8.15.2013

A Letter to Miles

Dear Miles,
Today marks 10 months since you left this mortal world.
10 months....why does it feel like 10 years yet 10 days all at one time?
How has it been this long?
I'm not really sure that I can say that I've lived 10 months without you.
I can only say that I have survived 10 months without you.
Somedays that is all I feel like I can do....survive.
Others I live....live for Vivian and Clara.
But it's survival too.

I don't understand this.
I didn't even get to say goodbye to you properly.
I know you heard all the things I said to you, felt all the hugs and kisses and all the strokes of love.
But your eyes were never open, staring into mine validating that you heard me.
I remember often opening your eyelids as you lay in the hospital.
I just wanted to see those amazing hazel/gray eyes of yours.
To in some way feel as though you weren't gone and were hearing and seeing my love for you.

Oh buddy....I miss you terribly.
You really are one of my best friends.
Why did you have to go? Why?

I've taught Vivian our best friend song.
You know the one from Toy Story.
We sing all the time, just as you and I did.
It reminds me so much of our days together.
We did everything together!

I miss you more than words can even express.
Vivian still talks about you everyday.
She has started to sound just like you lately.
She often makes the exact same noises throughout the day that you did.
Dad and I are taken back by the wonderful noises.
They are wonderful to hear.
It's as though you are still here with us.
Sometimes I just close my eyes when she is making these sounds and think of you.
I feel you so close then.
She even talks to Clara in the same manner you spoke to her.
She even calls Clara Sweetheart just like you did Vivian.
When she says it, it sounds just like you.
It's truly amazing.

Oh how I wish you were here to influence Vivian to go potty (along with other things).
She is too smart for her own good and just stubborn enough to push back about the issue.
Whenever we couldn't get her to do something you could always get her to do it.
She loves you and looks up to you so much.
She would do anything you asked her to.
Please remember this, and influence her still throughout her life.
I know you can't help her with potty training, but you can help influence her with greater matters.
Please do!!!
And don't forget the same goes for Clara!
I'm sure she will feel and need your influential powers too.

Dad could use your influence too.
Last night he broke down sobbing.
He doesn't do this very often.
At least not in front of me.
He was looking at pictures of you as tears filled his eyes.
He kept listening to all his voice mails from you.
I was upstairs feeding Clara.
It was so good to hear your voice so loud in our house again.
It brought such warmth to my heart, and I too was streaming with tears (just as I am right now).
But hearing dad crying like that broke my heart.
He loves you so much.
You and him are best buddies.
You always will be.

Oh Miles, I long for the day that I get to see you again.
To hold you in my arms again.
I can't wait to see you running towards me with your arms stretched out.
I'm sure you will be giggling so hard you may fall over while running.
But watch out because I will be sprinting faster than ever before towards you, with my arms wider than ever and giggling the whole way.
I hope I don't knock you over too hard.
But we will fall to the ground and roll around as I mug all over you.
It's going to be wonderful!
Pure bliss!!

I know you are close to us buddy.
Please come visit us!!! Please!!! And Often!!
I love you buddy!
Your my best friend....We stick together just you and me...Yeah you got a friend in me.

8 comments:

  1. Aching hearts. No words. Love.

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  2. Andrae....This is so tender and so sad. I miss Miles for you. Such tender and precious memories with your sweet boy. Hold on to your hope of that glorious reunion!Thank s for sharing your broken heart.(((HUGS)))

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  3. "Through this trial I have found that not only are people more distant from me, but I am from them as well.
    I suppose it's another defense mechanism.
    It's as though a large part of me, my heart and everything I am is locked up in a way.
    Locked up to safe guard myself from any pain.
    Maybe even locked up from the reality of this all.
    I don't often let people know the true pain I feel because it hurts both me and them.
    I don't want to hurt anyone or have them worry about me.
    So it's just easier to keep locked up inside.
    Deep down inside."....How I came to find these words today is nothing short of a miracle. I needed them. So. So. Much. On March Fifth of this year, my Seven year old son Adler was diagnosed with stage Three kidney cancer. What a mind numbing Five months it has been since. I have tried in vain to explain to myself (with little success) as well as my husband the hollowness I feel in relation to others. You said everything my heart has been longing to say...To articulate. Thank you, thank you. I am sending every single love to you on the wings of your angel. Love, Sara (I also have a blog if you'd like to read a bit more about my journey...poppyfieldletters.com)

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  4. I have commented on your blog before, but I have been following your blog for awhile now. Tomorrow will mark my sons nine months.
    My heart aches for you reading this, and I wish I could hug you. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this.
    I have the pressure on my chest, the feeling you get right before you cry.
    Please know you are being prayed for. I bet your little man is always watching you and cheering you on when you have the slightest moment of laughter and joy. I bet he just loves that.
    I am so sorry if this is weird that a stranger is reading and commenting on your blog. But when my son died I was in search for blogs that may feel the same way I did. To help me understand what I am feeling is normal.
    I'm grateful to have found your blog, I think of you and your family often.
    Keep your head up.

    -Donna

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  5. I just found your blog via the Sullengers blog. As tears stream down my face, I'm glad to find you and read your story. While our story is different, we share some similarities. We lost our son Charlie to SIDS over a year ago (mycharlieangel.wordpress.com). I share many of your sentiments about having an angel son in heaven. I have a four year old daughter and we just greeted our next daughter not even two weeks after you welcomed Clara! I hope you feel sweet Miles around you as you pass each sad angelversary as well as in your life with your new baby!

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  6. Andrae, I found your blog from the link on the Sullengers who I have followed for awhile. First, I want to tell you how sorry I am for your loss of Miles. I haven't experienced the loss of one of my children like you have, but I have lost one while I was pregnant with her. I have learned from reading baby/child loss moms blogs that it doesn't matter how we lost our child...whether they were lost due to miscarriage or stillbirth or died suddenly at the age of 50...we are their mothers and our hearts ache and our arms ache. Someone is missing...forever. Thank you for sharing your story. I enjoy the way you write. This letter to him is beautiful and I am sure that through your pain you are helping so many other people you are not even aware of. It's nice to "meet" you.

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  7. I too found your blog through The Sullengers. We recently lost our sweet Hudson at 6 weeks due to premature matters with his lungs. It will be 10 weeks this monday and I long for my little boy. You are an amazing inspiration to me and I have just started a blog of my own. Thefighterinme.blogspot.com! I love reading your blog and I too long for the beautiful day we will reunite with our precious boy! God bless!!

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