1.01.2013

Looking Back and Heading Forward

2012 is a year that I can never forget.
It has brought so much joy, love, blessings, memories and certainly trials.
It's definitely been a year of growth in more ways than I would have ever thought.

How do I even sum up my feelings and thoughts about this past year?
I can't tell you how many posts I have composed as I lay down to bed each night.
Yet my fingers have yet to make it to the computer.

I'm not really sure how to put into words that adequately describe my thoughts and feelings each day.
As my heart is still so tender, frail and raw the thought of any harsh comment is completely unbearable.
Yet, I find myself in awe of all the love, support and care that so many family members, friends, acquaintances and even strangers have offered our family.
How can I ever thank each one of you properly for all your love and support?
It's overwhelming and beautiful.
Thank you!
We appreciate it and continue to need it each day.

It's hard for me to grasp reality right now.
My new reality and even my old.
Some of you know and understand when I say that I feel as though my life is standing still.
Yet I know it's not, because I watch everyone around me moving about life each day.
But in comparison to life around me my life seems to be moving at a snail's pace.
I feel trapped in the past, yet the world is calling me to the present.
Where exactly do I belong?
Who am I now?
I'm certainly not the same person I was 2 and half months ago.
Yet, somewhere deep inside I know I still exist.
How does the new me and old me co-exist?
I am trying to figure this out each day, and it's a challenge.

Only in my dreams, when I am lucky to have my whole family together, do I feel complete and whole again.
Like the real mother of two that I am.
But even those nights are not as often as I wish.
I pray for those nights.
Nights the four of us are together again.
Those are the best nights.
The reality that I long for.

As my new reality is trying to catch up with me and move into 2013 I know it's not going to be an easy year.
However, I do look forward with faith, hope and knowledge that this year will bring more joy, love, blessings, memories and yes even trials.
But I know that with and through my Heavenly Father, my Savior Jesus Christ, the companionship of the Comforter along with the knowledge of the gospel that is burning deeper in my heart each day that I will find myself this year. That I can and will endure this difficult trial of losing Miles in this mortal world as well as any others that may come my way.

This song, Where He Leads Me, sums feelings and hope best.

I can hear my Savior calling.
I can hear my Savior calling.
I can hear my Savior calling.
I'll go with him, with him, all the way.

Where he leads me I will follow.
Where he leads me I will follow.
Where he leads me I will follow.
I'll go with him, with him, all the way.

I'll go with him through the garden.
I'll go with him through the garden.
I'll go with him through the garden.
I'll go with him, with him, all the way.

Where he leads me I will follow.
Where he leads me I will follow.
Where he leads me I will follow.
I'll go with him, with him, all the way.

He will give me grace and glory.
He will give me grace and glory.
He will give me grace and glory.
And go with me, with me, all the way.

I'll go with him, with him, all the way.

I look forward to 2013 with hope, joy and faith that I may serve others. Share with others the kindness and love that is shown to me and my family. To live my life as an example for those I am around, my family and yes even myself as I search for me.

I wish you all the best in this new year. May we each find ourselves in this new year.

5 comments:

  1. Andrae I just want you to know that you have been an example to me. You are such an amazing mother, wife, and friend. The way you compose yourself, and the spirit you have, and take with you where ever you go is amazing. I just wanted you to know that through this trial, you have been a great example to me, and I thank you for that.
    I love you and your family so much
    Love Marci

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  2. That was so beautiful, Andrae. I miss Miles. But sometimes at family gatherings I feel his spirit. The spirit world is all around us and I know in my heart that the loved ones we miss so very much are closer than we sometimes realize and they are truly watching over us. I just wish we could hold and hug them once in a while.
    Love & Prayers,
    Aunt Tammy

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  3. Beautifully written Andrae. I think of you and your family so often. You are an inspiring person. You've got the greatest family behind you. xoxo
    Lucy

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  4. Wow . . . beautiful! Thank you for sharing such tender thoughts and feelings about such a difficult experience. I hope that God continues to pour out his comfort and love to your sweet little family. I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through but I hope 2013 brings a lot of healing and that you do find yourself. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Jana

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  5. Heavenly Father obviously knew how amazing you are to entrust you with such a burden. You are an incredible example of faith and trust. Thank you for lifting me today with your words. Praying for you continually that your burden may be lightened and that you may find true peace and joy once more.

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