3.26.2013

Waves of Grief

The past few days I have been overtaken and surprised in a couple situations of the grief sea.
Grief is a hard thing.
Often you have "triggers" throughout the day that bring with them a flood of emotions, memories, fears, guilt, and definitely tears.
You never know when they will come or how hard they will hit you.
You could be playing with your children, driving your car or even laying down to sleep.
These waves of grief become part of your new life.
They can be small waves, tidal waves and anything in between.
You never know how hard they will hit or how big they will be.
You just have to hold on and endure them.

The other night we were invited over for a family dinner.
We were having a good time.
Vivian was playing with her cousins.
We were making homemade ice cream.
Things were great.
Then Vivi began asking me "Mom, where is Buddy?"
She has always called Miles Buddy.
We all do.
She kept repeating the question.
To which I asked her "Vivian, where is Buddy?"
She would say "I don't know."
I would then remind her that "Buddy is with Jesus."
Then minutes later she would ask "Mom, where is Miles?"

It broke my heart.
I tried so hard to keep my emotions in control.
Thank goodness there was a lot of commotion around.
No one really noticed what was taking place.
But it was a hard moment for me.
She hasn't asked where Miles is in awhile.
At least not out in public.
I felt so bad that she didn't have her Buddy there to enjoy that fun evening.
I wish so badly I could give her back her best friend.
She misses him terribly.
Everyday.

Today at the library we went to the Toddler Story Time.
We always attended it when Miles was alive.
Now we go to the Baby Story Time.
I saw some people we haven't seen since the accident.
It was good to see them.
But hard in the same sense.
One mother in particular asked me if Miles was in school.
Our sons are the same age, and both missed the cut off date for school this year.
I wish so badly that my response was "Yes, he's is school and he loves it!"
But sadly I was faced with the reality that she had no idea what had happened to our family.
So my response instead is not only hard for me, but shocking for her to hear as well.
"No, Miles passed away."
Tears are then pooling up in my eyes making everything blurry.
But I'm trying not to make a scene.
Trying so hard to not gather Vivi up before story time even begins and rush out the door and head back to the safety of my own home.
A place where I don't have to face hard questions such a this.
A place that I can just try to find myself again without all the questions, concerns and alarming responses.
A place that I can look at pictures of Miles and try to feel his spirit still alive and around me.
Even if I can't hold him physically.

Moments like this are not only hard for me, but I know it's just as awkward for sweet concerning people such as her.
I don't want people to feel bad for asking me about Miles.
I love talking about him.
In fact it hurts worse when people don't talk about him, remembering him and that he did live.
He lived for four beautiful full years.
But I feel bad making other people feel bad or even awkward when they too are in such a state of shock of the news I just unloaded on them.
Welcome to my new life.
It's very complicated.

Needless to say I have spent the afternoon crying a lot.
I barely made it home as I was crying so hard.
I now have a terrible headache.
The joy and aftermath that comes with such crying.

Grief is such a strange, overwhelming and challenging thing to learn to live with.
How do I handle this sea of grief?
It's one of my many new challenges in life.

7 comments:

  1. Hey friend. I'm sorry. Sounds like a terrible day! Of course it's not just today, I know that! Love you. Love Miles and I would love to talk about him with you ANY time!! Big hug!!!

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  2. I think it is so good that you can express yourself in writing. You do it beautifully and our hearts are breaking for you. You are so good to keep going forward. Bless your hearts!

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  3. I wish there were words to put to the feelings in my heart. Thank you for sharing a glimpse of the daily life you lead. It is not an easy one, but your faith and love are so strong. Praying for you always.

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  4. I agree with Lucy. I think the beautiful words you express will serve as therapy not only for you but for all of us who love Miles so much. I cried at the beautiful poem you wrote on your blog. Talk about Miles all you want. I love hearing about your precious memories.

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  5. Oh Andrae. I've said it before and I'll say it again . . . you are an amazing writer and I so much appreciate your intimate thoughts that you share with the world. I love to read your blog because it helps me to put my life into perspective and reminds me to cherish each and every day that I have with my children.
    You are a wonderful mother and I marvel at your courage. Thank you for your wonderful example. Miles is so proud of him mom. Keep being courageous.

    Jana

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  6. I came across your blog somehow, by searching for a mother that understands.

    On the 19th of this month will be my sons fifth month anniversary. I don't know how it feels to lose a four year old and what you are going through, but I do know that it is so incredibly hard. My son was only two days old when he passed.
    My heart aches for you and your husband. My daughter (3 years old) always asks randomly where her brother is, and for some reason that question will never stop hurting.

    I prayed for you today. It must be month five that sucks. Its been the hardest month for me so far. I have broke down and cried every day so far.

    Please know that you are getting prayers. I hope you feel peace soon.

    -Donna

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  7. Donna,
    I'm so glad you left a message. I only hope you get this message as well.

    I tried going to your blog, but it must be private. This picture of your daughter and son is so sweet. I'm so extremely sorry to hear of your loss as well. Thank you for your prayers. I will keep you in mine as well.

    It's fine to break down every day. I know I do still. I'm sure I will for a long time too. I hope that through it all you do find some peace on days as you struggle through your own trial in life. Again, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Many prayers and hugs to you!
    Andrae

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