A Sleeping Child

Ever since Miles passed no one has really been sleeping around our house.
There are many struggles that many people are unaware of.
The ability to sleep is one of those challenges.

I can't sleep without taking some sort of sleeping aid.
I have tried and failed almost each time.
My mind, thoughts and feelings are truly haunting and overwhelming.
It's a true battle that I can't seem to find any ground in as of yet.

Mark is so exhausted from working so many jobs and long hours.
Some nights he just crashes.
Others are spent tossing and turning.

But Vivian, sweet Vivian has struggled with sleep from the night we came home from the hospital.
It's as though she is a new born again.
Waking every two hours, or even less.
She was sleeping fine before the accident.
Since, she has been continually waking.
Needing to physically touch and feel either Mark or I next to her.
She truly has an issue of separation anxiety from Mark and I since the accident.

We have tried many different things with her over the past almost 5 months to help her sleep again.
It even go so back that I counseled with her doctor about the matter.
We have tried a few different sleep aides, toddler approved of course.
And to no avail, no sleep.
In fact, it seemed less when we tried these.

We tried the crying it out method.
Which would only lead to a poop filled diaper and her lethargically standing up, resting her head on the side of the crib.
This gave me terrible anxiety about her suffocating herself during the night.

We slept next to the crib with the nightlight on.
No, she needed to touch us and hold our hand.

A couple months ago we finally found ourselves bringing her crib mattress into our room on the floor next to the bed each night.
She would then sleep for a few hours.
When she would wake we would lie next to her on the floor holding her hand.
Some nights we would sleep on the floor for up to 5 hours.
It made for some long and uncomfortable nights.
But it was the best sleep we were all getting with her in months.
We were excited and happy about the new arrangement.

As of last week I found myself more engaged as a parent again.
At least at bedtime.
I have tried to return to our old bedtime routine as much as possible.
This is something that is so hard for me to do.
Bedtime is such a cherished and even sacred time for me with my children.
We have always had a set routine that we do with our children each night.
Baths, pajamas, family scriptures study, family prayers, family hugs and kisses, then books are read or stories told to the children while in their warm beds.
This is followed by soft lullabies played in the room, with the glow of the night light, and a final kiss and tuck in for the night.
It's parenting bliss.

Since Miles passed I can't bring myself to do this each night.
Especially with Mark working such late nights and I'm all alone with Vivian.
It's just too hard emotionally.
Then when I don't do it I feel guilty, it's a vicious cycle of emotional pain each night.

But last week I told myself I could do it again.
And I have.
The routine is a little modified, but very similar.
I can't bare to have the favorite lullaby CD play right now.
I find myself transfixed to it and just sobbing in the dimly lit room.
So for now, it's put away.
One day it will come back into the routine.

Now I sit outside Vivi's room and read for awhile as she falls asleep.
This assures her that I'm still there and she is okay.
It seems to do the trick and I get some great reading in.
I don't mind this new addition too much.

I'm beyond happy to report that Vivian has now been sleeping in her own room for just over a week now.
This is big news at our house!
She even sleeps until about 5:30 AM.
At which time she finds her way into our room, reaching out for me next to our bed.
It's wonderful.

Thank you to many of you for your concern about this matter.
For all the prayers and fasting on our behalf with this issue.
It has truly helped!


  1. Wow, I just can't even begin to imagine the difficulties you face each day. I am so inspired by your faith and love that you share so many deep, personal thoughts on your blog.
    I am so happy that Vivian is sleeping better for you. Hang in there and keep up that bedtime routine!

  2. I am so happy to read this and so sad at the same time. My heart aches knowing that there are so many different struggles you are facing right now. Your sweet children are so blessed to have you and Mark. I so admire your persistence and constant efforts to be such wonderful parents.

  3. Yay! That sweet little girl! Yay for you all! Good job mama!

  4. You are such an amazing writer! I had no idea. I totally admire you! :)
    Thank you for sharing with the rest of us so we too can learn from you!