Crazy In The Head

A little over a year ago my cousin taught Vivian to say that one of my Aunts was crazy in the head.
This statement notoriously came with her small pointer finger circling close to the temple of her head.
Thus making the statement even more funny.

As much as we would all laugh, my aunt isn't the crazy one it's me.
Grief really does something to your head.
It takes ahold of your mind, shakes it up and throws it back in for you to suddenly try and make sense of EVERYTHING around you.
It's very perplexing and frustrating.

Shortly after Miles' passed away I went to the stake center to do some of my church duties and meet up and let someone else into the stake offices to do some things.
It was storming like crazy and it was pretty crazy driving just blocks away to the building.
When I got there the person I was suppose to meet wasn't there yet, so I took little 18 month old Vivian inside.
As I was grabbing all our things out of the car I had a distinct voice tell me to leave the diaper bag in the car along with my phone. I thought about it for a minute and obeyed.
Getting to the door of the building was crazy in those huge drifts of snow, carrying Vivian and being pregnant trying not to slip.
So while we waited for the person I thought I would shovel the walk for them so they didn't struggle walking in like we did.
I left Vivian inside to keep warm and she watched from the glass door.
Just as I finished and got to the door to open it I realized I left the keys to the building on the chair next to Vivian.
She was locked inside, all by herself, in the dark with the keys next to her.
She was too little to reach the push bar to open it.
Mom of the year right there!!!!
I couldn't believe what I had just done.
How could I do that?

Luckily I obeyed that prompting early and went to my car for my phone.
I was able to call my sister in law to come open the door and save sweet Vivian from spending the day alone inside the stake center. (Lucky for us my brother in law left his keys home that day.)
I cried as my sister in law plowed through drifts in the parking lot to save us with keys.
I remember, laughing out of embarrassment while tears streamed down my face.
I never use to do such things like that.
I also remember the first thing I said to her was "please don't judge me."
I had already felt as though I had failed as a parent with Miles' accident.
So locking my child into the church building wasn't helping matters.

I tell you this funny story as just as example of how crazy I feel anymore.
We all do silly things. Forget things, and make mistakes.
But when grief take ahold of you it also takes your mind with it.
What doesn't grief take really?
It's a true criminal, an evil one, and robs everything you have at one point or another.

We it's that time of year again.
We just passed Miles' sixth birtthday and in weeks we are upon his second angel anniversary.
Grief has come, settled in and has claimed my mind again.
As vigilant as I am about writing things down and calendaring I just can't stay on top of everything all the time right now. I laugh it off when I miss something, am late somewhere, or completely forget something. Yet it really does bother me, as I'm usually prompt and on top of things.
It's really not funny. I want my mind back please!
I'm crazy enough as it is. So feeling absent minded doesn't help the matter.

I share this so that if you know someone grieving or going through a hard trial, cut them some slack.
Give them a simple text, phone call or message reminder about something you have planned or something they should know about.
And most of all don't expect too much of them when up against anniversary dates, or sacred times.
Understand that we already feel crazy so be patient with us, because we are having a hard time being patient with ourselves.


  1. This post is perfect for me right now. My son's birthday was last week, and since the beginning of September I have been totally insane! I have done some of the craziest, mind boggling things. It has made me want to just scream at myself! It is so much harder to be patient with ourselves. Prayers for you during this extra difficult time.

  2. I so wish I could link this post to Facebook! I feel the same way, crazy in the head. My son was a stillborn 8 months ago. I have silently followed your blog since after you lost Miles.

  3. I love your blog and hope you don't mind me reading it. It puts into words many of the thoughts and feelings I had while going through everything with my daughter. My mom Vicki was in your ward in SLC. I admire you and love your blog. Our family loves you! I am sorry for your loss. What a sweet little boy Miles must have been. You are a special mom! Thank you for sharing your journey. You are amazing!!!!!