A Day I Have DREADED For Years

 (Vivian wearing the raincoat we had bought for Miles to wear at this age, but never got the chance.)

Today is a day that Mark and I have literally dreaded for years. Today marks the day that our sweet Vivian will be older than her older brother Miles on this Earth. How is that even possible? Older than your older brother? No parent should know a date or milestone like that. Over the past month my mind and heart have been fighting the fact that this day really would become a reality. Yet here I am slapped in the face with another milestone in life and this long journey of grief that I would rather not ever know.

It was two and half years ago that I took this picture of Miles and Vivian after snuggling them in bed for the last time ever. If only I would have known. I never would have allowed anyone to leave this bed. In this picture Miles and Vivian are now the exact same age as of today. I just still can't believe it.

Over the last month we have already experienced many firsts with Vivian. It's been both exciting and very bittersweet. She has lost her first tooth. Thus the Tooth Fairy has now made an appearance at the Kelly house. On her fourth birthday Vivian decided it was time to ditch the Strider bike of Miles' and ride a big girl bike without training wheels. This took only one try. It was incredible to watch. She is pushing and exploring her independence daily and that in itself is very interesting for me as a mother.

I've literally tried to focus my attention on Vivian and truly enjoy each moment with her over the past month. I can't help but think of her brother at this age as I hold her and hug her each day. To remember what it was like to hold my sweet boy at that age and feel his awesome hugs with his arms wrapped so tight around my neck. Vivian doesn't quite hug as strong and as intense as he did, and oh how I miss his hugs! But I find myself starring at Vivian's feet and hands remembering Miles' sweet little body and how much I miss every inch of it!

So here we go forward, time ticking away, reminding me each day that life is moving forward, even if my mind and heart still can't grab a hold of this concept, as I'm stuck in a frozen yet ever aging life. Yet I am trying to appreciate all the new adventures in our lives as I see my girls so happy as they grow. Both girls are so sweet to always remember and even include Miles in their thoughts, words and hearts each day. He may not have been here physically to lose a tooth, to ride a two wheel bike and many more things, yet we feel him close with us, cheering us on and watching over us in the most special ways. It truly is a sacred and beautiful thing.


  1. We passed this milestone with our son almost two years ago. Since then he has had so many milestones that his sister never experienced and at every one I can't help but wonder how Ethne would have passed the milestone. The first few were the hardest and sometimes out of the blue one will hit me particularly hard, but has stated to sting a little less. Hugs for you and your family today.


  2. This milestone is HARD! I'm so sorry, it was much harder with Ledger, but it still stung when the twins passed Preslee's age. Love to you! I hate that others have to experience such hard things.

  3. I knew this day was coming up! I wish I had known the exact day so I could have called, text and sent my love! I'm sending it now and always! Love you guys! XOXO

  4. we just passed this day with our Ollie. a very hard time. Sending love & prayers