I've struggled each time that I have been at Miles' graveside. My whole body aches to hold him, to feel his soft skin against mine, to run my fingers through his hair and to kiss his sweet cheeks. I would give anything just to feel the warmth of not only his body but his loving embrace one more time. To feel our bodies and our souls connecting just as it use to be.
This Memorial weekend has been a hard one. Mark has had to work so the days have been long and lonely. Because of his work schedule we haven't been able to journey to Idaho to be at Miles' graveside. Luckily we have visited his grave a lot over the past few weeks. Because we aren't able to go this weekend I am finding myself in a sort of denial. So much so I find myself just becoming numb to everything, the holiday itself, the purpose of it, and even the fact that the holiday is now more sacred than ever before to me. Numb to the reality that Miles is really gone. Numb to really everything right now. I suppose it's a coping mechanism, and that's the only way I can cope right now.
A good friend of mine (who also lost her sweet son) recently sent me a message that I would like to share. She sent it to me just days before we went to the cemetery to lay my grandpa to rest. I knew it would be even more difficult to be at the cemetery for his funeral with all the family around and realization that within 7 months we had lost our first son and my dear grandpa. I made sure to wear my big sunglasses to hide all the tears streaming down my face. It was hard. Thankfully my black dress hid all the wet spots caught by my baby bump. But my sweet friend's message truly shed a new perspective on the graveside that I have found so comforting.
She said she was reading something that was, as she said "talking about how when we plant seeds, the seed passes away and after a time a beautiful plant sprouts in its place. We can view our dear loved ones who have passed on in a similar way. We lay their seed (or body) in a protective cocoon and bury them in the ground and after a time they will rise and grow into the beautiful perfected beings they were meant to become. I really liked this analogy. It made the process seem beautiful."
She then quoted: "The graveside service is not a burial, but a planting. The grave is not a hole in the ground, but a fertile furrow. The cemetery is not the resting place, but rather the transformation place." (Author unknown)
Thank you Hilary for the beautiful perspective. You sent it at a time when I really need it. It has changed me forever!
I want to thank all those who took time out of their weekend to show so much love and support to Miles' and our family. Visiting his transformation place, leaving gifts, beautiful flowers, messages of love and even releasing yellow balloons with polka dots with message of love sent up to heaven. Also for sending pictures of each occasion. I can't tell you how much it means to our family that you remember him, visit his transformation place and continue to love him as we do. Thank you! We love you all!