Why I Blog

Why do I blog? This is a question I have come back to hundreds of times over the past two years. I use to blog because we lived away from family, and it was a way for our family to stay connected and see what we as a family were up to. Really for Grandma's and Grandpa's to see their grandkids grow and see all the fun memories we were creating as a family. It was fun, it was simple, and only a few readers (family).

But then in October of 2012 my life, our life as a family, changed forever. Changed in a way I never even gave a thought to. I never gave more than a second's thought to losing one of my children. To burying one of my children before me. Honestly, I had heard stories and my heart ached for those going through such a thing, but that would never happen to me.

Yet on October 15, 2012 my life changed forever. My heart, mind and body couldn't make sense of anything. I was in a fog thicker than any fog I have ever experience. I found myself so alone in this expansive and overwhelming world. How could that even be? I had so many family members, friends and neighbors praying for me and my little family, yet I felt as though I was picked up and left on an island that I had no clue how to navigate....nor did I want to. Yet there I was having to figure it all out and without any warning. It was brutal....who am I kidding it still is! And I'm still trying to navigate it all!

I found myself a couple nights before Thanksgiving, a time of love, a time for family and a time for gratitude. I couldn't sleep a wink that night. I had so much on my mind. I had to get it out because as hard as I prayed for sleep and peace I felt a nudging to write my feelings out. To let those around me, those praying for me know what I felt in that very moment, at that time of thanksgiving. This is what I posted that night click here.

From there I kept feeling a nudging, something in me whispering to grab the computer and type away my feelings, thought and expereiences. My hands have never moved so quickly over the keyboard. At times my fingers were doing all they could do to keep up with my thoughts and my heart. I had no idea who was reading, was anyone reading at all? (At times I still wonder those same questions.) But it didn't matter I was being lead by the spirit and I couldn't ignore it. Believe me I have tried a few times.

I have wondered and thought so many times why I continue to blog. It's interesting actually to put so much of your heart, your true raw heart and feelings out there for the world to criticize. In fact each time I hit publish I hold my breathe and my heart says a little prayer that readers will be kind to me and my family. It's scary to share such personal things. Yet I continue to feel the urge to write. Why? I'm not sure. I'm not even a good writer. Yet here I am twice a week sharing.

But sharing has been a good thing for me in many ways. It's helped me release so many of the feelings, thoughts and crazy emotions that I can't make sense of. I suppose in a way it helps me sort them out and put them into words so that maybe I can understand myself. I'm thinking of re-reading all my writing from that night in November just to see where I have come in the last two years. Oh what a journey it has been. But the timing has to be right for me in order to do that. It's an emotional journey for sure and one I need to be strong enough for.

I'm not sure I will ever know the why for my continued blogging. But there are a few things I do know. My world has been opened up to so many through my blog. Many people have contacted me, become good friends and a wonderful support system for me personally. Even just your kind comments alone lift me up! For that I will always be grateful! I see life differently now. How could I not? I don't ever want people to think that I am not enjoying life, that my blog is sad and depressing (sometimes I think it is...sorry). My life is happy but it's happy in a broken way and unfortunately it always will be to a certain extent. That I can't fix. But I try to live in each moment and I want other's to as well. I want you to enjoy where you are right now, because one day you may look back and regret that you didn't love your life at this moment in time. And believe me you can't ever go back. Lastly I want people to believe in good, to believe in God. I don't care if it's the God I believe in or another, just believe in a higher being of some sort. I have so much love for God and I'm not afraid to share it. He has been so close to me and my family in the last two years as we have sought him out. I think too many of us are afraid of that now days and that's why our world is shifting. There is still good in this world and if more us believe in good and share good we truly can and will make a change! I just know it!

So I plan to continue blogging. I need to document more of my sweet girls lives on my blog again too. They are growing faster than my mind can grasp and I don't want to lose these moments either. So I plan to continue to write about our lives, how we are growing as a family and all the things we experience as we make new memories and remember Miles. Grief will still be with me. Grief is my constant companion. One I don't love, but I need to understand because it's never leaving my side. So I will write about it all here.

Family Pictures 2014

Our dear family friend, and almost family, Alex Hawker took our family photos this year.

We ran into her at a store in town one day and she said she wanted to do something special with our family if we were okay with it. (I will tell you what in just a second.)

I told her we wanted family photos anyway so let's just do it all at the same time.

The day couldn't have been more perfect. 

(Well expect for if Clara felt better, that would have helped.)

We woke up super early in the morning and drove out to Terreton, ID, an hour and half away from where we currently live.

It was overcast, no wind and pretty warm for this time of year.

Out in Terreton it gets really windy. 

Like REALLY windy. So honestly we couldn't have asked for a better day!

We are thrilled with the way our pictures turned out!

The colors are amazing.

Since it's a farm town, we embraced its beauty.

(When I was a little girl we lived out there. I have wonderful memories of the town.)

These are even my uncle's straw stacks. 

Cool backdrop huh!

It's fun to have some family ties in all these photos!

Clara wasn't feeling too well that week.

So we are happy with what we got of her.

She really didn't want anything to do with photos.

She just wanted wrapped in the blanket her Grandma Kelly made her.

It's one of our favorite blankets!

If you notice Miles' beloved Monkey, yes he named him Monkey, is in almost all our photos. 

He always will be from here on out.

Alex captured this sweet moment with Vivian and Monkey.

I love it!

I just love this girl.

She has helped us through so much, she may never even know it.

And this sweet blessing came to us during the hardest time in our lives.

It's rare to capture her so still.

But she's as sweet as they come.

This photo is taken at a Pellet Mill my grandpa and his brother built decades ago.

The contradiction of happy and sad in this photo just grabs at my heart.

More at the Mill.

We will be going back there again someday for more family photos. It's amazing!

Okay, now the proposed project of Alex's.

She said she loved the photos of our family at Miles' grave on his birthday, but was sad our whole family wasn't in them. 

She asked if she could take our family's pictures at his sacred transformation place. 

Mark and I were so humbled and touched by this thought.

Thus, out to Terreton for family pictures it was, because that is where our son rests for now.

We took out some of Miles' favorite toys and played around his headstone, while telling the girls stories about their big brother who now watches over them from above.

The girls never tire of Miles stories, and neither do we!

The girls also LOVE to play with his things!

Mark and I love seeing them and holding them again whenever we get them out.

Thank you Alex! You are so thoughtful! I'm not sure I would have ever thought of doing this by myself. We will always cherish these photos. We must do it again!

If you want to check Alex out you can find her here at

Alex Hawker Photography

(just click for the link)

She's based out of Blackfoot, ID is very reasonability priced. She

 does a great job and is as sweet as can be!

Love that girl!

I can't wait to get these up on my walls!!

Jumping & Front Flips

For Miles' birthday we took the girls to an indoor jump house.

Miles LOVED those places!!!

Needless to say Clara was totally in her element.

Vivian was too.

The girls were coming up with new tricks of sliding and climbing up crazy things.

We totally took advantage of the foam pits.

Hello sweetness!

Dang I wish we had one at our house!

The girls jumped into like crazy girls.

Plus we would toss them in the pit at crazy high altitudes, while being safe of course.

Then the front flips began.

Mark started us all off.

It soon became a family affair.

That is once we wrangled Clara from the restricted area.

Cones don't deter this girl. No way.

Everyone was pulling the flips out.

This shot makes mine like dinky, bad angle. I assure you I had some good air.

I blame the camera man.

Then it was to the kid zone for the little ones to pull out the flips.

Vivian got really good at them!

And of course Clara had to be in on it as well.

Did I mention the girl is doing back flips off my sofa now?

With my assistance of course.

But come on girl, you are only 14 months. Simmer down just a little.

I love this photo of the girls. 

They really are the best of friends. 

Just like Miles and Vivian were/are.

We had such a good time and spent a solid two hours here just jumping, flipping and forgetting about the hard things in life. I'm pretty sure Miles was there laughing along side of us, giving us pats on the back for each new trick performed. It was a good afternoon!

Rainstorms & 10 Years

Since moving here to Pocatello we have had three flash flood warnings.

Two of which have been the last two days.

This is crazy people.

Well if you know us at all, we can't let a good rainstorm go to waste.

Miles would be so disappointed if we did.

So I grabbed the girls jackets and boots and we went out.

After all the torrential down pour was over of course. Safety first.

We went knocking on all the neighborhood kids doors that we knew

 to see if they wanted to join in on the fun.

This is in the grass on the side of our house.

Seriously....look at how deep that is.

Clara was enamored by how much water was gushing out of the downspout.

This was the parking lot just behind our house.

It was more like a swimming pool. Seriously.

Clara kept sitting in it like it was a wading pool.

She was soaked from head to toe.

Literally, her poor feet were purple at the end.

The girls had a blast.

We all had a blast. 

I wouldn't lie if I said I didn't get in and have some fun myself.

There's nothing like a good rainstorm and the way it makes you feel inside.

It's been a good couple days.

On another note: 

Today Mark and I are celebrating 10 years of marriage.

I can't believe it's been 10 years. 

Where has time gone?

We have been through some amazing ups and some seriously low lows.

Sometimes I feel like we have gone through more than some will ever go through in their lifetime.

Yet in 10 short years we have experienced so much.

Unfortunately I know we don't get a hall pass from future trials and pain.

Even though I think we deserve one now!!!

But I do know that if we have made it this long and this strong we are bound to make it through whatever life brings our way.

We are blessed with three amazing, beautiful children with only more to come (not yet people, not yet).

We have so much love and happiness around us.

We are lucky to have each other!!!

Here's to eternity.

Kicking off July

What a weekend last weekend was.

We jumped....

....lots!

We celebrated this sweet girl's first year of life.

We also celebrated our Nana's birthday.

We ate birthday cake.

We had lots of family time. 

Did a few sparklers.

I think we will always have to do fireworks for Clara's birthday!!!

Hello new tradition!

We did more sparklers.

Okay we did LOTS of sparklers.

We enjoyed Papa and Nana's big yard and abundance of sprinklers and grass.

And we ended it all with gratitude and thankful hearts for all of our family and our freedoms!

The only thing that would have made it better would to have all of our children with us.

But in many small and wonderful ways....they were.

We have so much to be grateful for!!!

Pumpkin Picking

We went to a pumpkin patch this year with some dear friends to find the perfect pumpkins.

The patch had rows and rows of pumpkins to chose from.

Vivian was finding pumpkins everywhere!

This place we so cute and so fun!

They had these tiny wheelbarrows for the little ones.

Vivian was not letting go of this little pumpkin she found.

At one point we traded wheelbarrows for one that wasn't broken.

It was much easier to handle.

Although it soon became my task to hunch over and haul our finds around.

Not to mention a cute little red head from time to time.

I didn't mind!

I'm convinced when we have a yard we will need one of these!

We came home with some great pumpkins.

I don't know who is wrapped tighter around each other's finger between these two.

Vivian truly loves Becky!

It's magical!

(Mark's hat was given to us by the friends we went with. It's awesome because on the back they had Miles' name embroidered on it!!! So thoughtful and perfect!)

We enjoyed a hay ride and enjoyed exploring in the kids corn maze.

We may or may not have come home with a couple ears of corn from the maze.

We took our pumpkins home for some painting and carving.

These two really went to town on the paint. 

 Vivian was in heaven.

It took a good couple days for all that paint to dry on that pumpkin!

Great job Vivi!  

It was a beautiful family night!

We will for sure be going there again next year!

Thanks Zamora Family for a great evening!

Day of Surprises

Today marks four months that we have lived (or better said, survived and tried to live)
without Miles with us in this mortal life.

We have been anticipating this day for awhile now.
For many reasons.
But one big reason was to go the doctor to have an ultrasound to check on the baby's health.
I have been a nervous reck about the health of this sweet baby.
Just because of all the stress and anxiety my body has been under the past four months.

Mark and I always go to the temple on the 15th of each month.
It's a great thing to do on a hard day.
We knew that today would be busy so we had to start the morning early.
We left the house at 6:15 AM for the 7:00 AM session.

I think I got a total of 2 hours sleep last night.
I've just been so nervous about this day actually being here.
With such little sleep I was worried that I would fall asleep during the session.
Nope wide awake today!
That is until I blacked out at the alter as the witness couple.
Interesting start to the day.

But we made it through the rest of the session, and it was wonderful.
I love going to the temple!!!!

Then it was off to the doctor's office.
But first our car needed gas and we need to do a quick clothing change.
Mark thought we should just change in the car....
Really?
Fine I thought, but not fun when you are pregnant.
But I suppose I could manage it.
So we pulled somewhere private.....we thought.

Then it was time for the employees of Costco to their day of work.
Needless to say I think some sweet lady got a good laugh from us as she was started her morning and walked right past my window.
I can only imagine the things she thought we going on in our car.

Okay, finally we are at the doctor's office.
My heart was pounding the entire time we were waiting.
Finally, it was our turn.

Things with the baby look great.
Phew!!!
The baby is measuring right on for July, the heart looks great, the brain, the spine, all the organs.
Great news.
No best news of the day.
Then on to see what this miracle baby's gender is...........
............
Yep......we still don't know.
The baby was is such a tight ball and would not cooperate.
Maybe this baby is just modest.
Or maybe the Lord is giving me more time to really soak this miracle in.
I guess we will try again in another month.

I wonder what other fun things this day will bring.

But the best news is that everyone is healthy.

farm country

we were lucky to spend an afternoon at the 

Thanksgiving Point Farm Country with some great friends

the kids loved it!

 meet Clancy

Miles loved Clancy

they were pals

 meet a scared Vivi

she didn't even sit on the cute pony long enough to get it's name

 but Vivi sure enjoyed feeding the little goats

and they in returned liked her (or the scraps of grain she found on the ground)

we had a blast and

we will for sure be back!