Lately I feel like I'm living in multiple dreams and I'm having a hard time figuring out which one is reality, which ones were reality and which ones feel like the best dreams ever but were and are reality just two short years ago. I know this sounds crazy and it's super complex, kind of like the movie Inception. I'm having a hard time figuring it all out and where I am in all of it. As we are coming up on two years since Miles left us, it feels as though it's getting harder and harder to separate these dreams that are my reality. There are days I'm not sure which dimension I am in.
I feel like life with Miles was and is the most beautiful dream I could imagine. Life was happy, whole and although not without struggles and trials, blissful in such an innocent way. It was an unclouded happiness. Unlike the one now that is always clouded with a bit of sorrow no matter how happy the moments are.
Then there is there terrible nightmare. The one where I held my son for the last time in my arms as he took his last breathes of life. Where I could no nothing for him but hold him, rock him, and kiss him as much as possible. The nightmare of leaving the hospital without my son. Just leaving him there for others to take care of until we were to see him again at the mortuary. The nightmare of shopping in the boy section for the last time for something so special, for an occasion I never would have dreamed of facing.The nightmare of dressing my son for the very last time in that beautiful gray suite and watching my husband comb his hair "the handsome way" just one more time. The nightmare of chosing a resting place for my son's body. Choosing flowers, pictures, music and more to celebrate his beautiful yet short lived life. The nightmare of going the cemetery with friends and family and actually burying my first born child, my son. Did this all really happen? Did I really do that? Really?
Then there are the dreams which are reality of life with two beautiful and amazing girls. Two girls who know their brother Miles, yet not physically. The reality where Vivian is always asking me why Miles had to die. When he is coming back. When he is coming to open birthday presents and have birthday cupcakes. Asking if he can come to ice cream with us and so on. The reality that Clara will know her brother in the most sacred way, yet never have played chase with him, gotten mugged on from him, or even argue with him. The reality that Clara and Miles will never be in a picture together. Yet Clara loves to see pictures of him and when you ask her who loves Miles she always raises her arm super high. This new reality that our family has grown, and changed so much in two years and lived life without a vital part of our family here with us physically each day. It's a bittersweet reality.
Yet there are occasional dreams, the really good ones of all our family together. I pray for these most nights. But they are few and far between. Why? They are my favorite. If I could teleport myself anywhere it may just be into those dreams. Oh how I long for the day that our family will be happy, whole and all together again. It will be true bliss!!! Can it just come already? I'm not a very patient person. Patience....it's always been my downfall.
Life is complex, and I think it will always be in some way or another for our family in this mortal life. But I have to say as crazy as I feel trying to sort myself out in all these dreams and degrees of reality, our family truly is blessed beyond words. We have truly felt the lifting power of prayer, the comfort of angels surround us and our home more times than I can count. We have felt and seen first hand the hand of God our Eternal Father and his one and only son, even Jesus Christ himself working within in our family. I know that there is a plan for each of us. And as much as those plans often feel like the most amazing dreams, or even nightmares, the plan is set out to benefit each one of us. It's taking faith in the plan and doing the best we can with our reality as hard as it may be to make sense of any of it. I believe in it and have faith in it, thus I try to live it to the best I can each day.