Beautiful Heartbreak

I still can't believe it's been three years ago that I last held my son in my arms as he took his last breath of life. If you would have told me that I would have this trial in my life, I would have never believed you. Losing a child was not anything I ever even considered. I had personally not known anyone, or I didn't think I did, that had faced that trial. But now I know that I did know mothers of angels, I just didn't know it. Oh how my world has been opened up in the last three years to others trials.

I was the person who had life all mapped out. A course ahead, a game plan, and a solution to each bump in the road that did or even may come up. Life was great and when it wasn't it was all going to be okay. There wasn't anything we or I couldn't take on with some good hard work and a good attitude. Life was generally good.

Well life threw me the biggest curve ball and it smacked me right in the face and shattered every fiber in me. At least that's how it has felt at times. Yet, even when I felt, and do feel, the most lost, the most shattered and the most darkness I have ever felt I also feel the most love, light and renew sense of hope that I have ever felt. It's the most peculiar, sacred and beautiful thing that I can barely even put into words.

This song described it best! I often have this song on constant repeat and full blast in my house. I love it so much and it truly strengths me! She truly captured my heart in this song!

In the past three years I have fought though things I never thought I could even take on. I may not always win, but I always come out stronger. To say that I am a different person today than I was three years ago is an understatement. Am I completely different? I like to think I still had love, compassion, sympathy and a giving nature, but boy have those things been multiplied a hundred fold!!! My outlook on life has been refocused. My love deeper. My conviction to help so much stronger. My desire to serve others and help lift others is full of determination. I have fought to become this person, and I continue to fight each and every day. I may always have this battle. So am I brokenhearted? YES! Of course I am. How could a mother not be, when she unexpectedly has to say goodbye to her child and expected to continue to live without piece of her, and piece of her heart? But as she sings in this song, it's a beautiful heartbreak. I'm not sure that I'm at the top of my trial yet, but the view I do see from where I am now is so exponentially expanded from where I was before losing Miles. I have not only Miles but both my Savior Jesus Christ and My Eternal Father in Heaven to thank for helping me climb this mountain and see this view. And not just see but see with clearer vision and an open heart that was literally opened more fully by shattering it into pieces.

 (When we left Miles after he took his last breath and we said our goodbyes, we turned around one last time and found him giving us a thumbs up. We always did that as a family. It truly touched our hearts!!!)

So as I continue up this mountain, with both smooth trails and rocky trails, I have faith that my view from the top is going to be more grand than I can imagine. But I know that it's work to get that point, and sometimes painful work. But I'm here now, I'm not giving up, and I'm up for the hike. Besides I have one of the cutest, loving and tender angels that I know by name, Miles, giving me a thumbs up and so much more as I journey ahead. I truly love you more than you know Buddy!!! I'm holding on until Eternity and when I see you again, I'm NEVER letting go!!!

Showering in Tears

The past week and a half I have been not just crying, but sobbing and truly bawling again. I haven't allowed myself to really cry like this in well over a year. I feel as though it's all bottled up and now I can't keep it in. But, I try not to let the girls see me when I'm really bad. I tend to let it out in the shower. There is just something about taking a long hot shower and letting it all out. I'm finding myself allowing myself to truly break down in those moments. Holding onto the walls for support and strength that I just can't muster up myself. There are times it's hard to tell if the water is actually from the shower or if I am the one filling the shower walls with my tears.

Tonight as I took yet another LONG shower of tears, my mind and heart kept reflecting on my last night with Miles' here on this Earth. These are just a few of the pictures we captured from that night's adventures with family.

We roasted homemade marshmallows outside in the crisp fall air with all our cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents. Miles roasted like five or six that night, but barely ate one. Poor Mark and Vivian were on a sugar high from all his roasted marshmallows.

 But honestly little Vivian loved it! (I can't believe how tiny she is.)

And oh how the kids loved bathing in the GIANT tub in our room. They had never seen such an enormous tub before. I think they thought it was their own personal swim pool in our room. They bathed in there for forever! And giggled the entire time! They both loved bath time together.

These are just a few of the moments replaying in my mind and heart tonight as I reflect on this night three very LONG and SHORT years ago.

Then I remembered this post about that night. (click here)
I honestly can't tell you what a sacred night that was for me. I truly feel as though the spirit was speaking to my heart and soul that night. I will NEVER forget that sleepless night. It's still so fresh in my soul and burned into my heart. It's funny I didn't sleep at all that night, yet I wasn't exhausted at all.

Then as I read over that post I'm thinking how interesting it is that I posted about our news of expecting Clara, and here I find myself about ready to have another baby girl within the next two weeks. Oh how interesting God's timing is in life. I have learned I have no control, but he is in control and one day I will know his reason for his timing and trials. So here's to another sleepless night. Oh how I pray to dream of Miles tonight!

How To Help A Grieving Parent

 Okay, it's been a bit since I've blogged. We bought a new but old house, and I feel fall coming, so I've been throwing all my stress and anxiety into paint brushes, rollers, wallpaper scraping and so much more. But it's taking a toll on this 31 week pregnant body.

I've had a lot on my mind lately. It's been so interesting because I have recently had so many people reach out to me asking me how they can help a dear friend who has just lost a child. First, let me say that it breaks my heart into pieces for each of the families I learn of. Second, I'm honored that people would even think to ask me how they can help. Third, there really are good, no amazing people out there who just want to help but feel so helpless. (I'm sure many of our family and friends have felt this same way for us. They want to help, but just truly don't know what to do.)

Now I know that everyone grieves in different ways, and every loss is a different case. So I ask you to just really think, ponder and pray about what you can do for those you know who are struggling through this crazy, long and sometimes dark path of child loss.

Here are the suggestions I have found I have been giving as of late, in no particular order:

- Just be there. Let them know you are there if they ever want to talk. They might not, and if they are like me won't want to for awhile. But randomly things would and do come up for me in the middle of conversations and I would open up just a little from time to time. So just wait patiently, expecting nothing, but be prepared to just listen when those moment happen.

- Send cards in the mail. A few dear friends were so kind to send little notes of "Just Thinking of You" cards randomly. Each one lifted my heart, made me cry and made me feel so loved and remembered. Send them when you feel inspired, and even months and years later. Each one truly touched my heart, and I have seriously kept each and every single one! I have a special box they go in.

- Send little messages on Facebook, email or text. Again each one means the world to me, and again I have kept every single one. But don't expect a response, they responded in their hearts immediately. Just know that they received it, and they were touched by your thoughtfulness. (But don't be too overbearing with these messages either. Give them some breathing room too.)

- Call once in awhile. Just a little check in. They may not answer, but that's okay. They may be having a rough day. Just leave a message. And should they answer, all you need to say is "I was thinking of you today." That's really all that needs to be said. If they do want to talk, just listen, even if it's silent for a bit. And it's okay if they are crying on the other end. Crying is a daily thing in their new journey of grief.

- Give them a book. We have had so many books given to us that have truly been so healing. In fact we call them our "Healing Books." Here is our reading list (click here).

- Drop a big package, or have one delivered of tissues with a note "Just want you to know we love you and are thinking of you." There will never be too many tissues on hand at their house to catch those falling tears. (I personally give hand embroidered handkerchiefs now to those I meet or hear about. I carry a special one my grandmother gave me before she passed everywhere with me. It's my way of saying I know you are going to cry, I know this road is hard but you are loved and thought of in those moments.)

- Have a necklace or bracelet made for them with their child's name or initials on it. Anything they can wear, even shirts for them or their living children with their child's name is a treasure for sure! I rarely go a day without wearing a special piece given to me by dear ones reminding me of Miles.

- Make dinner, or if you live far away have pizza or something delivered. People don't really know this but I didn't really cook much of anything for over a year after Miles passed. Cooking and grocery shopping were absolute torture!!!! We cook and shop for our children and their needs in mind. So doing this was just a constant stab to the heart. Some dear friends even made us two weeks worth of meals in a bag, that were life savers for us. Oh and another angel mom stocked my fridge when I had Clara, that was such a blessing!

- Give the gift of soft and uplifting music. Losing a child is such a life changing event. The last thing Mark and I wanted was to fill our home and hearts with things that were loud that felt so cruel and unimportant. In fact Mark just barely listened to the radio for the first time this past month. We mostly try and have uplifting and classical music in the home.

-The most important thing of any is remember their child. Speak their child's name. Help them remember those everyday moments you witnessed and cherished with their child too. These are more precious than gold and silver to a grieving parent. When you speak their name and remember moments with them, they are going to cry, but that's okay. It's the fact that you loved their child and remember them that is bringing tears to their eyes. Remember their child's birthdays and milestones they would be having too. The hardest part about losing a child is watching everyone elses lives move on and move forward while you are frozen and even stuck in two worlds now. One that you held that beautiful child and people knew their face, their smile, their laugh; a world that now feels like the best dream ever. While the other is the world cruelly moving forward, changing and growing without your child physically there that people don't see or know your child anymore.

For Mark and I we have experienced two sides of reactions of others. Those who don't know what to say and or do, and so they avoid us like an awful plague. This is more hurtful than anything! And then there are those who don't know what to say, and maybe say the wrong thing. But that's okay, because neither Mark nor I can imagine how it must be to want to help so much, but not know what to do. So we don't hold anger or judgement towards things maybe misunderstood. We both personally feel that it's better to say "I love you and I have no words to express my true sadness and ache for you" rather than say nothing at all.

Again, I know every person grieves differently. So some of these things may not be helpful. But I hope and pray that maybe there is one thing on this list that may help you help another grieving parent. More than anything just show them tender and true love. They need all the love they can feel in their lives for a long time, not just weeks or month after. Be thoughtful and considerate as you think about how you can help another. And can I just say from those of us who have been lifted by your kind acts of love, THANK YOU! Each and every message, card, text, gift, flower sent and hug given has truly been appreciated!!!

A Day I Have DREADED For Years

 

 (Vivian wearing the raincoat we had bought for Miles to wear at this age, but never got the chance.)

Today is a day that Mark and I have literally dreaded for years. Today marks the day that our sweet Vivian will be older than her older brother Miles on this Earth. How is that even possible? Older than your older brother? No parent should know a date or milestone like that. Over the past month my mind and heart have been fighting the fact that this day really would become a reality. Yet here I am slapped in the face with another milestone in life and this long journey of grief that I would rather not ever know.

It was two and half years ago that I took this picture of Miles and Vivian after snuggling them in bed for the last time ever. If only I would have known. I never would have allowed anyone to leave this bed. In this picture Miles and Vivian are now the exact same age as of today. I just still can't believe it.

Over the last month we have already experienced many firsts with Vivian. It's been both exciting and very bittersweet. She has lost her first tooth. Thus the Tooth Fairy has now made an appearance at the Kelly house. On her fourth birthday Vivian decided it was time to ditch the Strider bike of Miles' and ride a big girl bike without training wheels. This took only one try. It was incredible to watch. She is pushing and exploring her independence daily and that in itself is very interesting for me as a mother.

I've literally tried to focus my attention on Vivian and truly enjoy each moment with her over the past month. I can't help but think of her brother at this age as I hold her and hug her each day. To remember what it was like to hold my sweet boy at that age and feel his awesome hugs with his arms wrapped so tight around my neck. Vivian doesn't quite hug as strong and as intense as he did, and oh how I miss his hugs! But I find myself starring at Vivian's feet and hands remembering Miles' sweet little body and how much I miss every inch of it!

So here we go forward, time ticking away, reminding me each day that life is moving forward, even if my mind and heart still can't grab a hold of this concept, as I'm stuck in a frozen yet ever aging life. Yet I am trying to appreciate all the new adventures in our lives as I see my girls so happy as they grow. Both girls are so sweet to always remember and even include Miles in their thoughts, words and hearts each day. He may not have been here physically to lose a tooth, to ride a two wheel bike and many more things, yet we feel him close with us, cheering us on and watching over us in the most special ways. It truly is a sacred and beautiful thing.

Hand Prints On My Heart

Oh how my hearts has been missing Utah lately. I miss so much our memories there, the majesty of the mountains we often hiked as a family, all our family spots there, our family, our friends and all our adventures. I miss it all so much lately. I miss being surrounded by those who know my whole family and each of their faces and sweet voices. 

This last week I found myself on a cold evening cooking dinner for my family. As I looked out the window I noticed that it had steamed up from all the heat from the stove. It was strange I found myself staring at that fogged up window looking for little handprints and fingerprints smothering my window. My mind and heart immediately went back to our old living room window, covered in dirty little hand prints of Miles'. Oh how I miss seeing those hand prints!! My mind then went back to this post about that very window. Click Here.

As I read through this old post I wrote almost two years ago (could it really be that long ago?). I realized I needed to read this again. I needed this reminder that everyone has a struggle and those struggles are real. That I am not anyone to judge or speak ill of those who are trying so hard to be better, because we all are trying to be better in our own way. It might not be the way you or I would approach a problem but they are trying the best they can to carry the load they are faced with.

I then also realized another thing when I gazed at that foggy window and and longed for those hand prints to appear again. I realized that although no one around me now knows my son or knows his sweet smile and his gentle and kind personality, that although they don't see his hand prints on my window, it doesn't matter. Because I carry him and his hand prints all over my heart and soul. He is with me each and everyday, whether I feel him or not. And because I carry him with me, others do feel him. Many have told me they do. And that is more powerful and sacred to me than any dirty window covered in they physical proof that my son lived. Each of my children has marked my heart with their tiny hands and spirits and I will carry that with me for the rest of my life. What more could a mother ask for?

Miracles

 Lately Miracles has been a topic Mark and I have been discussing for a couple months now. It all started when Mark was giving a Sunday School lesson on miracles. We discussed the topic in great detail one night and talked specifically about ours. But since this time I have been trying to keep my eyes and heart more open and aware of the miracles around me. Both mine and others. Miracles are real and they continue to exist today! I see them everywhere!

Since then I have noticed my social media feeds flooded with miracles. I find myself so grateful for each miracle. Even for those people I don't know very well. Miracles are an amazing blessing for many! They bless both the lives of those who experience them first hand as well as those who witness them.

What is a miracle? There are many definitions but the one that speaks to me is this "a beneficial event brought about through divine power that mortals do not understand and of themselves cannot duplicate."

This past week our extended family has witnessed true miracles and is continuing to see them. Although Mark and I are not the direct recipients of them, our hearts are full and in aware of the love of so many specifically our Father in Heaven. As I said these miracles are a blessing to us as we are bystanders of their power for our family members needing these amazing blessings at this time.

When Mark and I were discussing our blessings and trials late into the night a couple months ago our hearts were immediately turned back to those long days and night in the hospital with Miles. As our sons fragile body fought so hard for life, we could feel his spirit torn between two different worlds. My heart truly ached as I felt his heart so torn. The feeling of his torn struggle was overwhelmingly strong, that neither Mark nor I could deny the feelings.

I'm not sure I have ever received more priesthood blessings as I did over those few days. Mark too administered many of these sacred blessings to our son. My knees and heart hurt from constantly praying and pleading with my Father in Heaven for my sons return. Yet it just never felt right. I remember escorting visitors back and forth to visit Miles and each time I knew in my heart I was taking them to say their goodbyes, whether they knew it or not. Yet my mind and heart did not want to accept this truth.

Mark and I finally accepted that our son had a greater mission before him. One that he wanted so badly to accept, yet was so torn and hurt to leave us for. It was then that we told our son that it was okay to leave us. That if he wanted to, he needed to accept his new calling and move forward without us. I remember whispering these things to him softly with my cheek next to his. I then told him that I loved him more than words could express. That although I would miss him dearly, that I understood how torn he was and that I wouldn't be mad at him for going.

Since then I have at times wondered if I prayed hard enough for the miracle I wanted so badly. For my son to be healed. For him to open his eyes and hug me again. For me to bring him home and snuggle him each and every day. Did I pray enough? Did I truly plead enough? Did I not have enough faith? There are time I have wondered these things. But as Mark and I discussed miracles late that evening it finally came to me. Maybe our miracle was that the miracle didn't happen.

I'm not truly sure what that means completely. I understand it in a way that maybe you won't. But I know this was the answer that I have been seeking for, for a couple years now. I also know that Miracles do happen and they happen daily! Miracles come in both very large and very small ways. But miracles aren't always what we think they are and they don't always happen as we want them to happen or when we want them to happen. With that being said I'm grateful for all the miracles that have and continue to happen in my life and for those I witness in others, even you, because they truly do strengthen me and my faith daily.

"Often miracles are happening right in front of our eyes...but we think they should look different, so we miss them though they're right there."- Marianne Williamson.

Kindness Is Key To Happiness

Lately I have been really struggling. Struggling and crawling my way through life with a very unwelcome companion who will always haunt me....depression. Yes I am admitting it, and I'm sure you are not surprised. I'm not. Yet I always seem to be fighting it at the most unusual times. It's funny how I don't always recognize it for awhile and I just get really down on myself. Then I finally realize that I'm not crazy, I'm a mother who lost her first born child suddenly and unexpectidly. Then I am expected to just pick up and continue living. So of course I am going to fight depression. It's natural and to be expected I think....I hope.

Thus I really haven't blogged much. I just don't have words for how I am feeling.  Nor have I let myself explore my feeling and thoughts as of late. I'm just coping at this point. But it's hard, I'm super emotional...crying at commercials, being super sensitive to every little, tiny thing said or done to me by every.single.person I come in contact with. It's exhausting really. Then I sit there and judge myself and am super critical of myself and all my short falls, interactions with others and more. I'm sort of over it to be honest. So I admit here and to you.

I think in many ways each and every one of us struggles with some sort of depression at times in our lives. How can we not in this super critical society full of so much social pressure? Why do we do this to not just others but ourselves? It's not healthy for anyone! As hard as I try to separate myself from social pressures it's all around us each and every day. It creeps into our lives as a demon through our phones, computers, tv's, magazines, radios and more. It's everywhere!

But I have to say that last night as I was looking through my email trying to find a document sent to me awhile ago I found myself looking over email after email of kindness sent my way by many of you. Some of you I know and some I have gotten to know, even just briefy. I found myself all the back to even bulk emails sent out to our old ward asking them to fast and pray for our sweet son Miles as he struggled for life in the hospital. Tears of love mixed with sadness began to stream down my cheeks. Even with so much pressure to be perfect in the world, with so much evil spiraling around us my inbox proved to me last night that there truly still is so much good in this world and each and every single one of us truly is loved by others, even when we don't feel loved, we are!

My heart was, and is full thinking of this. I want to thank each of you that has ever left a comment on my blog, who lifts me up and supports me on social media, who has sent me an email, a letter in the mail, dropped something off at our house and more that your kindness has NEVER gone unnoticed or unappriacted. Your kindness and love builds and and lifts my family at times we need it most! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!! I love each of you for it and pray that I can give to others as you have given to us! Thank you for showing me that kindness still lives and is key to happiness.

(And just so you know how much it means to our family we keep every card, letter, email, text, blog comment, gift and more! I often find myself reading over them for strength and love when I am down. I can never get rid of any of it! Seriously!!!)

Messages for Miles

When Vivian was writing out her Valentines cards she asked me excitedly if she could take one to Miles.

Of course I said YES!

It was a great idea, and I loved that she was thinking of him and including him in her life!

So on Valentine's Day we drove out to see our big brother.

The girls were both so excited.

We took him some special things and spent a little time telling him how much we loved him and how much we miss him.

It was such a nice day there I could have stayed the whole day.

When we went out there we got this amazing box.

My sweet cousin, who sadly knows child lose herself, and was visiting from Washington was beyond thoughtful and kind and wanted to make it a special day for us.

Without even telling her, she clued in days earlier when I met up with her how hard I was struggling this holiday.

Sadly I didn't even clue in much to my own depression about the holiday.

This was the year I should have helped Miles make a special box to collect all his sweet messages of love from those who are part of his life.

I always LOVED making a Valentines Box, and apparently so did my cousin.

So she made sure that Miles had one and that it was full of sweet notes of love from loved ones.

Inside we found sweet notes from most of my family. Sadly she wasn't able to contact Mark's family. She seriously did this all in a day...amazing!

She also put stickers in for Vivian and Clara to decorate his box.

She included big hearts for us all to write down special memories with Miles and notes of love to him when we are having a hard day.

She also wrote a really sweet and heartfelt note to Miles and asked him to take care of and give her baby that she will raise in the next life a big hug.

Honestly, my heart was so full of love, gratitude and true humility at this kind act of so many family members.

As I read each note to Mark on the drive home my tears turned into streams down my cheeks that would not stop.

I honestly couldn't hardly breathe I was so full of emotion.

To have so many family members remember our son and love him as we do meant the world to us.

I hate the thought of him being forgotten and left behind only in mine and Mark's minds and hearts.

So for those of you who wrote a message THANK YOU!

For those of you who are still sending them THANK YOU!!

And if any of you still want to write one THANK YOU!!!

We will make sure each one is included in this special and now sacred box.

My cousin included in one of her cards this quote:

"He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, 

but rejoices for those which he has." -Epictetus

I'm going to work on living this quote more each day!

I know there will be days and moments that it will be hard, but honestly I am beyond grateful that I did have and that I DO have Miles. He is mine and mine forever! I just have to exercise patience until I hold him again.

Healing is a Journey

"Almost a year ago I posted about our new year in 2014 and how we were going to focus on Healing in our family. Click here to to read that post. I also posted about some Healing Boards that we had made for us and some other families we knew who has experienced child loss around the same time as us.

I recently had another angel mom ask me about Healing and what we have done over the last year to help our healing. It really had me thinking, and frankly it still does. I'm afraid in some ways we worked on healing and in other ways grief took over, shook me to the core and made me forget my focus. Not to mention life just doing the same.

But I've really been thinking about this and there are some things that have helped. Having Clara growing bigger sort of forced me to have to make more room in our tiny house in Utah. I had to clean out Miles' drawer of clothes. I suppose I didn't have to, but it was time and space was limited. It was so hard! I cried so much. I felt as though I was packing away all my memories of him, just putting them in a rubbermaid container just to be forgotten in a way. It really was hard. But I have to say there was also something freeing about doing that. Even though I rarely opened his drawer, it was as though keeping everything they way he left it for so long really held me back too.

Later in the year we moved due to a job change. Packing away more and more of Miles' things was so hard. HARD! Again I felt as though I was packing away my son and he would be forgotten in the mix. But as we moved to our new place I was sure to unpack some of the most important things of his. Little reminders of him in special areas of our home. Things that others might not see or recognize, but things that mean a lot to us and we know that he is here with us each day. I even hung up some of his clothes in the girls closets. His BYU hat, blue shoes, and his favorite stuffed animals are in my closet where I can see them each day. Once in awhile I still will sleep with one of his favorites, "giraffie". I hug it all night as though I was giving Miles a hug and snuggling him all night. It helps sometimes.

As a family we have really forced ourselves to get out. To get out of the house and go on adventures and make memories with the girls. Sometimes this is really hard and we really have to force it, plan it and stick to the plan. But each time we do we always come back feeling more bonded as a family. Sure it's hard sometimes because you think of how much Miles would have enjoyed the things we were doing, and we comment on that a lot to each other. But to see the joy and the life in the girls' eyes makes the forcing of making memories worth every second.

We continue to speak of Miles' as though he were and is here with us. Because he is often, even if we don't always feel him. Vivian talks about Miles so much I think it catches some people off guard. Sometimes I wonder if it makes people uncomfortable, and I'm sure sometimes it does. But that is us, and he is and will always be part of us, thus we speak of him.

We let the girls play with his things and even wear some of his old clothes and shoes. Vivian is always so proud and excited when she can. It's funny to watch her be so protective of his things when other kids come over. It's really sweet.

On a more serious note, Mark and I did go to some counseling this year for PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). It's been amazing how much this has affecting each of us, our family and our marriage. Counseling isn't for everyone. We have done it twice now. The first time didn't help at all. But this second round really helped to give us some tools to help us cope in our daily lives better. To recognize, understand and work through triggers that affect us each day. We didn't go for long, but it really was helpful.

Now looking back at my post a year ago I think I may have been delusional. I think it was a good idea to focus on healing, but since then I have and am realizing that healing is a life long journey. Life will always interrupt, distract and redirect our focuses. But I suppose as long as we have goals and a desire to heal that it what is important. I think I will be healing until the day that I hold my son in my arms again. The day I hold him so tight and never let go and kiss those sweet cheeks over and over again I will never fully be healed. And that's okay, because although I may be broken in many ways I am whole, better and stronger for waiting and working on becoming better. Miles' is worth the wait and the journey. Each of our loved ones are!

Unexpected Milestones

I have spent the last week just watching Vivian and Clara play together, make each other laugh hysterically, and mimic each other each daily. They are becoming each other's best friend. It's really a magical thing to watch siblings love and adore each other so much.

I vividly remember watching Miles and Vivian act the same way. In fact it has been a haunting echo of words coming of my mouth each night lately as Mark comes home as I tell him "they play so well together anymore."

When we had Vivian I looked forward to the day that Miles would have a little buddy to play with each day. Although he took to her instantly, it takes awhile for littles to be able to play with their siblings. I have noticed it's just around 16+ months that the little ones start to interact, copy and adore their older siblings. Vivian was so smitten with Miles, just as Clara is with Vivian.

This last week was a bit of a hard one for me because Clara is now the age that Vivian was when her buddy suddenly left her. And Vivian isn't too much younger than Miles was just before he passed. (I'm not looking forward to the spring when Vivian will be older than her older brother.) My heart has been so heavy thinking about it all. These are some of those unexpected milestones that have come up, that I never saw coming. Yet my mind and heart are consumed with the thought.

As Vivian was over playing at a friends house the other day Clara kept asking for "Hee Hee" (Vivian). She would walk over to the back doors and repeat her name over and over. I asked Clara, "Do you want Vivian?" To which she said "Yeah" so excitedly. It was so tender and sweet! Vivian had only been gone about half and hour and already Clara wanted her best friend back.

My heart was so full at that moment. Full of love that my children really are each other's best friends and love each other so much. Yet full of heartache in the same instant as I thought of sweet little Vivian just two years ago wondering where for buddy went. One minute she is having fun with the family and the next minute she is being handed off to family member and rushed away as her brother and best friend fought for his life. She was away from the three of us for almost 24 hours only to find her best friend hooked up machines, tubes and unresponsive. I will never forget her concerned and confused face when she saw him. She instantly tried grabbing his face and tried to free him of all the tubes. Just like us she didn't like seeing him in that state.

I was amazed at how she instantly adjusted to riding in the back seat of the car alone, going places just the three of us, and playing with just mommy and daddy again. But Vivian always seemed a little lost for awhile without her brother who she was laughing and playing with each day. She no longer could follow him around being his shadow each day.

As I continue my journey through and with grief I never thought of how much Vivian's belongings would remind me of times with Miles. As I took Vivian's old clothes out for Clara a few months ago I found myself instantly transported back in time. I literally cried when I got her clothes out of storage in the 12-18 month size. I instantly remembered the pajamas she wore the last time she sat on Miles' lap. I sat there squeezing them tight, bawling as though I might feel Miles through them. And how will I ever forget the sweet dress, tights, pink shoes and adorable jacket we bought Vivian to wear to her Miles' funeral? Dressing Clara in them is so bittersweet. (But man does she look so cute in them.)

Thinking about Vivian being Clara's age I'm just amazed at how much this sweet child of mine has gone through in her life. She has faced trials that had shaped and continue to mold her and probably will for the rest of her life. I truly believe that God only allows special and strong children to experience the loss of a sibling. I am amazed at how sensitive she is to other's feelings and actions, and I attribute it to her life's journey.

I guess through it all I just never realized that Vivian's old things, behaviors and even phrases would be such triggers of our last moments and times with Miles. But I suppose why wouldn't they? Those items, actions and words were part of our daily lives during such a happy time in life.

Vivian and Miles truly were and continue to be best friends. Oh how I long for the day to see all my children playing together again someday. I hold onto to that thought and look forward to that day with every fiber in my body.

Changing Through Trials

I know I have been MIA a little from here.

I feel as though I have just been hanging on, grasping for air at times really. The holidays are really hard, and for some reason this one is proving very hard for me. I don't know why, but it is.

My two girls keep me busy and for that I'm so grateful, but it's in the quiet moments my heart and soul are very heavy.

Some days I just wish someone would show up at my door and take my girls, even for just an hour so that I can cry and release all these built up emotions.

But knowing me I wouldn't allow it, and I would insist that all is well.

There are so many times as of late that I just can't process that Miles really left us, or even sometimes that he really lived on this Earth with me.

Did I really hold my sweet little 17 month old red head daughter in my arms for her to say her final goodbye to her older brother?

My heart and mind will never forget these moments, yet they seem to not want to recognize their reality. But this pictures confirms it's reality.

I don't know why after two years, I still can't understand this all.

Some days, weeks and months I can, yet some hours and minutes I can't at all.

Lately I have heard of so many people's trials. 

I have even been witnessing many around me.

Trials are such a hard and difficult thing for not only the people going through them, but those watching as well.

My heart aches, truly, as I witness and hear of so many.

Why do we have to suffer? Why do we have to hurt?

I'm not convinced that we will ever fully understand the Why in this life.

But I do know that if it weren't for trials we would not be who we are and who we are becoming.

As I watch others endure trials that I may never be able to endure, I find strength, hope and even love in a depth that would never be should it not be for the fire of the trial at hand.

As odd and as hard as it is to say, I am grateful for this trial that I am, and may always be facing.

I know there will be more trials in my life. I don't get a "skip trials pass," although I would love one!

But through this trial I have felt the fire of my refiner, forging me into a new person.

One that I wouldn't otherwise be if I didn't feel the intense heat and scorching of the fire and each  swing of the hammer molding me and shaping me into something and someone new.

I have felt this change all the way from the depth of my soul to the outward skin that covers body.

I have changed, and I continue to change into something better and new each day that I allow my maker to make modifications to me as I allow him and work with him to become what he has envisioned for me to become.

So why trials? Why me?

Why not? Because God loves me and each of you so much that he trusts us with hard things.

He trusts us to trust in him, to allow him to help mold us into something we wouldn't otherwise allow ourselves to become if it weren't for facing and enduring hard things.

So here is to becoming what he has in store for each of us by trusting in him.

The Monument

This weekend I found myself attending a few firesides. Both of which had messages and words that I needed to hear and it felt at times that the speakers were talking directing to me. My soul was feed and I felt peace throughout my entire being. What blessings I experienced this weekend!

I know there are many who read my blog who are aching and I hope this poem may help even slightly with that ache. We all have trials, we all have hurt and pain. You are not human if you don't. I wanted to share one of the poems shared, as it touched me so deeply. 

God, before he sent his children into the world, gave each of them a carefully selected package of problems.
"These, He promised smiling, are yours alone.
Only you have the special talents and abilities that will make these problems your servants, and no one else may have the blessing these problems will bring you.

So, go down to your birth, and to your forgetting.

Know that I love you beyond measure.
The problems I give you are a token of my love.
The monument you make of your life, with the help of your problems, will be a token of your love for me."

Your Father

Blaine M. Yorgason

Two Years Without My Son

I have tried so many times to put my thoughts together about the last two years without Miles. It's so difficult to even wrap my mind around the concept, the thought, the reality. Two years....really? Has it only been two years because it feels like much less. Yet in the exact same breath it feels like forever since I last held him, kissed him, and heard his sweet voice call me Mom. How can time feel so long yet not so long all at the same time? It's so strange.

Time has become the strangest enemy. It continues to tick, making me move forward. Yet all my heart wants is to go back in time. Back to when my first born child not only consumed my thoughts but my daily tasks of service. But time keeps ticking, our family continues to grow and change and thus we keep moving forward, while part of my mind, thoughts and a large part of my heart stays in the past. I can never let it go, because it's all I have of my son. I don't have recent pictures of him, I don't have any of his school art projects to hang up and consume my refrigerator. There are no new voice mails on my phone or even loads of selfies taken when I wasn't looking. Thus each picture, video, voicemail, artwork even scribbles of his I cherish beyond gold. It's all I have to prove that my son lived because at times my mind tries to play tricks on me wondering if he really was real, or if he was just the best dream I have ever had.

After two years and I finally feel as though I am starting to breath a little again. I mean really breath. It's so hard to even descibe. But when your heart is so broken it's as though your whole chest has been smashed in and you really can't ever fully catch your breathe. Not like you use to anyway. Thus, you never take a single breath for granted, even a shallow one.

As two years have gone by and our family has changed and grown we are feeling time begin to help heal our pain. I truly don't believe that time heals a broken heart, but I think it helps a broken heart.

The strangest feeling has come over me since we hit the two year mark. It's as though I am starting to wake up to my new reality, yes it has taken that long. But I am more and more aware that this truly is my new reality and will be for some time. My son lives in and watches over us from Heaven, while we try our hardest to do God's will here in this mortal world. What God wants from me I don't know, but I know I will strive all my days to figure it out and do it. I am committed to it more than ever.

I have been so blessed that for almost two years in that I have felt my son very close to me. He has sent me many wonderful messages that I have seen, heard and felt in sometimes the most quiet moments. But in the last year it has been more sparse and as we have come to two years I have felt him more and more distant. It makes me sad. Yet I have felt so strongly that he is about an incredible work that I can't wait to hear about one day. I have felt the strongest impressions lately that he is busy and so must I be. Busy serving others and sharing the love of God with others. It's something I have worked hard at over the past couple years, yet I feel it burning within me so strong lately. I have prayed almost everyday since Miles passed that he and I would and could work together on each side of the veil. I feel this as my mission more than ever. So although I don't feel him as close as I have in the past or even as much as I would like to, I feel him in a different way. He is strong, he is loving, he is tender yet he is confident. He is an angel of hope and healing. As his mother I am so proud to call him my son and even more proud to work beside him as we trudge forward in faith and love each day.

Someone sent me a quote that really hit me. It said "The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not 'get over' the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to be." I completely agree with this statement.

Falling Leaves

After Miles' funeral we found ourselves surrounded by tons of flowers and plants. Our house smelled like the most fragrant garden ever. It was beautiful. We gave many of the flowers and plants to others, but I kept one plant for ourselves. It is a rubber plant. Why that one? I don't know, I just liked it. So for the past two years I have watered it and loved it. It has moved with us and is doing very well. But it does the strangest thing. It seems whenever we are up against hard anniversaries or special occasions without Miles it losses a leaf out of the blue. I will walk past and find one leaf laying next to the pot.

Well within the last couple weeks, maybe month, the plant has lost multiple leaves. It's like it knows my heart and understands what is going on. It's sort of funny. I look at those lost leaves as though the plant is weeping, just like my heart for my son.Yet the plant continues to grow strong, big and beautiful just like we are. I can never get rid of that plant! We seem to bonded somehow.

Here's to holding on the next couple days as Monday marks two years since Miles' accident and Wednesday is two years that he left this mortal world for much better ones. These are tender days for sure! My mind and heart are racing and tender to say the least. I just can't believe it has been two years. I can't believe it.

Dreaming Inception

Lately I feel like I'm living in multiple dreams and I'm having a hard time figuring out which one is reality, which ones were reality and which ones feel like the best dreams ever but were and are reality just two short years ago. I know this sounds crazy and it's super complex, kind of like the movie Inception. I'm having a hard time figuring it all out and where I am in all of it. As we are coming up on two years since Miles left us, it feels as though it's getting harder and harder to separate these dreams that are my reality. There are days I'm not sure which dimension I am in.

I feel like life with Miles was and is the most beautiful dream I could imagine. Life was happy, whole and although not without struggles and trials, blissful in such an innocent way. It was an unclouded happiness. Unlike the one now that is always clouded with a bit of sorrow no matter how happy the moments are.

Then there is there terrible nightmare. The one where I held my son for the last time in my arms as he took his last breathes of life. Where I could no nothing for him but hold him, rock him, and kiss him as much as possible. The nightmare of leaving the hospital without my son. Just leaving him there for others to take care of until we were to see him again at the mortuary. The nightmare of shopping in the boy section for the last time for something so special, for an occasion I never would have dreamed of facing.The nightmare of dressing my son for the very last time in that beautiful gray suite and watching my husband comb his hair "the handsome way" just one more time. The nightmare of chosing a resting place for my son's body. Choosing flowers, pictures, music and more to celebrate his beautiful yet short lived life. The nightmare of going the cemetery with friends and family and actually burying my first born child, my son. Did this all really happen? Did I really do that? Really?

Then there are the dreams which are reality of life with two beautiful and amazing girls. Two girls who know their brother Miles, yet not physically. The reality where Vivian is always asking me why Miles had to die. When he is coming back. When he is coming to open birthday presents and have birthday cupcakes. Asking if he can come to ice cream with us and so on. The reality that Clara will know her brother in the most sacred way, yet never have played chase with him, gotten mugged on from him, or even argue with him. The reality that Clara and Miles will never be in a picture together. Yet Clara loves to see pictures of him and when you ask her who loves Miles she always raises her arm super high. This new reality that our family has grown, and changed so much in two years and lived life without a vital part of our family here with us physically each day. It's a bittersweet reality.

Yet there are occasional dreams, the really good ones of all our family together. I pray for these most nights. But they are few and far between. Why? They are my favorite. If I could teleport myself anywhere it may just be into those dreams. Oh how I long for the day that our family will be happy, whole and all together again. It will be true bliss!!! Can it just come already? I'm not a very patient person. Patience....it's always been my downfall.

Life is complex, and I think it will always be in some way or another for our family in this mortal life. But I have to say as crazy as I feel trying to sort myself out in all these dreams and degrees of reality, our family truly is blessed beyond words. We have truly felt the lifting power of prayer, the comfort of angels surround us and our home more times than I can count. We have felt and seen first hand the hand of God our Eternal Father and his one and only son, even Jesus Christ himself working within in our family. I know that there is a plan for each of us. And as much as those plans often feel like the most amazing dreams, or even nightmares, the plan is set out to benefit each one of us. It's taking faith in the plan and doing the best we can with our reality as hard as it may be to make sense of any of it. I believe in it and have faith in it, thus I try to live it to the best I can each day.

Crazy In The Head

A little over a year ago my cousin taught Vivian to say that one of my Aunts was crazy in the head.

This statement notoriously came with her small pointer finger circling close to the temple of her head.

Thus making the statement even more funny.

As much as we would all laugh, my aunt isn't the crazy one it's me.

Grief really does something to your head.

It takes ahold of your mind, shakes it up and throws it back in for you to suddenly try and make sense of EVERYTHING around you.

It's very perplexing and frustrating.

Shortly after Miles' passed away I went to the stake center to do some of my church duties and meet up and let someone else into the stake offices to do some things.

It was storming like crazy and it was pretty crazy driving just blocks away to the building.

When I got there the person I was suppose to meet wasn't there yet, so I took little 18 month old Vivian inside.

As I was grabbing all our things out of the car I had a distinct voice tell me to leave the diaper bag in the car along with my phone. I thought about it for a minute and obeyed.

Getting to the door of the building was crazy in those huge drifts of snow, carrying Vivian and being pregnant trying not to slip.

So while we waited for the person I thought I would shovel the walk for them so they didn't struggle walking in like we did.

I left Vivian inside to keep warm and she watched from the glass door.

Just as I finished and got to the door to open it I realized I left the keys to the building on the chair next to Vivian.

She was locked inside, all by herself, in the dark with the keys next to her.

She was too little to reach the push bar to open it.

Mom of the year right there!!!!

I couldn't believe what I had just done.

How could I do that?

Luckily I obeyed that prompting early and went to my car for my phone.

I was able to call my sister in law to come open the door and save sweet Vivian from spending the day alone inside the stake center. (Lucky for us my brother in law left his keys home that day.)

I cried as my sister in law plowed through drifts in the parking lot to save us with keys.

I remember, laughing out of embarrassment while tears streamed down my face.

I never use to do such things like that.

I also remember the first thing I said to her was "please don't judge me."

I had already felt as though I had failed as a parent with Miles' accident.

So locking my child into the church building wasn't helping matters.

I tell you this funny story as just as example of how crazy I feel anymore.

We all do silly things. Forget things, and make mistakes.

But when grief take ahold of you it also takes your mind with it.

What doesn't grief take really?

It's a true criminal, an evil one, and robs everything you have at one point or another.

We it's that time of year again.

We just passed Miles' sixth birtthday and in weeks we are upon his second angel anniversary.

Grief has come, settled in and has claimed my mind again.

As vigilant as I am about writing things down and calendaring I just can't stay on top of everything all the time right now. I laugh it off when I miss something, am late somewhere, or completely forget something. Yet it really does bother me, as I'm usually prompt and on top of things.

It's really not funny. I want my mind back please!

I'm crazy enough as it is. So feeling absent minded doesn't help the matter.

I share this so that if you know someone grieving or going through a hard trial, cut them some slack.

Give them a simple text, phone call or message reminder about something you have planned or something they should know about.

And most of all don't expect too much of them when up against anniversary dates, or sacred times.

Understand that we already feel crazy so be patient with us, because we are having a hard time being patient with ourselves.

Bittersweet Birthdays

Miles' birthday will forever be a bittersweet day for us.

It's a day of beautiful, loving and amazing memories.

Yet it's hard to think of actually celebrating without him here.

I mean, do you sing Happy Birthday?

Because singing to someone and not having them there is sometimes like a knife to the heart.

Bittersweet for sure.

So we did our annual balloon launch.

Clara's first one got stuck in the trees.

Clara loved seeing the balloons flying aways in the air with our messages of love floating up to Heaven for Miles.

Vivian was so sweet and was sure to send her's with a kiss.

She misses Miles so much!

All weekend as people we brining messages and gifts of love with cupcakes covering our counter, Vivian kept asking when Miles was coming to eat his cupcakes with us.

The poor girl, she understands so much yet it still doesn't make any sense.

And why should it, it doesn't always to me either?

When we went to Miles' transformation place Vivian bolted out of the car so excited to visit Miles.

She ran to his headstone, sat down and stroked the picture of him and kept saying "oh buddy we love you and miss you so much."

It was so sweet!

This year, we decided to take Miles' tote of special things with us.

As we got each thing out we told the girls stories about Miles and what we he loved.

It felt really good. 

Mark and I haven't seen many of his special things in a LONG time.

It felt so good to see them, touch them and just have them around us again.

I really miss having so many boy things around the house, especially Miles' things everywhere!

I won't lie, Mark and I were both a little disappointed that Vivian didn't remember many of his things.

I thought she would remember a few key ones that she saw every single day, like his lion bath towel.

But she didn't, and I can't expect her to as she was only 17 months old when he passed.

Nonetheless, it hurt a little.

This was by far the best visit graveside visit we have ever had.

I loved seeing his headstone covered with all his favorite toys and the girls playing all around the area with them.

Even though the weekend was long, and our emotions were tense and up and down, Mark and I were overwhelmed and lifted by all the kindness shown to us. 

We had had so many lovely and touching things done for us all week long.

All the messages of love, pictures of balloon launches, kind acts done, cupcakes, flowers, etc.

Words can't express just how much each one meant to us and just how much our hearts were lifted by even the simplest of gestures.

Thank you so much for loving our son and remembering him on his special day!

It means the world to us that he is thought of, remembered, and loved by so many.

Kindergarten for Miles

The past week and a half my emotions have been so tender, so raw and yet I have tried so hard to bury them deep...very deep. I have become very numb to many things the past couple weeks.
I have become REALLY good at being numb. It's a survival mechanism my body and brain automatically do now, without any effort. It's a way to protect myself from pain and more heartache. It's strange, yet so real. To be honest I'm so good at it, it sort of scares me. I'm not sure it's always good. But nonetheless it is what it is.

My feeds have been flooded with pictures of kids going back to school and moms having anxiety about the fact that their child is old enough for school now. I have LOVED seeing every single adorable picture and have felt true happiness, joy and fear for each mother letting those sweet children go off into the world to learn and grow.

Yet my heart and mind can't help but be broken a bit as this year I should have been one of those mothers sending my sweet Miles off to kindergarten. I should have done back to school shopping. Let Miles pick out a really cool backpack and lunch box. Colored pencils, markers, a ruler and notebooks with stickers we put in the front cover should have been stuffed neatly inside his backpack.
We should have gone to meet his new teacher and found where his little bum would sit each day as he filled his mind full of new things. Family home evening should have consisted of back to school talk. Talking about being kind to others, listening to our teacher, the dreaded topic of bullying and most important Mark giving Miles a Father's blessing to give him added protection from the Lord throughout the year. I should have been making fresh cookies to welcome Miles home from his first day of school and sat gathered the girls around the table listening to all the excited chatter about his day, what he learned, what he ate, who he played with and new friends he met.

But none of this happened at my house this year. Instead I found myself doing a lot of service the past week and a half. Watching children of mother's who were taking their children to kindgerarten orientation and such. Doing service really is so healing for me. It's a way to help lift my spirits and feel true love in my heart. It's those moments that I feel so close to Miles.

As hard as the past couple weeks have been I have reflected a lot on what Miles is doing. You see almost two years ago I sent him off to a very special school on a sacred mission. Just like many mothers, I wasn't ready to let him go. He was too young. Yet it was his time. Although I didn't get to see where he would be each day, what he would be doing and who he would be with daily, I KNOW with all my heart he is learning and growing more than I may ever realize. In fact I'm pretty sure he will be my teacher of many beautiful things when we are reunited. Oh how I can't wait!

Miles didn't take a backpack with him, or colorful pencils, crayons or markers. He didn't need any of that. Instead he took my LOVE with him, and a piece of my heart. That's all he needed and continues to need from me on his special mission. That along with my prayers and thoughts. (I literally pray for him every single day.) I'm so grateful I gave him and showed him so much love when we were together. I know he felt loved each day. I made sure to tell him each day. And I'm grateful that in the most special and sometimes sacred ways I'm still able to give him all my love. Daily I feel strengthened by his love as I know he is strengthened by mine.

So as hard as it is for me to mourn over the memories lost here, like a picture of Miles on his first day of kindergarten all dressed up with an oversize backpack full of supplies and a happy yet scared smile on his face. I know these moments are not moments that Miles misses, they are just moments and memories I miss. Because truly Miles is happier where he is, doing amazing things that I probably can't even comprehend. Oh how I can't wait to see what he has been doing and learning as he is away!!

Clearer Vision

I have been doing a lot of soul searching the past week. I have felt Miles so close, something I miss and long for so much. I have also met a few new people who are in this exclusive, yet not so exclusive club, of child loss. Some of them are on 40 years, some 10 and others just months. It's nice to meet others who understand your craziness, your heartache, your torments and your despair. Yet those in this club also know and understand your hope, your focus, your determination and your changing self.

Believe me, I have wondered so many times....WHY. Why did this happen to me? Why did this happen to our family? Why my son? WHY?

I have often wondered if I really knew the trials I would face in this mortal world before agreeing to come down. Did I know that one of my hardest trials would be to lose my first born child? My son. The boy who made me a mother. I truly believe I did. Yet I wonder did I truly understood how hard this would be? Did I understand all the things which I was agreeing to?

With all my heart I believe that I understood and saw the greater picture. That there was and is more than just this life. That this life here and now is a stepping stone to another. To glorious things. To worlds without end. To life eternal. In fact Eternal life with my family....all of them!

It may seem weird, but this journey we have been on has been one that I would NEVER ask for. Not EVER! Yet in the strangest way I have to say it has been one of the best for me. (Wow, that took a long time to even type the word best.... my fingers and heart just really didn't want to admit it.) I say best because of how it has changed me. Changed us. I feel as though this trial has taken a film off my eyes. Instead of focusing on things that don't matter and seeing and worrying about the trivial things, I now see more clearly what truly matters in life. I have come to know and understand the meaning to life in a much deeper and yet simpler manner. I understand more clearly why I am here and where I need to go. I also have a better focus on what I need to do in order to get there. I see people more beautifully than ever before. I feel people's spirits more than I ever thought I could. I feel more true love for others, even those I don't know. I feel peace in the craziest of times. These are some of the blessings I have personally gained from this difficult trial. One that I feel I will always be growing from....even 40 plus years from now.

I remember the night we came home without our son from the hospital. We had just said our final goodbyes, gave him our last hugs and kisses. Stroked his hair one last time, and wrapped his arms around my neck just to feel one last hug of his. Our sweet bishop at the time came to my aunt's house to talk with us. He spent time talking with us, giving us sweet words of love. Mark and I were both in such shock at the time. My head was so confused by what had just taken place and my heart was so broken it couldn't absorb even an ounce of understanding. Yet our thoughts turned to others who faced bigger trials in life. Some much more than even we were facing. I remember telling our bishop "that if God trusted me with this trial, than he must have a lot of faith in me because I wasn't sure I trusted myself with this trial."

To be honest I often still feel this way. I'm not sure that I have faith in myself to endure this heartache and longing for my son. Yet I know that God would not give me something that he knew I couldn't grow, learn and even become better from. So I keep the faith because of him. And because of him and my faith in him he has opened my eyes and given me a clearer vision of his plan and the purpose of it. So when I meet my Eternal Father again someday soon I will bow at his feet humbly and thank him for the trust he placed in me to give me such hard things to rise to and become closer to him through. I look forward to this day with all my heart!