Dear Miles- Seven

Dear Miles,
I can't believe that you are seven on Sunday. Some people may think it's strange that I still count the age you would be, but you are my son. My first born child. The one who first made me a mother and your dad a father seven years ago. So of course I count the years, I always will! You made such a huge impact on my life, my soul and my very being seven years ago. In fact longer than that actually. Your dad and I eagerliy awaited welcoming you into our home and lives well before we knew you were coming for sure. You and I had a special connection that I hold sacred years before you entered this life.

Your first couple weeks of life were scary and touch and go for a bit. Seeing you lay there in the NICU, not knowing what was going on with your sweet and tiny little body was so scary for us. But your little spirit was strong and we knew you were a fighter, thus your name Miles David (meaning Solider Beloved). The day we finally brought you home was so surreal. You and I struggled with a few things for a long time. But we worked together and eventually overcame many things together. I would do anything for you then, just as I would now!!!

Oh buddy, I truly miss you more than words can even begin to express. I find my mind and heart wandering a lot this time of year about what life would be like with you here. Would you and Vivian be best buddies? Would you two argue about what show to watch on TV, what game to play or even what to have for lunch? I have a feeling that you and Clara would be partners in crime doing crazy things on your bikes, building amazing forts and keeping me on my toes each second of the day. Would you like school? Or would you cling to me every day that I dropped you off? I'm sure you would still count the minutes until you dad got home and then follow him around the house doing projects all night with your own set of little tools. Dad really misses his little helper man around here!

I wonder what you would want for your birthday. Sadly I don't even know what little boys like anymore. I'm so far removed from that world now, it actually hurts. I should know what boys like. What the latest and coolest toys are, but I still can't hardly go down the boy toy aisle. It still hurts that you aren't around to drag me down each one of the aisles every time we go to the store. In fact I miss buying you a matchbox car instead of a treat for your good behavior in the store. Man you have quite the collection of cars buddy. Vivian and Clara love playing with them! Oh how I love to see the girls play with your cars and hear the sound of the metal clinging together and the wheel roll down the ramps. Don't worry, all your special cars are safely put away in your special box. We cherish each and every worn and scratched car!!!

Speaking of the girls, they both still speak of you daily. They love you and miss you so much! Clara has recently been carrying your picture from their dresser around and saying how much she misses you while she hugs your picture. It's so sweet. And Vivian was very distraught the other day when she realized we needed another chair at the table for you to sit at. She thinks the baby is going to use the extra one we have. I told her we would buy another chair, or you could use the green one, since it is your favorite color. Vivian truly thinks you are coming back soon. She knows that you will come when Jesus comes back to Earth. She is looking forward to this day just as your dad and I are. Oh how I long for that day!!!!

I can't believe it has been three years now since you were here to celebrate your birthday! We celebrate each year, but it's just not the same without you here. It's hard around the house without the excitement of all the birthday planning that you loved so much. In fact to be honest, each year has been so bittersweet, emotional and just too much to handle at times. So this year we are doing things a little different. We are heading to Utah for other reasons, so we are making a weekend out of it for you buddy. We are taking the girls to do some of your favorite things, eat at your favorite places, and hike your favorite hikes (although a couple of your real favorites will have to wait until after I'm not so pregnant). And of course it's not your birthday without a visit to the BYU Bookstore for some BYU gear, that's a must! Your dad and I are looking forward to sharing with the girls some of your favorite things!

We also started the week, which I think we will continue into the next month, of service for others in your honor. It's a way for us to help others, as you always did. To remember that we all have trials and need a little help carrying our heavy loads in this challenging life. Most of all it's a way to bring a smile to another who truly need it. Small but simple acts of kindness, just as you always demonstrated throughout your short but sweet life. I pray we feel you close during these moments of service and those we serve feel your love too!

Miles we miss you, cherish you and long to see and hold you again some day soon we pray! Happy Seventh Birthday my son!!! Stay close to me, I need you to! Help me and your family as you are helping others. We fully support you in all your glorious work. I hope you feel the love and prayers we send you each and every day. Thank you for choosing us as your family and for making our world so much better for coming into our lives. We LOVE you buddy!!!
All my love my son.
Mommy

Clara is 2

 

I can't believe this little girl is two today!

She has been so excited for her "purple birthday."

I guess we do birthdays in color now?

And I'm sure you guessed her favorite color is purple.

 

First you should know that Clara Amy Kelly is named after this amazing lady, my Aunt Amy.

She's not just an aunt, she's like a mother to me, a sister, a best friend and so much more.

She has always been there for both me and my family. All five of us adore her!!

Clara and Amy even share the same birthday!!!!

(We planned that one perfectly!)

So happy birthday to both Amy and Clara!!!

 

This sweet little girl came into our lives at a time that we were hoping to expand our family, but at a time that we didn't expect such news.

We had literally just started to try for another baby and then Miles passed away.

A baby was the very last thing on my mind at that point.

It was exactly two weeks to the day of his passing that we found out we were in fact pregnant.

I had wondered and worried that if I was pregnant, that my body would reject the pregnancy due to such high stress my body was experencing at that time.

But Mark and I put our trust and faith in the Lord, and wouldn't you know it, this strong, independent and vibrant little Clara not only prevailed but brought something special and unique that our family has flourished from over the past two years.

Clara is sweet but sassy all at the same time.

When she has something in mind she wants to do, she never backs down without accomplishing it.

And she never wants help.

She always says, "I do it, I do it."

She has more energy than any of my children thus far.

And requires little sleep or food for such energy, which amazes me.

She's like the energizer bunny actually.

She is straight up funny!

She is constantly cracking us up around here....even herself!

She really has no fear when it comes to anything....except dogs.

She is leery of dogs, especially small ones, and some bugs.

But heights, fast things and anything that gets the adrenaline going is what she is all about.

She truly gives Mark and I anxiety at times. Oh not to mention those casually observing her in public. They are all in shock of her.

She is capable of far more than you would think from her tiny little body.

She's kind of amazing that way.

She is literally always into and doing something.

She really doesn't sit still for long.

So she keeps us moving around here.

(I think that was part of God and Miles' plan. 

Send her to us so we wouldn't have time just sit and cry.)

She has the best laugh, and she loves to laugh.

She also loves to make others laugh.

She also loves her brother Miles and loves to wear anything of his!

She calls him "Mi Moe."

(This is his old rain jacket that each of the three kids have worn.)

She tags along with and copies her big sister...always.

If Vivian is at school or a play date, she cries the entire time and asks me every five minutes, "Vivi...back?"

They really are best friends!

She has a very creative mind and is always making us laugh with the things she comes up with.

She literally carried this little toy vacumm up a slide and got onto the trampoline herself.

Then she began to vacumm it.

I think she's a little OCD like her mom and brother.

Clara is the life of the party.

She beats to her own drum.

She's full of life, loves to snuggle, and loves her "mimi" (blanket). 

She also gives the best big kisses while grabbing the back of your head so you can't pull away.

Generally speaking Clara is a very happy girl.

Clara, you came into our lives during the hardest and lowest point I hope to ever know.

You have brought such a sweet spirit into both our home and hearts.

Thank you for chosing us as your parents!

We love and adore you more than words can express!!

Happy Birthday sweet girl.

Vivian Is 4

Today we celebrate this sweet redheads life, Vivian Ann. I can't believe that today she is four years old. I have been dreading this day for a couple years now. I've spent the last month trying to bribe her not to turn four. I've even offered to pay significant money each day if she wouldn't turn four. But there is no convincing her. She determined it's super cool to be four. She is determined to grow big and be a mommy.

I dread this day because in exactly one month from now she will out live her older brother Miles in this Earthly life. Four years is really not that long to spend with such sweet spirits. (But I know it's more than other parents have, so I am grateful for each day I have with them.)

 Although there is a bitter sweetness in Mark and I's hearts this day, it's truly a day to celebrate such a sweet and pure life. Vivian has lifted our spirits during the darkest of times. She has always been a constant in our life pushing us to wake up, get ready and live life when it was the last thing we wanted to do. Vivian has experienced hard and confusing things in her life at such a young age that many won't know until adulthood. She has a deeper knowledge and understanding of life that many her age, and much older, don't comprehend. She has a pure faith in and relationship with her Father in Heaven and Savior Jesus Christ that is truly special and powerful. Vivian is always worried about those around her, especially those hurting in their hearts. She can detect it and is truly concerned about them.

(Vivian catching lady bugs.)

Vivian has a special passion and connection with nature. She is a bug loving, insect seeking, rock loving, animal enthusiast child. We have yet to meet an animal, big or small, slimy or creepy that the girl doesn't love and want to hold. It's like her soul connects with animals and she has a way with them to calm them and carefully hold each one she meets.

She is truly best friends with her little sister Clara. She is most always willing to share with her, and is genuinely concerned about her. Vivian is kind to include Clara in most everything she does and let's her tag along with her when playing with other kids.

Vivian is also our little artist. She isn't really into many toys, but give her paper, markers and scissors and she is set for hours. She loves to make things for others and is always giving or mailing away her artwork to family members.

Vivian has brought so much joy, light and life into our lives. She has such a unique bond with both Miles and Clara. I pray this special bond only strengthens over the years with each of her siblings. Oh Vivian how we love you so much and couldn't imagine life without you! Here's to a special day celebrating you!

Small but Huge Steps

I have to brag for just a minute. Most of you won't think this is a big deal. But those who really know, know just how big this really is.

Birthday's use to be a big deal at our house. I was all about having traditions and making memories. Miles LOVED birthdays. He would talk about them almost daily, asking who's birthday was next. He was always telling me the order of our family's birthdays. He was a little party planner to say the least.
I think he's what helped make birthdays so much fun, and why my heart beat extra excitement when it was someones birthday at our house.

Since Miles passed away birthdays have been really hard for me! REALLY HARD! I fake it for the girl's birthdays but I'm not good at keeping and doing all our birthday traditions. Mark's birthday is the worst. I really don't do much at all.

But this year I pushed myself to be better. I hung up the traditional birthday banner, purchased our birthday balloons and treated Mark to dinner of his choice (even if it was a restaurant). The girls and I took lunch to his work and enjoyed the afternoon with him. It was nice. When he came home he found the house all decorated and we surprised him with a birthday card. It was a glimpse of how we use to be. I know this seems like no big deal. But as I said if you knew our lives now and then, you would know this is a big deal. When I told my aunt (aka my best friend) she was so proud of me, and to be honest so was I. Too bad I forgot to take pictures. Oh well, baby steps here. Next birthday I will be on it!

Happy Birthday Mark

Today we are celebrating this amazing man.

Mark, you truly do amaze me.

You are so kind, so loving, you always give others the benefit of the doubt instead of judging.

Your an extremely hard worker, you tend to others needs before your own.

You are spiritually on a level that I desperately want to be on.

But I have watched you reach that point and continue to watch you get higher and higher.

You are a wonderful father.

You radiate love for our children before they are even born.

You have always been our kids best buddy.

They think you are much cooler than me, and it's obvious why.

Miles always wanted to be where you were, do what you were doing and most of all be just like you.

He was your little shadow and I think he still is whether you know it or not.

Vivian is always asking me when you are coming home from work.

She gets so excited at the thought of you home and misses you every minute you are gone.

I think it's safe to say she has a crush on you, and you are her first true love.

Clara and you have a bond that I cannot describe.

You two are soul mates in a way I love to watch.

I've never had a child cry out for their daddy in the night, but you are the only one she wants.

I'm sorry it makes for some long nights for you, but you give her comfort that only you can give her.

Thank you for always being there for her.

Oh how I wish our little party planner was here today to help me pull off a spontaneous birthday surprise. Birthdays' were his thing, and I'm having a hard time wanting to celebrate anything without him here.

I wish more than anything I could give him to you for your birthday!

My heart aches watching you miss your little buddy. 

Watching you grieve leaves me feeling helpless.

Today is your day, and we want you to know how much we love you!!

How much all four of us love you!!!

You are our rock and we couldn't ask for a better one!!!

We love you so much!

Let's bust out the party hats Miles' chose and have a great celebration!

Love you Mark!!

Bittersweet Birthdays

Miles' birthday will forever be a bittersweet day for us.

It's a day of beautiful, loving and amazing memories.

Yet it's hard to think of actually celebrating without him here.

I mean, do you sing Happy Birthday?

Because singing to someone and not having them there is sometimes like a knife to the heart.

Bittersweet for sure.

So we did our annual balloon launch.

Clara's first one got stuck in the trees.

Clara loved seeing the balloons flying aways in the air with our messages of love floating up to Heaven for Miles.

Vivian was so sweet and was sure to send her's with a kiss.

She misses Miles so much!

All weekend as people we brining messages and gifts of love with cupcakes covering our counter, Vivian kept asking when Miles was coming to eat his cupcakes with us.

The poor girl, she understands so much yet it still doesn't make any sense.

And why should it, it doesn't always to me either?

When we went to Miles' transformation place Vivian bolted out of the car so excited to visit Miles.

She ran to his headstone, sat down and stroked the picture of him and kept saying "oh buddy we love you and miss you so much."

It was so sweet!

This year, we decided to take Miles' tote of special things with us.

As we got each thing out we told the girls stories about Miles and what we he loved.

It felt really good. 

Mark and I haven't seen many of his special things in a LONG time.

It felt so good to see them, touch them and just have them around us again.

I really miss having so many boy things around the house, especially Miles' things everywhere!

I won't lie, Mark and I were both a little disappointed that Vivian didn't remember many of his things.

I thought she would remember a few key ones that she saw every single day, like his lion bath towel.

But she didn't, and I can't expect her to as she was only 17 months old when he passed.

Nonetheless, it hurt a little.

This was by far the best visit graveside visit we have ever had.

I loved seeing his headstone covered with all his favorite toys and the girls playing all around the area with them.

Even though the weekend was long, and our emotions were tense and up and down, Mark and I were overwhelmed and lifted by all the kindness shown to us. 

We had had so many lovely and touching things done for us all week long.

All the messages of love, pictures of balloon launches, kind acts done, cupcakes, flowers, etc.

Words can't express just how much each one meant to us and just how much our hearts were lifted by even the simplest of gestures.

Thank you so much for loving our son and remembering him on his special day!

It means the world to us that he is thought of, remembered, and loved by so many.

A Miles Kind of Day

I still can't believe this will be our second birthday celebration of Miles' without him here. These are such bittersweet days. Oh how I wish I knew what it would be like to celebrate him turning 6 on Saturday. I remember his last birthday pictured here so vividly as though it were just a couple weeks ago. What I would give to have him here to celebrate the day he came into this world. The day he made Mark and I parents and changed our lives for the better forever. The day that life really started to mean something more, something greater and something amazing. We are truly lucky this sweet boy came into our lives!

Many people have asked what we are doing to celebrate or what they can participate in. In the past we have done acts of service, which is always lovely and encouraged. But this year I would ask that you sport your BYU gear, should you have any, and have a "Miles Day."

What is a "Miles Day?" A dear friend emailed me once and helped me understand just what a Miles Day is to her. It touched me forever. So I will put into words what a "Miles Day" is to me.

A Miles Day is not a scheduled day. It's a day that you wake up, look out the window and as he would say each day "it's sure a beautiful day today." It's a day that is a busy day with many things on the "to do" list, but there is no necesary order as to what must be done so that the day can flow as it may. There is time to think, ready, play, accomplish projects, run errands and cook dinner, but nothing is too rushed or stressed. It's a take it as it comes day.

A Miles kind of day is a day that you comb your hair "the handsome way" but don't get too distraught if it gets messed up. It's a day that you look your best but your not worried about getting dirty from playing, working, or giving service to someone in need without notice. It's a take they day how it goes and smile along the way kind of day.

A Miles kind of day is one that you look out for those around you. You watch and observe those you come in contact with everywhere you go and try to help them or lift their spirits in some way. Just a simple wave or hello may do the trick.

A Miles kind of day is one that you play as hard as you work. It's spending time with those you love and that matter the most to you. It's giving them the biggest hug so they not only feel but they know how much you love them and appreciate them.

A Miles kind of day is one that you have time to reflect on what truly matters to you. What you are doing and where you are going in life. It's a day to be at peace, laugh, find joy and help those around you. It's just that simple. A Miles Day is a day that at the end of the day you say, just as he always did each night, "today was a good day!"

We will be celebrating Miles' birthday with the girls having a "Miles Day" doing some of the things he loved and being with those he loved. We would love for you to have your own kind of "Miles Day" along with us.

Happy First Birthday Clara

One year ago today this sweet girl left the presence of many wonderful people, including her big brother, and not only came into this world.....

But she came into our lives and changed us forever.

Clara Amy Kelly, you came to us so unexpectedly and during the hardest, darkest time in our family's lives so far.

Everyone told me what a miracle you were and how healing you would be for all of us.

Oh how they were right, but not in the ways they thought, or even we thought.

Clara you came as such a sweet spirit and continue to be one each day.

It sill can't believe we both made it through that trying time together. 

That new life came into me and held strong just as one left me and I was so weak.

You haven't necessarily healed my broken heart, but instead opened another chamber of my heart to love more. To discover love again.

You have given my arms something to hold on really hard days and nights.

My lips to smother kisses on soft cheeks.

And oh how you have kept my hands and feet busy chasing after you each day.

You have given my wondering mind something to focus on each day and distract me from dark places.

You have given your sister companionship and true friendship that she desperately missed.

You are and will always be our rainbow child.

What is a Rainbow Baby?

A Rainbow Baby is a baby born after a loss of a previous child.

It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm.

When a rainbow appears, it does not mean the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with it's aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. 

Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

We love you more than words can express Clara.

Happy Birthday Sweet Girl!!

Vivian Turns Three

Sunday we celebrated not only Mother's Day but this darling girl's birthday.

I can't believe Vivian is three already.

Three is such a fun and magical age.

I am beyond blessed to call this curly red head my daughter.

She lights up my life more than words can express.

She has brought not only light but joy into my life in the darkest of times.

She continually surprises me with her vocabulary, her understanding and perspective in life and her sweet point of view.

She's as stubborn as her mother yet she is as sweet and gentle as they come.

Oh how we love you Vivian Ann Kelly!

Birthday Recap

Last Friday we celebrated Miles' 5th birthday.

Mark took the day off and we spent it as a family.

We went to the BYU Bookstore and got everyone a BYU shirt.

For some reason Miles loved BYU, even though we never taught him about it to begin with.

His love of BYU truly was self discovery on his part.

He would tell me everyday, at least 20 times minimum, that he was going to go to BYU.

Each year on his birthday he always wanted a BYU article from Aunt Amy.

Which she never disappointed.

So one of our new traditions for his birthday is for everyone to get something BYU.

Afterwards we meet up with friends and family at the same park we celebrated his birthday at last year.

It was a wonderful turn out.

I'm sure Miles was smiling down on each one of us. 

We did our annual birthday balloon launch. 

We all took a minute in silence as we thought about Miles, his life and our love for him.

We asked each person to send a heartfelt message of love to Miles with each balloon.

I couldn't hold back the tears. 

My messages of love seemed too many and too heavy to float away with that one balloon. 

Oh how I wanted to float away with my balloon and personally deliver my messages.

It was a beautiful sight seeing all the messages of love being sent up to the heavens.

I hope Miles got each one and felt all of our love with each of them.

I'm sure he did.

I couldn't hold back the tears at that point.

Why and how was I celebrating my son's birthday without him?

How was this really happening? 

Vivian loved sending the balloons to Miles.

She sent another balloon up herself later, and said 

"Happy Birthday Miles" as it floated up, "I Love You!" 

She is so sweet.

I really wish I knew what she thinks and understands about this whole thing.

The most important thing is she knows her brother loves her and she loves him.

She also knows that Miles lives with Jesus and Papa and Nana Great.

She finds comfort in that....I think.

I know I do. 

All in all it was truly a bittersweet day.

It was so full of love and support.

We are grateful for each person who came out to show not only their love for Miles but also us.

Happy 5th Birthday Miles.

Look who's Two!

Our little red head is now two years old.

When did she grow up?

Lately I have been noticing that she looks so much bigger.

We celebrated her birthday while at my parent's house in Idaho.

All she wanted for her birthday were pink cupcakes.

So pink cupcakes it was. 

We did our birthday balloon launch with wishes.

Vivian chose a blue balloon with polka dots for Miles. 

I'm sure he loved it.

Vivian loved watching the balloons fly away. 

Her favorite pal, Ralphy even gave Vivi a birthday kiss. 

That's a little Ralphy toy dog in her hands she got for her birthday.

She is in love with it.

But nothing bets the real thing.

Vivian, we love you so much.

You are such a pure joy to have in our family.

You have strengthened us more in the last 7 months than you will ever know.

I'm so sorry you have had to lose your best friend, Miles.

But I know he's always watching over you.

He truly adores you just as we do.

Your strength through this all has been nothing short of amazing.

I know the future holds great things for you.

We love you!

Happy Birthday sweetheart!