We are back.

The holidays came and have gone. Honestly I have to say thank goodness and goodbye!! The holidays this year were really hard!!! They always are, but some reason they were harder than last year it seems. Or maybe I'm just not remembering how hard they were because they are in the distant past. But this year I was an emotional, stressed out and depressed lady. It was hard!!!

Although they were hard, they were fun too. It's a weird situation. They were fun and happy with the girls. Vivian is at the same age Miles was for his last Christmas season and it's a magical age. Yet I found myself not really telling her much about Santa. She was probably a little perplexed by the whole concept because I really didn't speak much about with her. Yet she was aware of enough to know to ask for a bow and arrow...random I know.

I feel as though it's such a blessing to have children still in our home to distract us, urge us and almost force us to celebrate the holidays still. Honestly if I didn't have children around I would bag the whole season and be just fine. But yet it's still very difficult. I'm expected to put up a tree, wrap presents and the such all while having a large part of my heart just aching for another child to wrap presents for. In fact this is the first year we have put up a tree since Miles passed, and I waited until days before Christmas to even put it up. (In fairness I do put a little one in the girls room, just so they have some of the magic of the season.) Mark and I even considered not doing it again this year but we concluded we needed to for the girls, which they loved it!

It's just an exhausting time of year for me. It's hard for me to be so happy and fake so much happiness when I'm broken and aching for my whole family to be together for the holidays. Yet I hide it all from the world around me.

Along with that I seem to get sick each season. I'm just getting over, I hope, some illness I've been fighting on and off since Christmas. When Miles' first passed so many doctors, counselors and more warned Mark and I of how sick we would be over the next year or so. But I was pregnant and I think God protected me. Protected us. However, it seems that warning has now caught up to me and taken hold. Again, it's exhausting.

I don't mean to rant and be such a bummer. I only explain a little of this as to explain my absence for the past bit. But the holidays are done and we are back into the daily grind. Still recovering some from illnesses around the house, and Clara is working on her last molar....finally! She is one of our most adventurous, outgoing and tough children, yet teething has been so miserable with her. Sigh...but we are almost done. So here we are a new year, new adventures, new milestones ahead (some I'm really not looking forward to, like Vivian being older than Miles was in this mortal world) and new memories to make. So let's see what 2015 brings!

Christmas 2013

Here's how our Christmas went this year....

The weekend before we went to Idaho to visit Miles.

Oh how we miss that boy.

It never does get easier going there for me, especially when it's so cold.

We had a wonderful Christmas Eve dinner at my aunt's house.

Vivian played Mary in cousins nativity act.

(She will tell you that she got married though.)

Clara played baby Jesus. 

Vivian loved holding her and Clara slept through the whole thing!

Christmas morning we woke up to cupcakes and marshmallows!!

(click here to read why)

Vivian was so excited she didn't even see anything else!

We will ALWAYS wake up to cupcakes on Christmas morning now!

Oh and popcorn on the tree too, that will always be on our tree from here on out 

to have a part of Miles with us each Christmas.

The girls got these special monkeys that we call Miles Monkeys.

A sweet lady I live by made these for me out of Miles' old baby clothes.

They are so cute and precious!

Thank you so much Vicki, we will always cherish these!!!

(She made me two extras for future children too!)

The pattern called for a cape, as they are superhero monkeys, but Miles' bibs fit perfectly.

Brave bow and arrow....maybe Vivi's favorite present.

Along with her very own backpack.

That's right...she can now haul around her own things. 

Yeah for mom on that one!

Clara just loved all the excitement, noise and....

the wrapping paper. 

That may have been the most exciting thing for Clara.

All in all it was a good/hard/happy and tough Christmas season.

I miss Miles more than ever and the holidays are really hard!

But it was nice having Vivian understand more this year and bring some magic back to our house again.

Poor girl though....I took all of Christmas down on Christmas night.

Mark asked me why and I broke down crying and told him I made it through Christmas and I was done holding in all the emotions from the season, so I quickly tucked it all away...just as I do with my feelings too often.

Nonetheless it really was a good Christmas and 

the true reason for the season was truly celebrated in our home!

We are so grateful for our Savior Jesus Christ, for his birth, his life and his atonement.

It's because of him we will be with and celebrate with Miles again as a family.

Broken Holiday Cheer

As Thanksgiving has come and gone I have really spent the last week reflecting on my blessings.  As well as how far we have come, how much I have learned and how we have simply survived the last year.

As I have reflected upon what I wrote this time last year (click here to read) I am simply amazed at how I felt last year, at how I still feel much the same, yet how much more I have learned throughout the year facing the lose of Miles.

Oh how I miss that boy! I miss him just as much as the day he left yet more than ever before. Has it really been over a year now? Really??? How is that even possible? I still can't fathom it....yet I am living it daily. My mind and my heart are still trying to grasp this new life without Miles to kiss, hug, snuggle, tickle, and giggle with us each day. My little Buddy, I think of him daily, every hour of every day. I'm sure I will for the rest of my life. How can I not? He is part of me, thus we are one together and connected forever!

I'm not sure that this Thanksgiving was any easier than last year. In fact I think it may have been harder. The numbness of this new reality is wearing off some and man does it hurt!! For a year now I have been saying I just want to feel again. Feel love, feel happiness, feel joy, feel mad, feel upset.....just feel. Now that's I'm starting to feel a little I'm finding that it really hurts. It hurts BAD! I'm not sure that I do want to feel anymore. Maybe it's easier to just be numb to everything so that this reality isn't so painful. So that I don't feel that burning and aching deep within in soul and within every fiber of me.

Holidays are really hard without Miles.  They are very bittersweet and probably will be forever here on out. At least to some degree. I love getting together with family. I love seeing all the kids playing together. I love the excitement the holidays create within our children and our home. I am finding joy in the holidays again with Vivian this year as she is older and understands more. Yet deep inside my heart is breaking as I see all the kids playing as we gather with family. Breaking to see the kids getting older. How can they be that old? My mind and heart has frozen them all in time to a year ago. My thoughts turn to what Miles would be doing with all the kids. How excited he would be to see everyone and play with each of them. There always seems to be an empty chair, visible or invisible to others, that is in the room for me. There is another plate not being dished up by me or Mark for our son, encouraging him to eat before playing. To take just a few more bites. Even if it is just rolls with loads of butter just to get calories into that skinny boy. There is just an absence for me and my heart aches so deeply for that absence to be filled again.

Vivian has been telling me all week that Miles was coming this weekend. She would tell me with such surety in her voice and face that he was coming this weekend. I often replied to her "oh sweetheart I wish he was coming this weekend" which she would reply with smiling eyes "yeah, he is mom, he is coming this weekend, he is, yeah." So all weekend I focused on the little things. I prayed hard to feel Miles close. Oh how I wish he would have come for the weekend or even just the day, hour, or even a minute. What a Thanksgiving that would have been!

Even though he didn't come physically I know he was with us! We carry him everywhere we go. He lives, I know this. I have felt him, maybe not as much I want, but I have. I know he is on a special mission. One that he was called home for. Too bad I don't get weekly missionary emails, holiday phone calls and pictures in the mail. I would love those! Yet in the smallest of ways I feel him close. He sends me signs of his presence and love. I just have to be open and receptive to them. Most the time they are subtle, but I catch many of them. For that I am grateful. We truly are connected for forever.

So as we are knee deep into the holidays I am trying to focus again on bringing the magic and cheer of holidays to our home and even our hearts. Not only for Vivian but for myself too. It's emotionally hard work, but I'm up for the challenge and determined to feel the magic and happiness of the season, along with the sweet whisperings of Miles to carry us through.

Family Traditions

For Memorial weekend (I realize that I am behind a few weeks) all my family went up to Harriman State Park for some trail riding.

We had a BLAST!

(We are now in the market for one of these!) This was a new adventure for Mr. Miles. He loved the bike trailer (shout out to Allie for loaning us hers), but only when he was not strapped in. (Note: That boy has an issue with being tied down. I suppose it inhibits his free spirit.) The trails were not really compatible with a bike trailer, so it did make for a bit of a bumpy ride, which he wasn't fond of. So this is what he would do . . . He would fold himself over and fake asleep. A sign of surrendering I suppose. Just as soon as we would stop he would perk up and be fine. Poor guy. He did love being outside with so many new things to look at. He also enjoyed the ride when we were on the dirt road as it made for a smoother ride. All the adventures just wore the little man out. Thanks mom for watching him while we cruised another trail! Miles also loved playing in the water. I'm afraid that I have another water boy on my hand. (I really love this man!) I have to say I think we all really enjoyed the day. I think we should make this a new family tradition! (Steroid marshmellow vs. regular marshmellow) We can’t visit Idaho and not roast smores. My mom broke out the crazy marshmallow that have been injected with steroids or something, as I have never seen such enormous mellows in my entire life. They come in two shades of pink and white assorment. Only in Mexico can you find such as thing. Thanks go to Grandma Furness for finding such a find. They made ridiculous smores! That’s too much mellow for my liking. Miles somehow found one while I was not looking. Sneaky little man. The marshmellow is almost as big as his head. This is crazy. We also got to see this wonderful family TWICE! The girls loved the marshmellows equally as much as Miles. I suppose they make a great tea party treat! Miles is so adorable how he smells flowers. He simply opens his mouth and puts it close to the flower. Then he turns and smiles at us. He melts my heart.

Easter Best

Here we are on Easter Sunday all dressed up ready to go. It was a beautiful day, and we realize just how blessed we are as a family.

We're thinking of getting Mr. Miles a newspaper route.

Who wouldn't want him to deliver their paper?

Mail for Miles

Yesterday when the mail arrived we found a special surprise for Miles.Who could it be from?

The Easter Bunny of course, who else? Here is what the Bunny had to say:

The reaction:

As you can tell Miles loved it. That kid loves getting mail!

We can't wait for you to hop our way on Sunday Easter Bunny!

Blabla Christmas

Mark, Miles and I spent the Christmas holiday in Idaho with my family. We had such a wonderful time being with family. Miles was fascinated by all the lights and beautifully wrapped packages. Mark and I were so excited to give Miles his Blabla sock monkey. But then I started to worry, what if he doesn't like it? Is that possible? How can someone not like a sock monkey? Well worry no more, Miles absolutely adores his sock monkey. He is constantly giving it hugs and wet slobbery kisses.

Yeah . . . success!