Awakened by Death

As we are approaching the Easter season,  I have somehow volunteered myself to teach the Easter lesson on Sunday. My mind and heart seem to be fluttering all around me and full of thoughts, deep emotion I may or may not want to release, and above all love and complete gratitude.

3 ½ years ago I thought I knew my Father in Heaven and my brother Jesus Christ. I knew of them, I read of them, I believed in them. I prayed daily to them multiple times and offered prayers of thanks to them regularly.

But then my life changed in an instant. In literally minutes what I thought I knew, what I thought I understood, what I thought was a strong relationship with them completely changed when my first born son Miles passed through the veil and was welcomed home by them and so many others who had gone before.

I found myself stripped down to my core. It was so raw. I had no strength, no will, no desire left within me. At times I still don’t. Things that seemed to matter to me before, I no longer gave a second thought to anymore. My desires, my appetite and my love for so many things that I had loved previously vanished in an instant. So many loving and kind people offered, and continue to offer, kindness in their words and actions. Each one trying to lift me. Yet I felt more alone than ever in my life, and again at times I still do. No one really knew the thoughts, feelings and complete despair I felt. I barely could understand it myself.

But I knew that my Eternal Father knew. He too gave his first born, his eldest’s, his beloved son to die for each one of us. He willingly sent him down to this mortal world to be mocked, scorned and sacrificed in his name so that each one of us may return to live with him again. I can’t imagine how painful it must have been for him to witness all that our Savior suffered in his life. Yet he loved each one of us enough to allow him to go through so much pain and ridicule because he knew the bigger plan.

Then there is our brother Jesus Christ, the Savior of all mankind. What love he has for each of us. The fact that he lead such a perfect life and literally gave all that he had, even his very own life so that we may return to live in the presence of him and our Eternal Father as an eternal family. To say that I love him and am eternally grateful to him feels so miniscule at his love and sacrifice for me.

It has been through trials, big and small, that I have gained faith, grown in faith, and been changed by faith in my life. But losing my son rocked me to my core. And it was there that I not only found my faith, but it lifted me when I couldn’t lift myself. My faith was tested more than ever before. But it was and is solid. It has literally saved me and continues to save me daily. I have found that while I thought I knew my Savior and my Eternal Father I had only known them like a distant admirer. It was through losing my son, through Miles’ death that I was truly awakened. Yes I was Awakened by Death. No only do I see clearer, but I listened clearer and I know and understand more clearly.

I know that we have an Eternal Father. That he loves each one of us more than we will ever comprehend. I know we that wants us to return to his presence and be an eternal family in celestial glory with him. I know that our beloved brother Jesus Christ is our Savior. That he gave all he had, literally, for each one of us because of his love and devotion for each of us personally. I know that it because of him that we can be forgiven of our short comings and can be encircled by the glorious embrace of our loved ones again and live with them in eternal splendor. And for that I am forever grateful and indebted to them!!!

So Easter is such a special holiday for me. It’s a holiday of love, gratitude, joy and hope. It’s what I cling to daily as I await to hold Miles again in my arms. 3 ½ years ago I would have told you that I lost everything. That nothing mattered anymore. But it was through losing my everything that I gained more than I ever thought. Miles gave me and continues to give me more than I ever realized I had or even knew. Miles gave me and continues to give me more love, gratitude, joy and hope than I ever realized possible. His death woke me from a slumber I didn’t realize I was in and he brought me to KNOW my Savior and Eternal Father in a way I may never had before. And I love him even more for it!!!

Beautiful Heartbreak

I still can't believe it's been three years ago that I last held my son in my arms as he took his last breath of life. If you would have told me that I would have this trial in my life, I would have never believed you. Losing a child was not anything I ever even considered. I had personally not known anyone, or I didn't think I did, that had faced that trial. But now I know that I did know mothers of angels, I just didn't know it. Oh how my world has been opened up in the last three years to others trials.

I was the person who had life all mapped out. A course ahead, a game plan, and a solution to each bump in the road that did or even may come up. Life was great and when it wasn't it was all going to be okay. There wasn't anything we or I couldn't take on with some good hard work and a good attitude. Life was generally good.

Well life threw me the biggest curve ball and it smacked me right in the face and shattered every fiber in me. At least that's how it has felt at times. Yet, even when I felt, and do feel, the most lost, the most shattered and the most darkness I have ever felt I also feel the most love, light and renew sense of hope that I have ever felt. It's the most peculiar, sacred and beautiful thing that I can barely even put into words.

This song described it best! I often have this song on constant repeat and full blast in my house. I love it so much and it truly strengths me! She truly captured my heart in this song!

In the past three years I have fought though things I never thought I could even take on. I may not always win, but I always come out stronger. To say that I am a different person today than I was three years ago is an understatement. Am I completely different? I like to think I still had love, compassion, sympathy and a giving nature, but boy have those things been multiplied a hundred fold!!! My outlook on life has been refocused. My love deeper. My conviction to help so much stronger. My desire to serve others and help lift others is full of determination. I have fought to become this person, and I continue to fight each and every day. I may always have this battle. So am I brokenhearted? YES! Of course I am. How could a mother not be, when she unexpectedly has to say goodbye to her child and expected to continue to live without piece of her, and piece of her heart? But as she sings in this song, it's a beautiful heartbreak. I'm not sure that I'm at the top of my trial yet, but the view I do see from where I am now is so exponentially expanded from where I was before losing Miles. I have not only Miles but both my Savior Jesus Christ and My Eternal Father in Heaven to thank for helping me climb this mountain and see this view. And not just see but see with clearer vision and an open heart that was literally opened more fully by shattering it into pieces.

 (When we left Miles after he took his last breath and we said our goodbyes, we turned around one last time and found him giving us a thumbs up. We always did that as a family. It truly touched our hearts!!!)

So as I continue up this mountain, with both smooth trails and rocky trails, I have faith that my view from the top is going to be more grand than I can imagine. But I know that it's work to get that point, and sometimes painful work. But I'm here now, I'm not giving up, and I'm up for the hike. Besides I have one of the cutest, loving and tender angels that I know by name, Miles, giving me a thumbs up and so much more as I journey ahead. I truly love you more than you know Buddy!!! I'm holding on until Eternity and when I see you again, I'm NEVER letting go!!!

We Aren't Alone

Today is another hard day of three this time of year. I can't believe another year has come and gone. I am filled with so many thoughts, feelings and emotions I just don't even know how to deal with them all. I can't actually! It's another day of reflecting on really great memories, conversations and morning snuggles so long ago, but tainted with hard memories as well. They are all so fresh to me. If only I could travel back to that day three years ago, even for just a minute. To feel true happiness and joy again that isn't tainted by loss. To hear Miles' voice again. To feel his touch and smell his sweetness again. Oh what I would give for those little things right now!

As I reflect on that day three years ago I think the hardest thing for me to wrap my mind around is how we go from such great moments like this, the easy going morning, jumping on the bed and giggling the morning away.

To hours later being driven through the beautiful fall colors of the mountains in nothing but my wet swim suite and a cover up to the hospital only to arrive and find my son hooked up to every possible machine I could imagine. To never see his eyes open again, or hear his sweet voice one last time. I still can't wrap my mind and heart around it all.

I remember vividly so many details from that day and his accident. Most of all I remember thinking as I yelled to my husband "Mark, you have to help Miles," that this is not really happening. As I handed Vivian off to my sister in law for her to take away from the chaos around Miles, I remember being worried about the little cousins around. I vividly remember walking to each of them trying to comfort them and let them each know that everything was going to be okay. I was lost. It was as though I was not in my own body, and I remember a voice telling me "to wake up, this is real, this is really happening, you need to be present in this moment." But I could hardly bare the scene of my husband and then others performing CPR on our own son. It hurt more than anything to watch as I finally realized that I needed to be in that moment. So I sat still, holding his hand, just hoping for a miracle.

I will never forget the two ladies, whom I have never meet, and still don't know their faces, as they wrapped me in a blanket, hugged me and prayed out loud over and over for my son. I was so frozen in a place I still don't know. But hearing them speak of God is exactly what my soul needed. I needed God more than anything right then. We all did, especially Miles. I then realized that Miles was on his way to God at that moment. So I yelled to him over and over "Miles come back. Come back to me. Don't leave me. You have to come back to me. I need you here with me Buddy." But I think he was already speaking with God on the other side, and was torn as to where he should be.

For two LONG days Mark and I spent every second by Miles' side in the hospital. We made sure he was never alone as he fought hard at life. It never really seemed real to me. Crazy I know, but it didn't. I felt like I was just numbly going through each minute in each hour. I had no concept of time, whereabouts or others around me. I only knew his room, his nurses and his doctors. That's all I could focus on.

But it was the second night I remember coming back from the cafeteria, where we literally ate nothing. We just had to leave his room for staff changes for the hour. Just as we were making our way back into the PICU a couple I didn't even see asked if we were with the Kelly Family. Mark and I stopped in our tracks, door halfway open. I couldn't help but wonder who they were. How did they even know our last name? They asked how the little Kelly boy was doing and if we knew if he was okay. I looked up at them, and told them we were his parents, and that it was looking as though we were going to be facing a very hard decision to let him go the following day if things didn't change in the night. They expressed their deepest sympathy as they said they had been praying for him and us.

Just then I wondered why they were in the PICU waiting room. As I asked, they said their daughter was there fighting a brain issue, but that she had had a miracle happen and was doing very well. In fact they were leaving the PICU in the morning. Our conversation was brief, heartfelt and we connected as parents holding out hope for our children. It was after that moment that I found myself walking back to Miles' room and realizing how many rooms were in that department, and realizing how many were occupied. I never even noticed any of them before. My heart was full thinking of each of the children and their families holding out hope and fighting for one more day in that department. It was then I realized we weren't alone in our trials. Often we feel as though we are the only ones facing hardship, and we can't do it. But in that moment I realized we aren't alone. We are all fighting hard at an unexpected trial at times in our lives. (If you haven't yet, I'm sorry to tell you that one day you will be.) Some trials are harder than other, but none the less each one is hard for us. We need all the love and support we can get from those around us, even strangers. There truly is lifting power in prayers for others. I know, I have felt them and continue to as many of you are so kind to continue to pray for our family. And for that lifting power and support you have given us, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It has seen me through some of the hardest and darkest of times!

Guest Blogger- The Sullenger's

Today I am honored to be a guest blogger on Ashely Sullenger's blog.

Ashley is an Angel Mom who lost her sweet little Preslee three years ago.

She has been so kind to reach out to me in times of need and she has helped offer new perspectives to my aching heart while simultaneously understanding my unspoken pain.

I now belong to a unique and difficult club of child loss with these Angel Moms.

It's not a club I wanted to ever be a part of, but one that I am 

honored to be friends with such amazing people.

I'm so grateful for each one of them and for their strength, example and love.

Click here to read.

Looking Back and Heading Forward

2012 is a year that I can never forget.
It has brought so much joy, love, blessings, memories and certainly trials.
It's definitely been a year of growth in more ways than I would have ever thought.

How do I even sum up my feelings and thoughts about this past year?
I can't tell you how many posts I have composed as I lay down to bed each night.
Yet my fingers have yet to make it to the computer.

I'm not really sure how to put into words that adequately describe my thoughts and feelings each day.
As my heart is still so tender, frail and raw the thought of any harsh comment is completely unbearable.
Yet, I find myself in awe of all the love, support and care that so many family members, friends, acquaintances and even strangers have offered our family.
How can I ever thank each one of you properly for all your love and support?
It's overwhelming and beautiful.
Thank you!
We appreciate it and continue to need it each day.

It's hard for me to grasp reality right now.
My new reality and even my old.
Some of you know and understand when I say that I feel as though my life is standing still.
Yet I know it's not, because I watch everyone around me moving about life each day.
But in comparison to life around me my life seems to be moving at a snail's pace.
I feel trapped in the past, yet the world is calling me to the present.
Where exactly do I belong?
Who am I now?
I'm certainly not the same person I was 2 and half months ago.
Yet, somewhere deep inside I know I still exist.
How does the new me and old me co-exist?
I am trying to figure this out each day, and it's a challenge.

Only in my dreams, when I am lucky to have my whole family together, do I feel complete and whole again.
Like the real mother of two that I am.
But even those nights are not as often as I wish.
I pray for those nights.
Nights the four of us are together again.
Those are the best nights.
The reality that I long for.

As my new reality is trying to catch up with me and move into 2013 I know it's not going to be an easy year.
However, I do look forward with faith, hope and knowledge that this year will bring more joy, love, blessings, memories and yes even trials.
But I know that with and through my Heavenly Father, my Savior Jesus Christ, the companionship of the Comforter along with the knowledge of the gospel that is burning deeper in my heart each day that I will find myself this year. That I can and will endure this difficult trial of losing Miles in this mortal world as well as any others that may come my way.

This song, Where He Leads Me, sums feelings and hope best.

I can hear my Savior calling.
I can hear my Savior calling.
I can hear my Savior calling.
I'll go with him, with him, all the way.

Where he leads me I will follow.
Where he leads me I will follow.
Where he leads me I will follow.
I'll go with him, with him, all the way.

I'll go with him through the garden.
I'll go with him through the garden.
I'll go with him through the garden.
I'll go with him, with him, all the way.

Where he leads me I will follow.
Where he leads me I will follow.
Where he leads me I will follow.
I'll go with him, with him, all the way.

He will give me grace and glory.
He will give me grace and glory.
He will give me grace and glory.
And go with me, with me, all the way.

I'll go with him, with him, all the way.

I look forward to 2013 with hope, joy and faith that I may serve others. Share with others the kindness and love that is shown to me and my family. To live my life as an example for those I am around, my family and yes even myself as I search for me.

I wish you all the best in this new year. May we each find ourselves in this new year.