Why do I blog? This is a question I have come back to hundreds of times over the past two years. I use to blog because we lived away from family, and it was a way for our family to stay connected and see what we as a family were up to. Really for Grandma's and Grandpa's to see their grandkids grow and see all the fun memories we were creating as a family. It was fun, it was simple, and only a few readers (family).
But then in October of 2012 my life, our life as a family, changed forever. Changed in a way I never even gave a thought to. I never gave more than a second's thought to losing one of my children. To burying one of my children before me. Honestly, I had heard stories and my heart ached for those going through such a thing, but that would never happen to me.
Yet on October 15, 2012 my life changed forever. My heart, mind and body couldn't make sense of anything. I was in a fog thicker than any fog I have ever experience. I found myself so alone in this expansive and overwhelming world. How could that even be? I had so many family members, friends and neighbors praying for me and my little family, yet I felt as though I was picked up and left on an island that I had no clue how to navigate....nor did I want to. Yet there I was having to figure it all out and without any warning. It was brutal....who am I kidding it still is! And I'm still trying to navigate it all!
I found myself a couple nights before Thanksgiving, a time of love, a time for family and a time for gratitude. I couldn't sleep a wink that night. I had so much on my mind. I had to get it out because as hard as I prayed for sleep and peace I felt a nudging to write my feelings out. To let those around me, those praying for me know what I felt in that very moment, at that time of thanksgiving. This is what I posted that night click here.
From there I kept feeling a nudging, something in me whispering to grab the computer and type away my feelings, thought and expereiences. My hands have never moved so quickly over the keyboard. At times my fingers were doing all they could do to keep up with my thoughts and my heart. I had no idea who was reading, was anyone reading at all? (At times I still wonder those same questions.) But it didn't matter I was being lead by the spirit and I couldn't ignore it. Believe me I have tried a few times.
I have wondered and thought so many times why I continue to blog. It's interesting actually to put so much of your heart, your true raw heart and feelings out there for the world to criticize. In fact each time I hit publish I hold my breathe and my heart says a little prayer that readers will be kind to me and my family. It's scary to share such personal things. Yet I continue to feel the urge to write. Why? I'm not sure. I'm not even a good writer. Yet here I am twice a week sharing.
But sharing has been a good thing for me in many ways. It's helped me release so many of the feelings, thoughts and crazy emotions that I can't make sense of. I suppose in a way it helps me sort them out and put them into words so that maybe I can understand myself. I'm thinking of re-reading all my writing from that night in November just to see where I have come in the last two years. Oh what a journey it has been. But the timing has to be right for me in order to do that. It's an emotional journey for sure and one I need to be strong enough for.
I'm not sure I will ever know the why for my continued blogging. But there are a few things I do know. My world has been opened up to so many through my blog. Many people have contacted me, become good friends and a wonderful support system for me personally. Even just your kind comments alone lift me up! For that I will always be grateful! I see life differently now. How could I not? I don't ever want people to think that I am not enjoying life, that my blog is sad and depressing (sometimes I think it is...sorry). My life is happy but it's happy in a broken way and unfortunately it always will be to a certain extent. That I can't fix. But I try to live in each moment and I want other's to as well. I want you to enjoy where you are right now, because one day you may look back and regret that you didn't love your life at this moment in time. And believe me you can't ever go back. Lastly I want people to believe in good, to believe in God. I don't care if it's the God I believe in or another, just believe in a higher being of some sort. I have so much love for God and I'm not afraid to share it. He has been so close to me and my family in the last two years as we have sought him out. I think too many of us are afraid of that now days and that's why our world is shifting. There is still good in this world and if more us believe in good and share good we truly can and will make a change! I just know it!
So I plan to continue blogging. I need to document more of my sweet girls lives on my blog again too. They are growing faster than my mind can grasp and I don't want to lose these moments either. So I plan to continue to write about our lives, how we are growing as a family and all the things we experience as we make new memories and remember Miles. Grief will still be with me. Grief is my constant companion. One I don't love, but I need to understand because it's never leaving my side. So I will write about it all here.