Heavy Questions

(I love this picture. It shows just how much Miles loves Vivian!!!)

The other night as I was making dinner Vivian sat at the counter and talked to me as she drew pictures.

Suddenly she was talking about Miles.

This happens all day long....everyday.

She is always asking what things he likes. Or telling me what things she is sure that he likes.

Suddenly she asked where Miles was.

I stopped and reversed the question to her asking "Vivian where is Miles?"

To which she replied "in Heaven with Jesus."

I validated her answer...Yes.

Then she asked me "Mom did Miles die?"

I stopped everything....my heart not only skipped a beat but was racing so fast at the same time.

My stomach was suddenly sick.

Vivian had never asked that before or even associated the word died with Miles.

Mark wasn't home and I wasn't ready to have this conversation without him.

Yet I knew that I couldn't ignore her questions. 

It was time to face the questions of my sweet three year old about her big brother.

I told her that yes her Miles died.

She paused for a couple seconds looked up at me and said "why."

My heart sank....why was Mark not home yet?

I didn't want to say anything that Mark didn't agree with, yet I knew I had to answer her.

So I told my sweet daughter that her brother Miles got in the water without asking mom and dad.

She asked if he was diving. 

I said that he was swimming and just got really tired.

I told her that sometimes when we swim we get tired, and that when we get tired we need to get out of the water to rest.

Vivian then asked "Mom, Miles is in Heaven with Jesus?"

I said yes.

She then asked "why did he die?"

I told her that Heavenly Father needed Miles to so special work with Jesus in Heaven.

She then asked "why" again.

To which I responded "I'm not sure. I wonder the same thing everyday sweetheart."

She thought about it for a minute and said "Miles is an angel?"

I said, "Yes, he is a special angel with Jesus."

She paused again and then said "I want to be a pink angel...with sparkles."

I told her that sounded really special, but that I didn't want her to be an angel for a long time.

I then started asking her what kind of angel Miles was and what he looked like. 

It was a very special conversation.

Needless to say these where very heavy questions for me.

My heart broke into a million pieces during this conversation.

Especially since she sprung them on me without Mark around.

I later discussed the conversation with Mark to make sure he approved of my answers.

These kind of conversations are very tender. 

Tender in the sense that they break my heart to have to tell my children that their brother, who is so alive to them, died and I have no real reason as to why. 

Tender that my sweet girls love their brother so much that they care for him and worry about him.

Tender that they think of him every single day, just as I do and always will. 

Tender that Vivian's sweet spirit is in tune and close to the veil enough to not only ask about her angel brother Miles, but also Jesus and Heaven and understand it in a very special way.

Tender in every sense.