10.21.2013

Dear Miles- Forever Changed

Dear Miles,
I can't believe it's been a year now since you left us here in this mortal world? Why oh why son did you have to go? Did you know you were leaving us so soon? So many times I replay the days and moments leading up to your accident and it seemed as though you did. You said and did too many things that lead me to believe you knew what was coming. Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't I understand the clues you were giving me at the time? Either way I know I never would have been prepared for this. No one ever is.

I'm not really sure how to describe the last year. Did we survive it, endure it, trudge through or simply just hang on for dear life? I think all of the above and more. This past year I have felt frozen in time. A YEAR....seriously has it been that long since I held you in my arms? Since I last  kissed your soft cheeks? Since I tickled you so that you squirmed and giggled so hard? A year since I heard that adorable laugh of yours? A year since you incessantly talked to me until we had discussed everything possible so you then went into repeat mode. How can a year feel only like a couple months yet decades at the same time? I had no idea that was possible, but believe me it truly is. I also didn't know a person could endlessly cry and never dry up. Or that a heart could ache far beyond breaking. Yet as I look back at the year I have learned and grown so much. I truly can't put into words that accurately describe this past year. The only words that come to mind are those I wrote about earlier....Beautifully Broken.

Miles you have FOREVER Changed me. Changed me for the best. You are my first born. You made me a mother. You brought a new reality to my life. You let me relive and take in life in a way that was so full of love, laughter and purity. You brought a child's innocence into my life that I needed without knowing it. You truly brought me pure joy from the moment I felt you squirming in my tummy. When you left, it seemed as though you took all that with you. But I am finding that you when you left you gave me and continue to give me more than I even understand at times. You have given me a whole new perspective on life again. A deeper love, conviction and appreciation for life. A true love for others, even those I don't know. I have more compassion and a strong desire to serve and lift others as much as possible. You have given me eyes to see deeper and more colorful than ever before. You have helped me focus more keenly on what truly matters in life. Because of you Miles I truly am a better person, and  hope to become even better as I learn and grow more. Because of you I am Forever Changed.

I miss you dearly! As we have now passed all the one year marks I will now count each mark as one year closer to holding you in my arms. As I am no longer who I used to be I have made the goal to discover and define who I am. I have gone through too much to be the same person I used to be, and that's not a bad thing. Because remember, I'm better because of you. So as dad and I have discussed we are going to put a huge effort this next year into rediscovering who we are individually, as a couple and as a family. It's not going to be easy, but it's necessary. We want you to be proud of us and we know you want us to be happy just as I'm sure you are. I don't want you shedding tears of sorrow over us as you watch us struggle. I know it's going to be challenging as I often mourn my old self, our old companionship and our old family. But we are Forever Changed, so we will strive to redefine and rediscover our new selves over the next year for you! When I don't want to go out of the house, do fun family activities and other such things I will hold you in my heart and trudge ahead and hopefully make you proud. It's going to be hard at times. I will always be tender for the rest of my life, but I will be and can be strong for you. Because being strong is all I have left and it's what gets me closer to being with you. So I will strive everyday, for you, to be strong and enjoy the beauties of this mortal life so that when we run to one another and embrace you can tell me that you are proud of me for what I did with the time we were apart. Until that day I will always carry you deep within my heart as well as openly on my shoulder. I will carry you everywhere with me as you are part of me and have been from the moment you were created. I love you son. Until we meet again!!
Love Mom

6 comments:

  1. Andrae, very well put. I have many of those same feelings about my own loss 40 years ago.

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  2. Andrae, you are so eloquent. My heart aches for you, at the same time, I am so impressed and in awe with how you've handle this past year. I hope to be as good and strong as you if I ever have a trial of this magnitude.

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  3. Loved your words, Andrae. Cam and I have thought about you and your family a great deal this month. Still in our prayers.

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  4. A whole year is truly unimaginable! I can't believe it!! There is not a single doubt in my mind that Miles is proud of you!! While you have suffered immensely this last year, you have shown us all your strength, beauty, grace and charity. I'm proud to call you my friend! XOXO

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  5. Beautifully written. You should put all your psts in a book ....for others that are struggling. You have such healing thoughts and its awesome that you write them for all of us. Thank you and most of all...bless you.

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