Kindergarten for Miles

The past week and a half my emotions have been so tender, so raw and yet I have tried so hard to bury them deep...very deep. I have become very numb to many things the past couple weeks.
I have become REALLY good at being numb. It's a survival mechanism my body and brain automatically do now, without any effort. It's a way to protect myself from pain and more heartache. It's strange, yet so real. To be honest I'm so good at it, it sort of scares me. I'm not sure it's always good. But nonetheless it is what it is.

My feeds have been flooded with pictures of kids going back to school and moms having anxiety about the fact that their child is old enough for school now. I have LOVED seeing every single adorable picture and have felt true happiness, joy and fear for each mother letting those sweet children go off into the world to learn and grow.

Yet my heart and mind can't help but be broken a bit as this year I should have been one of those mothers sending my sweet Miles off to kindergarten. I should have done back to school shopping. Let Miles pick out a really cool backpack and lunch box. Colored pencils, markers, a ruler and notebooks with stickers we put in the front cover should have been stuffed neatly inside his backpack.
We should have gone to meet his new teacher and found where his little bum would sit each day as he filled his mind full of new things. Family home evening should have consisted of back to school talk. Talking about being kind to others, listening to our teacher, the dreaded topic of bullying and most important Mark giving Miles a Father's blessing to give him added protection from the Lord throughout the year. I should have been making fresh cookies to welcome Miles home from his first day of school and sat gathered the girls around the table listening to all the excited chatter about his day, what he learned, what he ate, who he played with and new friends he met.

But none of this happened at my house this year. Instead I found myself doing a lot of service the past week and a half. Watching children of mother's who were taking their children to kindgerarten orientation and such. Doing service really is so healing for me. It's a way to help lift my spirits and feel true love in my heart. It's those moments that I feel so close to Miles.

As hard as the past couple weeks have been I have reflected a lot on what Miles is doing. You see almost two years ago I sent him off to a very special school on a sacred mission. Just like many mothers, I wasn't ready to let him go. He was too young. Yet it was his time. Although I didn't get to see where he would be each day, what he would be doing and who he would be with daily, I KNOW with all my heart he is learning and growing more than I may ever realize. In fact I'm pretty sure he will be my teacher of many beautiful things when we are reunited. Oh how I can't wait!

Miles didn't take a backpack with him, or colorful pencils, crayons or markers. He didn't need any of that. Instead he took my LOVE with him, and a piece of my heart. That's all he needed and continues to need from me on his special mission. That along with my prayers and thoughts. (I literally pray for him every single day.) I'm so grateful I gave him and showed him so much love when we were together. I know he felt loved each day. I made sure to tell him each day. And I'm grateful that in the most special and sometimes sacred ways I'm still able to give him all my love. Daily I feel strengthened by his love as I know he is strengthened by mine.

So as hard as it is for me to mourn over the memories lost here, like a picture of Miles on his first day of kindergarten all dressed up with an oversize backpack full of supplies and a happy yet scared smile on his face. I know these moments are not moments that Miles misses, they are just moments and memories I miss. Because truly Miles is happier where he is, doing amazing things that I probably can't even comprehend. Oh how I can't wait to see what he has been doing and learning as he is away!!


  1. So beautifully said. Thank you for your honest, heartfelt thoughts.

  2. Oh Andrae! We both know Miles would have been an amazing kindergartener. Smart and well mannered, but most of all sweet and thoughtful of those around him, which is the highest thing you can hope for for your children. At least that's the most important to me!

    So it goes with out saying that I can't even imagine how completely amazing his is as a celestial boy! Just think of your amazing son, who you couldn't imagine being any more perfect...somehow is! I can't wait to meet him and see and hear about it!

    Love him! And love you all!! xoxo