Christmas 2013

Here's how our Christmas went this year....

The weekend before we went to Idaho to visit Miles.

Oh how we miss that boy.

It never does get easier going there for me, especially when it's so cold.

We had a wonderful Christmas Eve dinner at my aunt's house.

Vivian played Mary in cousins nativity act.

(She will tell you that she got married though.)

Clara played baby Jesus. 

Vivian loved holding her and Clara slept through the whole thing!

Christmas morning we woke up to cupcakes and marshmallows!!

(click here to read why)

Vivian was so excited she didn't even see anything else!

We will ALWAYS wake up to cupcakes on Christmas morning now!

Oh and popcorn on the tree too, that will always be on our tree from here on out 

to have a part of Miles with us each Christmas.

The girls got these special monkeys that we call Miles Monkeys.

A sweet lady I live by made these for me out of Miles' old baby clothes.

They are so cute and precious!

Thank you so much Vicki, we will always cherish these!!!

(She made me two extras for future children too!)

The pattern called for a cape, as they are superhero monkeys, but Miles' bibs fit perfectly.

Brave bow and arrow....maybe Vivi's favorite present.

Along with her very own backpack.

That's right...she can now haul around her own things. 

Yeah for mom on that one!

Clara just loved all the excitement, noise and....

the wrapping paper. 

That may have been the most exciting thing for Clara.

All in all it was a good/hard/happy and tough Christmas season.

I miss Miles more than ever and the holidays are really hard!

But it was nice having Vivian understand more this year and bring some magic back to our house again.

Poor girl though....I took all of Christmas down on Christmas night.

Mark asked me why and I broke down crying and told him I made it through Christmas and I was done holding in all the emotions from the season, so I quickly tucked it all away...just as I do with my feelings too often.

Nonetheless it really was a good Christmas and 

the true reason for the season was truly celebrated in our home!

We are so grateful for our Savior Jesus Christ, for his birth, his life and his atonement.

It's because of him we will be with and celebrate with Miles again as a family.

Christmas Wishes 2011 & 2013

I'm so upset I didn't document Christmas 2011 on my blog...how did that even happen?

So you may not know that Miles' last Christmas all he wanted for Christmas was a cupcake.

Just one.

How adorable right!!!

So we made sure he had a dozen cupcakes for Christmas.

All the other things he received were just a bonus.

He honestly would have been just happy to have a cupcake.

Easy! Love that boy.

A couple weeks ago we took Vivian to see Santa.

She of course put in her Christmas wishes.

No it's not a cupcake....but's it's almost as good.

Ready....Vivian wants "Smashmellows" (aka Marshmallows) for Christmas.

Seriously, this cracks me up.

I really do have the best children.

I know one day it will be big electronics and such.

But for now, I'm so happy to have Christmas lists comprising of cupcakes and marshmallows!

I think we can accommodate.

Clara came to see Santa too, but she was just trying to stay warm in these freezing cold temperatures.

I think milk and cereal is all she really cares for on her list right now.

Again...easy!

Random: "ScaryBacca" (aka Chewbacca) was also there.

Vivian loved him and won't stop talking about him.

He was huge! He's sitting down right here!

Seriously the guy was like 12' tall.

I can't believe how much she liked him.

Family Video

Here it is...our family video from our photo shoot with the
amazing Lisa of Lisa Hansen Photography.

In the video you will see Miles' blue shoes, his favorite bear Mr. Hugs, his sock money named Monkey and popcorn, which Miles LOVED, and favorite books of the children.
There are also 4 green balloons and one white one representing how old Miles is.
Each year we will add one more white balloon.

We LOVE it so much. You captured more than words can even say.

Thanks Lisa, it's a true treasure!!!

Sneak Peek

We had our family pictures taken the by lovely and talented Lisa Hansen of Lisa Hansen Photography.

I went to design school with her.

She is not only beautiful inside and out but has a great eye and sweet as can be!

Here's a sneak peek of our family photos.

Click here to view the teasers on Facebook.

Check out Lisa's work here.

Can't wait to see the rest of them this weekend in her session premiere where she brings us dessert we chose from her menu and we watch our video of all the fun pictures and moments captured.

We chose Carmel Cheesecake....yum!!!

It's going to be so fun!

Crying Over Waffles

Miles' birthday breakfast...

 waffle with butter (no syrup), warm chocolate milk with a red straw and vitamins...

his morning usual.

Tonight is such a hard night. We were deciding what to have for dinner. Trying to be creative with an empty fridge. What's better than breakfast for dinner? We always have pancake mix on hand around our house. So we decided to have waffles and bacon. As I'm cooking dinner I played this beautiful CD by Paul Cardall, and my mind was racing of thoughts of Miles. He LOVED waffles! He would ask for one every single morning. Mostly he loved the butter in each square, I was on to him. He would eat all the butter out of each square and then eat the waffle. Making him a waffle and warm chocolate milk was our morning routine for so long. I miss it so much!

Tonight as I was making waffles for dinner I remembered making breakfast for the family just over a year ago, the night before we left for our family reunion. That night I found myself in the same position as tonight, trying to figure what to eat for dinner with an empty fridge. It had to be something everyone would eat. Breakfast!! Miles was so excited when I told him we were going to eat breakfast for dinner! It was like a dream come true for him. What a treat to have breakfast (with lots of butter of course) for dinner! I distinctly remember sitting around the table as a family talking about how much fun we were going to have as a family at our upcoming family reunion that weekend. We talked about all the cousins we would be seeing. As we named each one Miles got more and more excited. His face was so full of joy and excitement, which in turn made me so excited. It was going to be a great weekend as family.

I haven't made breakfast for dinner since that night over a year ago. I didn't really think about that when we decided on it tonight, but as I was cooking dinner I just couldn't keep my heart from breaking into pieces. Durning the dinner prayer the tears finally broke through and I excused myself for some alone time. I grabbed the car keys and headed out the door to the car. I didn't go anywhere, I just sat there and broke down. I cry a lot in the car. It's a sort of safe haven I suppose. A place I can let my guard down and just fall apart, yet I feel protected and secluded within it. Poor Vivian was so worried about me leaving, but I had to breakdown without her seeing. I needed to fall apart alone.

After I pulled myself somewhat together we had family home evening and then started working on some projects in the kid's room. We were making some much needed changes in the children's room. It was too much for me. We bought Vivian a big girl bed months ago. I cried when we did that. I felt guilty and cheated that Miles didn't get one. Due to the bigger bed we needed to move some pictures up higher so she didn't hit her head on them. Mark wanted to move them somewhere else completely for safety reasons, which I understand, but I just couldn't do it. It was just too much change for me tonight. Miles loved falling asleep as he looked at those pictures. I watched him do it many times as I rocked Vivian to sleep as a baby and I would just watch him fall asleep. Vivian also likes to look at those pictures on the wall next to her bed. After breaking down again Mark was kind and let me keep them in the same place, just higher up.

I know these things seem silly, but you don't realize how hard things are sometimes. It's the little things like cooking or moving pictures that are the hard things. You are so emotionally vested in these things. All your heart and soul goes into these things as you do them for your children. These are the small and simple moments that are so hard to do on a daily basis. Ones that were just too much for my aching heart tonight.

Swim Lessons

Today has been a hard day that we have told ourselves "We Can Do Hard Things!"
Vivian started swim lessons.
We have felt strongly that we want to empower our children and help them become good swimmer.
But beyond being good swimmers we want them to know water safety first and foremost.
How to act around water and respect water.
That water is fun but also very dangerous.
So I asked around, did some research and contacted a few instructors and asked them their teaching techniques for swim lessons.
Through a relative we were able to find someone who fits just what we are looking for to teach our children water safety and swimming.

Today was our first lesson.
I thought I could take the girls myself and be fine.
I'm so thankful for a husband who is in touch to the spirit and acts upon his promptings.
Mark called into work today and asked if he could come in late so that he could attend the first lesson with us.
I'm beyond grateful that he did!
Having him there was not only good for me and Vivian but him as well.
At first Vivian was apprehensive about getting in, so I jumped in with my jeans and wadded around with her.
The instructor felt bad, but I told her my jeans would dry, Vivian was more important than wet pants.
Soon Vivian felt more and more comfortable and was walking around exploring the wading pool with the instructor.

I was fine for the first 10 minutes and Vivian was doing great.
But then I found myself suddenly overcome with so many feelings, thoughts and emotions.
I couldn't hold back the tears any longer.
My eyes were filled with water and they soon were streaming down my cheeks.
I'm so grateful Mark was right there to give me a giant hug.
We stood there on the side of the pool embraced yet smiling as we watched our sweet little red head having so much fun in the water.
There were so many memories, thought and emotions rushing through my mind and body at once.
I was proud of all four of us for having the courage to be there at that moment.
To empower ourselves amidst hard trials and become stronger.
For doing Hard Things.
It was a very bittersweet moment

We will be attending swim lessons each week from here on out.
Next week I will be packing my swimsuit for sure!
Here is to doing Hard Things!!

Pumpkin Picking

We went to a pumpkin patch this year with some dear friends to find the perfect pumpkins.

The patch had rows and rows of pumpkins to chose from.

Vivian was finding pumpkins everywhere!

This place we so cute and so fun!

They had these tiny wheelbarrows for the little ones.

Vivian was not letting go of this little pumpkin she found.

At one point we traded wheelbarrows for one that wasn't broken.

It was much easier to handle.

Although it soon became my task to hunch over and haul our finds around.

Not to mention a cute little red head from time to time.

I didn't mind!

I'm convinced when we have a yard we will need one of these!

We came home with some great pumpkins.

I don't know who is wrapped tighter around each other's finger between these two.

Vivian truly loves Becky!

It's magical!

(Mark's hat was given to us by the friends we went with. It's awesome because on the back they had Miles' name embroidered on it!!! So thoughtful and perfect!)

We enjoyed a hay ride and enjoyed exploring in the kids corn maze.

We may or may not have come home with a couple ears of corn from the maze.

We took our pumpkins home for some painting and carving.

These two really went to town on the paint. 

 Vivian was in heaven.

It took a good couple days for all that paint to dry on that pumpkin!

Great job Vivi!  

It was a beautiful family night!

We will for sure be going there again next year!

Thanks Zamora Family for a great evening!

Fall Hiking

So as I said earlier, we are working on finding who we are again collectively.

With that being said I'm going to start posting more of what we are doing as family again.

I hope you join me on this journey.

We took my little brother Kurtis hiking with us one Sunday afternoon.

Unfortunately Mark wasn't able to come.

It was too bad because it was a beautiful night to get out.

We went on a new hike and enjoyed every minute of it! 

My children come alive while hiking.

Vivian never stops talking.

She's busier than ever when we hike.

It's so funny.

Miles was the same way.

What is it about nature that brings makes them so alive?

I love this little girls personality.

This picture captures it so well!

Clara slept most of the hike.

She really is such a good baby.

The colors were beautiful!

The air was nice and crisp, but not too cold. 

Perfect hiking weather.

This was the view of the northern part of the Great Salt Lake from our hike.

It was really was a beautiful night.

We enjoyed the sunset from this vantage point.

Hiking down we were a little rushed as the sun was setting and we were on a new trail and didn't know how long it would be.

But we made it down just in time.

At the end we took advantage of a great little park at the trail head.

Vivian had the whole park to herself.

Bonus to the night were the two deer we saw come down to the trail head.

Seriously we love living in Salt Lake City.

The outdoors are literally our backyard!

So glad we are able to enjoy it as a family!

Halloween 2013

 Here's the low down on Halloween this year.

We had a sleeping giraffe.

(Holding another giraffe I might add.) 

A "beautiful witch" according to Vivian.

Please note that she was not a scary witch!

One very tired and heartbroken momma.

You can really see it in my face can't you!

I didn't realize it was so evident.

I truly have aged more than one year since last year!

(Note Miles' Halloween decals still up on the window in the background. 

Yep they are still up!)

Halloween this year was so bittersweet.

I found myself crying a lot that day.

I specifically remember last year and feeling so numb and physically weak as we took

 Vivian trick or treating.

Yet we went out to just a few homes for her last year.

This year the true reality of Miles not being here with us really settled in.

It was hard and it hurt.

Yet we got out and had fun as a family, because that's what he would want us to do.

We never got around to carving our pumpkin this year.

I heard of a neighbor who desperately needed one on Halloween day.

So I put the girls in the jogger and we literally ran one over and 

put it on their steps for them to come home to.

We later found out it made their sweet daughter's hard day better.

(So glad I listened to the spirit that day and we were able to bring sunshine to another!)

Besides that pumpkin was perfect for carving and really needed to be carved!!

Then that night our sweet Sister in law, nieces and nephew brought over this amazing pumpkin pictured. It has a heart and Miles carved out of it with the sweetest note written on the back.

It was perfect!

So we gave away a great pumpkin needing carved and in return got an even better one already carved.

Talk about full circle!!! 

Thank you Kelly Family, we LOVE you!

Plus to make it even better we got the best news EVER that evening! 

I can't wait to share the details soon!!!

Let's just say that Miles is helping and touching the lives of many still, 

and will continue to for a long time!

Thank you everyone for your kindness on such a hard day!!!

Birthday Recap

Last Friday we celebrated Miles' 5th birthday.

Mark took the day off and we spent it as a family.

We went to the BYU Bookstore and got everyone a BYU shirt.

For some reason Miles loved BYU, even though we never taught him about it to begin with.

His love of BYU truly was self discovery on his part.

He would tell me everyday, at least 20 times minimum, that he was going to go to BYU.

Each year on his birthday he always wanted a BYU article from Aunt Amy.

Which she never disappointed.

So one of our new traditions for his birthday is for everyone to get something BYU.

Afterwards we meet up with friends and family at the same park we celebrated his birthday at last year.

It was a wonderful turn out.

I'm sure Miles was smiling down on each one of us. 

We did our annual birthday balloon launch. 

We all took a minute in silence as we thought about Miles, his life and our love for him.

We asked each person to send a heartfelt message of love to Miles with each balloon.

I couldn't hold back the tears. 

My messages of love seemed too many and too heavy to float away with that one balloon. 

Oh how I wanted to float away with my balloon and personally deliver my messages.

It was a beautiful sight seeing all the messages of love being sent up to the heavens.

I hope Miles got each one and felt all of our love with each of them.

I'm sure he did.

I couldn't hold back the tears at that point.

Why and how was I celebrating my son's birthday without him?

How was this really happening? 

Vivian loved sending the balloons to Miles.

She sent another balloon up herself later, and said 

"Happy Birthday Miles" as it floated up, "I Love You!" 

She is so sweet.

I really wish I knew what she thinks and understands about this whole thing.

The most important thing is she knows her brother loves her and she loves him.

She also knows that Miles lives with Jesus and Papa and Nana Great.

She finds comfort in that....I think.

I know I do. 

All in all it was truly a bittersweet day.

It was so full of love and support.

We are grateful for each person who came out to show not only their love for Miles but also us.

Happy 5th Birthday Miles.

We Can Do Hard Things

Mark bought me this necklace for Christmas. It was the only thing I really wanted last year. I LOVE it! This statement "We {I} Can Do Hard Things" seems to be our family motto anymore. It's what we live by. It strengthens us, encourages and drives us each and every day.

When Miles was in the hospital and the doctors were doing all that they could we knew things were not  looking good for Miles. But we still had hope. We had a long, deep and very honest talk with one of favorite doctors, Dr. Glissmeyer. He was holding out hope himself but he was honest, precise and very loving about Miles' state and future. As we all talked about the next steps we would take to try to stop the continuous and never ending brain seizures that Miles was experiencing we came up with a plan. We would continue fighting through the night and into the morning. If things didn't start improving we were then approaching a very delicate balance of medications that doctors have never seen anyone come back from. After 12 long hours of balancing the medications and monitoring that never ending wave of seizures Mark and I knew what was coming. We had to make the decision to take Miles of life support. A decision many face, but a decision I wouldn't wish upon anyone. As Mark and I were walking down that all too familiar hall that seemed to have wear patterns from us and all the family to Miles' room we stopped, held hands, looked one another in the eyes and with tears filling each of our eyes I said to Mark, "We Can Do Hard Things.... Right?" He paused, choked back the tears as he looked into my soul and repeated with a repeated nod and a visibly heavy heart "We Can Do Hard Things." We then hugged and continued on our walk to Miles room where we met with the doctors and let them know that we were ready to let Miles move onto his glorious mission elsewhere.

That was a defining moment in our lives. A moment that we had to put our selfishness aside and allow Miles to leave this mortal world. It was a moment burned into the very depths of my soul, a moment in which I will never forget. 

Last week we found ourselves facing another monumental mountain. It was Sunday and I could not pull myself together. I was frustrated as we were with family celebrating my brother in law who was about to leave on his mission. I spent all of sacrament meeting in the mother's lounge with Clara bawling as I feed her. I was frustrated with myself. I kept having flashbacks of the resort where Miles' accident occured. My mind was racing with wonderful and hard memories. A picture show of sorts. The smells, the feel of the fabrics, the noises and more from those days at the resort were swirling around me. I kept feeling as though Miles was telling me that I needed to go back there. As I kept fighting this feeling my heart was breaking and the tears flowing. We haven't been back to that resort since my brother in law drove us down the mountain as my eyes were glued to that helicopter carrying my son in such a fragile state. In fact we haven't driven near the area at all. It's just been too hard. So how in the world was I to tell Mark that I needed to go back?

When I told Mark the feelings I had felt that day, he was very taken back. He was completely caught off guard. I told him I would love for him to join me or I could go alone. Either way, I just needed to go. He took a little bit to soak it all in. He looked at me and said "We Can Do Hard Things...Right." I nodded to him and replied with a nervous chuckle "Yes." 

So Friday night Mark came home from work, changed his clothes and we took Vivian over to my aunts house. We didn't want her to be worried about us as we knew there would be a lot of tears shed that night. Before we drove up the mountain we said a prayer together. The drive was somber. Mark's hands were sweating on the steering wheel. Clara was getting fussy. The colors were changing up there, just as they had almost a year ago when we were up there. It's felt just like yesterday that we were driving through those yellow and reds up to that resort.

As we pulled up we looked at one another and again said "We Can Do Hard Things." We were greeted by the resort manager, as I had arranged to meet with him upon our arrival. We had a wonderful conversation with him, and then he took us up to the room we stayed in. It was just as I remembered it a year ago. It felt good to be there again. As Mark, Clara and I spent time in that room we could both feel Miles so close. He was there with us, smiling down on us. I could feel his warmth around me. We spent a lot of time in there. Then we each spent some time alone in the room, which we both took the opportunity to say a personal prayer. We then said a prayer together in the room, where Miles' bed was, before leaving.

We then met with the manager and the head of security. Mark and I had questions about Miles' accident in the pool. There have been so many things that haven't added up to us. I have recreated many different scenarios in my head for 11 months now. None of which are easy. But I know as badly as I want answers I cannot watch the surveillance video of my son slipping below water as I was less than 10 feet away. I have enough painful images of him in my memory from being pulled out of the water, CPR and the hospital. I don't need more!

After they described in detail what happened and answered our questions we all ventured down to the pool. It was a long and hard walk, with plenty of heavy sighs from all four of us. We stood where Miles laid as CPR was performed on him by Mark, a staff member and then medics. They answered more questions we had. It was a very hard moment yet very healing.

We all hugged and shed a few more tears of love and gratitude with one another. The resort manager even gifted a snuggly rabbit for Vivian as we left. They were beyond kind, loving and very professional. We truly are bonded to them for life, as sort of family in a way. The resort and the people there will always hold a sacred place in our hearts. This was the place we spent our last moments with Miles. They were wonderful moments too.

It was a very hard evening to begin with. But as the night went on, I truly felt so much love and warmth. I felt a heavy, heavy weight was lifted from my entire body. I felt Miles smiling upon us and even proud of us for facing such a hard obstacle. An obstacle that he knew we needed to face in order to help with our healing. 

As we left the resort my heart felt warm and light. An honest smile was not only on my face but in my soul, a rare thing these days. I felt good. We felt good. We both left feeling as though we now need to LIVE FOR MILES. We have always known that we need to live exceptional lives in order to be with him again as he is perfected and without any sins, one day soon to be glorified. So we want to as well. But as we are apart in this mortal world we need to LIVE For Miles, enjoy each day we are given, enjoy those around us and LOVE them with all our being, LIVE in the moments of each day and most of all LIVE in joy and happiness as we look towards the future. LIVE....LIVE For Miles as We Can Do Hard Things and through those hard things come blessing never forseen. LIVE.

Blessing Clara

Sunday Mark gave Clara the sweetest baby blessing.

It was so touching and truly special.

She looked adorable for her big day.

She wore my old blessing dress that my Aunt Mauna crocheted.

It's beautiful and in perfect condition still. 

It was so fun to see Clara in it.

I may be biased but she is seriously a beautiful baby.

(Pictures really don't do her justice.)

She even wore the same shoes I was blessed in. 

Aren't they precious?! 

She was so happy all day.

Little ones really are in tune to more than we even know.

I'm sure she was smiling at all the angels around that day.

Specifically her big brother Miles.

What a lucky girl to have such a special angel looking over her!!

We love you Clara!!!

Oh Peas

Remember this last year?

click here

Well she found my parent's garden again.

More specifically the peas!

She loves them!

I think she ate all the ripe ones {and maybe a few not quite ready} she could find.

Consider the garden officially raided.

Man I wish we had a garden!!

But she worked off the debt to Papa by helping him trim the trees.

I think she got the better deal though, as she got to ride in the wheelbarrow.

I remember doing this exact thing as a kid, in that same wheelbarrow.

I wish he would give me a ride, but I'm afraid I'm a bit too heavy to wheel around these days.

And what's a visit to Nana and Papa's without some trampoline time?

Oh the life of a child, it's magical!

Here is one of sweet Clara.

We can't leave her out.

Magical, that's what I want my children to remember their childhood as.

Every kid should.

Love these kids!