Angel Siblings - Always Remembering

After Miles passed away I wondered if Vivian would remember him and know she had a brother. She was only 17 months old. But I didn't just want Vivian to know she she had a big brother, I wanted all our children to know him and include him in their lives. It's heartbreaking to say, but Vivian's actual memories of Miles with her physically have slowly faded. But her and Clara continue to talk about Miles and include him daily in our family. They are sure to tell everyone they have a big brother named Miles. I truly LOVE it!

As much as I love them telling everyone about Miles it can get a little awkward at times. While celebrating Miles' birthday in Utah we were at a restaurant for lunch and the girls were playing in the play room. Mark, my aunt and I were watching the girls from the glass windows seated outside the room. We noticed that Vivian and Clara were playing with some girls their ages. Suddenly we saw that Vivian was getting rather excited about what she was talking to the little girl her age. Vivian's hands were getting more and more expressive with her talking. We laughed about Vivian's passion at times and how physically expressive she can be. Minutes later we noticed that Vivian now had that sweet little girl backed up in a corner, and Vivian's hands were on her hips and her head was getting closer and closer to that innocent girls face. We had never seen this behavior from Vivian. Mark promptly got up and went to see what was going on. I was sort of laughing at the matter with my aunt, but worried too. What could be going on up there? They were just having fun, what changed and why was Vivian behaving this way?

When Mark came back he said that as soon as he went into the play room, the poor little girl was backed up as far as possible in the corner and was telling Vivian that she was scaring her. But Vivian just kept saying "Yeah, and my brother is Miles and he died" over and over. So Mark broke up the commotion and had our girls come out. Vivian immediately told me that she was just telling her new friend about Miles. I sort of laughed, but very nervously. I was so glad she was remembering him, and speaking of him. But maybe not in that manner. The poor little girl didn't know what she was in for when she met our passionate Vivian. I didn't even realize how passionate Vivian was about telling others about Miles until that moment.

I found myself  very uncomfortable with the situation, and sad that our lives have come to a moment like this. A moment that I wasn't sure if I should address the matter with the girls mother or what I should tell Vivian, because she really didn't do anything bad. She just scared the poor girl and talking about someone dying is probably not a common thing to that girl. (I wish it weren't something my girls knew much about either. I swear a couple times a week, when my girls are playing house either their sister or brother has died. I have never gotten use to that kind of talk in my house. But I suppose it's part of their grieving.)

As uncomfortable and perplexed as I was by the whole situation in the play room I have to say that part of my heart was full of love and joy at the fact that Vivian was remember and including Miles in her daily life. That she wanted her friends and those she meets to know her brother and that he is part of her life still today. It is what I worried she would lose and forget, but she is showing us passionately that she is not forgetting him anytime soon. Angel siblings truly are special children!

A Day I Have DREADED For Years

 

 (Vivian wearing the raincoat we had bought for Miles to wear at this age, but never got the chance.)

Today is a day that Mark and I have literally dreaded for years. Today marks the day that our sweet Vivian will be older than her older brother Miles on this Earth. How is that even possible? Older than your older brother? No parent should know a date or milestone like that. Over the past month my mind and heart have been fighting the fact that this day really would become a reality. Yet here I am slapped in the face with another milestone in life and this long journey of grief that I would rather not ever know.

It was two and half years ago that I took this picture of Miles and Vivian after snuggling them in bed for the last time ever. If only I would have known. I never would have allowed anyone to leave this bed. In this picture Miles and Vivian are now the exact same age as of today. I just still can't believe it.

Over the last month we have already experienced many firsts with Vivian. It's been both exciting and very bittersweet. She has lost her first tooth. Thus the Tooth Fairy has now made an appearance at the Kelly house. On her fourth birthday Vivian decided it was time to ditch the Strider bike of Miles' and ride a big girl bike without training wheels. This took only one try. It was incredible to watch. She is pushing and exploring her independence daily and that in itself is very interesting for me as a mother.

I've literally tried to focus my attention on Vivian and truly enjoy each moment with her over the past month. I can't help but think of her brother at this age as I hold her and hug her each day. To remember what it was like to hold my sweet boy at that age and feel his awesome hugs with his arms wrapped so tight around my neck. Vivian doesn't quite hug as strong and as intense as he did, and oh how I miss his hugs! But I find myself starring at Vivian's feet and hands remembering Miles' sweet little body and how much I miss every inch of it!

So here we go forward, time ticking away, reminding me each day that life is moving forward, even if my mind and heart still can't grab a hold of this concept, as I'm stuck in a frozen yet ever aging life. Yet I am trying to appreciate all the new adventures in our lives as I see my girls so happy as they grow. Both girls are so sweet to always remember and even include Miles in their thoughts, words and hearts each day. He may not have been here physically to lose a tooth, to ride a two wheel bike and many more things, yet we feel him close with us, cheering us on and watching over us in the most special ways. It truly is a sacred and beautiful thing.

Vivian Is 4

Today we celebrate this sweet redheads life, Vivian Ann. I can't believe that today she is four years old. I have been dreading this day for a couple years now. I've spent the last month trying to bribe her not to turn four. I've even offered to pay significant money each day if she wouldn't turn four. But there is no convincing her. She determined it's super cool to be four. She is determined to grow big and be a mommy.

I dread this day because in exactly one month from now she will out live her older brother Miles in this Earthly life. Four years is really not that long to spend with such sweet spirits. (But I know it's more than other parents have, so I am grateful for each day I have with them.)

 Although there is a bitter sweetness in Mark and I's hearts this day, it's truly a day to celebrate such a sweet and pure life. Vivian has lifted our spirits during the darkest of times. She has always been a constant in our life pushing us to wake up, get ready and live life when it was the last thing we wanted to do. Vivian has experienced hard and confusing things in her life at such a young age that many won't know until adulthood. She has a deeper knowledge and understanding of life that many her age, and much older, don't comprehend. She has a pure faith in and relationship with her Father in Heaven and Savior Jesus Christ that is truly special and powerful. Vivian is always worried about those around her, especially those hurting in their hearts. She can detect it and is truly concerned about them.

(Vivian catching lady bugs.)

Vivian has a special passion and connection with nature. She is a bug loving, insect seeking, rock loving, animal enthusiast child. We have yet to meet an animal, big or small, slimy or creepy that the girl doesn't love and want to hold. It's like her soul connects with animals and she has a way with them to calm them and carefully hold each one she meets.

She is truly best friends with her little sister Clara. She is most always willing to share with her, and is genuinely concerned about her. Vivian is kind to include Clara in most everything she does and let's her tag along with her when playing with other kids.

Vivian is also our little artist. She isn't really into many toys, but give her paper, markers and scissors and she is set for hours. She loves to make things for others and is always giving or mailing away her artwork to family members.

Vivian has brought so much joy, light and life into our lives. She has such a unique bond with both Miles and Clara. I pray this special bond only strengthens over the years with each of her siblings. Oh Vivian how we love you so much and couldn't imagine life without you! Here's to a special day celebrating you!

Angel Siblings / Tender Hearts

Lately I've been having some very deep, serious and interesting conversations with Vivian. As I try to answer each question she asks I always try and answer them in the most honest yet tender way possible for her three year old mind and heart to understand, I see that her soul and thinking is way above that of a three year old. She keeps me on my toes with all these questions and thoughts.

 (I love this picture captured of Vivian holding Miles' monkey!)

 Vivian has been very concerned about her brother Miles lately. She typically always is aware of him, thinks of him and talks of him. But there are times that he is closer to her mind and heart than others. These times are obvious due to her actions and comments.

Within the last week as we have been sick at our house she has been asking about many hard things. How did Miles die? Why did Miles die? Why did he die before us? I truly do try to answer these questions honestly yet tenderly. The girl is only three. But that last question I cannot answer. I wonder the same thing all the time. It's something I have plead with and questioned the Lord many times. Thus I told her I didn't know why and that she would have to ask Heavenly Father. To what she replied after thinking just a minute, "I think he just needed Miles more than we did... maybe." Oh the truth and pure honesty of a child. If only my heart and mind could come to full terms of this statement. I truly believe it with all my heart, yet my heart and mind cannot always come together on the matter.

She's also very concerned about our hearts beating. She asked me if they keep beating when we die. I told her no. So now she's concerned that if we nap if our heart will nap and we will die. She says she doesn't ever want to die. To which I tell her that I hope she doesn't have to worry about that for a very long time. Yet I remember telling her brother the exact thing at a moment in time when he was suddenly very sick. I had no idea that six months later his fear, and mine, would be a reality. So I hate even discussing the matter with my children now. There just are never any guarantees in this life.

Lately Vivian is also very aware and thinks of Miles' grave. She always wants to draw him pictures and take him things to his grave. I think in her mind he really gets them. I don't know....I don't know what she thinks. So we took the girls shopping to get things for his grave for Easter. Vivian is very excited to take them out this weekend. But she did ask if we go there sick if we will get him and his grave sick. I told her she doesn't need to worry about that one.

I am so grateful Vivian loves, thinks of and cares for her brother Miles! I pray all my children will include him as best they can in their lives. Forever! I'm honored that I get to stay home with these sweet girls so that as these hard questions come up I can be the one to answer them. Not someone else. It's a sacrifice I am willing to make any day.

But I've thought a lot of about angel siblings lately. Just as God makes angel children special and unique I think the same goes for the siblings of angel children. They go through more than any other child should have to. They lose their best friends, their playmates, their partners in crime and without even knowing why. Most often without any notice too. Then they have to live with crazy grieving parents who are crying all the time and who are so lost at times that they maybe shouldn't be trusted with the care of children. Yet these children are so strong, so tender and so aware of others it's amazing to me. I truly believe that angel siblings truly are special ones set aside by Father himself to help more than just their family, but so many more. I'm honored to be called mother by these children.....all three!!!

Sister Kitties

Lately Vivian and Clara like to pretend they are kitties.

They love it....sometimes after hours of being clawed and meowed at I don't especially love it.

But it's their thing right now.

And it keeps them entertained, so kitties it is. 

On this day last week one kitty rode the other.

They were cracking me up!

I seriously didn't even tell Clara to put her arm in the arm.

She's just naturally brave like that. 

They did this for almost an hour.

It was so fun to watch them having so much fun together.

I'm so glad I grabbed my camera and captured these moments!

Now for some reason this week they are fighting like cats and dogs. 

Not really sure what happened, but it's proving to be a long week of learning to share and speak nicely to one another. Oh the life.

Family Pictures 2014

Our dear family friend, and almost family, Alex Hawker took our family photos this year.

We ran into her at a store in town one day and she said she wanted to do something special with our family if we were okay with it. (I will tell you what in just a second.)

I told her we wanted family photos anyway so let's just do it all at the same time.

The day couldn't have been more perfect. 

(Well expect for if Clara felt better, that would have helped.)

We woke up super early in the morning and drove out to Terreton, ID, an hour and half away from where we currently live.

It was overcast, no wind and pretty warm for this time of year.

Out in Terreton it gets really windy. 

Like REALLY windy. So honestly we couldn't have asked for a better day!

We are thrilled with the way our pictures turned out!

The colors are amazing.

Since it's a farm town, we embraced its beauty.

(When I was a little girl we lived out there. I have wonderful memories of the town.)

These are even my uncle's straw stacks. 

Cool backdrop huh!

It's fun to have some family ties in all these photos!

Clara wasn't feeling too well that week.

So we are happy with what we got of her.

She really didn't want anything to do with photos.

She just wanted wrapped in the blanket her Grandma Kelly made her.

It's one of our favorite blankets!

If you notice Miles' beloved Monkey, yes he named him Monkey, is in almost all our photos. 

He always will be from here on out.

Alex captured this sweet moment with Vivian and Monkey.

I love it!

I just love this girl.

She has helped us through so much, she may never even know it.

And this sweet blessing came to us during the hardest time in our lives.

It's rare to capture her so still.

But she's as sweet as they come.

This photo is taken at a Pellet Mill my grandpa and his brother built decades ago.

The contradiction of happy and sad in this photo just grabs at my heart.

More at the Mill.

We will be going back there again someday for more family photos. It's amazing!

Okay, now the proposed project of Alex's.

She said she loved the photos of our family at Miles' grave on his birthday, but was sad our whole family wasn't in them. 

She asked if she could take our family's pictures at his sacred transformation place. 

Mark and I were so humbled and touched by this thought.

Thus, out to Terreton for family pictures it was, because that is where our son rests for now.

We took out some of Miles' favorite toys and played around his headstone, while telling the girls stories about their big brother who now watches over them from above.

The girls never tire of Miles stories, and neither do we!

The girls also LOVE to play with his things!

Mark and I love seeing them and holding them again whenever we get them out.

Thank you Alex! You are so thoughtful! I'm not sure I would have ever thought of doing this by myself. We will always cherish these photos. We must do it again!

If you want to check Alex out you can find her here at

Alex Hawker Photography

(just click for the link)

She's based out of Blackfoot, ID is very reasonability priced. She

 does a great job and is as sweet as can be!

Love that girl!

I can't wait to get these up on my walls!!

Jumping & Front Flips

For Miles' birthday we took the girls to an indoor jump house.

Miles LOVED those places!!!

Needless to say Clara was totally in her element.

Vivian was too.

The girls were coming up with new tricks of sliding and climbing up crazy things.

We totally took advantage of the foam pits.

Hello sweetness!

Dang I wish we had one at our house!

The girls jumped into like crazy girls.

Plus we would toss them in the pit at crazy high altitudes, while being safe of course.

Then the front flips began.

Mark started us all off.

It soon became a family affair.

That is once we wrangled Clara from the restricted area.

Cones don't deter this girl. No way.

Everyone was pulling the flips out.

This shot makes mine like dinky, bad angle. I assure you I had some good air.

I blame the camera man.

Then it was to the kid zone for the little ones to pull out the flips.

Vivian got really good at them!

And of course Clara had to be in on it as well.

Did I mention the girl is doing back flips off my sofa now?

With my assistance of course.

But come on girl, you are only 14 months. Simmer down just a little.

I love this photo of the girls. 

They really are the best of friends. 

Just like Miles and Vivian were/are.

We had such a good time and spent a solid two hours here just jumping, flipping and forgetting about the hard things in life. I'm pretty sure Miles was there laughing along side of us, giving us pats on the back for each new trick performed. It was a good afternoon!

Rainstorms & 10 Years

Since moving here to Pocatello we have had three flash flood warnings.

Two of which have been the last two days.

This is crazy people.

Well if you know us at all, we can't let a good rainstorm go to waste.

Miles would be so disappointed if we did.

So I grabbed the girls jackets and boots and we went out.

After all the torrential down pour was over of course. Safety first.

We went knocking on all the neighborhood kids doors that we knew

 to see if they wanted to join in on the fun.

This is in the grass on the side of our house.

Seriously....look at how deep that is.

Clara was enamored by how much water was gushing out of the downspout.

This was the parking lot just behind our house.

It was more like a swimming pool. Seriously.

Clara kept sitting in it like it was a wading pool.

She was soaked from head to toe.

Literally, her poor feet were purple at the end.

The girls had a blast.

We all had a blast. 

I wouldn't lie if I said I didn't get in and have some fun myself.

There's nothing like a good rainstorm and the way it makes you feel inside.

It's been a good couple days.

On another note: 

Today Mark and I are celebrating 10 years of marriage.

I can't believe it's been 10 years. 

Where has time gone?

We have been through some amazing ups and some seriously low lows.

Sometimes I feel like we have gone through more than some will ever go through in their lifetime.

Yet in 10 short years we have experienced so much.

Unfortunately I know we don't get a hall pass from future trials and pain.

Even though I think we deserve one now!!!

But I do know that if we have made it this long and this strong we are bound to make it through whatever life brings our way.

We are blessed with three amazing, beautiful children with only more to come (not yet people, not yet).

We have so much love and happiness around us.

We are lucky to have each other!!!

Here's to eternity.

Family Fun Reunion

 We had so much fun at our reunion in July.

I couldn't help but think how much Miles would have LOVED it.

We always love getting together with our family.

We made giant bubbles with the kids.

But the adults had just as much fun and we were sure to capture really cool things with the GoPros and the bubbles!

The crab pool is ALWAYS a hit with my kids!

Thanks dad for always bringing it!

Of course the girls gravitated to the sand every day and made sure to get good and dirty in it.

We made our very own paper rockets and had a rocket launching competition.

Clara and I did pretty well if I do say so myself!

A blast to say the least!

But the zip line is always the star of the show.

This year Vivian was brave enough to go down with Mark and I.

And of course Clara went down.

If you didn't know this already this girl is an adrenaline junkie already.

I know, she just turned one.

But honestly it's true.

Even though she has a solemn face in this picture (it's a Kelly our kids do), she LOVED it and went down multiple times!

This is a video of Clara's first time going down the zip line with my brother Kurtis.

Two adrenaline junkies paired perfectly.

(That's our very own Nitro Circus Star. Love that boy!)