3.01.2016

Memories Are The True Treasures

About a month ago I found myself cleaning out every cupboard, drawer, closet and even storage totes in my house. (Yes we have only lived here about 6 months and yes I was already deep cleaning again.) I am a stress purger. I think it drives my husband crazy. After Miles passed I often found myself getting rid of anything and everything I could, expect for anything of his. I couldn't get rid of a single thing of his. But I would daily get rid of my clothes, Vivian's and so much more. It feels good for me to release and I also feel good about all the donations I give that will help others. I look at it as a win/win.

2 weeks after Miles passed we found out that our hopes and fears were true, we were in fact expecting our third child. (The ball was already rolling on this one before Miles passed.) To be honest I was absolutely CRUSHED when we found out months later that it was a girl. I was mad, hurt, confused and so much more. Why would God take my son? And why wouldn't he give me another boy? Then fast forward years later to us expecting our 4th and again another girl. Again a mix of emotions even I couldn't fully sort out. But Mark and I have cherished and felt blessed by the birth of both Clara and Josie. Each one has added so much to our family and our hearts.

So for years now I have held onto each and every one of Miles' clothes. Hoping to have a little boy that would wear them again. I have let the girls wear some of his clothes. They beam when they wear them and make sure everyone knows that they are wearing their brother's clothing. It's truly sweet.

Well as I was cleaning out my house on a rampage last month I suddenly found myself cracking open Miles' totes. I had no intention of even cracking them that day, or maybe ever. But without thinking or allowing emotions to take me over I began going through them. Making piles to make quilts out of and a pile to donate. I didn't know who I would donate them to but I knew someone needed them. After hours of it, and Mark coming home in shock of what I was doing, a specific family and boy came to mind. A family dear to our hearts, who were facing tragedy and trial of loss of their dad and spouse. So I messaged my friend and asked if she would like them, or if it that would be too weird for her. She graciously accepted. So I piled Miles' clothes up and delivered them to her that night.

I won't lie Mark and I held, stoked and even hugged and smelled a few of them as we went through them. We even carefully deliberated on which ones we still wanted to keep. Some were hard to part with. But we pushed through and decided someone else needed them more than our dark totes in our basement.

After donating them we came home and realized that we needed to give more. So we went back through each item carefully and came up with another huge pile to donate again. The next day my sweet friend sent us the sweetest picture and message with her little son wearing Miles' coat and shoes. It truly made my heart beam. It was then that I realized all this time I have been holding onto his things for a reason. And I had now found that reason and person. I knew Miles would want them to go to him. I felt it in my heart and so did my friend. It was comforting.

After Miles passed I will never forget kneeling in his closet looking over each shirt, jacket, belt, hat and pair of shoes before me. I smelled each one, longing for my son. I then screamed at him and told him how it wasn't fair that he left me behind with all his thing to take care of. He just left me. He left everything. It crushed me. He left me with everything but took my heart and all my future dreams of our time together. It hurt more than anything I can even explain. It sill does actually.

When you lose someone you are faced with the stark reality of what truly matters in life. It's not the material things. It's not all the latest and greatest gadgets. It's not the labels on our clothes. It's nothing that you can physically hold. It's the memories of the mind and heart. The conversations had. The hugs, the kisses, the stroking of the cheek, the smells and the laughs. Those are the cherished things. And all those clothes Miles' left me with were just treasures of those memories made and had. Memories I cling to and never want to forget but sadly are fading with time. But those memories are truly my treasures until I hold him in my arms in again in eternity. Oh how I can't wait!!!

2 comments:

  1. Oh man! What an emotional thing to have to do! You are truly amazing and brave for doing it. You are one of the most thoughtful and giving people that I know! Love you always! XOXO

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  2. When I read your blog, it reminds me of how good God is to us. He lets us grieve and do things in a time that is good for us. Thanks for sharing such a hard experience!

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