Broken Holiday Cheer

As Thanksgiving has come and gone I have really spent the last week reflecting on my blessings.  As well as how far we have come, how much I have learned and how we have simply survived the last year.

As I have reflected upon what I wrote this time last year (click here to read) I am simply amazed at how I felt last year, at how I still feel much the same, yet how much more I have learned throughout the year facing the lose of Miles.

Oh how I miss that boy! I miss him just as much as the day he left yet more than ever before. Has it really been over a year now? Really??? How is that even possible? I still can't fathom it....yet I am living it daily. My mind and my heart are still trying to grasp this new life without Miles to kiss, hug, snuggle, tickle, and giggle with us each day. My little Buddy, I think of him daily, every hour of every day. I'm sure I will for the rest of my life. How can I not? He is part of me, thus we are one together and connected forever!

I'm not sure that this Thanksgiving was any easier than last year. In fact I think it may have been harder. The numbness of this new reality is wearing off some and man does it hurt!! For a year now I have been saying I just want to feel again. Feel love, feel happiness, feel joy, feel mad, feel upset.....just feel. Now that's I'm starting to feel a little I'm finding that it really hurts. It hurts BAD! I'm not sure that I do want to feel anymore. Maybe it's easier to just be numb to everything so that this reality isn't so painful. So that I don't feel that burning and aching deep within in soul and within every fiber of me.

Holidays are really hard without Miles.  They are very bittersweet and probably will be forever here on out. At least to some degree. I love getting together with family. I love seeing all the kids playing together. I love the excitement the holidays create within our children and our home. I am finding joy in the holidays again with Vivian this year as she is older and understands more. Yet deep inside my heart is breaking as I see all the kids playing as we gather with family. Breaking to see the kids getting older. How can they be that old? My mind and heart has frozen them all in time to a year ago. My thoughts turn to what Miles would be doing with all the kids. How excited he would be to see everyone and play with each of them. There always seems to be an empty chair, visible or invisible to others, that is in the room for me. There is another plate not being dished up by me or Mark for our son, encouraging him to eat before playing. To take just a few more bites. Even if it is just rolls with loads of butter just to get calories into that skinny boy. There is just an absence for me and my heart aches so deeply for that absence to be filled again.

Vivian has been telling me all week that Miles was coming this weekend. She would tell me with such surety in her voice and face that he was coming this weekend. I often replied to her "oh sweetheart I wish he was coming this weekend" which she would reply with smiling eyes "yeah, he is mom, he is coming this weekend, he is, yeah." So all weekend I focused on the little things. I prayed hard to feel Miles close. Oh how I wish he would have come for the weekend or even just the day, hour, or even a minute. What a Thanksgiving that would have been!

Even though he didn't come physically I know he was with us! We carry him everywhere we go. He lives, I know this. I have felt him, maybe not as much I want, but I have. I know he is on a special mission. One that he was called home for. Too bad I don't get weekly missionary emails, holiday phone calls and pictures in the mail. I would love those! Yet in the smallest of ways I feel him close. He sends me signs of his presence and love. I just have to be open and receptive to them. Most the time they are subtle, but I catch many of them. For that I am grateful. We truly are connected for forever.

So as we are knee deep into the holidays I am trying to focus again on bringing the magic and cheer of holidays to our home and even our hearts. Not only for Vivian but for myself too. It's emotionally hard work, but I'm up for the challenge and determined to feel the magic and happiness of the season, along with the sweet whisperings of Miles to carry us through.

Gratitude and Giving Thanks

As Thanksgiving is upon us I can't help but have a new perspective and gratitude for this holiday season. A season that I have always loved and looked forward to, but now hold sacred. What a beautiful time of year this is to be able to give thanks for all that we have been blessed with.

As the past 5 weeks have been challenging for me and my family they have been more beautiful than ever. I'm not even sure how that is possible, as our hearts are often so heavy. However, I feel more love, care, strength and companionship from my Heavenly Father than ever before in my life. I have a burning deep within my soul of gratitude for that which he has done, is doing and will do for me and my family.  My faith and love for him is strengthened more and more each day.

With that said, I would feel so ungrateful to my Eternal Father and my Savior if I didn't take time to share some of the many things I am grateful for during this sacred holiday of Thanksgiving.

- I am grateful for a testimony that my Father in Heaven lives. That he knows me personally. That  he loves me and will never forsake me. I have so much gratitude for him that he was selfless enough to allow his beloved son, my Savior Jesus Christ, to come to this Earth and atone for each one of us. That he loved each one of us enough to sacrifice his only begotten son for each one of us. I'm amazed and grateful at his strength, that he did not take that bitter cup from my Savior, as in the end it felt too much for him to bear. I'm sure that was a difficult thing for him to endure, but I'm so grateful that he was strong enough to not take that bitter cup from him as he pleaded for it to be removed.

- I am grateful that my Savior, and brother, Jesus Christ was willing to atone and die for me so that I could return to live with my Father in Heaven once again. To ensure that we could all live with our Eternal Families after we have proven ourselves worthy. I'm so grateful that he took that bitter cup upon himself for me. That he endured immense pain and sorrow so that my burdens may be lifted from me.

- I am beyond grateful that families are eternal. What a beautiful blessing and promise that is. I have a strong conviction in my heart to live my life worthily so that I may one day with loving arms embrace my handsome son Miles again and have my family together again. I know this day is not far away, it just seems so in this Earthly life. I look forward to this day!

- I am grateful for the power of prayer. Prayer is truly an amazing thing. What a wonderful opportunity to pour out your heart to your Father and be completely understood. To be able to commune with him whenever and where ever you are. It is because of the power of prayer that my family has been strengthened through our loss of Miles. The strength and lifting power that comes from prayer is a beautiful thing. The power of prayer is real and it is amazing!

- I am grateful for the companionship of the comforter.  With that I am grateful that I am worthy of his presence, peace, strength and guidance. I have never felt his presence so strong and so real in my life. Without his constant companionship I know that this trial would be unbearable.

- I am so grateful that my Father in Heaven loves me and Mark so much, that he trust us enough, to give us this difficult trial of losing Miles. That he has so much faith in us that he would allow us to bear this burden and I know that we will become better for it. I know that he will not give us more than we can bear. I am amazed that he thinks so highly of us that he would entrust us to endure this and know that we will be better because of it. If he thinks so highly of us, and loves us so much, then I know that with him, we will be better because of his refiner's fire.

- I am amazed and grateful that my Father in Heaven loves me so much that he would send me one of his chosen angels, Miles, to raise for 4 precious and wonderful years. With that  I am also grateful that Miles would chose me to be his mother on this Earth. I am so moved by this. I know that Miles is a chosen son of God, and that he has much more important work to do than this Earthly life could allow him. I am beyond grateful that I was able to have him make me a mother and to be his mother for eternity.

- I am grateful for all the tender mercies that the Lord has shown me and my family. Especially those as of late.There are so many that he bestows upon us daily. For that I am amazed, grateful and thankful.

These are just a few of the many things that I am grateful for this Thanksgiving season. I have many things to be thankful for and for that I am grateful and blessed.

Why I Blog

Why do I blog? This is a question I have come back to hundreds of times over the past two years. I use to blog because we lived away from family, and it was a way for our family to stay connected and see what we as a family were up to. Really for Grandma's and Grandpa's to see their grandkids grow and see all the fun memories we were creating as a family. It was fun, it was simple, and only a few readers (family).

But then in October of 2012 my life, our life as a family, changed forever. Changed in a way I never even gave a thought to. I never gave more than a second's thought to losing one of my children. To burying one of my children before me. Honestly, I had heard stories and my heart ached for those going through such a thing, but that would never happen to me.

Yet on October 15, 2012 my life changed forever. My heart, mind and body couldn't make sense of anything. I was in a fog thicker than any fog I have ever experience. I found myself so alone in this expansive and overwhelming world. How could that even be? I had so many family members, friends and neighbors praying for me and my little family, yet I felt as though I was picked up and left on an island that I had no clue how to navigate....nor did I want to. Yet there I was having to figure it all out and without any warning. It was brutal....who am I kidding it still is! And I'm still trying to navigate it all!

I found myself a couple nights before Thanksgiving, a time of love, a time for family and a time for gratitude. I couldn't sleep a wink that night. I had so much on my mind. I had to get it out because as hard as I prayed for sleep and peace I felt a nudging to write my feelings out. To let those around me, those praying for me know what I felt in that very moment, at that time of thanksgiving. This is what I posted that night click here.

From there I kept feeling a nudging, something in me whispering to grab the computer and type away my feelings, thought and expereiences. My hands have never moved so quickly over the keyboard. At times my fingers were doing all they could do to keep up with my thoughts and my heart. I had no idea who was reading, was anyone reading at all? (At times I still wonder those same questions.) But it didn't matter I was being lead by the spirit and I couldn't ignore it. Believe me I have tried a few times.

I have wondered and thought so many times why I continue to blog. It's interesting actually to put so much of your heart, your true raw heart and feelings out there for the world to criticize. In fact each time I hit publish I hold my breathe and my heart says a little prayer that readers will be kind to me and my family. It's scary to share such personal things. Yet I continue to feel the urge to write. Why? I'm not sure. I'm not even a good writer. Yet here I am twice a week sharing.

But sharing has been a good thing for me in many ways. It's helped me release so many of the feelings, thoughts and crazy emotions that I can't make sense of. I suppose in a way it helps me sort them out and put them into words so that maybe I can understand myself. I'm thinking of re-reading all my writing from that night in November just to see where I have come in the last two years. Oh what a journey it has been. But the timing has to be right for me in order to do that. It's an emotional journey for sure and one I need to be strong enough for.

I'm not sure I will ever know the why for my continued blogging. But there are a few things I do know. My world has been opened up to so many through my blog. Many people have contacted me, become good friends and a wonderful support system for me personally. Even just your kind comments alone lift me up! For that I will always be grateful! I see life differently now. How could I not? I don't ever want people to think that I am not enjoying life, that my blog is sad and depressing (sometimes I think it is...sorry). My life is happy but it's happy in a broken way and unfortunately it always will be to a certain extent. That I can't fix. But I try to live in each moment and I want other's to as well. I want you to enjoy where you are right now, because one day you may look back and regret that you didn't love your life at this moment in time. And believe me you can't ever go back. Lastly I want people to believe in good, to believe in God. I don't care if it's the God I believe in or another, just believe in a higher being of some sort. I have so much love for God and I'm not afraid to share it. He has been so close to me and my family in the last two years as we have sought him out. I think too many of us are afraid of that now days and that's why our world is shifting. There is still good in this world and if more us believe in good and share good we truly can and will make a change! I just know it!

So I plan to continue blogging. I need to document more of my sweet girls lives on my blog again too. They are growing faster than my mind can grasp and I don't want to lose these moments either. So I plan to continue to write about our lives, how we are growing as a family and all the things we experience as we make new memories and remember Miles. Grief will still be with me. Grief is my constant companion. One I don't love, but I need to understand because it's never leaving my side. So I will write about it all here.

Park City

Last Sunday was a hard Sunday for Mark and I.
We drove to Wyoming for our newest nephew's baby blessing.
It was the drive that was so hard.
In order to get to Wyoming we have to drive Parley's pass that leads to Park City.
We have only made that drive one other time since Miles passed.
For Thanksgiving.
It was hard then too.

I have so many vivid memories driving that pass as we left the resort on October 13, 2012.
I couldn't keep my eyes of the sky as my son was being life flighted to PCMC.
I couldn't connect the reality with my brain that my son with up there in the helicopter with out me.
His life in a state of uncertainty in which I had no control over.

Band-Aids couldn't fix him, nor my kisses and snuggles.
It was such a foreign and unreal feeling.
One I was never able to fully grasp ahold of.

My sweet brother in law drove Mark and I to the hospital as we were in no state of mind to drive ourselves.
The drive seemed forever long.
When in reality is was under 20 minutes, or should have been.
I didn't time it.
But it felt like it too forever to see the Salt Lake Valley.
Especially when I could no longer see the helicopter.

So last Sunday my emotions were all over the place as we drove up Parley's pass.
I felt nauseous, a bit dizzy, and just plain sick to my stomach.
Then we found the weather to be so terrible all we could do was focus on the road.
I told Mark, although I didn't like driving on roads like this, I was secretly grateful that we couldn't see our surroundings.
That we couldn't see the beautiful mountains that we love so much.

I was equally grateful that on the ride home, we found the roads to be even worse.
We were in such dense fog that we could only see about 20 feet in front of us.
Another blessing in disguise for me.
Never would I have thought of such bad roads to be a blessing.
But this day they were.

I'm so sad that Park City is now a hard place for me to even pass on the road.
We love it there.
A sweet friend of mine has even invited me to her house in Midway a couple times.
Both time I have canceled due to bad weather.
But I'm realizing it might be more than bad weather keeping me from going.

One day I will return to Park City again.
It may just be awhile.
But for now, I think I will stay away from that area and that pass.

New adventures of Miles

I hear you. . .I know you are all getting sick of seeing Mr. Hippo so for your viewing pleasure feast your lovely eyes on these. . . Miles passes the time by making noises with his lips. It's quite entertaining.

This is Miles at 5:00 AM (yes that is AM). Notice how awake he is, and it seems he has a little smirk as though he is saying, “Yes, I got what I wanted . . . it’s play time.” I know it’s crazy, and it’s every morning!

Here is our family on Thanksgiving at the Kelly’s.

This was the first time Miles sat in the Bumbo. He chillaxed like this for about 10 minutes. You know he is chillaxing when his arm is propped up like this.

Trying to recover from ear infections while starting to teeth (I know you don’t believe me, but the doctor confirmed it, he’s teething at 3 months). Poor guy just can’t catch a break.

Miles taking in the world around him. He is such an inquisitive little guy. I just know he’s going to be brilliant!

Tummy time.

“Why is dad taking pictures of me instead of finishing dressing me?”

Dreaming of new adventures to come.

Thanks Dad

I know this is really late, but many of you wanted to see this. This is dad slaving for the betterment of those hungry souls at Thanksgiving. The best part of this whole thing is the little kids chair he’s standing on. Thanks dad for all you do, you're the best!

Before it Opens Preview

Saturday we were privileged to go to the "Before it Opens Preview" of the 

Thanksgiving Point Museum of Natural Curiosity.

FFKR Architects, the firm I use to work at, are the architects of this amazing facility.

They invited me to join in on the fun and I couldn't say no.

Even if we had to go without Mark. He had to work as usual...bummer!

It was a fantastic day!

Everything is so technologically driven and so creative!

Here's a digitally projected topographical landscape map on top of rubber chips. 

So fun to run your fingers through them and watch the landscape change! 

A steam tornado that you can stand in.  

You can stand in this area and feel the sensation of 45, 65 and 85 mile an hour winds beat against you.

I've never scene Vivian's hair so straight.

Pictured here are some of the Zamora family...Vivian calls them her cousins. 

Truest of friends! I love this picture. 

There are soft areas designated just for kids under 3.

Clara loved crawling around these areas playing with the garden food and balls.

Vivian feed the rabbits the garden foods she collected in her wheelbarrow.

Each rabbit says different things as you put the food in their mouths...i.e. the color or which food it was. 

We did some laundry, put on a play, made our own music on a stringless harp and a bubble piano.

We made movies, learned a line dance, ran from an avalanche, took Cat Scans in the Veterinary office and so much more!

The Rainforest area is made up of tons of activities with rope bridges connecting each area.

Vivian didn't heistate climbing any of them. 

I couldn't believe she wasn't scared because these bridges are two and three stories above the ground.

I tried to capture the height in this picture, but it really doesn't do it justice.

The bridges connect up at one point to this airplane suspended in the air. 

Vivian loved pretending to drive it.

Aunt Amy and I had so much fun crawling around the rainforest area.

Maybe even more fun than Vivian...it's a hard call.

It's like we were kids again.

The Museum is FANTASTIC! 

We will for sure be going back and taking Mark with us many, many times.

Can't wait until May for it to officially open!

(Although I loved being able to go before all the masses come out!)

farm country

we were lucky to spend an afternoon at the 

Thanksgiving Point Farm Country with some great friends

the kids loved it!

 meet Clancy

Miles loved Clancy

they were pals

 meet a scared Vivi

she didn't even sit on the cute pony long enough to get it's name

 but Vivi sure enjoyed feeding the little goats

and they in returned liked her (or the scraps of grain she found on the ground)

we had a blast and

we will for sure be back!