Memory Rocks

We have set out on a few hikes again.

We love taking the kids hiking.

They love exploring, finding sticks and rocks and just experiencing nature.

Vivian and Clara wear their I love Miles shirts.

Aren't they so cute?!

Miles LOVED hiking!

He asked to do it everyday.

He was amazing at it!

It's not the same hiking without that little guy.

He would talk a hundred miles a minute the entire time.

He was just so excited.

But Vivian doesn't allow much silence to pass herself.

She's a pretty good hiker herself. 

I love this picture of Mark and Vivian.

When I took this picture my mind immediately went back to this day

click here and I giggled a little thinking about it.

I love this picture of Miles.

The way he is surrounded by the rays of the sunlight.

It's magical.

I'm sure he glows even more than this now, that angel boy of ours.

The kids have a hiking tradition of bringing home a rock from each hike.

We keep them in special places outside our house.

After Miles passed I cleaned his collection and wrote his name on each rock that he chose so carefully.

His collection now sits next to my stove with a picture of him.

(Which doing this post, I'm thinking I will change the framed picture next to his collection to the one of him reaching for the sun while hiking.)

I love looking at them each day!

Thanks buddy for the lasting memories you collected for us.

We cherish each one.

Vivian has now started her own collection.

I can't wait to see it grow.

Too Complicated for Two

 While in Idaho last weekend we went to visit Miles' transformation place, aka his grave.

We told Vivian we were going to see Miles at his grave.

She was so excited. Her eyes were beaming.

She began telling us all the things she wanted to tell him.

She wanted to tell him about Papa's four wheeler, that she likes pink, about jumping on the trampoline and she wanted to show him her cut on her finger.

When we got to the cemetery she ran out of the car yelling his name with so much excitement.

Mark was sitting down by his headstone and called her over.

He said "Vivian come say hi to Miles."

Vivian just looked at Mark and said "No....I want to see Miles."

Mark again called her over saying "Vivian this is Miles grave, come say hi to your brother."

Vivian just looked at us confused and said "No, I want to see Miles. I want to see Miles grave."

We both stood there as our eyes flooded and the rivers began streaming down our cheeks.

Mark and I looked at one another and tried to figure out how to explain this to her.

How do you tell a two year old that her brother is buried deep in the ground?

We didn't want her to freak out and start digging away at the ground in search of him.

(Although there are times I have thought of doing this myself.)

Meanwhile she kept asking where Miles was.

So I told her that we put Miles in a very special and beautiful bed, and that he is sleeping in that bed down in the ground. 

I told her that he would be sleeping for a long time, but that one day he will wake up. 

That when he wakes up our family will all be together again and it will be such a wonderful day. 

And that on that day we will all hug and kiss and have so much fun together.

It will be a day of laughter, fun and full of so much love.

It seemed to help to point out the little boy holding Jesus' hand etched on his headstone.

We have this same picture hanging up in our home, and the little boy looks so much like Miles.

Vivian thinks it's Miles with Jesus.

We always tell her that Miles lives with Jesus now.

I'm so glad she was able to make that connection and in some way it brought her some peace.

I'm not sure what and how much she understood or even understands about any of this new life of ours.

But she then began talking to Miles and showed him her cut on her finger.

Then she went over under a large pine tree and began picking up pine cones for Miles.

Both of them love gathering pine cones, sticks and rocks wherever we go.

She placed one very carefully on his headstone for him.

It was such a tender moment.

Oh how I wonder what goes on in Vivian's mind.

What does she think of all this?

It seems as though she understands but doesn't understand at all.

But I feel the same way a lot.

Is so complicated for a two year old, or anyone for that matter at times.

It was Clara's first visit to Miles' transformation place.

I'm sure she already knows Miles.

Although they haven't met in this physical world, I know that they have met. 

That their spirits know one another and that Miles is an angel watching over her and all our children.

But it was surreal seeing her sitting by his headstone.

Our visit was very beautiful but very heartbreaking at the same time.

This is a small part of our complicated new lives.

I've since realized that one day I have to tell my sweet children what happened to their big brother.

That's going to be a really hard day.

What will they think?

I hope they don't get mad at me or think I'm a bad parent.

I'm not looking forward to that day. Too complicated.

Catching Frogs

While visiting Idaho we decided to go to the river bottoms to try catching some frogs.

Mark and my brother were like little kids again.

They had so much fun.

\

Vivian of course adored it. 

She loves slimy, creepy and unusual animals. 

Vivian even kissed the frog.

Nope...no prince.

Yuck!

We caught a bunch, including this huge one.

Way to go Mark on getting the big one.

We released them all back into the pond.

I mean really, what would we do with frogs? 

Vivian and Amy found a caterpillar.

Vivi let the thing crawl all over her.

She truly has no fear of animals. 

Vivian also feel in love with the four wheeler this weekend!

We could not get her off it!

She was even a sport wearing these safety glasses 

to keep the bugs out of her eyes on longer rides.

We had so much fun over the weekend.

I kept thinking the whole time how much Miles would have loved it.

At times I felt him close, as though he was laughing along side us.

I love those moments!

Daddy Time

Vivian is in love with her dad.

He works a lot lately, and really long hours.

It's a treat to have him home at night.

Or at all sometimes for that matter.

So Vivian soaks up any time she can with him.

Reading books is always a favorite pass time.
Both of our kids have loved to read books together.

Our kids seem to nestle right into the comfort of their father.
Looks comfy right!

I love watching Mark with the kids.
I could watch them for hours.

Thanks Mark for being such a great dad and spending time with our children!
We all love you so much!

Lagoon 2013

Saturday we went to Lagoon.
We were so excited to take Vivian because we knew she would LOVE it.

The whole drive there we were talking it up to her.
But Mark and I kept remembering and talking about how just a year ago we took both kids.
(I never did get around to posting about it, due too so many adventures last summer.)
Mark and I were both glad to be going as a family, even if it wasn't our complete family.

Just as we were in line at the gates, my public mask seemed to slip off.
I was overcome with so many emotions and I couldn't hold back the tears any longer.
I started crying so hard that I couldn't even hand the ticket lady my ticket.
I couldn't believe it. I don't normally allow myself to do that.
Usually when we are out in public I am able to burry my emotions pretty deep.
I have to do this so they don't take over.
It's a sort of self medicating numbness if you will to protect myself and others from all the emotions.
Thus why it's called wearing a mask.
It shields others and even ourselves from all the emotions we are truly experiencing within.
But mine seemed to have slipped off without me realizing it.

As we walked into the park, I was excited to be there with Vivian.
To experience all the new thrills and joy she would experience on each ride.
But my heart also ached knowing how much Miles would have loved it too.
Knowing that just a year ago our family was all together experiencing Lagoon together.
I couldn't help but think how Miles would have been running from each ride, asking to do it again.
I was already missing hearing his joyful laugh as he would get on and off each ride.
It also broke my heart knowing that Vivian wouldn't be riding any of the rides with her buddy, Miles.

(Miles and Vivian just a year ago on their favorite ride together.)

After we got through the gates we paused for a moment.
I had to gather myself together.
So I forced my mask back on and we ventured out.

Of course the first ride we came to, was the one that both Miles and Vivian adored last year.

Again I was overcome with emotion. My mask was slipping off again.

As Mark and Vivian waited in line, as I chocked back more tears.

Then I pulled myself together, for the second time, as Mark strapped her in.

I was determined to make it a wonderful day for our family.

Here are some favorite highlights.

the boats 

of course the whales (we rode this ride a ton) 

the train 

she loved seeing the animals on the train ride of course 

the cars

It was a wonderful day.
A hard day at times, but wonderful none the less.
I'm so grateful for the memories we have of Miles and Vivian last year at Lagoon.
I'm equally grateful for the new memories we made with Vivian there on Saturday.

The poor girl only lasted 2 1/2 hours, which was pretty good I thought, until she was wiped out.
She didn't even make it out of the amusement park awake.
She had a blast!
Should we make it back next year she'll have a little sister to ride with.
What great memories those will be too.

Memorial Day 2013

For Memorial Day this year we weren't able to go out of town to be at 

Miles' grave due to work schedules.

So we dedicated the day to do some of Miles' favorite things.

We started the day off up in Big Cottonwood Canyon at one of Miles' favorite places, Silver Lake.

Our family has always enjoyed going to Silver Lake.

In fact a week and half before Miles' passed we went up there 3 times in less than a week's time.

Our very last family photo was taken there. But that's another post.

We love it there!

Then we ate lunch outside and fed the birds.

After a nice lunch we went to Miles' favorite indoor bounce houses, Kangaroo Zoo.

Oh man did he love this place!

His personality really came out when we would go there.

In fact the month before he passed he incessantly kept asking to go there.

Mark and I really wish we would have taken him!

(I know it's blurry, but you can still see the fear on her face.)

Vivian was frightened by the place at first.

I don't blame her, those blow up things are huge and could be scary with 

all the dragons and such on them.

But after a couple attempts, and dad getting in with her, she was hooked. 

She even went down the huge slides all by herself. She's a brave one.

Just like Miles!

We came home and finished the night off with some popcorn.

Miles' favorite!

I was always amazed at just how much popcorn that kid could eat.

My good friend gave me this sweet bracelet with a picture of me and Miles'.

On the back side it says Miles.

I love it!!!

The amazing thing is, she gave it to me on Sunday, Memorial weekend.

This photo was taken on Saturday of last year's Memorial weekend.

She had no idea, but her timing was perfect.

I made sure to wear it all weekend and in our own way take Miles with us on our adventures.

It felt so good to look down at his smiling face all throughout the day!

Thanks Cindy!

Although we didn't get to go to Miles' grave, the day really was so nice.

We felt it was just what Miles' would have wanted us to do.

We love you Miles! 

You are forever in our minds, thoughts and most of all our hearts.

Till we meet again son.

Zoo Trip

Mark didn't have to work until later in the afternoon.

So we thought we would take advantage of a beautiful morning and take Vivi to one of her favorite places....the zoo.

Have I ever told you how much of an animal lover Vivian is.

She can't get enough of animals.

Any animal.

Nor have we met an animal that she is afraid of.

We have to keep a close eye on this girl around animals.

So Vivian and I grabbed our hats and we headed to Hogle Zoo.

We have found it's best to go in the early morning.

All the animals are up, eating and playful.

Plus it's not too hot yet.

It's perfect. 

One of Vivi's favorites are the sea lions.

She talks about them swimming in the water to everyone we meet. 

The zoo was giving out animal hats to all the children.

Vivi chose the elephant.

It cracks me up. 

You can't go to Hogle Zoo without riding their amazing carousel!

It's always been a family favorite of ours. 

We were lucky to see the first showing of the year of the bird show.

We saw it last year with the kids as well.

Miles loved it.

Vivian was fascinated.

This bird flew right over our heads.

Along with a few others.

If you are ever at the zoo to see the show we recommend it!

What a great morning with the family.

I think we will do this a couple more times before the baby comes.

Look who's Two!

Our little red head is now two years old.

When did she grow up?

Lately I have been noticing that she looks so much bigger.

We celebrated her birthday while at my parent's house in Idaho.

All she wanted for her birthday were pink cupcakes.

So pink cupcakes it was. 

We did our birthday balloon launch with wishes.

Vivian chose a blue balloon with polka dots for Miles. 

I'm sure he loved it.

Vivian loved watching the balloons fly away. 

Her favorite pal, Ralphy even gave Vivi a birthday kiss. 

That's a little Ralphy toy dog in her hands she got for her birthday.

She is in love with it.

But nothing bets the real thing.

Vivian, we love you so much.

You are such a pure joy to have in our family.

You have strengthened us more in the last 7 months than you will ever know.

I'm so sorry you have had to lose your best friend, Miles.

But I know he's always watching over you.

He truly adores you just as we do.

Your strength through this all has been nothing short of amazing.

I know the future holds great things for you.

We love you!

Happy Birthday sweetheart!

Birthday Man

Sunday was Mark's birthday.

We were in Idaho so we celebrated it at my parent's house.

Mark spent the early afternoon shooting off a bunch of rounds with Mike's new fancy guns.

Mike said they help to relieve stress.

I shot a few rounds.

Mike- I think I may have a little more stress than shooting these at dirt hills will release.

But thanks for letting me try anyway. 

Best gift was from Vivian.

A Hulk figurine.

For some strange reason Vivi thinks that the green hulk is Mark.

She calls him the "Daddy Guy."

Can you see the resemblance?

I have yet to figure this one out.

I tell Mark maybe he should feel flattered that his little girl thinks of his as so big and strong.

Just maybe not the green part.

The whole thing is just really funny to me!

We capped the night off with some coconut cream pie.

With more than enough whipped topping.

Happy Birthday Mark (aka The Hulk).

We love you!

dad

Mark is such a great dad!

we couldn't ask for a better dad for us!

 Vivi adores Mark!

when he comes home her arms are waving with excitement 

and she immediately goes in for a head bonk

these two are the best of friends

they play so well together

Miles looks up to Mark so much!

thanks for being such a great dad Mark!

We love you so much!