Showering in Tears

The past week and a half I have been not just crying, but sobbing and truly bawling again. I haven't allowed myself to really cry like this in well over a year. I feel as though it's all bottled up and now I can't keep it in. But, I try not to let the girls see me when I'm really bad. I tend to let it out in the shower. There is just something about taking a long hot shower and letting it all out. I'm finding myself allowing myself to truly break down in those moments. Holding onto the walls for support and strength that I just can't muster up myself. There are times it's hard to tell if the water is actually from the shower or if I am the one filling the shower walls with my tears.

Tonight as I took yet another LONG shower of tears, my mind and heart kept reflecting on my last night with Miles' here on this Earth. These are just a few of the pictures we captured from that night's adventures with family.
We roasted homemade marshmallows outside in the crisp fall air with all our cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents. Miles roasted like five or six that night, but barely ate one. Poor Mark and Vivian were on a sugar high from all his roasted marshmallows.
 But honestly little Vivian loved it! (I can't believe how tiny she is.)
And oh how the kids loved bathing in the GIANT tub in our room. They had never seen such an enormous tub before. I think they thought it was their own personal swim pool in our room. They bathed in there for forever! And giggled the entire time! They both loved bath time together.

These are just a few of the moments replaying in my mind and heart tonight as I reflect on this night three very LONG and SHORT years ago.

Then I remembered this post about that night. (click here)
I honestly can't tell you what a sacred night that was for me. I truly feel as though the spirit was speaking to my heart and soul that night. I will NEVER forget that sleepless night. It's still so fresh in my soul and burned into my heart. It's funny I didn't sleep at all that night, yet I wasn't exhausted at all.

Then as I read over that post I'm thinking how interesting it is that I posted about our news of expecting Clara, and here I find myself about ready to have another baby girl within the next two weeks. Oh how interesting God's timing is in life. I have learned I have no control, but he is in control and one day I will know his reason for his timing and trials. So here's to another sleepless night. Oh how I pray to dream of Miles tonight!


  1. Love you friend. You so strong, to write things so close to your heart. Love you and miss living close to you. I love getting to read about you cute family.

  2. Sending love to you and your family. Thank you for sharing. I hope you feel better soon.

  3. Oh boy! That just sounds completely and utterly exhausting and difficult! I'm so sorry! Truly. Truly. Sorry. I've been thinking about you guys and Miles a lot the last few days! Wishing so much that you have to live this loss. Love you so much! XOXO