I have been doing a lot of soul searching the past week. I have felt Miles so close, something I miss and long for so much. I have also met a few new people who are in this exclusive, yet not so exclusive club, of child loss. Some of them are on 40 years, some 10 and others just months. It's nice to meet others who understand your craziness, your heartache, your torments and your despair. Yet those in this club also know and understand your hope, your focus, your determination and your changing self.
Believe me, I have wondered so many times....WHY. Why did this happen to me? Why did this happen to our family? Why my son? WHY?
I have often wondered if I really knew the trials I would face in this mortal world before agreeing to come down. Did I know that one of my hardest trials would be to lose my first born child? My son. The boy who made me a mother. I truly believe I did. Yet I wonder did I truly understood how hard this would be? Did I understand all the things which I was agreeing to?
With all my heart I believe that I understood and saw the greater picture. That there was and is more than just this life. That this life here and now is a stepping stone to another. To glorious things. To worlds without end. To life eternal. In fact Eternal life with my family....all of them!
It may seem weird, but this journey we have been on has been one that I would NEVER ask for. Not EVER! Yet in the strangest way I have to say it has been one of the best for me. (Wow, that took a long time to even type the word best.... my fingers and heart just really didn't want to admit it.) I say best because of how it has changed me. Changed us. I feel as though this trial has taken a film off my eyes. Instead of focusing on things that don't matter and seeing and worrying about the trivial things, I now see more clearly what truly matters in life. I have come to know and understand the meaning to life in a much deeper and yet simpler manner. I understand more clearly why I am here and where I need to go. I also have a better focus on what I need to do in order to get there. I see people more beautifully than ever before. I feel people's spirits more than I ever thought I could. I feel more true love for others, even those I don't know. I feel peace in the craziest of times. These are some of the blessings I have personally gained from this difficult trial. One that I feel I will always be growing from....even 40 plus years from now.
I remember the night we came home without our son from the hospital. We had just said our final goodbyes, gave him our last hugs and kisses. Stroked his hair one last time, and wrapped his arms around my neck just to feel one last hug of his. Our sweet bishop at the time came to my aunt's house to talk with us. He spent time talking with us, giving us sweet words of love. Mark and I were both in such shock at the time. My head was so confused by what had just taken place and my heart was so broken it couldn't absorb even an ounce of understanding. Yet our thoughts turned to others who faced bigger trials in life. Some much more than even we were facing. I remember telling our bishop "that if God trusted me with this trial, than he must have a lot of faith in me because I wasn't sure I trusted myself with this trial."
To be honest I often still feel this way. I'm not sure that I have faith in myself to endure this heartache and longing for my son. Yet I know that God would not give me something that he knew I couldn't grow, learn and even become better from. So I keep the faith because of him. And because of him and my faith in him he has opened my eyes and given me a clearer vision of his plan and the purpose of it. So when I meet my Eternal Father again someday soon I will bow at his feet humbly and thank him for the trust he placed in me to give me such hard things to rise to and become closer to him through. I look forward to this day with all my heart!