Six Months

Today marks six months since we last held our son in our arms.
Six months since he took his last breath of life in my very arms.
I can't believe it's been that long.
Yet it seems like forever.

Not only was it six months ago today, but it was also a Monday six months ago, just as it is today.
The past couple days I have found myself looking at the clock and remembering exactly what was happening in our lives at that exact moment in time six months ago.
It's a hard reminder.
I will never forget those hours and what each day brought.

It's been a cold and rainy day today.
Fitting for the day really, and my mood.

It's been a hard day for all of us.
But not as bad as I thought it would be.
Only because I have found myself in a state of numbness.
I think both Mark and I have been.
Self imposed as a defense mechanism I suppose.

Vivian kept wanting to watch videos of Miles today.
She even asked where he was today.
She hasn't done that in awhile now.
That was hard.
Really hard.

Today the reality has been apparent that life has moved on.
Well, except ours.
I received only one message and one text from people today thinking of us.
That's much more than Mark's zero.
I'm not looking for a pity party.
Really I'm not.
It's just that the silence validated the fact that everyone's lives have moved on.
Yet, we still find ourselves stuck.
That's a hard reality to face.

Through this trial I have found that not only are people more distant from me, but I am from them as well.
I suppose it's another defense mechanism.
It's as though a large part of me, my heart and everything I am is locked up in a way.
Locked up to safe guard myself from any pain.
Maybe even locked up from the reality of this all.
I don't often let people know the true pain I feel because it hurts both me and them.
I don't want to hurt anyone or have them worry about me.
So it's just easier to keep locked up inside.
Deep down inside.

Tonight I let Vivian fall asleep in my bed.
I just wanted her close to me as Mark worked late.
Mark then showed up with fries and ice cream.
He thought we needed something to cheer everyone up.
Vivian perked right up.
She never really was asleep.
I think she was waiting to see her dad.

So we did a few things we never would have before.
We all ate in our bed, stayed up late and watched clips on the computer.
Vivian was so happy.
She probably thinks we do that every night after she is asleep.
(Boy is she wrong if she thinks that!)
She finally fell asleep in-between the two of us.
I laughed at the thought of what we were doing and mentioned to Mark how much we have changed.
We never would have allowed that kind of behavior so late before.
But it was exactly what we needed to end the night.

Now they are both asleep.
If only I could do the same.