9 Months

This morning Vivian and I took Clara to the doctor for her 2 week check up.
She is doing great!
She is such a sweet baby.
We all love her so much!

I have to admit I am a wreck today.
I have been crying all day long.
Well all weekend long really (I will post about that later).

Today is 9 months since Miles left this mortal world.
Further more it's a Monday, just as it was 9 months ago.
I remember each hour of the days 9 months ago.
I watch the clock all day on the 13th, 14th and 15th each month and remember the smells, the sounds, all the machines and tubes, the hard decisions and most of all my son laying there on the hospital bed alive but unconscious.
If only I was able to talk to him one more time in the hospital.
What I would give to hear his voice one last time.
To call me Mom one more time.
I know that he heard all the words of love that were spoken to him.
All the kisses, hugs and strokes of love.
Those moments and hours of those 3 long days are burned in my memory and heart for forever.

So needless to say it's a hard day.
I had to wear my sunglasses into the doctors office today to cover my blood shot eyes.
How embarrassing!
When we came home Mark arrived home for his lunch break.
It was great timing!
When we pulled up, we were pleasantly surprised by this sweet bag and flowers on our door step.
I again began crying and just sat in the car looking at them while the girls slept in the back.
Mark came in the car and we just sat there and continued looking at the doorstep with tears.
The last time we had things like this on our door was 9 months ago 
when we came home from the hospital, the day our son became an angel.
Emotions flooded over us.
It was such a beautiful sight! 
Inside the bag were notes of love from members in our ward.
Mark and I sat in the car as he read them aloud.
My streaming tears quickly became rivers on my cheeks.
Each card was so sweet, thoughtful and most of all beautiful.

Sometimes people say they don't know what to say to us or someone who 
is grieving or facing a hard trial.
Well let me help you.
All you have to say are words of love, as each of these cards did.
Letting someone know they are thought of, loved and prayed for means the world to us.
It means even more when you speak of our son Miles.
It validates that he is loved, remembered, and that he has touched and continues to touch people's lives.
That means the world to us!
It truly warms our hearts.
Thank you for all the love on such a hard day!


  1. Hi Andrae! congratulations on Clara.. She is so gorgeous! I had to read your blog today, because I have been thinking of Miles all week and Marianne and I talked about him during the week as well. I mentioned how your blog really helps me a lot on parenting, spirituality and off course, Miles is always present in our everyday lives and your blog with pictures and memories only makes it better. You are such an awesome mom! Thank you! Cecilia.

  2. My son passed away 31 months ago this past Sunday. My heart always knows when it's the 11th of the month. Always. Still. Be gentle with yourself. Praying