7.10.2014

Family Reunions

We have our annual family camping reunion for my family coming up this weekend.
It's always a good time.
I mean really I have always loved my family.
And when I say my family I mean all of them, the cousins, the aunts the uncles....ALL of them!
We are a pretty close knit family.
I love it!

But this time of year always has me reflecting a lot on Miles.
He loved this family reunion with all his cousins just a year older than him.
He always had the best time, even in the rain.

It was our time to be silly, and boy were we silly.
It was fun!
We had lots of fun then!!!
We still do, but I always feel as though part of my heart is holding back,
not letting me have true and innocent fun any more.
I've been too hurt to feel that way anymore I suppose.

But I try for this boy.
I know he wants us to have fun.
I know he wants us to be happy.
I know he is with us more than we even know.
But that doesn't mean it's easy to do.
It's actually a lot of work anymore.
That is sad and hard to admit, but it's true.

As much as I LOVE family gatherings they are always a bit hard.
Even the simplest of gatherings is a bit hard.
Seeing all the kids growing up is a shock to my heart and mind.
How can they be getting so big so fast?
My life is still frozen, so it's shocking to watch them grow.

It's also hard to not let your mind and heart wonder what Miles would be doing with all the kids.
Would he be into the same things they are into?
What would his new interests be?
Would he be as tall as they are now?
So many thoughts and day dreams that I try really hard to push aside.
It can be an exhausting battle.

I suppose the hardest part of the whole things is watching everyone have their families together.
Something I don't have anymore....at least not physically.
And I won't for some time.
(But ONE day!!!)
It's hard to always have a huge part of your family and heart missing.
To go home and go back to the reality that still doesn't feel real.
(Will it ever really I wonder?)
Even though seeing all the adorable kids without your son in the mix makes that reality even more real.
It's hard and I'm not sure it's going to be easy.

I don't believe that time heals....I just think it helps.

So here's to this weekend.
I really do love going to this special place that Miles adored so much.
We have wonderful memories there that I will cherish forever.
And we will of course make many new memories this weekend.
Vivian and Clara are going to love it this year!

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