Last 12 Months Tab

(These are some of the last pictures take of him, besides at the hospital and funeral services.)

For the last 12 months I have had a love hate relationship with my iPhotos.
Why is it when I am having a hard day my iphotos opens up to pictures of Miles in the hospital, too his last moments in this mortal world, or even pictures at his funeral?
It has happened so many times and each time I find myself gasping for air at the sight of them.
Yet I scroll through them, just to remember him, and maybe to remind myself that yes this is real.
My son did pass away and the pictures prove it. It's a harsh reality!!!

I have been dreading the day when I click on the tab "Last 12 Months" pictures of Miles won't appear.
Currently the pictures in that category are getting fewer and fewer.
This breaks my heart more and more each day we get closer to a year mark. Even if the photos are hard to look at I want to see him. I would rather deal with hard pictures to see than none at all.

For the past 12 months I feel like I have been living multiple lives.
I live in a world with my two beautiful daughters and husband. We speak of Miles every day and remember him all the time. This is a good life, but it's not complete or whole.
How could it be.....Miles is missing from the picture.

Then there is the life I live each day remembering Miles.
Reliving wonderful times with him.
Remembering those everyday moments with him and Vivian running around.
Remember him, missing him and thinking how much he would love the things we do each day.
How he would love a certain meal, or the joy of the hike we went on. How he would be playing with Vivian and mugging on Clara. How he would be such a big helper with so many things. How he would just be happy and so full of life.

I live two lives now. The one I have and am grateful for, but might not want it exactly the way it is and then there is the life that I desperately want but cannot have right now, having all three of my children with me each day. It truly is exhausting living each day pulled in so many directions.

Oh how the "Last 12 Months" have changed. Thank you iPhotos for never letting me forget this harsh reality of mine. I truly do have a love hate relationship with you!