Beautifully Broken

I haven't blogged much lately. We are a little busy adjusting to a newborn, a toddler and Mark's new work schedule. But the real truth of the matter is I have been trying to sort out all my emotions. Each day is different and I never know what the day is going to bring. But let's be real, I will never know when I will be hit by what we call "a trigger" that will overwhelm my every strand of being and cause me to break down. Tears are common at our house and they aren't necessarily a sign of sadness, they are for love and joy too. There are plenty of sad and joyful tears at our house anymore. Who knew that one could cry so much and for so long.

Having Clara has been such a joy. She truly is a special blessing to our family. However, she doesn't make my heartache lessen any. Nothing ever will. There isn't anyone that will ever fill this gapping hole in my heart. Each child we have had has opened a new chamber within my heart that I didn't know was there, or could be so full and deep. Clara has opened a new chamber within my heart. She has given my arms something precious to hold. Both my girls have, and I'm so grateful for them.

But as my heart is bursting with so much joy and love for each of my girls. The first new chamber that Miles opened within my heart is aching....it's broken for lack of a better term. Shattered and empty, yet so full of continued love, beautiful memories along with an aching to hold him in my arms again. I would give anything (expect my girls and husband) to have him for just one more minute, hour, day or more. Yet I know this can't happen in this mortal world.

Having a new chapter in our lives with the addition of Clara has been very bittersweet. Sweeter than I ever imagined but extremely bitter knowing that Miles truly isn't here to be part of this new chapter of adventures. He isn't here to hold Clara, to mug on her or to proudly announce that he is a big brother to two sisters. He's no longer physically here to be the "Man of the House" and watch over us girls each day, as Mark would tell him to be when leaving for work each day. I know he is still here with us watching over us, just not physically. We have felt him at times. But it's not the same. Nothing ever will be the same, and that reality has really been sinking in lately. This reality hurts beyond words!

Since Miles passed we have seen many miracles, the hand of angels and more in our lives. We have experienced joys we never thought we would. We have truly grown and matured in ways we never would have had if it weren't for this difficult trial. We are striving to become better people each and every day. We love more, we try to live our lives to the fullest each moment. Miles has and continues to give us so many gifts I never would have asked for or even thought I would have. It's truly beautiful. Yet, as beautiful as it is I am still broken. Broken with a heavy heart of pure love, gratitude, memories, opportunities missed, guilt, sadness and so much more but with a new and determined focus to live a life worthy of Miles. Worthy to have our entire family reunited once again. I look forward to this day with earnest, yet trying to exercise patience. Oh what a day it will be to run to him as he giggles so hard he almost falls over as he runs to us. To wrap my arms around his sweet little body and mug all over him. To never let him go again! Until that day I will remain beautifully broken (and that's okay) until we are together again!!!


  1. This is beautiful Andrae! Heartwrenchingly beautiful. He was such a bright light in this world!

  2. So well said. What a happy day that reunion will be!

  3. Thank you, Andrae, for this post. Such a beautiful way of explaining the wonder of "mother's love." Your family are in our prayers.

  4. My heart aches for you and Mark everyday! I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you are experiencing. I hope you know how much we love you and how much we look up to the two of you. Your family is in our thoughts and prayers every day. Thank you for reminding me to love every moment... good or bad. Love you guys so much!!!

  5. I too lost a child this year in January. I found your blog from the post you did today on the Sullenger blog. I have a lot of the same feelings you do. My arms ache and my heart is broken. Many tender mercies are sent our way to help, but nothing completely takes away the ache we feel. I would love to start following you. My blog is private but I would love to invite you if you would like. Your words have given me some strength today. Thank you!
    Kelsey Allen