I found myself day dreaming of this Memorial Day this year. What would we do? I found myself walking past the aisles of the stores with all the fake flower arrangements weeks before. How could one of those even come to envelope my love for my son? I soon started getting angry whenever I saw them. They were everywhere I turned. Yet I watched people pass them without even a glimpse at them. I soon found myself thinking how people didn't even know or see the pain I have been carrying around with me for 19 months. 19 Months!!! So long, yet so short.
I came home one night and asked Mark what he wanted to do for Memorial Day for Miles. This was our first Memorial Day that we would be able to visit his grave. He didn't know what to do either.
We decided we wanted to involve the girls. Miles would love that more than anything. So we took the girls to the store and we all chose special things for our brother and son. We ended up with mostly colorful pinwheels. He loved pinwheels so it really was fitting.
On our way out to visit Miles grave we stopped to buy a nice flower arrangement. Vivian was so excited to go to Miles grave. She is understanding it a little more. Yet when we got there, she yet again wondered where Miles was. So we took her over and pointed out the engraving on his headstone.
She loves seeing Miles holding Jesus' hand. It seems to give her peace, just as it does us, seeing Miles and Jesus together.
We set out our family blanket and some snacks for everyone. We staked in the pinwheels. Vivian grabbed our special brush and dust pan we have for visiting the cemetery and she started cleaning his headstone. She even cleaned grandma and grandpa's along with those who surround Miles.
We took with us Miles' favorite stuffed animals. Mr. Hugs (his white bear in the picture at the top of our blog) and Monkey, his sock monkey. They were the last things Miles held onto as he laid in his hospital bed. Oh how he loved them!
The weather at the cemetery was so nice. The heat from the sun was beating upon us yet the constant Idaho wind was cooling us at the same time. It was so nice to lay at his resting spot and watch his new pinwheels spin in the wind. I found myself laying down and hugging Mr. Hugs soaking up that warmth from both the sun and the comfort of Mr. Hugs. I silently spoke with Miles in my heart. I'm certain he heard every word. It almost felt as though Miles was hugging me right back through Mr. Hugs. It truly was the most peaceful time I have ever felt at his transformation place. Oh how I can't wait for the day I get to hold that boy in my arms again! I'm afraid I may never let go! I love you Miles!!!