A Letter to Miles

Dear Miles,
Today marks 10 months since you left this mortal world.
10 months....why does it feel like 10 years yet 10 days all at one time?
How has it been this long?
I'm not really sure that I can say that I've lived 10 months without you.
I can only say that I have survived 10 months without you.
Somedays that is all I feel like I can do....survive.
Others I live....live for Vivian and Clara.
But it's survival too.

I don't understand this.
I didn't even get to say goodbye to you properly.
I know you heard all the things I said to you, felt all the hugs and kisses and all the strokes of love.
But your eyes were never open, staring into mine validating that you heard me.
I remember often opening your eyelids as you lay in the hospital.
I just wanted to see those amazing hazel/gray eyes of yours.
To in some way feel as though you weren't gone and were hearing and seeing my love for you.

Oh buddy....I miss you terribly.
You really are one of my best friends.
Why did you have to go? Why?

I've taught Vivian our best friend song.
You know the one from Toy Story.
We sing all the time, just as you and I did.
It reminds me so much of our days together.
We did everything together!

I miss you more than words can even express.
Vivian still talks about you everyday.
She has started to sound just like you lately.
She often makes the exact same noises throughout the day that you did.
Dad and I are taken back by the wonderful noises.
They are wonderful to hear.
It's as though you are still here with us.
Sometimes I just close my eyes when she is making these sounds and think of you.
I feel you so close then.
She even talks to Clara in the same manner you spoke to her.
She even calls Clara Sweetheart just like you did Vivian.
When she says it, it sounds just like you.
It's truly amazing.

Oh how I wish you were here to influence Vivian to go potty (along with other things).
She is too smart for her own good and just stubborn enough to push back about the issue.
Whenever we couldn't get her to do something you could always get her to do it.
She loves you and looks up to you so much.
She would do anything you asked her to.
Please remember this, and influence her still throughout her life.
I know you can't help her with potty training, but you can help influence her with greater matters.
Please do!!!
And don't forget the same goes for Clara!
I'm sure she will feel and need your influential powers too.

Dad could use your influence too.
Last night he broke down sobbing.
He doesn't do this very often.
At least not in front of me.
He was looking at pictures of you as tears filled his eyes.
He kept listening to all his voice mails from you.
I was upstairs feeding Clara.
It was so good to hear your voice so loud in our house again.
It brought such warmth to my heart, and I too was streaming with tears (just as I am right now).
But hearing dad crying like that broke my heart.
He loves you so much.
You and him are best buddies.
You always will be.

Oh Miles, I long for the day that I get to see you again.
To hold you in my arms again.
I can't wait to see you running towards me with your arms stretched out.
I'm sure you will be giggling so hard you may fall over while running.
But watch out because I will be sprinting faster than ever before towards you, with my arms wider than ever and giggling the whole way.
I hope I don't knock you over too hard.
But we will fall to the ground and roll around as I mug all over you.
It's going to be wonderful!
Pure bliss!!

I know you are close to us buddy.
Please come visit us!!! Please!!! And Often!!
I love you buddy!
Your my best friend....We stick together just you and me...Yeah you got a friend in me.