Tonight I have found myself sitting in Vivian's room, listening to "Miles Music" as she calls it (this CD, all of my children have gone to sleep to this CD.) While she drifts off to sleep my heart is so full. Each one of these songs takes me right back to putting Miles to sleep each night. These songs are beautifully hard to hear each night in our house.
As I'm sitting here I'm downloading pictures from all the things we have done over the past month. I just can't believe how my children have grown.
We have done and continue to do many wonderful things as a family. I'm so grateful for pictures to capture each one of those moments. I'm grateful that Mark and I have made it a point to try and document those moments.
Tonight as I was doing the dishes and cleaning up Vivian noticed this picture on the shelf. She grabbed it and said "oh our brother, he's so handsome." Then she just continued to look at the picture and smile. I asked her if she remembered taking that picture. She said no. Which I expected, yet it sort of broke my heart because I worry that she is/has forgotten moments with Miles. Then she asked me why Clara wasn't in the picture. We then spoke more about Heaven and that Clara was in heaven when this picture was taken. She asked if Clara had died. I told her no, that before we are born we are in Heaven and after we die we go to another place in Heaven. She seemed to accept this. I then told her that Miles and Clara got to spend extra special time together playing and talking in Heaven before she was born. She then giggled at the things they might be talking about.
I still can't believe that this photo is almost two years old now. I can't believe this week we will celebrate Miles' birthday yet again without him here. Oh how I wish I had more photos of him. I know I shouldn't be greedy because we literally have thousands of pictures of him. (I guess we take a lot of photos.) But it breaks my heart that I don't have any new and current photos of him. As I look through my last imports, he's not in the mix....he should be, and that breaks my heart. As Mark and I looked at this photo tonight, I told him "I still can't believe that we are parents who have lost a child. This isn't suppose to be us. It isn't suppose to be any parent." We both agreed that no parent should ever have to go through this. That neither one of us can still believe this reality of child loss. Yet it has almost been two years. Two years....so much happens in two years, yet in the strangest of ways time feels so frozen. I'm not sure it will ever completely unthaw either. But again time goes on, my girls get bigger and we grow in more ways I never thought possible.