Lately I have been really struggling. Struggling and crawling my way through life with a very unwelcome companion who will always haunt me....depression. Yes I am admitting it, and I'm sure you are not surprised. I'm not. Yet I always seem to be fighting it at the most unusual times. It's funny how I don't always recognize it for awhile and I just get really down on myself. Then I finally realize that I'm not crazy, I'm a mother who lost her first born child suddenly and unexpectidly. Then I am expected to just pick up and continue living. So of course I am going to fight depression. It's natural and to be expected I think....I hope.
Thus I really haven't blogged much. I just don't have words for how I am feeling. Nor have I let myself explore my feeling and thoughts as of late. I'm just coping at this point. But it's hard, I'm super emotional...crying at commercials, being super sensitive to every little, tiny thing said or done to me by every.single.person I come in contact with. It's exhausting really. Then I sit there and judge myself and am super critical of myself and all my short falls, interactions with others and more. I'm sort of over it to be honest. So I admit here and to you.
I think in many ways each and every one of us struggles with some sort of depression at times in our lives. How can we not in this super critical society full of so much social pressure? Why do we do this to not just others but ourselves? It's not healthy for anyone! As hard as I try to separate myself from social pressures it's all around us each and every day. It creeps into our lives as a demon through our phones, computers, tv's, magazines, radios and more. It's everywhere!
But I have to say that last night as I was looking through my email trying to find a document sent to me awhile ago I found myself looking over email after email of kindness sent my way by many of you. Some of you I know and some I have gotten to know, even just briefy. I found myself all the back to even bulk emails sent out to our old ward asking them to fast and pray for our sweet son Miles as he struggled for life in the hospital. Tears of love mixed with sadness began to stream down my cheeks. Even with so much pressure to be perfect in the world, with so much evil spiraling around us my inbox proved to me last night that there truly still is so much good in this world and each and every single one of us truly is loved by others, even when we don't feel loved, we are!
My heart was, and is full thinking of this. I want to thank each of you that has ever left a comment on my blog, who lifts me up and supports me on social media, who has sent me an email, a letter in the mail, dropped something off at our house and more that your kindness has NEVER gone unnoticed or unappriacted. Your kindness and love builds and and lifts my family at times we need it most! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!! I love each of you for it and pray that I can give to others as you have given to us! Thank you for showing me that kindness still lives and is key to happiness.
(And just so you know how much it means to our family we keep every card, letter, email, text, blog comment, gift and more! I often find myself reading over them for strength and love when I am down. I can never get rid of any of it! Seriously!!!)