Family Reunions

We have our annual family camping reunion for my family coming up this weekend.

It's always a good time.

I mean really I have always loved my family.

And when I say my family I mean all of them, the cousins, the aunts the uncles....ALL of them!

We are a pretty close knit family.

I love it!

But this time of year always has me reflecting a lot on Miles.

He loved this family reunion with all his cousins just a year older than him.

He always had the best time, even in the rain.

It was our time to be silly, and boy were we silly.

It was fun!

We had lots of fun then!!!

We still do, but I always feel as though part of my heart is holding back,

not letting me have true and innocent fun any more.

I've been too hurt to feel that way anymore I suppose.

But I try for this boy.

I know he wants us to have fun.

I know he wants us to be happy.

I know he is with us more than we even know.

But that doesn't mean it's easy to do.

It's actually a lot of work anymore.

That is sad and hard to admit, but it's true.

As much as I LOVE family gatherings they are always a bit hard.

Even the simplest of gatherings is a bit hard.

Seeing all the kids growing up is a shock to my heart and mind.

How can they be getting so big so fast?

My life is still frozen, so it's shocking to watch them grow.

It's also hard to not let your mind and heart wonder what Miles would be doing with all the kids.

Would he be into the same things they are into?

What would his new interests be?

Would he be as tall as they are now?

So many thoughts and day dreams that I try really hard to push aside.

It can be an exhausting battle.

I suppose the hardest part of the whole things is watching everyone have their families together.

Something I don't have anymore....at least not physically.

And I won't for some time.

(But ONE day!!!)

It's hard to always have a huge part of your family and heart missing.

To go home and go back to the reality that still doesn't feel real.

(Will it ever really I wonder?)

Even though seeing all the adorable kids without your son in the mix makes that reality even more real.

It's hard and I'm not sure it's going to be easy.

I don't believe that time heals....I just think it helps.

So here's to this weekend.

I really do love going to this special place that Miles adored so much.

We have wonderful memories there that I will cherish forever.

And we will of course make many new memories this weekend.

Vivian and Clara are going to love it this year!

Christmas Wishes 2011 & 2013

I'm so upset I didn't document Christmas 2011 on my blog...how did that even happen?

So you may not know that Miles' last Christmas all he wanted for Christmas was a cupcake.

Just one.

How adorable right!!!

So we made sure he had a dozen cupcakes for Christmas.

All the other things he received were just a bonus.

He honestly would have been just happy to have a cupcake.

Easy! Love that boy.

A couple weeks ago we took Vivian to see Santa.

She of course put in her Christmas wishes.

No it's not a cupcake....but's it's almost as good.

Ready....Vivian wants "Smashmellows" (aka Marshmallows) for Christmas.

Seriously, this cracks me up.

I really do have the best children.

I know one day it will be big electronics and such.

But for now, I'm so happy to have Christmas lists comprising of cupcakes and marshmallows!

I think we can accommodate.

Clara came to see Santa too, but she was just trying to stay warm in these freezing cold temperatures.

I think milk and cereal is all she really cares for on her list right now.

Again...easy!

Random: "ScaryBacca" (aka Chewbacca) was also there.

Vivian loved him and won't stop talking about him.

He was huge! He's sitting down right here!

Seriously the guy was like 12' tall.

I can't believe how much she liked him.

A Letter to Miles

Dear Miles,
Happy half birthday.
I can't believe today you are 4 1/2 and that today also marks 5 months since your accident.
I hate that your birthday and the accident date are the same.
I also hate that my birthday and your passing anniversary are on the same date.
It's a harsh reminder.

I miss you so much!
I wonder every day how much bigger you would be now.
What things you would be interested in, and much more.

The past 5 months have been the longest 5 months of my life.
I dread thinking what a year, 5 years and even 50 years is going to feel like without you here in this life.
It's as though part of my world and life has just frozen since you left.
Will it ever unthaw?
I almost don't want it to in a sense.
Because I want to think of you and remember you everyday of my life.
But it also seems likes you are becoming a dream to me.
The sweetest dream I have ever had.
But no matter how much I sleep, that dream never is my reality.
It breaks my heart into more pieces than I can ever put back together.

When Vivi comes into our room each morning at 5:30 her footsteps sound just like yours.
Dad and I always say how much that reminds us of you and how much we love hearing it again.
I usually snuggle Vivi in bed with dad then and head up to crawl into your bed.
I feel so connected to you there.
Remember when we took you shopping for a "much softer pillow," as you called it?
Well I can attest that you chose a very soft pillow.
Good job buddy!

Spring is finally here.
You would love it.
The tulips are starting to come up.
Remember how much you love them.
Vivi is now very intrigued by them.
I can't wait to see her reaction when they bloom.
She is going to love them.
They may not survive long, but I don't mind.

Her and I have spent the last few days outside.
The birds are out again.
There are even two pigeons that are hanging around lately.
I've never seen them before.
We broke the bird seed wreath up for them to come and eat.
Finally the birds are partaking of that wreath.
Vivi is bound to catch the birds.
I can just hear you laughing at her running around trying to get them.

Now is the time we would start taking our daily walks around the complex multiple times throughout the day.
Soaking in the sun while we waited for dad to come home.
I'm sure you would have perfected the balance bike by now.
I can only imagine how fast you would be on that thing.
Not to mention how fast you would be on your big wheel.
I miss hearing the thump of that big wheel zooming around on the pavement outside.
One day, maybe Vivi can ride it.
But don't worry, both bikes are safe at Papa and Nana's house right now.
I'm sure they are parked by Papa's four wheelers, just as you would like.

We went to play with Brock and Hailey yesterday.
Vivi had so much fun.
She really misses having her buddy to play with.
She is lonely for children to play with.

We played outside in their backyard.
You would have loved it.
I kept thinking about how high you would have been jumping on the trampoline.
Or how high you would have been flying in their cool swing.
Remember how you loved that thing.
You would giggle so hard sometimes I thought you might fall out.
I miss your silly giggle.
It always brightened my days.

Oh buddy, I have so much to tell you.
I talk to you everyday.
I hope you hear me.
I'm sure you do.
I just wish I could hear you better.

Dad met someone at work yesterday.
They instantly connected and seemed to have a common interest in the afterlife.
They shared a few things with one another.
He said he felt impressed to tell Dad that many tears have been shed on the other side.
I'm sorry if our crying hurts you.
I don't want it to.
It's just the only thing I can do for now.
Even when I am happy I cry now.
I promise I am working hard at trying to find the joy, the positive and all the blessings we have and are receiving.
I know there are many!
I'm grateful for them!
I also know that you have very important work to do.
I pray for you everyday, morning and night, to help you with that work.
I hope my prayers are helping you.
Vivi even prays for you.
She's really good at prayers and loves them.
Just like you did.

Miles we love you so much.
We miss you tremendously.
I long to hold you in my arms again.
To cook you dinner.
To ride bikes with you, splash in puddles, jump on the trampoline, go hiking and so much more.
I miss hearing your sweet voice everyday.

I'm so sorry that this happened.
I still have yet to be able to piece it all together.
All I can conclude is that the Lord needed you.
So many things lead me to believe it.
It's just hard to accept sometimes.

Please come visit me in my dreams when you can.
Whisper to my heart.
Put your arms around me when I am down.
Let me know that you are near, as I know you are.

I love you son!

Have I Told You Today.....

The morning of Miles' accident I came into our room from a nice morning workout.

I told him to come here and I scooped him up and tossed him onto our bed.

I then threw myself next to him and asked him if he thought the bed was soft.

It was....it was a feather bed.

We then snuggled for a few minutes taking in the cloud of softness we were wrapped in.

We both giggled as we laid there.

I then looked him in the eyes and said to him something that my mother has always said to me....

(This picture was taken the morning of Miles' accident)

"Miles, Have I told you today that I love you?"

He then looked at me as he always did when I said this to him and smiled and giggled.

I then said to him,  "I Love You Miles!"

I'm so grateful that I took the time to tell Miles everyday that I loved him.

In fact I still tell him everyday.

I'm especially grateful that I took the time to snuggle with him and tell him that I loved him on that particular morning.

I always want my children to know that I love them.

Everyday of their lives!

Thank you mom for telling me and showing me that I am loved too.

This is a tradition that will always be carried on in our family.

Thank you.

Three Months

Today marks three months since Miles' sweet spirit left us.
A day I that is burned into my soul forever.
Each month it seems that the 13th, 14th and 15th creep up on me and hit me like a freight train.
I'm fully aware that they are coming, yet they catch me off guard and play havoc with my emotions and mind each month.

On that day three months ago, October 15, 2012, Mark and I held our son in our arms as his spirit left his body.
Headed for celestial glory.
We both felt his spirit leave at the same time.
It was an amazing moment.
We continued to lay next to him, on each side, until his beautiful little body let go.
It was 4:54 PM.
Yet another time that is burned into my soul forever.
Being with him in that last hour of his life in this mortal world was such a sacred experience.
An experience I never would have wished for, yet am so grateful for.
To be with my first born son just as he crossed through the veil.
Although I wasn't there to greet him on the other side, I was able to see him off.
In ways similar to that of a mother seeing her child off to new adventures of a two year mission.
We don't know who is there to greet them, what they will do every day, who they will be with daily, what they will eat, where they will lay their head each night and more.
Yet there is comfort in knowing that they will be close to the Lord and on his errand.

Although I sent my son off, I wish so badly I knew I was going to see him again in two years.
But I am learning to look at it as though my son's mission was four years and one month.
I'm so lucky I was able to be with him for those four years and one month of his mission here on Earth.
There truly is peace and comfort in knowing that he is in the best hands possible.
Yet it's so hard to let go.

Through this trial, and in sending Miles on to his new mission, we have seen, experienced and been blessed with many tender mercies in our lives.
Over the next little bit I would like to share with you some of them.
But for now, and for today, I will let you see one of the first tender mercies we experienced as we left Miles' hospital room on that day on October 15, 2012.

As we left our sweet son and said our final goodbyes my heart ached to know that I would never again hold my son in my arms again.
I would never stroke his hair again.
I would never run my fingers over his eyebrows to comfort him and calm him.
I would never feel his soft cheeks so full of life.
I would never kiss his warm forehead, cheeks or dainty lips again.

My heart was broken, my body too weak to move and my head so full of thoughts it was too much and too hard to process.
Just then Mark and I turned around one last time to tell him of all of our love and sorrow and we saw this.

A classic thumbs up from Miles.
It was as though Miles was trying to tell us that it was okay.
That he was okay.

Our hearts melted and found strength in this tender mercy.
A true gift for us to help strengthen us and bring us peace.
I'm so grateful for this tender mercy along with all the others we continue to experience.
They are truly treasured gifts from above.

Miles David Kelly

I think many of you have already seen this. But some have not. 

My talented brother in law John made this amazing video for us. It truly is a treasure for us. 

Please enjoy as we do.

We miss you dearly Miles!

rainy days = splash boots

we love rainy days for many reasons

 but most of all for splashing

 this was Vivian's first time splashing 

and she instantly loved it

 it seems it's a Kelly favorite past time around our house

 the puddles were so big this day the splashing was awesome

so awesome it took 3 days for the kids boots to dry out

it was wonderful!

come back soon rain

four

is Miles really four?

when did this happen?

he is so excited to be four.

he is now too old to snuggle with me 

(or so he says. 

I guess it was okay when he was 3 1/2 but not now that he's four. 

but i still sneak one or two in when I can.)

he had a wonderful birthday

he chose his cake himself

most all of his good friends made it to the park to celebrate

but best of all 

of favorite Aunt Amy came through with not only a great BYU hat 

but a football to go with it.

it couldn't have been a better birthday.

we love you Miles!

farm country

we were lucky to spend an afternoon at the 

Thanksgiving Point Farm Country with some great friends

the kids loved it!

 meet Clancy

Miles loved Clancy

they were pals

 meet a scared Vivi

she didn't even sit on the cute pony long enough to get it's name

 but Vivi sure enjoyed feeding the little goats

and they in returned liked her (or the scraps of grain she found on the ground)

we had a blast and

we will for sure be back!

mustaches

ever wonder what it would be like to have a mustache?

 it's hilarious

don't we look great?

 looks almost natural right?

 Vivian loved her's so much she wouldn't take it off for hours

 Mark's is awesome

kissing with them is even more awesome

(but don't grow one Mark...not yet anyway)

beach time

Hawaii sounded great this summer

the beach sounds great period

but it wasn't in the cards for us this year

so we made due with what we had

meet Jensen Grove in Blackfoot Idaho

it's a large pond (for lack of a better term) with water diverted from the Snake River

crazy I know, but they really hauled in sand there and it's like a beach in Idaho

the kids loved it and they really thought it was the beach

the kids love dirt, sand, and water 

 so it was perfect for us to enjoy a hot day at the beach

Needless to say we will be back

surrounded

 Miles was kind enough to supply Vivian with a few cooking essentials as she took a little dip

meanwhile I think Miles was getting in tune with his rapping skills from another religion

summer fun

 the kids enjoyed jumping on the trampoline with the sprinkler under it

 they both got a kick out of it when I turned on the water

nothing is better on a hot day

besides popsicles to follow, which we did of course

farmers

 one evening we went out to visit some family and check out the farm

Grandpa took us for a tractor ride in Uncle Dallas' tractor

 Miles loved it, and so did Grandpa

 Miles even wore his tractor hat

 Vivian fell asleep

my dad called the tractor "the big babysitter"

 thank you Uncle Dallas

we enjoyed not only your tractors but also your company

 thank you Tammy (aka, the cat lady) for all the kitty fun

I had no idea that she loved cats so much

she currently has 11 total right now

(it's a good thing you are married Tammy, or people might think things)

 aren't they a cute couple?

this picture cracks me up!

(I hope you don't hate me for posting this.)

while there we enjoyed this handsome man's company

needless to say it was a wonderful evening!
(thanks for the lemon crunch yogurt too, it was delicious!)

fresh & clean

oh Idaho how we miss you already

 we love the wide open spaces you allow us to freely explore

 the pure and clean water we love to drink

and play in

we will be back soon!

pioneer day 2012

The kids and I spent pioneer day in Idaho with my parents.

We had a blast.

My parent's ward puts on a great pioneer day celebration at a cute little pioneer park by the river.

 Miles got a bear.

Doesn't he look so cute?!

 We all streched to look as western as we could with what we had.

Miles looked the best!
(Those are my little brother Kurtis' old chaps.)

We ate watermelon, scones, and corn on the cob. 

 The kids loved it.

We rode a horse.

(A tire swing one and little carriages pulled by small horses. Sorry no picture of that one.)

 We roped some critters.

Miles is quite the ropper.

 Raced in a stick pony race at the rodeo.

 Vivian didn't race, she did the dirt crawl/swim.

 Not sure why, but she loved it and kept doing it for almost 5 minutes straight.

Needless to say she was a dirty mess at the end of the night.

We watched the horse tricks with Papa.

Vivian is absolutely in love with him!

Enjoyed a great Idaho evening. 

Miles tried to catch a chicken.

He almost did too.

As he said "I was super duper close to one. Maybe next time." 

All in all it was a wonderful night!

We missed you  Mark.

Next year let's do it as a family!