A couple weeks ago we went in for our ultrasound. At first we weren't going to find out the gender of this baby, but to be honest I've had a hard time connecting with this baby. I also had a hard time connecting with Clara when we unexpectedly found out we were pregnant with her just right after Miles passing. Actually it was even harder for me to connect with her. It was just too much for me to take on at that time. But God and Miles knew that we needed her and so it was.
To be honest ever since losing Miles I've had a hard time connecting and getting too excited when I'm pregnant. It's a strange thing, even I can't describe it. I suppose it's hard to want to get too attached and give more of my heart away when it's just so broken and frozen solid for lack of a better way to describe it. It's not that I don't love my living children, I truly do, with all my heart! It's just that my heart is in such a locked position and is so hurt, so fragile and tender it's complicated to say the least.
Mark and I truly debated about having a fourth child. We wondered if we were mentally ready for another child and the challenges it brings. But we knew in our hearts that our family wasn't complete yet, and there were more sweet spirits that needed to come into our family. Besides, to put it all out there, I'm not sure I will ever fully be mentally healthy again. There are just too many things I struggle with daily and will forever more. I'm truly a changed person because of all that I have been through. How could you not be?But I do know that I am capable physically and mentally to handle more sweet children. It's just a matter of letting go of some things and accepting the new me. Even though, I don't know and understand this person at times.
So here we are....half way through this pregnancy. I have to say I have been very sick and completely exhausted this pregnancy. But things are going well. Most importantly the baby is healthy and both Vivian and Clara are beyond excited to welcome this sweet little baby girl into our family. Yep....another Kelly GIRL.
I won't lie, I cried the whole way home from my ultrasound. I thought for sure it would be a boy. Oh how my heart aches to have another boy running around this house. To have a child that longs to watch Lightning McQueen and Toy Story. Sure the girls like those movies, but not like Miles did.
But I trust in God's plan for me and for my family. I truly believe that this sweet girl is meant to be in our family and will play an important part in our family. I love the thought of her and Miles bonding in Heaven right now. Him teaching her all the things she needs to know and telling her wonderful stories about our family. We can't wait to meet her. Now the question is what color eyes and hair will she have? We seem to have the craziest mix in our family. I'm totally expecting a platinum blonde girl. I guess only time will tell. The end of October seems so far away still.