Blessing of Josie

Last Sunday Mark blessed Josie, giving her a name and a blessing in our church. Mark gave her a very beautiful blessing! Oh how my children are blessed to have such a wonderful dad, who loves them and blesses them with wonderful blessings! It was a wonderful day celebrating this sweet girl with family we love so much!

To say that I have been smitten with this little one is a bit of an understatment.
Having her has not only given my arms something to hold, but has brought a little ray of sunshine into my heart and soul that has been missing for longer than I think I even understand.

But this sunshine in my heart not only comes from Josie, but Vivian and Clara too.
To say I am blessed is an understatement! I mean look at those beautiful girls. BLESSED!
Oh how I long for Miles to be here. To have his sweet influence here in our home...physically.
But his influence is here. He is with each of these sweet girls! He is with ALL of us! 

It's crazy to me that we have three little girls with us now. Three sweet girls and one really incredible boy, make our family. Although it's hard to not have Miles in our pictures anymore, he is in our hearts and that is huge. I will always think of him, remember him, speak of him and long for him. I can't wait for the day he will be in our pictures again!! Family of SIX we are. It's crazy and wonderful!

Welcome Josie Mae

 October 20, 2015 We welcomed this sweet little one into the world and our family.

Josie Mae Kelly

7 lbs. 5 oz. 20" long

To say the girls were excited was an understatement.

I still can't believe we have three little girls running around this house now.

Clara LOVES to tell us that she isn't little. She's a big sister! 

And she couldn't be more proud of that fact.

(In fact she thinks she's my big sister. I can't seem to win that argument, so I gladly agree now.)

And Vivian, well she's kind of a baby hog. She wakes up super early asking to hold Josie. 

Who knew she would be such a great helper for me. It's been wonderful having her around to hold Josie so I can fill sippy cups, make lunch, etc.

We have LOVED having Josie Mae in our home! She is very sweet. So far she sleeps really good. (Fingers crossed. I'm just waiting for it to turn, because we have never had such a calm baby before.)

I won't lie we have also had some growing pains within the family, trying to find our new places in life. But it's been so wonderful bringing her sweet spirit into our home and family.

Now the real question. What color hair and eyes will she have? So far she has Miles coloring. 

But time will tell. It's always a surprise around here.

Angel Siblings - Always Remembering

After Miles passed away I wondered if Vivian would remember him and know she had a brother. She was only 17 months old. But I didn't just want Vivian to know she she had a big brother, I wanted all our children to know him and include him in their lives. It's heartbreaking to say, but Vivian's actual memories of Miles with her physically have slowly faded. But her and Clara continue to talk about Miles and include him daily in our family. They are sure to tell everyone they have a big brother named Miles. I truly LOVE it!

As much as I love them telling everyone about Miles it can get a little awkward at times. While celebrating Miles' birthday in Utah we were at a restaurant for lunch and the girls were playing in the play room. Mark, my aunt and I were watching the girls from the glass windows seated outside the room. We noticed that Vivian and Clara were playing with some girls their ages. Suddenly we saw that Vivian was getting rather excited about what she was talking to the little girl her age. Vivian's hands were getting more and more expressive with her talking. We laughed about Vivian's passion at times and how physically expressive she can be. Minutes later we noticed that Vivian now had that sweet little girl backed up in a corner, and Vivian's hands were on her hips and her head was getting closer and closer to that innocent girls face. We had never seen this behavior from Vivian. Mark promptly got up and went to see what was going on. I was sort of laughing at the matter with my aunt, but worried too. What could be going on up there? They were just having fun, what changed and why was Vivian behaving this way?

When Mark came back he said that as soon as he went into the play room, the poor little girl was backed up as far as possible in the corner and was telling Vivian that she was scaring her. But Vivian just kept saying "Yeah, and my brother is Miles and he died" over and over. So Mark broke up the commotion and had our girls come out. Vivian immediately told me that she was just telling her new friend about Miles. I sort of laughed, but very nervously. I was so glad she was remembering him, and speaking of him. But maybe not in that manner. The poor little girl didn't know what she was in for when she met our passionate Vivian. I didn't even realize how passionate Vivian was about telling others about Miles until that moment.

I found myself  very uncomfortable with the situation, and sad that our lives have come to a moment like this. A moment that I wasn't sure if I should address the matter with the girls mother or what I should tell Vivian, because she really didn't do anything bad. She just scared the poor girl and talking about someone dying is probably not a common thing to that girl. (I wish it weren't something my girls knew much about either. I swear a couple times a week, when my girls are playing house either their sister or brother has died. I have never gotten use to that kind of talk in my house. But I suppose it's part of their grieving.)

As uncomfortable and perplexed as I was by the whole situation in the play room I have to say that part of my heart was full of love and joy at the fact that Vivian was remember and including Miles in her daily life. That she wanted her friends and those she meets to know her brother and that he is part of her life still today. It is what I worried she would lose and forget, but she is showing us passionately that she is not forgetting him anytime soon. Angel siblings truly are special children!

Miles' Birthday 2015

For Miles' Birthday we spent the weekend in Salt Lake City. We were there for doctor visits for another child, and thought we would make a weekend of it. We spent each day doing some of Miles' favorite things. First up, one of Miles' favorite places that we celebrated his third birthday. It's basically a mini indoor amusement park. The girls loved the carousel.

 And of course the swings are always a hit.

Mark and I enjoyed watching the girls on these flying spaceships the most. They were Miles' favorite! He called them the "Buzz Ships" after Buzz Lightyear of course.

The next day we spent the day in the mountains. We drove up to Silver Lake for a nice stroll and lunch around the lake. It has always been one of our family's favorite places to go. In the summer you could find us there almost weekly. It's beautiful in the fall!!! And we were lucky the colors were just starting to turn.

Feeding the ducks is a must on our list at Silver Lake. The kids always love spending a lot of time at this spot with the ducks. It always cracks me up how they eat two bites of bread per every one they feed the ducks. Thus we never take moldy bread with us. Lucky ducks!

Of course most of us were sporting our BYU shirts. Plus that night it was game night that night, so we had to show our Y Pride!

We sat and ate lunch at a spot that I last ate lunch with Miles and Vivian along with some good friends on one of our last visits to Silver Lake. It was a tender moment for me sitting and eating in the shade of the trees and watching the girls explore the rocks around. Oh how I wish I could go back to that afternoon just three years ago! I would never leave that spot again!!!

We were super lucky and at the end we saw a young calf Moose eating in the lake. We all watched for it for forever, just taking in the majesty before our eyes.

After the lake we spent the rest of the day driving up through the canyons to see all the changing colors of the trees. Utah mountains are simply breathtaking! I found a knot in my throat and stomach as we drove into Park City and passed the place that I last snuggled my son in my bed and told him how much I loved him. It felt as though the breath had been knocked out of me as we passed the resort. What tender and sacred place that will always be to me. While driving a long loop of canyons we were able to stop in and visit some good friends and spend time with them and their kids. The girls welcomed the break from the car and running around with friends.

While in Utah we made sure to eat at some some of Miles' favorite places. We watched BYU football and simply spent time as a family.

One evening I met with an angel mom who just lost her precious son a month prior. She is a good friend of a family member's, but I had never meet her before. I took her a few things that have helped me in my healing process. We literally spent hours crying and talking as our desserts melted, basically untouched. It was a very sacred night and I feel honored to have meet her and now call her a friend myself!

On Miles' actual birthday we took the day very easy. I didn't want the hype and pressure of doing any sort of birthday celebrations as we have in the past. I just couldn't do that this year. Notoriously it seems as though either Mark or I, or even both, are very upset that day and having so much commotion going on doesn't help. It's just too much to bare at times. So we slowly drove home that day, driving through another canyon and stopping off at some very dear friends. When we got there we gifted to their very special son all the clothes we had bought for Miles for the upcoming fall and summer that he never got to wear. Months ago I went through his clothes preparing for a project with his clothes. I didn't know what to do with all the clothes that still bore tags. I had dreamed of Miles wearing them, and couldn't just give them away to charity. For months I have wondered what to do with them, and all I could think of was our friend's special little boy who faces heavy life challenges himself. Miles prayed for their sweet little boy nightly the last month and a half before he passed. He truly loved him. So Mark and I couldn't think of anyone else to give Miles' things to. It brought so much joy to Mark and I to see how excited he was to wear the Mater Pajamas Miles was so excited about wearing. Seeing their sweet little boy in those pajamas and his huge smile as he proudly ran into the room to show us was the best birthday present we could have asked for that day! It was truly better than any cake, candle blowing and balloon launch we could have done that day....unless of course we had Miles here to do those things with. I left that weekend with my heart feeling lifted about the service we gave, the people we saw and all the special memories we made that weekend. It felt as though Miles was there with us for each moment and was happy to see us all together as family remember and celebrating him!

Clara is 2

 

I can't believe this little girl is two today!

She has been so excited for her "purple birthday."

I guess we do birthdays in color now?

And I'm sure you guessed her favorite color is purple.

 

First you should know that Clara Amy Kelly is named after this amazing lady, my Aunt Amy.

She's not just an aunt, she's like a mother to me, a sister, a best friend and so much more.

She has always been there for both me and my family. All five of us adore her!!

Clara and Amy even share the same birthday!!!!

(We planned that one perfectly!)

So happy birthday to both Amy and Clara!!!

 

This sweet little girl came into our lives at a time that we were hoping to expand our family, but at a time that we didn't expect such news.

We had literally just started to try for another baby and then Miles passed away.

A baby was the very last thing on my mind at that point.

It was exactly two weeks to the day of his passing that we found out we were in fact pregnant.

I had wondered and worried that if I was pregnant, that my body would reject the pregnancy due to such high stress my body was experencing at that time.

But Mark and I put our trust and faith in the Lord, and wouldn't you know it, this strong, independent and vibrant little Clara not only prevailed but brought something special and unique that our family has flourished from over the past two years.

Clara is sweet but sassy all at the same time.

When she has something in mind she wants to do, she never backs down without accomplishing it.

And she never wants help.

She always says, "I do it, I do it."

She has more energy than any of my children thus far.

And requires little sleep or food for such energy, which amazes me.

She's like the energizer bunny actually.

She is straight up funny!

She is constantly cracking us up around here....even herself!

She really has no fear when it comes to anything....except dogs.

She is leery of dogs, especially small ones, and some bugs.

But heights, fast things and anything that gets the adrenaline going is what she is all about.

She truly gives Mark and I anxiety at times. Oh not to mention those casually observing her in public. They are all in shock of her.

She is capable of far more than you would think from her tiny little body.

She's kind of amazing that way.

She is literally always into and doing something.

She really doesn't sit still for long.

So she keeps us moving around here.

(I think that was part of God and Miles' plan. 

Send her to us so we wouldn't have time just sit and cry.)

She has the best laugh, and she loves to laugh.

She also loves to make others laugh.

She also loves her brother Miles and loves to wear anything of his!

She calls him "Mi Moe."

(This is his old rain jacket that each of the three kids have worn.)

She tags along with and copies her big sister...always.

If Vivian is at school or a play date, she cries the entire time and asks me every five minutes, "Vivi...back?"

They really are best friends!

She has a very creative mind and is always making us laugh with the things she comes up with.

She literally carried this little toy vacumm up a slide and got onto the trampoline herself.

Then she began to vacumm it.

I think she's a little OCD like her mom and brother.

Clara is the life of the party.

She beats to her own drum.

She's full of life, loves to snuggle, and loves her "mimi" (blanket). 

She also gives the best big kisses while grabbing the back of your head so you can't pull away.

Generally speaking Clara is a very happy girl.

Clara, you came into our lives during the hardest and lowest point I hope to ever know.

You have brought such a sweet spirit into both our home and hearts.

Thank you for chosing us as your parents!

We love and adore you more than words can express!!

Happy Birthday sweet girl.

It's A Girl's World Around Here

A couple weeks ago we went in for our ultrasound. At first we weren't going to find out the gender of this baby, but to be honest I've had a hard time connecting with this baby. I also had a hard time connecting with Clara when we unexpectedly found out we were pregnant with her just right after Miles passing. Actually it was even harder for me to connect with her. It was just too much for me to take on at that time. But God and Miles knew that we needed her and so it was.

To be honest ever since losing Miles I've had a hard time connecting and getting too excited when I'm pregnant. It's a strange thing, even I can't describe it. I suppose it's hard to want to get too attached and give more of my heart away when it's just so broken and frozen solid for lack of a better way to describe it. It's not that I don't love my living children, I truly do, with all my heart! It's just that my heart is in such a locked position and is so hurt, so fragile and tender it's complicated to say the least.

Mark and I truly debated about having a fourth child. We wondered if we were mentally ready for another child and the challenges it brings. But we knew in our hearts that our family wasn't complete yet, and there were more sweet spirits that needed to come into our family. Besides, to put it all out there, I'm not sure I will ever fully be mentally healthy again. There are just too many things I struggle with daily and will forever more. I'm truly a changed person because of all that I have been through. How could you not be?But I do know that I am capable physically and mentally to handle more sweet children. It's just a matter of letting go of some things and accepting the new me. Even though, I don't know and understand this person at times.

So here we are....half way through this pregnancy. I have to say I have been very sick and completely exhausted this pregnancy. But things are going well. Most importantly the baby is healthy and both Vivian and Clara are beyond excited to welcome this sweet little baby girl into our family. Yep....another Kelly GIRL. 

I won't lie, I cried the whole way home from my ultrasound. I thought for sure it would be a boy. Oh how my heart aches to have another boy running around this house. To have a child that longs to watch Lightning McQueen and Toy Story. Sure the girls like those movies, but not like Miles did.

But I trust in God's plan for me and for my family. I truly believe that this sweet girl is meant to be in our family and will play an important part in our family. I love the thought of her and Miles bonding in Heaven right now. Him teaching her all the things she needs to know and telling her wonderful stories about our family. We can't wait to meet her. Now the question is what color eyes and hair will she have? We seem to have the craziest mix in our family. I'm totally expecting a platinum blonde girl. I guess only time will tell. The end of October seems so far away still.

#4 Here we come

So our little secret around here is literally popping out. I can longer hide it. I suppose that's what happens when you are expecting #4. We are so excited. The girls are over the moon about it. We just told them last week and Vivian is now telling EVERYONE!

I'm 10 weeks today, but my tummy is for sure showing the world that we are pregnant. We are due October 27, 2015. I've been more sick this time than almost any other. In fact I was a little worried about twins because I have been so sick, but we checked at the doctor's office last week...nope just one sweet tiny one in there. So hopefully just another month of survival mode and then I'll be back at it again. For now I'm feeling pretty good if I get the girls feed and dressed each day. Doing a load of laundry is bonus points right now. But it's all worth it!!! The Kelly's are adding on!

What a Week

Well it's been a week or so at our house. Last Monday Vivian felt sick to her tummy. She complained all day about it hurting, then finally around dinner she was fevered. We took it easy and drank lots of sprite. She seemed better until the next day around dinner again and found herself sick again with other complications. Oh boy, there were a lot of tears, snuggles and medications given. She was sweet and even asked her dad for a blessing.

Then Wednesday hit and I had a church activity that I was in charge of. I felt fine most of the day, but as the evening came I was freezing cold, couldn't eat a thing, and still had to set up and conduct our event. I came home exhausted. Yep, thank you Vivian she gave me her sickness.

So again lots of laying around and chicken noodle soup at our house. Then Friday night Mark took me out for my birthday (just a little early celebration). I thought I was feeling better until they brought my food out...nope couldn't eat it. So I drank lemonades all night long. Then later that night poor Mark got hit with a touch and go tummy. Mark never gets sick, so I thought he was in the clear. But nope, no such luck this time.

So Saturday and Sunday we literally just laid around our house most the day. Then Sunday evening Clara was getting a fever. Oh boy. May as well I suppose. So the poor girl has not been sleeping the past few nights. Mark and I have been sleeping on the floor next to her crib each night. Not ideal.

So needless to say it's been  fun at our house lately. But we are hoping to be done and over it all soon! Mark and I are exhausted by it all!

Messages for Miles

When Vivian was writing out her Valentines cards she asked me excitedly if she could take one to Miles.

Of course I said YES!

It was a great idea, and I loved that she was thinking of him and including him in her life!

So on Valentine's Day we drove out to see our big brother.

The girls were both so excited.

We took him some special things and spent a little time telling him how much we loved him and how much we miss him.

It was such a nice day there I could have stayed the whole day.

When we went out there we got this amazing box.

My sweet cousin, who sadly knows child lose herself, and was visiting from Washington was beyond thoughtful and kind and wanted to make it a special day for us.

Without even telling her, she clued in days earlier when I met up with her how hard I was struggling this holiday.

Sadly I didn't even clue in much to my own depression about the holiday.

This was the year I should have helped Miles make a special box to collect all his sweet messages of love from those who are part of his life.

I always LOVED making a Valentines Box, and apparently so did my cousin.

So she made sure that Miles had one and that it was full of sweet notes of love from loved ones.

Inside we found sweet notes from most of my family. Sadly she wasn't able to contact Mark's family. She seriously did this all in a day...amazing!

She also put stickers in for Vivian and Clara to decorate his box.

She included big hearts for us all to write down special memories with Miles and notes of love to him when we are having a hard day.

She also wrote a really sweet and heartfelt note to Miles and asked him to take care of and give her baby that she will raise in the next life a big hug.

Honestly, my heart was so full of love, gratitude and true humility at this kind act of so many family members.

As I read each note to Mark on the drive home my tears turned into streams down my cheeks that would not stop.

I honestly couldn't hardly breathe I was so full of emotion.

To have so many family members remember our son and love him as we do meant the world to us.

I hate the thought of him being forgotten and left behind only in mine and Mark's minds and hearts.

So for those of you who wrote a message THANK YOU!

For those of you who are still sending them THANK YOU!!

And if any of you still want to write one THANK YOU!!!

We will make sure each one is included in this special and now sacred box.

My cousin included in one of her cards this quote:

"He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, 

but rejoices for those which he has." -Epictetus

I'm going to work on living this quote more each day!

I know there will be days and moments that it will be hard, but honestly I am beyond grateful that I did have and that I DO have Miles. He is mine and mine forever! I just have to exercise patience until I hold him again.

Sister Kitties

Lately Vivian and Clara like to pretend they are kitties.

They love it....sometimes after hours of being clawed and meowed at I don't especially love it.

But it's their thing right now.

And it keeps them entertained, so kitties it is. 

On this day last week one kitty rode the other.

They were cracking me up!

I seriously didn't even tell Clara to put her arm in the arm.

She's just naturally brave like that. 

They did this for almost an hour.

It was so fun to watch them having so much fun together.

I'm so glad I grabbed my camera and captured these moments!

Now for some reason this week they are fighting like cats and dogs. 

Not really sure what happened, but it's proving to be a long week of learning to share and speak nicely to one another. Oh the life.

We are back.

The holidays came and have gone. Honestly I have to say thank goodness and goodbye!! The holidays this year were really hard!!! They always are, but some reason they were harder than last year it seems. Or maybe I'm just not remembering how hard they were because they are in the distant past. But this year I was an emotional, stressed out and depressed lady. It was hard!!!

Although they were hard, they were fun too. It's a weird situation. They were fun and happy with the girls. Vivian is at the same age Miles was for his last Christmas season and it's a magical age. Yet I found myself not really telling her much about Santa. She was probably a little perplexed by the whole concept because I really didn't speak much about with her. Yet she was aware of enough to know to ask for a bow and arrow...random I know.

I feel as though it's such a blessing to have children still in our home to distract us, urge us and almost force us to celebrate the holidays still. Honestly if I didn't have children around I would bag the whole season and be just fine. But yet it's still very difficult. I'm expected to put up a tree, wrap presents and the such all while having a large part of my heart just aching for another child to wrap presents for. In fact this is the first year we have put up a tree since Miles passed, and I waited until days before Christmas to even put it up. (In fairness I do put a little one in the girls room, just so they have some of the magic of the season.) Mark and I even considered not doing it again this year but we concluded we needed to for the girls, which they loved it!

It's just an exhausting time of year for me. It's hard for me to be so happy and fake so much happiness when I'm broken and aching for my whole family to be together for the holidays. Yet I hide it all from the world around me.

Along with that I seem to get sick each season. I'm just getting over, I hope, some illness I've been fighting on and off since Christmas. When Miles' first passed so many doctors, counselors and more warned Mark and I of how sick we would be over the next year or so. But I was pregnant and I think God protected me. Protected us. However, it seems that warning has now caught up to me and taken hold. Again, it's exhausting.

I don't mean to rant and be such a bummer. I only explain a little of this as to explain my absence for the past bit. But the holidays are done and we are back into the daily grind. Still recovering some from illnesses around the house, and Clara is working on her last molar....finally! She is one of our most adventurous, outgoing and tough children, yet teething has been so miserable with her. Sigh...but we are almost done. So here we are a new year, new adventures, new milestones ahead (some I'm really not looking forward to, like Vivian being older than Miles was in this mortal world) and new memories to make. So let's see what 2015 brings!