I feel like lately I am at my breaking point. Like I'm a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode. So many people tell me how impressed they are at how strong I am. I'm not strong I'm simply holding on as best I can. That holding on may look strong on the outside, but inside I'm very weak. The past couple years of life have been hard. I know they could be harder....but really they have been pretty hard. Before Miles passed away I watched for a couple years my husband battle the fight for a good and stable job. Then at the lowest point of that all, Miles was taken from us. Now I watch as my husband continues the uphill battle of getting a good and supportive job. The poor man is being stripped of everything. It feels like our whole family is. My husband only has 4 days off a month, 2 Saturdays and 2 Sundays. It's been this way ever since before Miles passed away. I sort of feel like a single mom who is married. It's truly taking a toll on all of us.
After bad news about not getting what we thought was our break for better days, more time together and better job I fell to my knees broken. To tell you the truth I sort of had it out with Heavenly Father. Something I haven't allowed myself to do as of yet.
As I kneeled down with tears of frustration, anger and a pure broken heart I pleaded/yelled with him and asked him what more he wanted from us. He already took our first born child, one of my best friends and loves of my life. Now I've been watching my husband be stripped of all his self worth as he is exhaustively supporting us while being knocked down time and again. I can't bare any of this anymore.
In it all I've lost myself. I'm so frustrated with myself and the impatience I have with my children, with myself and even life sometimes now. I never use to be this way. I have often referred to how I'm a changed person, but I haven't really found out how to accept or love this changed person. There are some things that are much better about me that I appreciate, yet there are some that are not so good and things I frankly just despise about this new me.
As I was kneeling down and having it out with Father I felt the most amazing flood of thoughts come over me. I thought:
1. How do you think Emma Smith felt? She lost so many of her children. She watched her husband be persecuted beyond belief. Her entire family was tried beyond anything I am being tried with. Yet God loved their family so much he tried them harder than anyone because he knew what they would become through all the hardships. And not only what they would become but what they would do for so many.
2. As I yelled out I cried and asked Father what more he wanted from us....from me....if he wanted my Everything. Then I realized....yes that's exactly what he wants. He truly wants my EVERYTHING. In order for me to become more like my Savior Jesus Christ I have to not only be willing but able to give him everything I have physically, emotionally and mentally. Everything so that in return I can be capable of accepting his everything.
3. I need find joy in the now. Joy in the moments that I am currently living. Even if they aren't how I would imagine them, want them or even ask for them to be. Joy in these moments as hard as they are because I will never get them back. I will never be able to relive a single second of my life again. So I must find not only joy but happiness in these moments as hard as they may be. Because although they may be hard, they are beautiful in their own way and they are my moments destined for only me.
So these are my goals for the next while. Remember that we are all facing difficult trials and are trying our best to not only endure them but overcome them. To give my everything to my Father, my family and those around me. And most of all find joy in the smallest, even hardest, of moments.
{In the meantime I think I am going to read some books of Emma Smith....any recommendations?}
Thanks for the thought Andrae. I really think you are amazing!!!! I am truly touched by your honest words. It helps me to think about my priorities and things that matter most in life. I hope someday to see you so we can catch up. You are a good friend!!!
ReplyDeleteStacy, I just love you. I always have. I would love to catch up sometime!!!
DeleteSending love your way! I am so glad that you write so honestly about the hard times. We just had an excellent lesson on Sunday about this idea. The teacher based her words off of the book "When Your Prayers Seem Unanswered" by S. Michael Wilcox. It was helpful for me to come to the realization that they way we become stronger is through trials. That doesn't make them easy, but it makes them worth it. I hope you can receive some peace and comfort in the days to come. I (along with so many others) look up to you!
ReplyDeleteThank you Laura. I am going to get this book and read it for sure!!!
DeleteAndrae, I'm not sure if you remember me or not... but I stumbled across your blog from the Sullengers. I grew up in Shelley and our parents were friends. :) As I have read your blog and learned of the trials you have faced. My heart aches for you. I couldn't help but stop and say a silent, heartfelt prayer for you and your sweet family. When I was 5, my parents too lost a son... child number 6, my sweet brother Trever. My sweet mom laid him down for his morning nap, and that's when he returned home to the love of our heavenly father. I remember thinking 'Heavenly father just missed him too much.' He was but 2 months old, the cause was SIDS.... in other words, no explanation. Time has now passed but he is still our brother. At small moments, the veil is lifted and we can feel him near, doing what he couldn't do here on earth... protecting us in a way that only heavenly father's most choice spirits can. We, as siblings along with my parents, thankfully have quiet moments where we can share our experiences and grow together. I pray the same for your family. That soon you will have moments that you can feel him near, and grow together. Sweet Andrae, I can't even begin to imagine what you feel. But I do know, the lord loves you! The gospel is true! Familes are forever (we sing it to him everytime we visit his body's resting place) And I'm sure sweet Miles has told all of his heavenly friends about his amazing mom, dad, and sisters. Sending you all my love and prayers. Love, Karissa Landon Kam (Kevin and Inis Landon's daughter)
ReplyDeleteOh Karissa it's so good to hear from you. It's been a really long time! Thank you so much for you sweet message. I'm so glad to hear you still remember and think of your brother. I pray my girls do the same!! Thank you again!
DeleteI am so sorry you are at your breaking point....I have been at the breaking point so many times in these last two years. I life sounds similar to yours...the job issues....so so frustrating. The job WILL work out. Be patient. I hated hearing this but it was true and now my husband loves his job, finally after 300 job applications and only two job interviews. I wanted to curse the heavens so many times, and I often do. I think it is ok to be upset at Heavenly Father and then he shows us things we never saw before. I really believe when we are stripped of every single thing we have down to our core, is when our true selves come out, we are made into our best selves!! YOU ARE STRONG AND YOU WILL CONTINUE TO FIGHT. Sending lots of love and strength your way to fight your vicious battle. (and dont write back,, its just too much sometimes, just know I love you)
ReplyDeleteoh and your family pictures look great with your children who are here on earth....xo
ReplyDeleteI found your blog by way of the Sullenger's and this post hit me hard. I don't know if you've ever read History of Joseph Smith By His Mother Lucy Mack Smith? It's an amazing view of a mother watching the struggles of her son and the times she cursed the heavens, so to speak. I read it for a college class years ago and loved it. Maybe it's something that could help you with your new goals? Lots of love from Wyoming.
ReplyDeleteMark and Andrae,
ReplyDeleteShauna and I just wanted to say how much we love you guys. Andrae, you are seriously such a gifted writer. I am amazed at how well you can express your thoughts, feelings, and experiences with us. I know that it can be hard to voice your struggles publicly, but I hope it gives you an outlet and some relief to some of the problems your family is experiencing. Additionally, I hope you know how your ability to put these things into writing is able to help countless people that you will likely not even know the full extent of. Possibly part of your "giving your everything to God" is so that you can share with everyone your hardships and your unique outlook on your struggles. I know personally, that even though we haven't had all of the same hardships, Shauna and I have spoken several times about how you and Mark's journey has helped our family. We both have read your posts and cried with you guys and has really helped us solidify again the importance of the plan of salvation, helps us understand how we might take for granted how wonderful our children are, and the list goes on and on. So thank you for sharing your struggles. You certainly help more people than you know.
Mark, I feel for you struggling to find employment that would match such an awesome person such as yourself. Knowing you, of any people, should be entitled to the best job and employer that there is out there. The pressure that comes from being the provider for your home is sometimes overwhelming and makes it difficult to feel at ease. While, I can't offer you meaningful employment, I hope you can take some solace in someone like me saying "I feel ya, man. It is tough". Good luck to both of you and we will keep praying for your family.
Brian & Shauna Singleton
Mark and Andrae,
ReplyDeleteShauna and I just wanted to say how much we love you guys. Andrae, you are seriously such a gifted writer. I am amazed at how well you can express your thoughts, feelings, and experiences with us. I know that it can be hard to voice your struggles publicly, but I hope it gives you an outlet and some relief to some of the problems your family is experiencing. Additionally, I hope you know how your ability to put these things into writing is able to help countless people that you will likely not even know the full extent of. Possibly part of your "giving your everything to God" is so that you can share with everyone your hardships and your unique outlook on your struggles. I know personally, that even though we haven't had all of the same hardships, Shauna and I have spoken several times about how you and Mark's journey has helped our family. We both have read your posts and cried with you guys and has really helped us solidify again the importance of the plan of salvation, helps us understand how we might take for granted how wonderful our children are, and the list goes on and on. So thank you for sharing your struggles. You certainly help more people than you know.
Mark, I feel for you struggling to find employment that would match such an awesome person such as yourself. Knowing you, of any people, should be entitled to the best job and employer that there is out there. The pressure that comes from being the provider for your home is sometimes overwhelming and makes it difficult to feel at ease. While, I can't offer you meaningful employment, I hope you can take some solace in someone like me saying "I feel ya, man. It is tough". Good luck to both of you and we will keep praying for your family.
Brian & Shauna Singleton