4.15.2013

Six Months

Today marks six months since we last held our son in our arms.
Six months since he took his last breath of life in my very arms.
I can't believe it's been that long.
Yet it seems like forever.

Not only was it six months ago today, but it was also a Monday six months ago, just as it is today.
The past couple days I have found myself looking at the clock and remembering exactly what was happening in our lives at that exact moment in time six months ago.
It's a hard reminder.
I will never forget those hours and what each day brought.

It's been a cold and rainy day today.
Fitting for the day really, and my mood.

It's been a hard day for all of us.
But not as bad as I thought it would be.
Only because I have found myself in a state of numbness.
I think both Mark and I have been.
Self imposed as a defense mechanism I suppose.

Vivian kept wanting to watch videos of Miles today.
She even asked where he was today.
She hasn't done that in awhile now.
That was hard.
Really hard.

Today the reality has been apparent that life has moved on.
Well, except ours.
I received only one message and one text from people today thinking of us.
That's much more than Mark's zero.
I'm not looking for a pity party.
Really I'm not.
It's just that the silence validated the fact that everyone's lives have moved on.
Yet, we still find ourselves stuck.
That's a hard reality to face.

Through this trial I have found that not only are people more distant from me, but I am from them as well.
I suppose it's another defense mechanism.
It's as though a large part of me, my heart and everything I am is locked up in a way.
Locked up to safe guard myself from any pain.
Maybe even locked up from the reality of this all.
I don't often let people know the true pain I feel because it hurts both me and them.
I don't want to hurt anyone or have them worry about me.
So it's just easier to keep locked up inside.
Deep down inside.

Tonight I let Vivian fall asleep in my bed.
I just wanted her close to me as Mark worked late.
Mark then showed up with fries and ice cream.
He thought we needed something to cheer everyone up.
Vivian perked right up.
She never really was asleep.
I think she was waiting to see her dad.

So we did a few things we never would have before.
We all ate in our bed, stayed up late and watched clips on the computer.
Vivian was so happy.
She probably thinks we do that every night after she is asleep.
(Boy is she wrong if she thinks that!)
She finally fell asleep in-between the two of us.
I laughed at the thought of what we were doing and mentioned to Mark how much we have changed.
We never would have allowed that kind of behavior so late before.
But it was exactly what we needed to end the night.

Now they are both asleep.
If only I could do the same.

12 comments:

  1. Andrea, I don't know if you remember me. Lindsey, Ashley Leonardson's older sister. I think of you daily. Praying that every time I read your beautiful words about Miles, my tears could some how ease your pain. To many little ones have been called home. I have this constant little fear for my children. All of my friends, who's arms are empty, I pray everyday are wrapped tightly in our Savoir's arms. I cry for you with every post. I don't know how you function everyday, but that is what I pray for.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lindsey- Of course I remember you! You are so kind to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We truly appreciate it and it helps!

      Delete
  2. You don't know me (I went to school with your husband and his sister), but I just wanted to let you know how much your blog has really helped me. My mom lost my brother when we were both young. I was so young that I don't remember much. Now that I have children I am in awe that she was able to deal with the death of her child along with raising all of her other kids. Reading your blog has giving me a slight insight to the feelings and emotions that she might have felt. It has made my respect for my mother soar even higher, and has opened the depth of our conversations. Thank you for being willing to share your honest emotions with us. Thank you for the help you have given me to understand what my mom dealt with more that 30 years ago.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Koby- I'm so glad that our blog posts can help you understand your mother a little better. Any person who goes through child loss is an incredible person. Of course we all deal with it differently, but I'm so glad that you have been able to talk to your mother on a deeper level and respect her more. Thank you for your kindness!

      Delete
  3. Dear Sweet Andrae. Your words hit me deeply. Life is moving on. Moving on without our precious angels. I suppose it's a good thing. I really wouldn't want to be stuck in the same place. Every day we move forward we are getting a little closer to our boys and hopefully drawing closer to our Savior in the process. I know I lean on Him more now than EVER before. He is the only one who can help ease our burdens.
    I did think of you yesterday. I feel just terrible that I let the day slip away without contacting you. I'm so sorry. If it helps, yesterday was a crappy day for me too. I just wanted to stay in bed ALL day, which I practically did. I let the sadness and everything get to me. Sometimes I do that. Most of the time I put on my brave face and buck up.
    You are such a beautiful person. God has made you strong. You are earning your place beside Him in the celestial kingdom and are a great example to the rest of us along the way.
    xoxo
    Looking forward to seeing you soon.
    -Hilary

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dear Sweet Andrae. Your words hit me deeply. Life is moving on. Moving on without our precious angels. I suppose it's a good thing. I really wouldn't want to be stuck in the same place. Every day we move forward we are getting a little closer to our boys and hopefully drawing closer to our Savior in the process. I know I lean on Him more now than EVER before. He is the only one who can help ease our burdens.
    I did think of you yesterday. I feel just terrible that I let the day slip away without contacting you. I'm so sorry. If it helps, yesterday was a crappy day for me too. I just wanted to stay in bed ALL day, which I practically did. I let the sadness and everything get to me. Sometimes I do that. Most of the time I put on my brave face and buck up.
    You are such a beautiful person. God has made you strong. You are earning your place beside Him in the celestial kingdom and are a great example to the rest of us along the way.
    xoxo
    Looking forward to seeing you soon.
    -Hilary

    ReplyDelete
  5. Andrae, Somehow I wish you could see all the lives you have touched as you share openly your feelings in your posts. I know it would bring joy to your family. The mourning process is something most of us, if we don't experience it ourselves, find it difficult to understand fully. I have felt your posts have given me such a better view. Two weeks before Miles passed away, my friend down my street lost her husband in a car accident. She has two little children. It was my first real experience with helping someone who was grieving. I had no idea what to do or say. I didn't want to intrude on her grief or not be there for her. She seems to have her own style in mourning. There a probably a million different ways. But I can't tell you how helpful your posts have been for me in understand her a little better. It has helped me be a little more bold in being there for her than maybe I would have been before. I just wanted to thank you. I hope you don't mind, but I'm printing off your posts so I can save them. I don't want to forget. Like I said before, I wish you could see all the lives you have touched.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kelli- Of course I don't mind you printing them out. I'm glad they can be of some help. Being a little more bold is what we all kind of need. We do all grieve differently, but I'm glad my opening up a little can help you and others some too.

      Delete
  6. Thank you for sharing. Praying for you, too.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm sending out my Service for Miles package tomorrow. I hope you will feel all my love inside it. xoxo

    Lindsay

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lindsay- Thank you so much! You are very sweet to help out!

      Delete
  8. I'm sort very few people let you k ow they were thinking of you. It's hard when the world moves on, because they have no idea how Miles consumes your thoughts.

    Be proud of yourself, your half way through a year, and once you make a year, you know you can survive every holiday.

    And losing miles changes everything about your family. I had to smile reading about your family eating fries and ice cream in bed. I can't help but think Miles was there with you, enjoying the family time. You will do things differently as parents, and embrace it. Losing Preslee has made me a much better parent, and I've learned to look at it as a gift to her brothers. And in return we will be even better parents during the millennium.

    ReplyDelete