A Letter to Miles

Dear Miles,
Happy half birthday.
I can't believe today you are 4 1/2 and that today also marks 5 months since your accident.
I hate that your birthday and the accident date are the same.
I also hate that my birthday and your passing anniversary are on the same date.
It's a harsh reminder.

I miss you so much!
I wonder every day how much bigger you would be now.
What things you would be interested in, and much more.

The past 5 months have been the longest 5 months of my life.
I dread thinking what a year, 5 years and even 50 years is going to feel like without you here in this life.
It's as though part of my world and life has just frozen since you left.
Will it ever unthaw?
I almost don't want it to in a sense.
Because I want to think of you and remember you everyday of my life.
But it also seems likes you are becoming a dream to me.
The sweetest dream I have ever had.
But no matter how much I sleep, that dream never is my reality.
It breaks my heart into more pieces than I can ever put back together.

When Vivi comes into our room each morning at 5:30 her footsteps sound just like yours.
Dad and I always say how much that reminds us of you and how much we love hearing it again.
I usually snuggle Vivi in bed with dad then and head up to crawl into your bed.
I feel so connected to you there.
Remember when we took you shopping for a "much softer pillow," as you called it?
Well I can attest that you chose a very soft pillow.
Good job buddy!

Spring is finally here.
You would love it.
The tulips are starting to come up.
Remember how much you love them.
Vivi is now very intrigued by them.
I can't wait to see her reaction when they bloom.
She is going to love them.
They may not survive long, but I don't mind.

Her and I have spent the last few days outside.
The birds are out again.
There are even two pigeons that are hanging around lately.
I've never seen them before.
We broke the bird seed wreath up for them to come and eat.
Finally the birds are partaking of that wreath.
Vivi is bound to catch the birds.
I can just hear you laughing at her running around trying to get them.

Now is the time we would start taking our daily walks around the complex multiple times throughout the day.
Soaking in the sun while we waited for dad to come home.
I'm sure you would have perfected the balance bike by now.
I can only imagine how fast you would be on that thing.
Not to mention how fast you would be on your big wheel.
I miss hearing the thump of that big wheel zooming around on the pavement outside.
One day, maybe Vivi can ride it.
But don't worry, both bikes are safe at Papa and Nana's house right now.
I'm sure they are parked by Papa's four wheelers, just as you would like.

We went to play with Brock and Hailey yesterday.
Vivi had so much fun.
She really misses having her buddy to play with.
She is lonely for children to play with.

We played outside in their backyard.
You would have loved it.
I kept thinking about how high you would have been jumping on the trampoline.
Or how high you would have been flying in their cool swing.
Remember how you loved that thing.
You would giggle so hard sometimes I thought you might fall out.
I miss your silly giggle.
It always brightened my days.

Oh buddy, I have so much to tell you.
I talk to you everyday.
I hope you hear me.
I'm sure you do.
I just wish I could hear you better.

Dad met someone at work yesterday.
They instantly connected and seemed to have a common interest in the afterlife.
They shared a few things with one another.
He said he felt impressed to tell Dad that many tears have been shed on the other side.
I'm sorry if our crying hurts you.
I don't want it to.
It's just the only thing I can do for now.
Even when I am happy I cry now.
I promise I am working hard at trying to find the joy, the positive and all the blessings we have and are receiving.
I know there are many!
I'm grateful for them!
I also know that you have very important work to do.
I pray for you everyday, morning and night, to help you with that work.
I hope my prayers are helping you.
Vivi even prays for you.
She's really good at prayers and loves them.
Just like you did.

Miles we love you so much.
We miss you tremendously.
I long to hold you in my arms again.
To cook you dinner.
To ride bikes with you, splash in puddles, jump on the trampoline, go hiking and so much more.
I miss hearing your sweet voice everyday.

I'm so sorry that this happened.
I still have yet to be able to piece it all together.
All I can conclude is that the Lord needed you.
So many things lead me to believe it.
It's just hard to accept sometimes.

Please come visit me in my dreams when you can.
Whisper to my heart.
Put your arms around me when I am down.
Let me know that you are near, as I know you are.

I love you son!