Changing Through Trials

I know I have been MIA a little from here.
I feel as though I have just been hanging on, grasping for air at times really. The holidays are really hard, and for some reason this one is proving very hard for me. I don't know why, but it is.
My two girls keep me busy and for that I'm so grateful, but it's in the quiet moments my heart and soul are very heavy.
Some days I just wish someone would show up at my door and take my girls, even for just an hour so that I can cry and release all these built up emotions.
But knowing me I wouldn't allow it, and I would insist that all is well.

There are so many times as of late that I just can't process that Miles really left us, or even sometimes that he really lived on this Earth with me.
Did I really hold my sweet little 17 month old red head daughter in my arms for her to say her final goodbye to her older brother?
My heart and mind will never forget these moments, yet they seem to not want to recognize their reality. But this pictures confirms it's reality.

I don't know why after two years, I still can't understand this all.
Some days, weeks and months I can, yet some hours and minutes I can't at all.

Lately I have heard of so many people's trials. 
I have even been witnessing many around me.
Trials are such a hard and difficult thing for not only the people going through them, but those watching as well.
My heart aches, truly, as I witness and hear of so many.
Why do we have to suffer? Why do we have to hurt?

I'm not convinced that we will ever fully understand the Why in this life.
But I do know that if it weren't for trials we would not be who we are and who we are becoming.
As I watch others endure trials that I may never be able to endure, I find strength, hope and even love in a depth that would never be should it not be for the fire of the trial at hand.

As odd and as hard as it is to say, I am grateful for this trial that I am, and may always be facing.
I know there will be more trials in my life. I don't get a "skip trials pass," although I would love one!
But through this trial I have felt the fire of my refiner, forging me into a new person.
One that I wouldn't otherwise be if I didn't feel the intense heat and scorching of the fire and each  swing of the hammer molding me and shaping me into something and someone new.
I have felt this change all the way from the depth of my soul to the outward skin that covers body.
I have changed, and I continue to change into something better and new each day that I allow my maker to make modifications to me as I allow him and work with him to become what he has envisioned for me to become.

So why trials? Why me?

Why not? Because God loves me and each of you so much that he trusts us with hard things.
He trusts us to trust in him, to allow him to help mold us into something we wouldn't otherwise allow ourselves to become if it weren't for facing and enduring hard things.
So here is to becoming what he has in store for each of us by trusting in him.


  1. Faithful. Inspiring. Heartfelt. Thank you for sharing

  2. This brings tears to my eyes. It is so sad that this has to happen to a few parents in life and the huge burden you have to carry. I would not be able to get up. I am so grateful for my baby. You are so inspiring to those who have to endure far less significant trials. My heart is filled with love for you and your sweet family.

  3. Thank you so much for this post. You describe so well how death and life is so hard to comprehend. Your strength and spirituality is so inspiring!

  4. Love you friend. I know that picture was hard for you to share. Keep your head up! Why, is such a good question. Thinking of you always. Miss you so much.

  5. This year seems harder than last for me as well. I also can't really pinpoint why. I guess because it seems others expect me to be okay now and to have "moved on" in my grief. My heart is heavy with yours and has a hard time grasping the reality of it all too. Wish I could give you a hug. Sometimes just an "I know" is helpful for me. So I guess that's all I want to say is "I know".

  6. Your ability to share is so beautiful. You help many, I'm sure.

  7. Yesterday would have been our sons 7th birthday. It has now been 5 years since he passed and each year brings its own challenges. I am relieved to hear you say that sometimes it's hard to believe he was ever here on earth. I have had that same thought so many times.....and that's when I look at photos or videos to remind myself he was here and still is very much a part of our forever family! Thanks for your great words! Jan Taylor. brianandjansboys.blogspot.com

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  9. Well, I sure wish you could celebrate the holidays with that cute little guy. You are constantly in my prayers. You've never left! Love you! XOXO