Winter State

The other day I heard it announced that next week, March 10, 2013 is daylight savings.
Thus our clocks spring forward an hour.
This hit me like a ton of bricks.
How is it daylight savings time?
Didn't we just turn back our clocks?
This can't be happening.

I always love daylight savings time.
I love waking up with the sun.
I love early morning runs watching the sun peak over the mountains to a slumbering valley.
I love that it means spring in just around the corner, which in turn means summer is not far off.
I love the longer days.
I love being outside soaking up all the vitamin D from the sun.
The warmth on my skin as I soak it all in.
I love all the colors that burst to life all around this earth.
Daylight savings invigorates my soul.

But this year I find myself resenting that it's daylight savings time.
My emotions are all over the place lately.
In fact Mark and I have been talking lately that we both feel the emotional roller coaster lately.
It seems it is going rather fast and taking turns very sharply  as of late.

I'm wondering if in some way it's because we realize spring is soon upon us.
Which then in turn only validates that Miles has been gone from our lives for what seems like forever.
That we won't have the spring to enjoy with him.
No splashing in puddles with him, no going for bike rides, no playing at the park, no hiking. 
Nothing with him.

When Miles passed away all the leaves were golden and falling to the ground.
We spent the fall in the mountains of this valley taking it all in.
It felt like when we left the hospital after he passed all the leaves had dropped.
I'm not really sure if they did or not, I don't specially remember.
But in my world they had.
I found myself immediately thrown into the cold, dark and stale season of winter.
Not just physically but mentally and emotionally too.

I'm not sure that I'm comfortable celebrating spring and new life yet.
It seemed fitting that as Miles passed the world, along with us, was automatically in a dead state.
My life still feels so cold, sometimes dark.
I feel buried under heavy drifts of emotions that I still can't control or understand most of the time.
The colorful leaves are gone and I feel bare and brittle.

How can it be spring already?


  1. Thinking of your family always.

  2. Andrae, I am so sorry. I wish I had words that could make things better. I'll keep you and Mark in my prayers.

  3. Andrae you are a beautiful writer! We think about you and mark all the time. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with the world. You are an example to all of us or love,courage, and faith.

  4. Hi Andrae
    It is Jamie Park. I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face and just want to express my sorrow with you and your family. I too understand how it feels to lose a child and be in the winter of feeling. We weren't exactly the same as you losing Miles, our little girl was in gestation at 20 weeks so we hadn't had the earthly time with our Rachel but the sorrow is much the same. I know the emptiness and hollowness that doesn't seem to go away along with the longing of having them with us still and honestly for me it hasn't ever gone away but through the love of our Heavenly Father and the Savior it starts to get better. I think about my Rachel everday still and imagine how she would be and how old she would be, (She would have been 6 this spring) and what she would look like. One of the biggest helps for me is to be the best Mom I can to my other girls and help them remember they have another sister and live with the understanding that she is not too far away and that she is happy and watches over us. We talk about her quite often and still cry and long to be with her and that is okay! Thank goodness spring is a reminder of the resurrection and that we can celebrate our little ones lives and know that this will be a reality for them and us very soon. I am so thankful for the plan of salvation and really believe that what happened with my little family was a plan that was in place from the beginning, and that our Rachel volunteered to be that unselfish one in our family that made the sacrifice of not being here with us on the earth. I'm sure you do, but let that comfort from the Savior flood your heart and he will mourne with you and carry you all the time you need Him. I hope I have made sense. I look up to you Andrae for your strength, you and your family are amazing.
    Jamie Park Kidman

  5. That was so poignant and beautiful as were the comments above by Jamie. Dallas and I dropped in to Mike and Mariko's yesterday for Elly's blessing and I had to linger on the beautiful picture of Miles they have. It always seems to hit me each time I see his sweet face with the reality that he is gone. It is a harsh feeling and yet the more I look at him, the more it sinks in that he is near and that he lives. He lives because the Savior lives.
    Thank you for the reminders of what Spring represents. I have always hated the clock change in the Spring because it robs me of one hour of sleep and I like my sleep! However, it is my favorite time of year as I too watch the colors burst open again. I pray that your heart will be able to feel the warmth of Spring again as the sunshine of Miles smiles down on you.

  6. Andrae--

    You don't know me, but I've followed your blog for the last few months. First of all, I'm so, so very sorry for your loss. Your family has weighed heavily on my mind since last fall and I've agonized about whether or not to say anything.

    Literally days after Miles' accident, we had a similar accident under almost identical circumstances at a hotel in Salt Lake City. For reasons I don't understand, my son survived, but it could have so very easily gone the other way.

    The last few months have been so much more difficult than I could have ever imagined, and so if they have been difficult for me, I can't imagine what you and your family have been through. I'm so sorry.

    But what I'm trying to say is that I get this post because I could have written it. We live in the South and the weather now is so similar to Salt Lake in the fall and every so often, it catches me off guard and I feel like I'm back in those horrible moments and days after it happened. And I can't believe that fall ended and winter has almost come and gone and that spring is almost here. It seems so...cruel, I guess, that life and time keep moving when you wish it could just stop for just a moment.

    Anyway...I'm rambling. :) But I just wanted to de-lurk and let you know that your family is in my thoughts and prayers and that reading your story has helped me work through and articulate my own grief. Hugs to all of you!

    1. Kate- I'm so sorry for your pain, heartache and grief as well. If you would like to email me I would love to hear more from you. My heart has been aching for you ever since I saw your post yesterday. You can contact me at andrae.kelly@yahoo.com.