Waves of Grief

The past few days I have been overtaken and surprised in a couple situations of the grief sea.
Grief is a hard thing.
Often you have "triggers" throughout the day that bring with them a flood of emotions, memories, fears, guilt, and definitely tears.
You never know when they will come or how hard they will hit you.
You could be playing with your children, driving your car or even laying down to sleep.
These waves of grief become part of your new life.
They can be small waves, tidal waves and anything in between.
You never know how hard they will hit or how big they will be.
You just have to hold on and endure them.

The other night we were invited over for a family dinner.
We were having a good time.
Vivian was playing with her cousins.
We were making homemade ice cream.
Things were great.
Then Vivi began asking me "Mom, where is Buddy?"
She has always called Miles Buddy.
We all do.
She kept repeating the question.
To which I asked her "Vivian, where is Buddy?"
She would say "I don't know."
I would then remind her that "Buddy is with Jesus."
Then minutes later she would ask "Mom, where is Miles?"

It broke my heart.
I tried so hard to keep my emotions in control.
Thank goodness there was a lot of commotion around.
No one really noticed what was taking place.
But it was a hard moment for me.
She hasn't asked where Miles is in awhile.
At least not out in public.
I felt so bad that she didn't have her Buddy there to enjoy that fun evening.
I wish so badly I could give her back her best friend.
She misses him terribly.
Everyday.

Today at the library we went to the Toddler Story Time.
We always attended it when Miles was alive.
Now we go to the Baby Story Time.
I saw some people we haven't seen since the accident.
It was good to see them.
But hard in the same sense.
One mother in particular asked me if Miles was in school.
Our sons are the same age, and both missed the cut off date for school this year.
I wish so badly that my response was "Yes, he's is school and he loves it!"
But sadly I was faced with the reality that she had no idea what had happened to our family.
So my response instead is not only hard for me, but shocking for her to hear as well.
"No, Miles passed away."
Tears are then pooling up in my eyes making everything blurry.
But I'm trying not to make a scene.
Trying so hard to not gather Vivi up before story time even begins and rush out the door and head back to the safety of my own home.
A place where I don't have to face hard questions such a this.
A place that I can just try to find myself again without all the questions, concerns and alarming responses.
A place that I can look at pictures of Miles and try to feel his spirit still alive and around me.
Even if I can't hold him physically.

Moments like this are not only hard for me, but I know it's just as awkward for sweet concerning people such as her.
I don't want people to feel bad for asking me about Miles.
I love talking about him.
In fact it hurts worse when people don't talk about him, remembering him and that he did live.
He lived for four beautiful full years.
But I feel bad making other people feel bad or even awkward when they too are in such a state of shock of the news I just unloaded on them.
Welcome to my new life.
It's very complicated.

Needless to say I have spent the afternoon crying a lot.
I barely made it home as I was crying so hard.
I now have a terrible headache.
The joy and aftermath that comes with such crying.

Grief is such a strange, overwhelming and challenging thing to learn to live with.
How do I handle this sea of grief?
It's one of my many new challenges in life.