Hand Prints On My Heart

Oh how my hearts has been missing Utah lately. I miss so much our memories there, the majesty of the mountains we often hiked as a family, all our family spots there, our family, our friends and all our adventures. I miss it all so much lately. I miss being surrounded by those who know my whole family and each of their faces and sweet voices. 

This last week I found myself on a cold evening cooking dinner for my family. As I looked out the window I noticed that it had steamed up from all the heat from the stove. It was strange I found myself staring at that fogged up window looking for little handprints and fingerprints smothering my window. My mind and heart immediately went back to our old living room window, covered in dirty little hand prints of Miles'. Oh how I miss seeing those hand prints!! My mind then went back to this post about that very window. Click Here.

As I read through this old post I wrote almost two years ago (could it really be that long ago?). I realized I needed to read this again. I needed this reminder that everyone has a struggle and those struggles are real. That I am not anyone to judge or speak ill of those who are trying so hard to be better, because we all are trying to be better in our own way. It might not be the way you or I would approach a problem but they are trying the best they can to carry the load they are faced with.

I then also realized another thing when I gazed at that foggy window and and longed for those hand prints to appear again. I realized that although no one around me now knows my son or knows his sweet smile and his gentle and kind personality, that although they don't see his hand prints on my window, it doesn't matter. Because I carry him and his hand prints all over my heart and soul. He is with me each and everyday, whether I feel him or not. And because I carry him with me, others do feel him. Many have told me they do. And that is more powerful and sacred to me than any dirty window covered in they physical proof that my son lived. Each of my children has marked my heart with their tiny hands and spirits and I will carry that with me for the rest of my life. What more could a mother ask for?

Healing is a Journey

"Almost a year ago I posted about our new year in 2014 and how we were going to focus on Healing in our family. Click here to to read that post. I also posted about some Healing Boards that we had made for us and some other families we knew who has experienced child loss around the same time as us.

I recently had another angel mom ask me about Healing and what we have done over the last year to help our healing. It really had me thinking, and frankly it still does. I'm afraid in some ways we worked on healing and in other ways grief took over, shook me to the core and made me forget my focus. Not to mention life just doing the same.

But I've really been thinking about this and there are some things that have helped. Having Clara growing bigger sort of forced me to have to make more room in our tiny house in Utah. I had to clean out Miles' drawer of clothes. I suppose I didn't have to, but it was time and space was limited. It was so hard! I cried so much. I felt as though I was packing away all my memories of him, just putting them in a rubbermaid container just to be forgotten in a way. It really was hard. But I have to say there was also something freeing about doing that. Even though I rarely opened his drawer, it was as though keeping everything they way he left it for so long really held me back too.

Later in the year we moved due to a job change. Packing away more and more of Miles' things was so hard. HARD! Again I felt as though I was packing away my son and he would be forgotten in the mix. But as we moved to our new place I was sure to unpack some of the most important things of his. Little reminders of him in special areas of our home. Things that others might not see or recognize, but things that mean a lot to us and we know that he is here with us each day. I even hung up some of his clothes in the girls closets. His BYU hat, blue shoes, and his favorite stuffed animals are in my closet where I can see them each day. Once in awhile I still will sleep with one of his favorites, "giraffie". I hug it all night as though I was giving Miles a hug and snuggling him all night. It helps sometimes.

As a family we have really forced ourselves to get out. To get out of the house and go on adventures and make memories with the girls. Sometimes this is really hard and we really have to force it, plan it and stick to the plan. But each time we do we always come back feeling more bonded as a family. Sure it's hard sometimes because you think of how much Miles would have enjoyed the things we were doing, and we comment on that a lot to each other. But to see the joy and the life in the girls' eyes makes the forcing of making memories worth every second.

We continue to speak of Miles' as though he were and is here with us. Because he is often, even if we don't always feel him. Vivian talks about Miles so much I think it catches some people off guard. Sometimes I wonder if it makes people uncomfortable, and I'm sure sometimes it does. But that is us, and he is and will always be part of us, thus we speak of him.

We let the girls play with his things and even wear some of his old clothes and shoes. Vivian is always so proud and excited when she can. It's funny to watch her be so protective of his things when other kids come over. It's really sweet.

On a more serious note, Mark and I did go to some counseling this year for PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). It's been amazing how much this has affecting each of us, our family and our marriage. Counseling isn't for everyone. We have done it twice now. The first time didn't help at all. But this second round really helped to give us some tools to help us cope in our daily lives better. To recognize, understand and work through triggers that affect us each day. We didn't go for long, but it really was helpful.

Now looking back at my post a year ago I think I may have been delusional. I think it was a good idea to focus on healing, but since then I have and am realizing that healing is a life long journey. Life will always interrupt, distract and redirect our focuses. But I suppose as long as we have goals and a desire to heal that it what is important. I think I will be healing until the day that I hold my son in my arms again. The day I hold him so tight and never let go and kiss those sweet cheeks over and over again I will never fully be healed. And that's okay, because although I may be broken in many ways I am whole, better and stronger for waiting and working on becoming better. Miles' is worth the wait and the journey. Each of our loved ones are!

The Monument

This weekend I found myself attending a few firesides. Both of which had messages and words that I needed to hear and it felt at times that the speakers were talking directing to me. My soul was feed and I felt peace throughout my entire being. What blessings I experienced this weekend!

I know there are many who read my blog who are aching and I hope this poem may help even slightly with that ache. We all have trials, we all have hurt and pain. You are not human if you don't. I wanted to share one of the poems shared, as it touched me so deeply. 

God, before he sent his children into the world, gave each of them a carefully selected package of problems.
"These, He promised smiling, are yours alone.
Only you have the special talents and abilities that will make these problems your servants, and no one else may have the blessing these problems will bring you.

So, go down to your birth, and to your forgetting.

Know that I love you beyond measure.
The problems I give you are a token of my love.
The monument you make of your life, with the help of your problems, will be a token of your love for me."

Your Father

Blaine M. Yorgason

Maybe It Is Fair

The other night after a long day Mark and I sat in the kid's room with the girls busy all around us. We were talking about Miles and the girls. We talked about things we used to do as a family. We were remembering good times and laughing, crying and remembering and feeling so much joy and love. It was then that I started to breakdown....the tears began to flow. I reached out to Mark and embraced him and finally said it out loud "It's not fair." This is something I have felt, yet haven't really allowed myself to dwell on let alone say it out loud. I sat there in that moment just hugging him as I cried and said again "It's not fair...why did Miles' leave us. Why is this our life? Why did this happen? Why?" As I sat there feeling Mark's embrace he said to me "I don't know why. But I've been thinking lately it doesn't seem fair, but maybe it is. Maybe it's more than fair and we just can't see it yet or even understand. Maybe one day when we see the whole picture we will understand more and see that it was all part of the plan and in the end it was more than fair."

I was so shocked and taken back by Mark's answer. Maybe Mark is on to something. Something I haven't explored because I can't and won't let my heart explore that yet. I then made the mood light by saying "Well it better be more than fair or else...."

Then about half an hour later we began family scripture study. I read that night. We have been reading the Doctrine Covenants in the Book of Mormon, so I began reading D&C 98. It said:

1. Verily I say unto you my friends, fear not, let your hearts be comforted; yea, rejoice evermore, and in everything give thanks.
2. Waiting patiently on the Lord, for your prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord of Sabaoth, and are recorded with this seal and testament- the Lord hath sworn and decreed that they shall be granted. 
3. Therefore, he giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant that they shall be fulfilled; and all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good and to my name's glory, saith the Lord.

Mark and I looked at each other as I finished reading those verses. We exchanged a smile and a huge sigh along with a big voiced "wow" from each of us. I couldn't get these verses out of my head so I referred back to them a couple days later and studied them further. I was lead to D&C 122:7 which stated:

 And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.

After reading that I reflected on what Mark had said about maybe it's more than fair. Maybe it is, I can't really say at this point. But I do know that because of our trials in life, especially those we have faced within the last year and a half, we are different people. We live differently, we see life in a different perspective, we behave differently and most of all we love differently. We have been changed for forever. Miles passing away has truly been the hardest trial of my life. I hope it continues to be, but as I know life to be, there will be other hard trials in the future. Hopefully not as tragic though. But I have to say even though it has felt at times as the gates of Hell were close, I know they haven't been. So if God says that all things are given to me for my experience and for my good I have to take faith and hold on to the fact that this promise is true. That he will make my trials more than fair when I return to him again in honor and love. I look forward to that day with all my heart and being. Every fiber in my body is holding on that that day is near.

Refreshing

A week and a half ago I decided it was time to put away Miles' things in his drawer.

I talked to Mark about it because this wasn't just my decision, it was our decision.

Mark agreed that it was time.

I opened his drawer and carefully removed each item.

As I held each item memories flooded over me. I sweetly cherished each item as I packed them carefully away full of love.

Mark and I reflected upon lots of memories we had with each article of clothing.

I held his 1969 skinny jeans up one last time next to me, hovering barely above the floor just to remember how tall he was. I can't tell you how often I have done this.

Oh man his tiny little bum in those jeans was too stinking cute!

{Thank you Sara for gifting him those for his birthday! I will cherish them forever!!!!}

Packing up his clothes and favorite little "treasuries" as he called them,  was more emotional than I even thought. So many wonderful memories and feelings are tied to each of those items.

Once the drawer was empty my body physically couldn't seem to put Clara's things in the now stark cold empty drawer.

This was strange because I really needed the space for her things.

{Any sort of storage space around here is coveted.}

Yet, it wasn't her drawer and I couldn't put anything else in it. That drawer was too full of wonderful memories that smacked me in the face with the reality that all I had left of Miles are memories and his earthly "treasuries."

So without thinking I went and found my favorite contact paper.

I instantly was measuring and cutting out enough to line the drawer as Clara and Vivian crawled all around me and the mess that was now accumulating all over the place.

My nerves were frazzled as I was loosing my patience at times with my sweet girls as they wanted to keep getting into everything, touch everything and "help" me with this new project.

I have found when my emotions are very raw and on the surface keeping my patience at times is a challenge. 

Realizing this was now a family project, I made sure each girl got to participate in some way.

Even if it was just playing with the extra strips cut off and pretending they were magical wands.

It was amazing how simply putting cute liner in the drawer instantly brought a smile to my face.

The drawer now felt fresh, new and special in another way...literally.

I then found excitement in carefully space planning out and placing each of Clara's sweet little things into her new or refreshed drawer.

But I didn't stop there, the drawer felt so refreshing, I then lined each of the girls drawers with the pale blue and cream floral liner.

Lining the dresser drawers wasn't a project I had anticipated for the day or at all for that matter.

It took a fair amount of time out of my already busy day full of projects.

Yet, my internal instincts new exactly what needed to be done for my mental well being.

I'm so glad I didn't think twice about the project and just did it.

Packing up Miles' belongings was a very hard and emotional journey.

One that still isn't done, as we have left all his clothes in the closet still hanging up.

Putting away some of Miles' things is beautiful and hard, yet it's something that we need to do to help us on our healing journey.

Now each time I open Clara's drawers, or even Vivian's for that matter, I can't help but smile and feel refreshed from that beautiful floral drawer liner.

Through this journey of our  I have learned that it's the littlest things that are sometimes the hardest to do yet the most beautiful in their own way.

Just like each little one of Miles' "treasuries" everything he left me, physical items and most of all my memories of him, will always be the most beautiful "treasuires" to me!

Falling in Love...Again

I've been busy lately with these two adorable girls.

We have been savoring slow mornings, cuddle time, dance parties and so much more.

In the past few weeks I can honestly say that I have been falling in love with my children again.

What? Didn't I always love them?

How could you not love this sweet face?

Or this one?

Impossible right!?!

I have always loved my children, all three of them!!!

But to be honest since Miles passed away I haven't really loved much of anything.

It's as though my heart has been stone cold, locked up and buried deep with in my soul so that I don't have to deal with all the pain the last 15 months have brought.

Loving something like I did before Miles passed away wasn't something my broken heart could do anymore.

I've shut myself off from loving as much as I used to maybe so that in the future I won't hurt as deeply as I have since Miles left me. 

I truly loved that boy with all my heart and soul!

Admitting this is not easy.

I have carried around so much guilt about the matter over the past 15 months.

Because as I said earlier, I have always loved them.

I guess it's just that I haven't allowed myself to truly feel the love I have for them.

Feel the love deep within my heart and burn within.

Since we have been working on healing our family I feel myself starting to sort of let go of some of the pain I have held so deeply within for so long. 

It's not all coming out yet. I'm going to have to slowly deal with each emotion that each day brings.

But as I allow these emotions to come to the surface I am truly starting to feel love in my life again.

I looked over at these sweet faces the other day and truly smiled deep within my soul.

It was then that I knew that I was falling in love with them, just as I loved Miles.

It feels so good! Each day that I fall more and more in love with these adorable girls I feel more and more freedom from some guilt, from some pain and I truly feel hope again. 

Hope and light for the future and even the present.

God knew that I needed these girls in my life and at this exact time.

He knew I would find love again.

That I would find happiness in them and in life with them.

I truly do love these girls with all my heart and soul....just as I love their brother.

Falling in love is so magical and healing!

Our Healing Board

Because this year is our "Healing Year"

we have been coming up with different ways to encourage healing in our home.

I came up with this idea:

"Our Healing Board"

It's a sacred board for our family to write how we are feeling or messages to Miles.

I thought it was such a good idea I made some for other angel families that we know.

Here's how it works"

{This was the note attached to each board and what it says.}

“Our Healing Board”

This healing board is for your family. 2014 needs to be a year of healing for each of our families. The journey to this point has been very long, hard and emotional for all. At our home we are focusing on healing our family and ourselves in 2014. We hope you will join us.

Our gift to help you start your healing year is this healing board. It’s a place where everyone in your family can write a message to your angel, record a memory, post a favorite picture of them or even post a creation made by you for them. It’s also a place you can record how you may be feeling on any given day... be it angry, sad, lonely, happy or hopeful. It’s a sacred board so place it somewhere in your home for all in your family to see, but somewhere private for just your family’s viewing.

Freshen the board as you see fit. Maybe even capture the memories shared (before freshening it) with your camera throughout the year. You could even turn those pictures into a healing book at the end of the year and see how far you have come on your journey as a family. It’s yours to experiment with and see how it best suites your family.

We truly hope this helps start 2014 as a healing year for your family!!! You truly all deserve it, need it and your sweet angel would want it for you all too!

Much love, Mark, Andrae, Miles, Vivian and Clara Kelly

Mark had the best idea of making photo magnets of each of our angel children.

So I made these.

They turned out so cute! 

We even made this "Our Brave Board" for some friends 

whose little girl is fighting Leukemia right now.

We figured they could use some place to document brave moments at their house!

As yesterday was the 13th, and marked 15 months since Miles' accident we thought it was the perfect night to deliver the boards to each of the families.

So last night we spent family night driving all around the valley and through a couple canyons delivering Healing Boards to our new friends.

It was such a wonderful night spent together as family and talking with each angel family.

It truly was a Healing Night for us!

I can honestly say I felt Miles smiling down upon us!!

I can't wait to see the treasures "Our Healing Board" will hold throughout the years!

{I truly wish I could make one of these for everyone!! So should you like you are more than welcome to copy my idea!!!}

2014- A Year of Healing

2014 you have come so quickly. I still feel as though I'm in 2012....or just the beginning of 2013. 2012 and 2013 brought a lot of unexpected heartache, grief, pain, blessings, transformations, miracles and angels to our family. It's been a long 15 months and here you are 2014 bringing on a new year. Please be kind and gentle to us!

I'm not setting New Year Resolutions this year....I never really have believed in them much. Instead I set goals as needed throughout the year. Recently we have been doing a lot of thinking and praying about 2014. We determined that 2014 is going to be "A Year of Healing" at our house. This is our theme for the year. We are doing things around the house to help and encourage our family's healing. We are changing our mindset, our focus and our attitudes and really working on healing together.  It's going to be a lot of work, but we are determined to make this goal a reality. We NEED to heal. Of course this doesn't mean that we will ever forget Miles and all that we have learned from his accident, his passing and most of all his life. Those things are literally etched into our hearts and very fibers of our souls forever!!

We are changed forever. There are many times I have and continue to mourn for my old self and our old family. I am coming to terms that my old self is gone. I am a new person....a much better person in fact. But that doesn't mean that parts of my old self aren't still a part of me. As I am setting out to heal I am finding that within the dimensions of my soul I am still who I use to be in many ways, however, I would say that I see things, feels things and understand things in a whole new light. With this new light I see things more brightly, with more love and more passion than before. I see what really matters and what doesn't. It's just a matter of focusing on those things that matter and putting aside all the others.

Healing is not always an easy thing. I can see that this is going to be a hard journey at times. It's going to take a lot of soul searching, self forgivness and allowing myself to feel again and feel love again. I have just started to feel again. For over a year now I have wanted to feel again....feel anything really. But I'm seeing that as I'm starting to feel it really hurts. To tell you the truth I'm sort of afraid to feel again because it is so painful. For 15 months my body has just been numb to protect myself. It's funny how my body and mind have just naturally done this as a self preservation mechanism. But as time moves on my body is letting down it's guard some, and although it's nice it's also very painful.

But as painful as it may be to face life again, to feel again and to do hard things I am determined more than ever to face these challenges and help myself and my family. I'm determined to have us all heal.

I love this quote! It goes right along with my thoughts, feeling and determination on how to face this year of healing. So here is to a year of courage, humor and grace 2014!