles!

We came home and finished the night off with some popcorn.

Miles' favorite!

I was always amazed at just how much popcorn that kid could eat.

My good friend gave me this sweet bracelet with a picture of me and Miles'.

On the back side it says Miles.

I love it!!!

The amazing thing is, she gave it to me on Sunday, Memorial weekend.

This photo was taken on Saturday of last year's Memorial weekend.

She had no idea, but her timing was perfect.

I made sure to wear it all weekend and in our own way take Miles with us on our adventures.

It felt so good to look down at his smiling face all throughout the day!

Thanks Cindy!

Although we didn't get to go to Miles' grave, the day really was so nice.

We felt it was just what Miles' would have wanted us to do.

We love you Miles! 

You are forever in our minds, thoughts and most of all our hearts.

Till we meet again son.

Transformation Place

I've struggled each time that I have been at Miles' graveside. My whole body aches to hold him, to feel his soft skin against mine, to run my fingers through his hair and to kiss his sweet cheeks. I would give anything just to feel the warmth of not only his body but his loving embrace one more time. To feel our bodies and our souls connecting just as it use to be.

This Memorial weekend has been a hard one. Mark has had to work so the days have been long and lonely. Because of his work schedule we haven't been able to journey to Idaho to be at Miles' graveside. Luckily we have visited his grave a lot over the past few weeks. Because we aren't able to go this weekend I am finding myself in a sort of denial. So much so I find myself just becoming numb to everything, the holiday itself, the purpose of it, and even the fact that the holiday is now more sacred than ever before to me. Numb to the reality that Miles is really gone. Numb to really everything right now. I suppose it's a coping mechanism, and that's the only way I can cope right now.

A good friend of mine (who also lost her sweet son) recently sent me a message that I would like to share. She sent it to me just days before we went to the cemetery to lay my grandpa to rest. I knew it would be even more difficult to be at the cemetery for his funeral with all the family around and realization that within 7 months we had lost our first son and my dear grandpa. I made sure to wear my big sunglasses to hide all the tears streaming down my face. It was hard. Thankfully my black dress hid all the wet spots caught by my baby bump. But my sweet friend's message truly shed a new perspective on the graveside that I have found so comforting. 

She said she was reading something that was, as she said "talking about how when we plant seeds, the seed passes away and after a time a beautiful plant sprouts in its place. We can view our dear loved ones who have passed on in a similar way. We lay their seed (or body) in a protective cocoon and bury them in the ground and after a time they will rise and grow into the beautiful perfected beings they were meant to become. I really liked this analogy. It made the process seem beautiful."

She then quoted: "The graveside service is not a burial, but a planting. The grave is not a hole in the ground, but a fertile furrow. The cemetery is not the resting place, but rather the transformation place." (Author unknown)

Thank you Hilary for the beautiful perspective. You sent it at a time when I really need it. It has changed me forever!

I want to thank all those who took time out of their weekend to show so much love and support to Miles' and our family. Visiting his transformation place, leaving gifts, beautiful flowers, messages of love and even releasing yellow balloons with polka dots with message of love sent up to heaven. Also for sending pictures of each occasion. I can't tell you how much it means to our family that you remember him, visit his transformation place and continue to love him as we do. Thank you! We love you all!