Clearer Vision

I have been doing a lot of soul searching the past week. I have felt Miles so close, something I miss and long for so much. I have also met a few new people who are in this exclusive, yet not so exclusive club, of child loss. Some of them are on 40 years, some 10 and others just months. It's nice to meet others who understand your craziness, your heartache, your torments and your despair. Yet those in this club also know and understand your hope, your focus, your determination and your changing self.

Believe me, I have wondered so many times....WHY. Why did this happen to me? Why did this happen to our family? Why my son? WHY?

I have often wondered if I really knew the trials I would face in this mortal world before agreeing to come down. Did I know that one of my hardest trials would be to lose my first born child? My son. The boy who made me a mother. I truly believe I did. Yet I wonder did I truly understood how hard this would be? Did I understand all the things which I was agreeing to?

With all my heart I believe that I understood and saw the greater picture. That there was and is more than just this life. That this life here and now is a stepping stone to another. To glorious things. To worlds without end. To life eternal. In fact Eternal life with my family....all of them!

It may seem weird, but this journey we have been on has been one that I would NEVER ask for. Not EVER! Yet in the strangest way I have to say it has been one of the best for me. (Wow, that took a long time to even type the word best.... my fingers and heart just really didn't want to admit it.) I say best because of how it has changed me. Changed us. I feel as though this trial has taken a film off my eyes. Instead of focusing on things that don't matter and seeing and worrying about the trivial things, I now see more clearly what truly matters in life. I have come to know and understand the meaning to life in a much deeper and yet simpler manner. I understand more clearly why I am here and where I need to go. I also have a better focus on what I need to do in order to get there. I see people more beautifully than ever before. I feel people's spirits more than I ever thought I could. I feel more true love for others, even those I don't know. I feel peace in the craziest of times. These are some of the blessings I have personally gained from this difficult trial. One that I feel I will always be growing from....even 40 plus years from now.

I remember the night we came home without our son from the hospital. We had just said our final goodbyes, gave him our last hugs and kisses. Stroked his hair one last time, and wrapped his arms around my neck just to feel one last hug of his. Our sweet bishop at the time came to my aunt's house to talk with us. He spent time talking with us, giving us sweet words of love. Mark and I were both in such shock at the time. My head was so confused by what had just taken place and my heart was so broken it couldn't absorb even an ounce of understanding. Yet our thoughts turned to others who faced bigger trials in life. Some much more than even we were facing. I remember telling our bishop "that if God trusted me with this trial, than he must have a lot of faith in me because I wasn't sure I trusted myself with this trial."

To be honest I often still feel this way. I'm not sure that I have faith in myself to endure this heartache and longing for my son. Yet I know that God would not give me something that he knew I couldn't grow, learn and even become better from. So I keep the faith because of him. And because of him and my faith in him he has opened my eyes and given me a clearer vision of his plan and the purpose of it. So when I meet my Eternal Father again someday soon I will bow at his feet humbly and thank him for the trust he placed in me to give me such hard things to rise to and become closer to him through. I look forward to this day with all my heart!

Dear Miles- Forever Changed

Dear Miles,
I can't believe it's been a year now since you left us here in this mortal world? Why oh why son did you have to go? Did you know you were leaving us so soon? So many times I replay the days and moments leading up to your accident and it seemed as though you did. You said and did too many things that lead me to believe you knew what was coming. Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't I understand the clues you were giving me at the time? Either way I know I never would have been prepared for this. No one ever is.

I'm not really sure how to describe the last year. Did we survive it, endure it, trudge through or simply just hang on for dear life? I think all of the above and more. This past year I have felt frozen in time. A YEAR....seriously has it been that long since I held you in my arms? Since I last  kissed your soft cheeks? Since I tickled you so that you squirmed and giggled so hard? A year since I heard that adorable laugh of yours? A year since you incessantly talked to me until we had discussed everything possible so you then went into repeat mode. How can a year feel only like a couple months yet decades at the same time? I had no idea that was possible, but believe me it truly is. I also didn't know a person could endlessly cry and never dry up. Or that a heart could ache far beyond breaking. Yet as I look back at the year I have learned and grown so much. I truly can't put into words that accurately describe this past year. The only words that come to mind are those I wrote about earlier....Beautifully Broken.

Miles you have FOREVER Changed me. Changed me for the best. You are my first born. You made me a mother. You brought a new reality to my life. You let me relive and take in life in a way that was so full of love, laughter and purity. You brought a child's innocence into my life that I needed without knowing it. You truly brought me pure joy from the moment I felt you squirming in my tummy. When you left, it seemed as though you took all that with you. But I am finding that you when you left you gave me and continue to give me more than I even understand at times. You have given me a whole new perspective on life again. A deeper love, conviction and appreciation for life. A true love for others, even those I don't know. I have more compassion and a strong desire to serve and lift others as much as possible. You have given me eyes to see deeper and more colorful than ever before. You have helped me focus more keenly on what truly matters in life. Because of you Miles I truly am a better person, and  hope to become even better as I learn and grow more. Because of you I am Forever Changed.

I miss you dearly! As we have now passed all the one year marks I will now count each mark as one year closer to holding you in my arms. As I am no longer who I used to be I have made the goal to discover and define who I am. I have gone through too much to be the same person I used to be, and that's not a bad thing. Because remember, I'm better because of you. So as dad and I have discussed we are going to put a huge effort this next year into rediscovering who we are individually, as a couple and as a family. It's not going to be easy, but it's necessary. We want you to be proud of us and we know you want us to be happy just as I'm sure you are. I don't want you shedding tears of sorrow over us as you watch us struggle. I know it's going to be challenging as I often mourn my old self, our old companionship and our old family. But we are Forever Changed, so we will strive to redefine and rediscover our new selves over the next year for you! When I don't want to go out of the house, do fun family activities and other such things I will hold you in my heart and trudge ahead and hopefully make you proud. It's going to be hard at times. I will always be tender for the rest of my life, but I will be and can be strong for you. Because being strong is all I have left and it's what gets me closer to being with you. So I will strive everyday, for you, to be strong and enjoy the beauties of this mortal life so that when we run to one another and embrace you can tell me that you are proud of me for what I did with the time we were apart. Until that day I will always carry you deep within my heart as well as openly on my shoulder. I will carry you everywhere with me as you are part of me and have been from the moment you were created. I love you son. Until we meet again!!
Love Mom

The Things We Take

When Miles passed I learned very harshly the things we don't take with us...our earthly belongings.

I have always known this, as I'm sure you have.

We hear it all the time "We don't take our belongings with us when we die."

But suddenly I found myself surrounded by all of his belongings.

He left them all as they were when we left the house for the weekend.

They were ALL left for me to take care of.

Just after he passed {and even sometimes still} I would smell all of his clothes, searching for his scent.

I just wanted to hold and touch each one just to remember him.

For three solid months I carried around with me in my purse

 the last shirt he wore to the swimming pool.

It's a red long sleeve shirt with a dinosaur on it.

He was so handsome in it!

I also slept with it each night for months on end, clinched tight in my arms nestled close to my heart. 

I longed to hold Miles again, but as much as I carried his shirt around it wasn't him, it was just his shirt.

One of many he left behind when he moved on in his journey elsewhere.

I won't lie, I have cried out loud at him a few times and said "Miles why did you leave me? Why did you leave me with all your things? You didn't take any of them! You just left me and left everything behind!!"

This is a hard reality, to be surrounded by your child's things, to remember all the memories associated with them only to just go unused, to no longer smell like them just to hang ever so still and never changing in the closet. It's really difficult to explain how emotional this harsh reality is.

Many people have asked me what I have done with this things.

I will tell you. Not much.

His clothes still hang in the closet, I have had to move them up above to the higher rod now and move Vivian's below, but they still hang in the closet in the same order he left them. One shirt even still has a smudge mark on it. I look at it often.

He still occupies a drawer in the dresser. This makes it tricky, as I could really use the space for Clara, so I condensed his two drawers down to one. He is still my son and I want him to be part of our home still, so he still occupies a drawer!

Our house is really small, with very little storage. I could use the drawer and the closet space, but I can't bring myself to put his things away yet. Nor can Mark. 

I guess it's our way of keeping him in our home.

When the house is still and quiet I love to run my fingers through his clothes. Sometimes I pull his little skinny jeans out of the drawer and hold them up just to remember how tall he was and how cute his tiny little bum was in those skinnies. They were adorable on him!

I put some of his shoes away, but his favorites have remained in the closet. I love seeing them there. Seeing those blue shoes with orange stripes makes me feel like he is close by. 

One time as I stared at them I truly felt his presence close. It was as though he was standing in those shoes again. I felt so warm inside. It was a wonderful tender mercy.

Plus Vivian loves to wear his shoes. She often is wearing them around the house. She gets so excited about wearing anything of Miles. But for some crazy reason I don't want her wearing them outside. I know they have been outside before, but I just don't want them worn out and getting dirty by anyone but Miles.

As much as I love having his things around me, the reminders and memories each one holds, it's not the same as having him here. How could it be? But I would gladly give all of them up for time with my son again.

Since losing Miles and learning the harsh reality that we don't take our Earthly possessions with us Mark and I have gotten rid of so many physical possessions that are just cluttering our lives, our home and have found that many things just don't hold as much significant value in our lives as we previously thought. We don't really lust after physical possessions as we may have before. {Not that we had any issues with this before.} We have found that it's just stuff, it's not what really matters or gets us anywhere in life.

Elder Robert C. Gay visited our Stake Conference recently and said something that hit me so powerfully that coincides directly how I have been feeling about this matter. He said we only take three things with us when we leave this mortal world. Our Character, how we treat others and live our lives each day and the stuff that makes us who we are. Our Covenants, the promises we make with God and others. And Lastly Our Family Relations, our bonds and interactions with those we love.

I loved this and have found this so true. These three things are the things that matter most in life. Not the clothing and brands I wear, not the car I drive, not any of it. Because I cannot take any of that with me. Sure I still want to dress nice, take care of myself, have a functioning vehicle. But I cannot lust after these things and make them a priority in my life. Because if I do, then I am taking nothing with me into the next journey beyond. I don't want to leave here feeling stripped and frustrated with myself for not making the things that matter most a priority while here on this Earth.

So as much as I love each item Miles left behind for me to take care of. It's really the memories that each item reminds me of and holds that I cherish the most. And no one can take those from me, EVER!

The Words We Speak

I can't wait for General Conference this weekend! To hear from our beloved Prophet and his counselors and leaders in the church. I know that not everyone shares my faith, but I do want to share one thing with each of you.

Last conference I was so struck by the talk that Sister Rosemary M. Wixom gave titled "The Words We Speak." click here for the link to read it.

I have often reflected on the way I treated Miles. Right after Miles passed Mark and I discussed how we were and are so grateful that we didn't regret the way we spoke to him, how we treated him or interacted with him. What a blessing to not have any guilt from that! We never told him he was dumb, stupid, acting like a girl, to toughen up or any of the sort. Sure we told him he was silly at times, but nothing negative or name calling. The world is waiting to belittle our children, to strip them of all their confidence, so we don't need to do that. We have always tried to build up our children so that they can withstand those out there trying to tear them down.

I've always been aware of how parents speak and treat their children. We have all been there when a parent is talking in a negative tone, yelling or even calling their child names or belittling them. Bulling them really. We need to remember that they are children. They don't always know the things that we sometimes expect them to know. They haven't lived as long as us, so how can they know everything we do? It's hard to remember, but it's a fact. They are still learning and growing, and from us and our actions especially.

I remember a time that Miles was driving his matchbox car on the walls and I asked him not to drive his cars on the wall. He looked at me, said okay, and then continued to do it again. I got a little frustrated and said it again. Then after his repetitive behavior I finally asked him if he knew what the wall was, he wasn't even yet two years old. He looked at me confused said no. Then I got up and physically showed him what the wall was and asked him again not to drive his cars on the wall, just the floors and I showed him what the floors were. We never had a problem with that again. But I learned that day that just because he could walk, talk and understand me didn't mean that he understood everything I said to him. I needed to teach him and show him.

Since losing Miles I'm even more aware and sensitive to how people treat their children. Sometimes I want to walk up to some parents and tell them they may regret one day the way they are treating their child, as you never know when they may leave you. I'm not perfect but I'm trying hard to be a good mom and teacher to my children. Sure there are times I get frustrated with them, but I have to pull myself back from the situation and remember they are children and the way I treat them, talk to them and interact with them is more powerful to their future and how they will be as adults and even treat my grandchildren than I realize.

So please I challenge each of you to listen to and think about The Words We Speak with our little ones!

Fear or Faith

Mark and I are learning many lessons from our trial of losing Miles.
We have both grown in ways that we never imaged.
We are grateful for these life lessons and the way we are being shaped and molded each day by our Heavenly Father as we endure the refiner's fire. We pray daily that we as we endure the heat of the fire we are becoming the gems that he intends us to be.
I just wish these learning experiences weren't because of the loss of our son Miles.
But I suppose we don't get to chose our trials.

We are truly being changed each day.
Our perspectives in life have changed, the way we view others has changed and most of what is important in this life is more clear. 

We are not the same people we were 8 months ago.
We are changed for forever.
Sometimes we mourn our old selves a little.
But most of all we are grateful for who we are becoming.
I appreciated the words in a devotional recently by Jo Anne Kay who said "We … will never be the same after going through our trials and challenges in this life, and that is the whole purpose. We skin our knees and bloody our hands as we struggle against the sharp rocks. But in the process, we are transformed into stronger, more loving, more compassionate, more sensitive individuals. Trials, when viewed from an eternal perspective, bring wisdom and gratitude."

Throughout this trial our faith has been and is continuing to be tested greatly.
I never would have imaged that the loss of my first born would be one of my greatest trials in life.
There are hard days, good days, happy days, and sorrowful days. Sometimes all of them in one day.
But within each day we try to keep the faith.
It's truly what we hold on to with all our strength.
Faith in our Heavenly Father.
Faith that if he trusts us with this trial then we can endure it. 
Faith that we will not only see, embrace and love but be fully reunited with Miles and our entire family again.

Having faith isn't always the easiest to exercise.
Often times fear is overwhelms us during our trials.
It's ever present during trials and sometimes much easier to focus on.
Fear of the future, fear of the unknown, fear of the exact trial we are facing.
With fear comes confusion, frustration and hopelessness.
It's hard to combat.

Mark and I have learned that fear and faith cannot coexist.
This is a new slogan in our life.
We have to chose to hold onto faith.
We have to chose to exercise faith.
We have to rely on and live in faith.
It's a choice we have to make everyday of our lives.
Although it's not always easy to live in faith, we have to chose faith over fear each day.
It's what keeps us going.
It's what Miles wants us to do.

I know we all have trials in life.
Some are harder than others, and come at different times in life.
It is through those trials that we become our better selves.
We become what we are intended to be; if we allow ourselves to be molded and refined.
It's not an easy process.
With it comes pain that is not only physical but also mental and emotional.
But if we chose to exercise faith over fear I know that we will become stronger and better people.

Harold C. Brown said "Our goal must be to find the good that can result from our challenges. God in His great wisdom and love will do what is best for us and those around us, if we will but turn to Him and have faith in Him. It will often require enduring experiences that are not pleasant or easy, but enduring them with faith will eventually result in greater blessings for us and certainly a blessing to those who watch how we handle these difficult challenges."

I believe this with all my soul.
I pray that as people watch us endure our trials they may find the strength to endure their own with faith.

Trials in Life

I've often caught a glimpse of an older lady who lives in our complex stopping and scowling at my window.
She then sometimes walks off shaking her head. I don't know her, but I know she is a tidy lady.
So I'm sure she doesn't appreciate that it is springtime and I still have Halloween up in my window.
I'm sure she didn't like that I had a spring banner up along with the Halloween decals for Easter either. The thing is Mark and I can't seem to take these Halloween decals down.
Miles put them up just weeks before he passed.
He would spend each day rearranging them ever so carefully.
He loved them.
He was so excited for Halloween!

If only this neighbor knew why we still have Halloween in our window during the spring.

If only she knew that during the winter I would boil water just to steam up the windows in the house to see all his little handprints that cover the window.

Handprints that I can't bring myself to clean off, even if less light comes into the house.

I love that dirty Halloween window.

I may keep it that way as long as we live here.

If only she knew all this, I'm sure she wouldn't scowl at my window anymore.

She may even love those decals as we do.

Through the loss of Miles we have and are learning many valuable lessons in life.
One of which is judgement.
Who am I to judge another?
I don't know their trials in life.
I don't know why they are in the situation they are in.
I don't know the cause for their actions, dress, behavior and more.
Instead I do know that there is a story behind each person.
That's what I try to say now, "that's a story" instead of something mean or judgmental about someone.

I often find myself out in public really looking at people.
Trying to read their soul I guess.
(It hasn't worked yet, and I'm not too sure I would want this power anyway.)
I look at them and wonder what trial they are up against.
What is their hardship right now?
Everyone has one. Everyone.

I even find myself looking at older women wondering if they too have lost a child.
Then I wonder if they have, how have they lived so long with the heartache?

When I look at people this way, realizing that they too are facing an unseen trial, I find myself loving people so much more.
I have more patience with them and even myself.

Marvin J. Ashton wrote " If we could look into each other's hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance and care."

Mark and I aren't perfect. It's not always easy not to judge another. But it is something we work hard on everyday. I don't want people to judge me when they don't know all the details of my life.
So I in turn shouldn't judge them, right?

I can't help but think what a better and loving world it would be if we all judged a little less harshly and in turn just loved one another more. If instead we helped strengthen and build one another up. What a wonderful world it would be.